Did you get love and affection from your parents as a child?

[PennyLany]

And as a result, what type of parent are you with your DC?
Do you feel that the amount of love, attention and care that you have or haven’t received has shaped you as the adult you are today and how so?

I knew they loved me but they weren't affectionate. I try really hard to be affectionate to my 3 but it doesn't come naturally.

They absolutely showed me that I was loved and supported throughout my childhood and still do. It was a different time, so they were less hugs and I love you's than I am with my kids. I certainly would have been cuddled if I hurt myself, but not just because we were chilling on the sofa. I was expected to get a job as a teenager, not rely on them for handouts.

It's lovely watching them with their grandkids now as they get to do the things they never had time to with me and my siblings. Definitely lots of I love you's for them.

@43ontherocksporfavor sorry yes I did mean that. Typing while overtired on a Friday night.

Certainly wasn't my experience. My parents were demonstrative. We got hugs daily. Regularly told they loved us.

I dont have children but I'm very demonstrative to my nieces & my brother always has been to them too. Were a very huggy family

Even now im an adult my Mum still says I love you, every day

Born in the mid 70s and mine weren’t openly affectionate in that I don’t ever remember either of my parents hugging me, kissing me or telling me they loved me. It just wasn’t the done thing, and yet I never felt unloved or anything other than safe or secure.

Showing affection to my children doesn’t come easily though I do try to be more open than my parents were. Different times.

I did not get love and affection. I got shelter, food (never breakfast though) and a home to live in.

But there was very little affection. Zero encouragement, in fact, the complete opposite. My parents told me I'd never amount to anything. My mother was selfish, and only focused on her self. Literally ONLY herself. If I ever asked for help with anything that wasn't the bare minimum of keeping me alive, I'd get screamed at, grounded, called a waste of space.

My parents argued alot (they still do actually)

I actually left home at 20 (after saving enough to rent a flat, bare in mind, as soon as I got a job, my mother took a huge chunk as board and lodge. Fair enough, but it was extortionate at 40% of my earnings) because it was such a toxic place to be. Fast forward 15 years (and a lot of therapy) ... I have amounted to something! I raised myself ang grew myself up. I grafted. I am successful. DH and I are expecting our first child in April.

I still see my parents, I love them. But I don't owe any of my current life to them. They want all the glory of becoming grandparents now though of course 🤔🤔🤔.

I will be exactly what my parents were not in terms of love, encouragement, and helping my child achieve whatever they want through guidance, learning and support.

Yes lots, my mum was a very dedicated mum and I always knew she loved me fiercely. My dad was a bit more complicated but I did know he loved me.

I think (Hope) I've been able to show my dd the same love.

Nope my mum never told me she loved me mum and dad always argued I hated my childhood my dad always cheated and I felt my mum didn’t like me because I was my dad’s favourite the day I got married my dad said that’s it now I’m going to leave your mother I just waited until you were all settled long story short I have nothing to do with my dad and I see my mum who tells me she loves me from time to time but tbh I resent both my parents

Hmmm... Not really.

I was placed into care as a baby, but was alone in the hospital until a family was found and I think that had an impact. Not being held and with a parent after birth.

My adoptive family was abusive, and my biological family is it's own hot mess.

I definitely am over the top with my hugs, kisses, I love yous.

My ds is also adopted. My goal is to make him feel safe and loved every single day.

He jokes if I've only told him I love him a thousand times a day, unlike the usual 5 thousand. Lol

I don't think you can hug and tell your kids you love them and are proud of them enough.

I tend to do that with my friends and partner to. I'm a big believer in letting people know how much you love and appreciate them.

Yes I was. I was told (and shown) that I was loved daily. My parents, especially my mum, had firm expectations and standards that felt challenging as a child but I never doubted that I was loved.

I took that for granted as a child, but as an adult I understand how fortunate I was.

Edited to add:

Of course there are things I wish my parents had approached differently, been softer about and I suppose that is what I have carried forward with my own child. Just trying to be a little softer.

My parents never touched me or told me they loved me. They often told me what a disappointment I was, for many many reasons.

I shower my DC with praise, support and kindness but I do find it very hard to say I love you - not because I don't, just the words don't seem natural. I hug DS but DD has never liked being hugged.

No, my parents thought that feeding, housing and clothing you made good parents. I can't remember being hugged and kissed as a child, so sad. When my parents were old and ill consequently I didn't feel the need to hug and kiss them,why would I? My mother made comment s that I wasn't very loving,yeah mum because I wasn't shown how to be. I see my husband's siblings who are very loving and demonstrative and that's how it should be, hug and kiss your kids that's normal. Interestingly when my dad became ill for the first time he tried to do the hugging thing when I visited also, but I couldn't stand him near me cos it felt false , it was false, he was doing it to garner affection and for me to want to care for him , it made me feel sick. The fake Ness of it. Just to add I know they loved me , but the hugging and kissing thing and also saying you love each other is sooo important, I can't remember my mum and dad ever saying they loved me.

Im 34 and neither of my parents have ever said they love me. And have never hugged either of them after probably the age of 8/9. I know they love me though. I had the best of everything and they were present for everything and always help me out, even now.

I probably tell my 12 year old i love him and im proud of him at least 10 times a day. Just yesterday before we got in the car for morning school run, he said 'erm mum have you kissed me yet today?' Because i absolutely smother him in kisses everyday as soon as i wake up but we were rushing and i only gave him one! I craved those things as a child (still now) and i think it really shapes people.

My Mum had a terrible upbringing, youngest of nine, Gorbals, Glasgow in the 1930s. She was obviously traumatised and didn't know how to show affection. She kept our home lovely and cooked, took care of our physical needs but no hugs, support or interest in us, drank, hit us and was cruel. My father loved us enough for both of them. Such a nurturing, demonstrative, caring man. My 3 DC will say I'm just like my Dad.

Just to add. Im not angry at either of them for it, although it does feel a bit crap when you see people greeted by their parents with hugs and kisses and you wish it was your family.

I believe people are a product of environment and neither of my parents were shown affection either, so they just continued what was normal to them as they were obviously not affected / craving that affection or loving words. I think we turn out the same or we break the cycle for our own kids and seems like theres alot of cycle breaking on this thread which is lovely to read ♥️

You sound like a wonderful Mum :) I’m sure they love it. They might not be quite ready to admit it though 😂

I’m going to slightly disagree here. Sometimes it really does need to be said out loud ( says me, who never heard “I love you” as a child)

I got zero love and affection from mine. We still speak but she is hot and cold and is outright nasty to me sometimes.

I tell my kids I love them about 72728347 times a day

Which will probably have an opposite affect and they'll probably never say it to theirs as a result

Absolutely . I was so loved, was told i was, shown i was loved and i knew it. I have wonderful parents. Really close even as an adult. My ds is 18. Tells me he loves me everyday, i get hugs and kisses all the time. He's close to his dad too, my dh. We've shown him and told him daily from birth that we love him so much.

Hi all! I received plenty of love and affection from my mum growing up... My mum died, I was age 11... When i had my own i was 32 found out expecting twins and unfortunately i failed miserably, social services took them.

No memories of love and affection from mum. No hugs, kisses or loving words. She just wasn’t available emotionally. Almost negligent at some points. Dad was a bit up and down and quite emotionally needy himself after their divorce but not there in any practical sense. I became quite tough and learned to fend for myself early on. I excelled at school and left home as soon as I could.

i am forever telling my kids how much I love them and am massively over protective because my siblings and I didn’t have any parental protection when we were younger. When I look at my children I think of my younger self at that age and what I needed from my parents and it makes me sad when I think about my childhood. I don’t hold it against either of my parents anymore because I think that is just what they knew and life is too short to keep looking back.

My DM never once said she loved me, cuddled me or loved me in any way. She had me to keep my DF. She told me she should have had an abortion.

My DF was very affectionate and loved me with words and deeds.

I'm very affectionate with my DS. I'm always telling him I love him, how proud of him I am and he's always just glowed when I praise him. He has never had to chase my love.

I don't think this thread is about "demonstratively" showing love though, is it? I agree that in some families (not all) it was previously less common to show physical affection or say "I love you" to children. But, as this thread shows there is a clear divide between those who felt they were loved and this was shown in different ways by their parents, and those who were never really sure that their parents actually did love them (or actively thought they might not).

The flip side is, of course, that simply hugging a child all the time, in isolation of anything else, will also not demonstrate to the child that you love them.

No. I was praised when I did as I was told and scolded/punished when I didn't. If I was upset I was given a mug of hot chocolate and told "this too shall pass" (what I wanted was a cuddle and to be told everything will be alright).

Yes. It's shaped me as an adult - I find it really difficult to show affection, or receive it.

I think my mother was incapable of showing affection. Not even sure she felt it. I'm not sure she liked me as a child and believes you buy affection rather than show it emotionally.

No affection or told that they loved me. My mum left when I was 7, I wasn’t allowed to see her for about a year. My parents had an incredibly messy divorce in the early 60s. I was sent to live with her when I was 12, but the favourite, my older brother stayed with my father. Very little affection or emotional support from either of them.
Fast forward I had 2 DSs, DH and I gave them a super, emotional loving family upbringing.
My father died when they were young, my DM took one look and promptly went abroad to live there permanently, never making any effort to connect with them. She missed so much and died a lonely person. All so sad.