Child contact wirh ex.. coparenting - is this fair?

[LD233]

Hi so me and my ex have a 7 month old son and as he is not breastfed he has him one night per week on a weekend either Friday or Saturday and brings back the following day. He said he can't see him in the week as he lives 40 minutes away. He doesn't contact at all in the week asking how is son is or checking on him
He also said this will never change and he will always have him just one night psr week. Whereas he sees his other son everyday as he lives with his other sons mom.

I just don't feel like this is fair long term. I'm already having to sacrifice work I am going back part time and putting our son in nursery and paying for it as he is also refusing to pay towards any nursery fees.

I feel like I am struggling and he is doing the bare minimum in my eyes.
I have asked several times if he can help abit more in the week or even one more night and he refuses.

Is one night a week on a weekend the norm for coparenting ? Im thinking long term. I am exhausted from doing it alone but I know that's just being a single parent whilst he and as he has said 'babysits' on a weekend for less than 24 hours. He doesn't seem that interested to me. Especially not even checking in on our child to ensure he's ok

He also has nothing for him at his. I have to provide everything Nappies formula food clothes wipes etc as he refuses

I know, if he actually did that you just respond to this that research shows that women with unsupportive partners are significantly more likely to have pnd. I certainly had an extremely unsupportive partner and now I’m free of him I’m depression free. I just want that same freedom and good mental health for our children.

Cut the fucker off. He will go to court to get to see one child but can’t be bothered with the other, he’s a prick. You both deserve better. Stop putting up with his shit. Your son will do just fine with his Mum. I know parenting is hard with little to no help, but be proud of all you do for him.

Exactly this. I've even offered to.drop him and collect him in the week one day after work and he's refusing. Saying no he works and cannot be a parent after work. ( even though he parents his other child every day after work ) he treats our child like a burden and a chore. I'm done now and blocked him.

I wouldn't want my child around this waste of space at all. It's setting him up for future issues, feeling rejected, probably been let down and treated like shit. He'd be better off not seeing him at all and having a loving, stable environment with you.

I'm all for children being able to see both parents but only when they are loved and wanted. Otherwise it's just going to be damaging and disrupting to them.

Your ex sounds like the type of man who won't give a shit about seeing the child until you tell him he can't. Then he'll probably start pushing for contact because he doesn't like being told what to do. I would just stop instigating contact and gradually try to phase him out. It will be hard raising your child alone without breaks or support but truthfully it sounds like this is in your ds best interests. Nobody needs a deadbeat dad. The stepmother would worry me too. She's not going to like having your ds - who she will view as an unfortunate blip in their relationship - around is she?

Yes all he ever calls me is crazy unstable selfish and not fit to be a mother. Even though I do everything for our child. All I asked for was more support but never had that. I've gave up now. I'll let him.go to court.

I'm sorry you're in that position. But you can't co-parent with him. Please, please don't leave a baby overnight with him. He might be an ok dad to his older son but this is exactly how horror stories in the news unfold; of serious neglect, even abuse. If he doesn't care about the baby and worse, actively detests you, you don't know what he might do to your child. He is not and won't be a "male role model". At best, he'll take some kind of care of your baby 10% of the week (you'll have more peace of mind with a licensed childminder/daycare). At worst, he'll traumatise your son or you or both. Don't subject yourself to that.
Go to court if needed but find the help, support and positive role models completely elsewhere for your own sanity 💛

Oh wow
so sorry that you’re going through this, being a new parent is so hard, let alone with this to contend with. He sounds like a piece of work.

With regards to seeing your son, do you want to change how much he has him, or do you want to change how much support you get? If the latter, please please don’t feel afraid to ask family and friends for help. It sounds like you’re in a tough position and if it were my friend or family I would want to help out by having your little one. Unless your friends and family are awful, I imagine they would want to help too.

So, if he ‘deducts’ any cost from CMS they will get him. CMS have so much power it’s untrue. If he falls into debt with it they can go so far as to take his passport and drivers license so he will find that out the hard way, and most likely pay up anyway.

You could get a court ordered custody arrangement in place which would force his hand at either seeing his son, or you could try to go full custody.
The former would of course give you more of a break, but would you feel ok with that?
if the latter, he would likely need to up his CMS payments as you do everything full time which could help you financially.
I would recommend asking for a variation on CMS when nursery starts as your circumstances will have changed so you could be able to get more depending on his earnings etc

from here on out, I’d adjust your expectations to expect nothing from him. It must hurt when you ask for more but don’t get it. It seems clear he’s a pretty vile individual, and I’m sorry for you that you’re going through it. He’s a crap excuse for a dad, your son deserves better but I highly doubt he will change for the better. It will show in his relationship with your son.

It’s ok if it feels hard. It feels hard because it is. Having a baby even in a couple is hard. You’re doing great, use your village of people x

Make your own support. He’s less support than a wet plaster.
just think back to when he was “fighting” for rights to his other kid, you know his tactics; you’ve got the upper hand.
the fact that he’s doing the bare
minimum won’t go well in his favour!!!

You’ve got this solo parenting - and if you get breaks, see if family will take baby for longer less frequently.

No, not fair at all

Yes all he ever calls me is crazy unstable selfish and not fit to be a mother. Even though I do everything for our child.

But he’s happy to allow you to raise the child alone except for one night a week? And to go the rest of the time with no contact at all. What a knobber. Honestly, tell him to take you to court as you can’t wait to ask the judge about a 50/50 split. I bet he’ll run a mile.

Exactly this ^^

If he were genuinely concerned - for his baby's well-being/safety, I mean, seeing as how you're allegedly all of these things, in his opinion, @LD233 - then he'd be fighting to have the little one as much and as often as possible. But he's not. So if (and it's a big "if") he takes you to court... point out this discrepancy. Because it's a whopper of one!

I doubt very much he'll bother to take you to court. That would drop himself in it as the shit excuse of a father that he actually is, too much. This is a form of abuse towards you, on his part - and probably egged on by the ex/girlfriend. He knows this is upsetting you (and we all want that amicable co-parenting situation for our kids sake, whether it happens, or not), so he'll dig the nail into the emotional wound just to hurt you, so that you continue to allow him to be in control.

But he's just the babysitter.

As upsetting as that is, think of it as you and your baby having had a lucky escape. And enjoy your first Mother's Day (if you're in the UK) knowing that actually... you're doing the absolute best job that you possibly can for your baby right now.

Did I read this right that you are hoping to soon move in with someone else? I’m sorry but that doesn’t seem a wise move at all. Your baby is 7 months old. Sort out this mess and work on yourself and improving your self worth. Don’t make things even more complicated.

Also, just to say; if he’s so worried he can use it as some sort of evidence, it doesn’t look
that great for him that he isn’t doing more about his son now if it’s that bad. It’s just something he’s saying to worry you!

As others say, sadly you can’t make people behave better. You can however do the best you can- so you’ve promoted contact, asked for support- neither are forthcoming anymore than you get so you’ve done your best.

Focus on doing what you can to make your life work for you and your son- he’s been clear about his intentions so I would make sure his maintenance is in line with what CMS suggest. If not, let them sort it and just enjoy life with your baby. I know it’s hard alone, but we are capable of amazing things and it really is his loss!!

Mate, I’m sorry but it sounds to me like he doesn’t want to play at families with you.
Definitely get the cms to arrange what he should be paying you and as for allowing your baby to stay overnight with him and his other family, I would probably stop that too. I know this means you get no respite so I hope you can call on your support network to help you when you need it.
If my friend asked me to watch dc so she could do xyz, I’d be delighted to help out.
I’m sorry that you have found yourself in the situation. Sounds like you were never a full time option for him and that’s sad.
The way you describe him and how he was with you during the pregnancy and postpartum…. You (and dc) are so much better off without him. Good luck darling x

My mother but its not possible anymore I live alone with my child. I am not interested in dating at all at the moment with my mental.health and focusing on my son

I think that’s really sensible. I’m sad for you that baby’s Dad has been such a let down. Rise above, know your worth. You can do this!

Not unusual I'm afraid. I have a son and my ex doesn't bother seeing him hardly. Won't talk to me or his son. I'd just leave it.
With regards to Child Maintenance, you have to remember that CMS will take into consideration that he is a full time dad to another child with someone else, so you'll get a smaller amount than if your child was his only one. I've found going to the CMS just made the situation worse for me and worse for my child.

He was 16 month when we met, but yeah he was shared 50/50. They’d split when he was 9 months, they shared custody.

One night isn’t the norm, no matter what you may think. At 7 months the mum is wanting him to have him more, this time is imperative for building a bond with his dad. He’s never going to get that with 1 day a week - more or less a grandparent or Aunty/ uncle type relationships

I would say 50/50 of a 7 month old is far less “normal” no matter what YOU may think.