Did you get love and affection from your parents as a child?

[PennyLany]

And as a result, what type of parent are you with your DC?
Do you feel that the amount of love, attention and care that you have or haven’t received has shaped you as the adult you are today and how so?

My mum wasn't affectionate at all, no cuddles or anything. My dad did show love and would kiss us but he's definitely become more so as he's aged so now we're adults really. My mum still isn't really but she's softer with her grandkids for sure. I'm very loving and affectionate with my children. I tell them I love them everyday, always having cuddles and in turn they are very loving back. I felt like my mother was cold growing up (we have a fine relationship even still) and didn't want my own kids to feel that way about me.

Yes! I can't believe the number of people who didn't have this basic thing. My kids are loved and they know it.

I knew I was loved, but we didn’t say “I love you”. Not touchy feely, cuddly either. Can’t describe it, I knew my parents adored me but it’s just the way they were, stoic perhaps.

Dd insists on loves, kisses, cuddles all the time! And I love you’s! She’s like a second skin.

DH isn’t that affectionate, I have to remind him to cuddle her. He will play with her endlessly though and gives her a bedtime cuddle always.

She just craves love!

Borne in 1970. Had a 'normal / respectable' upbringing, but neither DM or DD ever hugged us or said they loved us.

DD has recently passed away, and DM is in a care home with dementia. I loved my DD as he was a lovely man, but I have always struggled with DM who was always a difficult woman, and the dementia has made that even worse.

I was determined to raise DC with the love and affection I missed out on. I constantly tell them I love them, would do anything I can to help them or make their lives easier and would be horrified if they were to think of me in the way that I think of my DM.

DH has a similar background and because of how we were brought up it is literally our life's mission to love and care for DC even if it's at the expense of our life or happiness as we love them so much, and want to break the cycle.

I remember being quite surprised watching my cousin cuddling her five year old when I was a teenager because I don't remember receiving affection like that. I did know I was loved though

But my parents are much more affectionate and outwardly loving now. My mum now (following my lead) tells me she loves me at the end of every phone call and hugs me every time I come home.

I felt loved as a child but actual affection mainly came from mum. She told us she loved us and was proud of us frequently, and was physically demonstrative- a hugger.

Dad was much more distanced (it’s possible he was more affectionate when we were small children- I can’t really remember but photos from when I was around 2-4 suggest he was quite smiley and cuddly with us at that time.) When I was a teenager, the relationship with dad felt more tense (same for my brother). He worked long hours with a long commute and sort of lost a bit of his sense of humour and ‘joie de vivre’ for a few years. My brother and I could be a pain in the arse when we were teenagers, and dad was a bit square and old-fashioned and didn’t really appreciate our teenage laziness and shenanigans. I don’t remember him saying ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud of you’ until I was an adult. As he began to wind down what had been a stellar but very time-consuming career, and slow down to retirement, he really mellowed and he became more affectionate. I saw it too when my own children came on the scene- he adored them and had a lot of fun with them.

I try to parent as my Mum did, although I’m nowhere near as good a mum as she was as I don’t have the patience or the imagination or sense of fun that she had- she was just so brilliant with children ❤️

My DH has been more ‘present’ than my dad was throughout our DCs’ childhood. He’s worked for himself for a long time so has had flexibility in being able to spend a lot more time with the kids than my dad could with us, so they have all definitely benefitted from that, and he is a very fun and affectionate dad. I suppose on some level maybe I chose a DH who I thought had all the right qualities of a family-oriented man. Or I was just lucky I guess!

Sorry, that was longer than I intended!

No, I got told to go away a lot.

Now I know that attention seeking behaviour is just that, so I give mine attention because they’re my children and I love them.

Yes - my parents were big on showing and telling us that they loved us and each other in many different ways. Hugs, kisses, interest in our lives etc.

Frankly I've had them on a pedestal for so long that I used to worry that I couldn't measure up to them as a parent.

But we're just as demonstrative as they were, we say it all the time, my two boys still come for hugs, kisses and close contact at 12 & 10 (not sure how long it'll last!).

It's funny because our nanny said to me "I've worked with lots of families where the dad loves the kids but may not show it that much, but MrStrokethefurrywall comes through the door and the first thing he does is find the boys and give them a hug, a kiss and ask them how their day was."

So I like to think we're doing ok and our boys never grow up feeling that we didn't love them enough.

No, I didn’t have any love from my parents. I don’t even remember being hugged. My mum constantly told me she wished she’d had an abortion. We had the basics - food, a roof over our head etc, but I never felt loved.

Im the opposite with my DC. I’m the mum that I wished I had. I tell them every day I love them and am proud of them.

No, not much affection. My parents separated when I was very young. My mum was better than my dad but even that was quite strained and she wasn't shy of telling me if I was boring her and asking me to leave the room. I'd get a hug on arrival and maybe 2 hrs of catching up then she'd talk over the TV at me to the point there was no point watching while she drank and got increasingly cross until I removed myself and went to bed to read. Dad barely talks even now and would sit in silence in the car driving me from school, maybe with a tape on to stop it being too awkward. We'd arrive, I might tell a story from the week at school or something I had learnt, then we'd watch a couple of TV shows and ignore each other until it was time to go back to school on Sunday. He didn't cook so we'd be forced into eating out which meant silent eating listening to other table's conversations mainly. Going to my grandparents was much more 'normal' but we didn't hug as a family at all and you weren't meant to complain about anything because you just found ways to deal with things. The word therapy was met with smirks and eye-rolls and the most interactive we all got was board games and doing the Telegraph crosswords. All very stiff upper lip stuff.

Thing is you don't really realise home isn't what other people get until you spend time at their houses. Of course I realised a lot of parents actually turned up for Sports Day and Parent's Evening and productions, but I didn't realise until I was about 15 that most mum's hugged daily, tucked kids in at night, were interested in what they were doing etc etc.

I think it's made me very aware of being quite different as a parent. I'm very open and always asking DC what they think if something is on the radio. I'll tell them things I've learnt in a day or something relevant to what they've learnt in theirs. I always ask how they feel about tough situations and check they have people they can talk about things to if not me. I know them very well but am always aware they are changing fast and I won't always have the insight I do now. They are much more confident than I am and much better all rounders. I had therapy when DC were tiny and was told I was overcompensating and trying to do too much because I didn't have any guidelines from childhood; so I'd have friends and kids over 2 times a week, parties for every season or any reason with full decorated house, baking, always helping with homework, doing extra clubs and museum trips around the country, huge holidays...I was pretty exhausted and had huge anxiety. I'm much more balanced now, partly because I understand why I was overcompensating and partly because they're turning out alright. They're probably not going to be straight A* students but they are kind, thoughtful, curious and respectful without being submissive. They're probably what I am most proud of in life, which is something neither of my parents would ever have said about me!

My mother has always said having children ruined her lilife. As the eldest, I took on the mum role for the youngest two who are 9 and 12 years younger than me.

Not having affection didn't stop me being capable of it. I never had children of my own (my mother's warnings of it ruining her life stuck in my brain I think) but I love my younger siblings as much as I imagine I could ever love an actual child of my own. The youngest now lives abroad and I can barely think of him without crying for how much I miss him.

Even now, when I visit my parents, Dad is always glad to see me but it is hit and miss with my mother, she will randomly call me a cow or just blank me or look at me like she hates me.

She threw a tantrum when I comforted my Dad at his sister's funeral and caused a scene by refusing to sit near me at the gathering afterwards, I think purely because I'd shown affection to him and not her. He was grieving, I was only doing what I could to support him.

She is no better with her grandchildren, she doesn't spend time with them either.

I've just accepted that she is how she is.

I thought I did, until the CPN at my mental health assessment went through my family history then said “I’ll put emotional neglect, shall I?” Made sense of a lot of things.

And as a result, I work so hard to be present and consciously affectionate and loving with my children.

I had conditional love.

Do well, act right your loved. Do anything wrong or upset the elders then love is revoked 😬

With mine, i love them whatever and naturally didn't care if they are crazy clever, always happy, pristine. Didn't over fuss about milestones. I want and feel i do love them for who they are as individuals and all their quirks. My aim is for them to be who they are and empathetic, confident in where they excel and positive acceptence in where they are different.

My DF Died when I was a teen so I don't remember much but my DM has always been very affectionate and loving, likewise my DGM, DGF, Uncles.. Aunties.. we're a very cuddly loving Family and I'm exactly the same with my DCs! My Side of the Family shower my DCs with love just like I was.
My DH on the other hand was brought up with no affection whatsoever - he struggled being a first time Parent and I would have to remind him the DCs need a hug to feel better if they fell over or were upset etc.. luckily years have passed now and a handful or DCs later, he's a pro

No. Born in the 80's, functional alcoholic father & clinically depressed mother. I felt Lonely & afraid as a child (and cold, always cold but there was no physical affection)
As a parent I worry we're spoiling our daughter as it causes me great grief & guilt to punish / shout / discipline in any way. I can't stand the thought of her being afraid or upset. The teen years will no doubt be challenging.

Nope. They didn’t really like me much. That massively influenced my decision not to have dc; they didn’t exactly sell being a parent as a positive (my earliest memories are of trying to keep out of the way, because I just was a massive irritation) and I was worried I would be as shit at it as they were!

Exactly the same here.

Such sadness on this thread. 😔

I think my mum gave me a lot of love, I never met my dad (absent not dead). My mother was at work full time in London, long days, from when I was 6 weeks but I was cared for my a childminder until I was around 2 and started nursery. Early starts in the morning dropping me off at 7:30 and collecting me at 6:30.

She was very driven, I think that because of the way she grew up (with very poor parents and a lot of financial uncertainty) she cared a lot about making money and progressing in her career because it gave her a sense of security. I think she did amazing, I wish things could have been different and we could have been together more but these were the cards we were dealt and she made the right decision.

I think to say how you were parented doesn't effect the kind of parent you are is a bit mad, how could it not

I am a stay at home mum, we don't have a lot of money but we are ok. I still nurse my 3yo at bedtime and co-sleep at some point most nights, I try to read a lot about parenting and I try to get things as right as I can.

I'm so sad to read some of the stories on this thread. So sorry that some of you had such awful parenting to put up with.

Both DH and I were very loved as children and had lots of affection. My DP were very easygoing with it, DH’s DPs were very strict with it.

we are very affectionate and cuddly with our DC. Quite firm / strict too but hopefully they feel unconditionally loved.

When I went away to university it was a total revelation to me that so many people missed their parents.

If my parents loved me, they never showed it. I grew up feeling the best I could hope for was to sometimes be tolerated.

I couldn't agree more. I always knew l was loved but we knew it without need for continual l love you's. In any case, I think I would have found it embarrassing.I am not a touchy-feely person and never been. Different times. My parents showed their love for us by always being there for us, giving us opportunities to pursue interests, taking us to places, rarely expensive places, though, because they could not afford them. They also made sure we were clean and well-fed and well-behaved. This is the best way of showing love in my opinion.

yes lots, although not always demonstrative. My parents were born in the 1920's so different era

I am very demonstrative with my DC. A more vocal and physical interpretation of my parents love for me