How much interest do you expect friends to take in your baby/child?

[ShoelacesAndStrings]

No Kids yet here and I’m wondering what the norm is after a discussion with friends.

TIA

Minimal. Your friend is an absolute egoist who assumes she is the centre of everyone's world.

Life is not like that. Most people have little to no interest in their friends' children. Why would they? Other people's children are pretty boring.

Yeh it takes a village…but you get to choose whether you’re in that village and honestly, I wouldn’t expect my friends without kids to be it. My friends before having kids are MY friends. Some have kids similar ages so we take more of an interest in each other’s kids because they are friends themselves. My friends without kids always ask after them (the same way I ask after their family members/partners), but they’re not my ‘village’. My village are my parents, brother, in-laws, teachers at school, coaches at gymnastics etc.
It sounds like she’s adjusting to parenthood and feeling a little insecure. She might be worried about losing the closeness she has with you. So maybe just offer reassurance that you’ll be there for her (but that doesn’t mean you have to help raise her kid). She’ll soon settle down once she starts going to baby groups and makes sone new mum friends too.

I have found minimal.
My friends without children, virtually none at all.
My friends with children similar age I guess a bit more, we've bonded over similar situations etc but my actual children they aren't that interested in if that makes sense? We just arrange play dates between our LO who like each other and talk about parent hood / challenges we face.

Other people's kids are so boring. I have a few friends who bombard me with pictures and videos of their toddlers. I am very polite, but do a lot of eye-rolling when they can't see me.

I think it's weird to like children generically as a class of human being. Like saying that you love old people.

Some kids you just have a good vibe with, others not. One of my best friends' sons is a right little toad.

This is so true. When the send videos that are 5 minutes long... I just don't watch any of the videos friends and family send me of their kids if they're over 15 seconds. I also have to regularly delete my WhatsApp videos as they're 99% videos of children taking up my phone storage space

I've been thinking about this thread quite a bit and wondering why so many of the replies seem so alien to me. I get that's partly a Mumsnet thing.

There seems to be a high proportion of people here who are quite insular and not really interested in other people but maybe people are more honest online too?

Anyway, I spent time with my friend's 2 little kids the other day. We did kid stuff (park etc) and it was a pretty child focused outing. It was fun and next time our meet up will probably feature more vodka and less soft play.

But I want to know them and want them to know me. They don't have close aunts or uncles so if they come to me for support when they're older I'd be chuffed they felt able to.

I've got friends with teen/young adult kids and I like that I've still got a connection to them and they know I care about them.

I love getting to know them as adults and seeing them grow and change. What a privilege to have that relationship that isn't forced by blood or duty.

My friend had a baby this year and I'm so excited for her and have love for her child because she's hers. Why wouldn't I?

For me 'it takes a village' doesn't mean raise my children but offer support, be there if we need each other, be the family we choose.

I'm talking about my close friends btw not casual drinking buddies or work friends.

I think that you’re the exception not the rule ,yourlobster. I genuinely think that most people aren’t as interested or invested in other people’s children as you and another few posters seem to be. At least I’ve encountered very few people who are that interested in others’ children. It’s nice and I’m sure it’s appreciated by your friends but it’s not the norm in my experience.

Personally I’ll always ask how their children are and I’ll talk to their child a little to be polite and I’ll hold/entertain their baby/toddler so that my friend can finish their meal but I have absolutely no desire to “hang out” with a child or have much interaction with them.

I think you're the outlier on this, not that that's a bad thing.
I do ask after friend's children, much the same way I ask after my childless friends' pets. I'll heart react to the videos I've not watched, I'll politely listen and be sympathetic when parent friends need to moan about parenting. But other people's children really aren't that interesting to most people.

I would be round every day if my friend had a baby and I lived nearby! When my sister had her babies I made the trip from UK to Oz at least twice a year to see them. I couldn't wait! I realised when I had my own that not everyone is as keen... Most people care and are kind though.

Yes, this is how I feel, too. Mumsnet is odd in how un-motherly many people seem on it!

They’re hardly unmotherly if they love and care for their own children. Why do they have to Mother everyone’s children too?

I don’t see many people having the same expectations of men.

Thought I was the only one. I have and love my kids/grandkids but not other ppls kids

I think for me it depends on how close i am to the parent.
Tbh usually not that fussed at all about friends kids but my childhood best friend i do care, quite a lot :) or atleast am interested.
I think its more an deep interest in my friend and hence their kid / joint life.

TLDR: Any relationship requires effort and commitment from both sides. As your (future) child is too young to make the effort you need to do it on their behalf to start the relationship off, and they as well as your friends need to want to continue it when they get older.

Long answer: I don't think there is a norm. I am age mid-40s now so I have known friends have children for about 20 years, but I have no children of my own (unfortunately).

When a friend is expecting a child I always start off from a position of intending to keep the friendship going and have a relationship with their child too. I realise how much life shifts when you become a parent and I'm more than willing to make the extra effort to bridge that need as a good friend.

But as a consequence, I would say the friendships I've kept and the children I continue to take interest in and have some relationship with has largely resulted from how much interest the friend/parent has taken in me in return.

A few examples,

Friend only replies to messages to tell me how tired they are and have no free time, won't see me even if I offer to come to them and bring food for us with me - no relationship with them, no interest in child.

Friend will only see me when they have a "night off" because they know I am available to go out with, and then they want to go for drinks and only talk about how great it is to be out drinking instead of doing bathtime, shows no interest in me - no interest in child, little relationship with friend except for occasional night out if I feel like it.

Friend says they want to keep in touch and makes effort to show interest in me, but all conversation and meetings revolve around the child, think, "would really love to see you, can you join us at soft play" - some relationship with friend, very basic interest in child that ends when child is old enough to entertain themselves.

Friend genuinely wants to continue friendship and makes an effort to keep in touch and include me in their child's life, not as a babysitter or occasional present-giver, but as someone they value having around them and their children - these are the friendships I've maintained and value, and these are the children I've seen grow up and had a good relationship with from birth through childhood into teenage.

This is sad. This is exactly the sort of relationship I would like to have with my friends and their children but haven't managed it with many. If only there was an adopt an aunty scheme I'd be there!

Having seen the update about the "it takes a village" idea, my previous comment perhaps didn't answer your question in the way you wanted.
I actually think it's nice your friend has said this. She's obviously not expecting you to have shared custody, choose the school, etc, she just making it clear she wants you to be part of her and the child's life. What's wrong with that?
FWIW, I think more parents should take a "village" approach to parenting. It seems to be a trend, especially on here, that the parent owns the child and they must only think/see/do whatever the parent wants, but that's not how life works.

DH and I were the first of our friends to have children (as in, absolutely none of our joint friends, none of my friends, and none of his friends - until this year and our eldest is 4yo now), so I have lots of experience of friends taking varying degrees of interest.

I don't expect my friends to be part of "the village" bringing up our children, but I certainly am grateful for those who have made an effort to accommodate us becoming parents and genuinely made an effort to build a relationship with our children. It is really lovely that my children have other adults they can trust, who are not blood related to them (especially as I'm an only child and DH's brothers live very far away). E.g. friends who will come over for a mid-week 5.30pm dinner, get stuck in with helping with the dinner-bath-bed chaos and clean up, and then be happy to relax with us in our messy living room covered in toys afterwards. Friends who are involved enough to already be known to nursery so can pick them up in an emergency (or even just because they want to) and who our children are happy and excited to see at pick up time. Friends who will come to our children's birthday parties and help us host!!! (I SOBBED when 3 of my child free friends turned up to DS's 4th birthday party and just pitched in; I was so overwhelmed and stressed because we'd never hosted random kids before - I absolutely did not expect them to!).

But of course, I also love and appreciate my friends who have zero interest in our children or spending time with children, who have tolerated me bringing a toddler along to coffee dates even though the sticky fingers and whining makes their skin itch (I make an effort to see these friends when I'm child-free as often as I can, obviously!), and nodded politely when my eldest was tiny and all I could talk about was sleep and reflux.

Most of our friends are in the latter camp, as we expected everyone to be honestly. I think that is the thing - it is LOVELY when friends are interested and helpful with your children, but most people are not going to want to do that and you have to decide if you love your friends as they are, or if you love what they can do for you....

I don’t expect any help or interest from friends but sone are more interested than others, which is fine. If someone was to come and visit me I might expect them to bring a meal or something (as I have done when visiting friends with babies) rather than expect me to cook etc. as a fever as l acknowledgement that you might be down on time to do basic stuff.