Child contact wirh ex.. coparenting - is this fair?

[LD233]

Hi so me and my ex have a 7 month old son and as he is not breastfed he has him one night per week on a weekend either Friday or Saturday and brings back the following day. He said he can't see him in the week as he lives 40 minutes away. He doesn't contact at all in the week asking how is son is or checking on him
He also said this will never change and he will always have him just one night psr week. Whereas he sees his other son everyday as he lives with his other sons mom.

I just don't feel like this is fair long term. I'm already having to sacrifice work I am going back part time and putting our son in nursery and paying for it as he is also refusing to pay towards any nursery fees.

I feel like I am struggling and he is doing the bare minimum in my eyes.
I have asked several times if he can help abit more in the week or even one more night and he refuses.

Is one night a week on a weekend the norm for coparenting ? Im thinking long term. I am exhausted from doing it alone but I know that's just being a single parent whilst he and as he has said 'babysits' on a weekend for less than 24 hours. He doesn't seem that interested to me. Especially not even checking in on our child to ensure he's ok

He also has nothing for him at his. I have to provide everything Nappies formula food clothes wipes etc as he refuses

I’d stop contacting him. I don’t think your baby would be in a welcoming and loving environment when with your ex and his current partner.

A baby is better off without a father than having a shit one.

Your baby isn’t losing out, he has you.

I absolutely understand you wanting your child to know and have contact with their father, I really do. I've been there and I feel for you but sometimes no matter how much you want to do the right thing, if the other parent isn't doing the right thing sadly you have to accept that and deal with it. What exactly does he want? If he isn't on the BC, he doesn't have parental rights (or equally parental responsibilities) and he sounds like a massive cunt to be honest so leave him be, document everything, brace yourself for single motherhood and let him 'take you to court'. Pretty sure he won't.

It's so sad when some fathers behave like this, as there are also so many amazing fathers who desperately try to remain in their children's lives after a breakup but are unable to because some women use their children as pawns. 😔

It’s time for boundaries. Move the payments to through cms so he can’t reduce them? Then when he texts Friday night you say baby will be available at 5pm, we won’t be here after 5:30. and make sure you are not around from half an hour after every pick up time until he gets the message, on time or not at all. You can’t makE him do more or much at all but you can make him fit in with some basic time agreements or not see his baby. You can say you need to provide bottles and formula, and not send any. If baby is starving after one visit and you think they didn’t get fed or changed, you stop the visits explaining why over text or email.

He sounds like a complete dead bead and I'd bet that he is not a good dad to his other child, either.

It's not fair at all on you or the baby OP but even if he said he'd help by having him for some of your working hours you wouldn't be able to rely on him anyway.

You don't need this person in your life!

Stop letting your 7 month old stay overnight with this fucking loser. Does he even go to him when he cries in the night. It would actually be easier on your own.

The father not taking up the court ordered contact is not a breach of order and cannot be enforced.

@LittleOwl153

With regards to CMS, they do allow reductions for things like travel costs that involve collecting and returning the child.

It is correct that with a CAO the OP would be able to take her son abroad without permission from the father but this can only be for up to 1 month and if it interfered with his contact time under the court order without his agreement, then that would be a breach of the order.

If the father asks for split birthdays and Christmas, the court would usually award alternate or some other agreement that the parties could reach. A judge would not give all special occasions to the mother - unless of course the father doesn't want them.

It does not mean that OP would have primary say in her son's schooling. Both parents have PR and have equal say on where the child attends school. These decisions should be made between parents without the need for court intervention but if an agreement cannot be reached, a specific issue order can be applied for.

A penal order is not usually attached to a first order as there is no track record of withholding contact. A penal order also does not give the police any powers; it just means that a contempt of court application can be filed if breached as opposed to an enforcement order. It carries more severe consequences than the standard warning notice on an order.

In the eyes of the law, he is both of the parent's child and they both have equal responsibility towards him and can make decisions independently of one another.

OP very gently, you need to work on your self-resolve. This is not a person you want in yours or your child’s life.

It sounds like it’s been a real brain-fuck of a couple of years for you, and you definitely need a break from this man.

Echoing others about sorting evidence that support your claims of cruelty, cutting contact and CMS. However, this does not sound like a person who likes being told what to do so prepare for some crappy behaviour and not getting any financial support.

This is absolutely awful for you and your baby 😪 I'm so sorry he is such a useless human being. I definitely wouldn't be letting my precious baby stay somewhere they are unwanted.
Especially at such a young age, not being able to communicate and tell you what goes on when he's there. He's so vulnerable. At the very least I would be terrified of some form of neglect. Eg if your ex went to the toilet and left baby with the gf. Do you think she'll look after him if he cries? Or would she leave him sobbing alone? Sorry to do worst case scenario but she will definitely be holding a grudge to you and your baby and I just couldn't trust her. I would let him threaten all he likes. By the time it would all go to court your little one will be older and more able to communicate. Even if he can be bothered doing that, nothing will stand in his favour. Compile your evidence.

With regards to childcare, are you claiming UC ? You may be entitled to up to 80% back on childcare. Best of luck. You can do this.

Thank you everyone..I have not yet claimed CMS as we had an agreement but he threatens to stop it everytime so I will make a claim however he is self employed. So I am worried he is going to lie about what he earns and dodge it. He already said I'd get a lot less on CMS and he says if I stop contact he will never give me money. He always uses money as weapon. When this should be about our son
I've been through hell since the start of my pregnancy up until now my son is 7 months old. With PPD and depression due to what he's put me through cheating etc and now he puts our baby last. Even though he says he doesn't. I have already told him I can't take anymore of this and it isn't worth the stress. All he says is I'll see you in court and your the one who won't get any money or a break on that one night a weekend. But I'm done with it. I'd rather struggle alone than have him be stressed and tbh I'd rather a court order if he goes to court. I've been worrier about his gf being around my son. She antagonised me my whole pregnancy. Telling me all the details of them two and she hated me being pregnant and wasn't happy at all. She's also tried to commit suicide infront of her children (when I found out about the affair last hear and my ex threatened to leave her for telling me) and shes made fake accounts up of me saying ive been threatening her- anything to make me look bad. She's not right and I've asked him not to take her around my child but he says with a court order he can take him around her. So I'll have no say which is why I tried to prevent court also as he apparently doesn't stay at home with her when he has our son. I don't believe him though.

I wouldn’t worry about this fool . He isn’t co parenting with you . Get a cms claim in and accept this loser is unlikely to be involved in your kids life ( great , no loss ) .

Let’s be honest OP, he doesn’t care about his other son either. He’s only seeing him because he’s sleeping with his mum and he lives there, so I doubt very much that child is getting better treatment than yours which is just so sad for them both.

As others have said, stop contact and let him
contact you, or let him drift away. It will only get harder as he gets older and you’ll find when your son starts asking for him you won’t have the answers.

It’s so shit and you won’t get a break of course but in the long run it will be 100% easier doing it alone x

@LD233

Is he employed? If he is paid my an employer he can't lie about how much he earns. If that is the case, go through CMS for maintenance then other than quitting his job he can't mess you around paying.

Have you applied for universal credit and child yet? That will contribute to your nursery fees.

Please don’t let your baby go to this man’s and his unstable wife any more. You don’t know how they are treating him. If your ex wants to see his son then insist he spends time with him under your watch. No court would force you to send him away while he is so young. Hopefully he will just disappear from your lives.

Why would you send you SEVEN month old away to a total stranger essentially, just to get a break ? To a family that don't want him.. don't even want him enough to provide for him basic needs ? There isn't a hope in hell I would send my son off over night in those circumstances.. you want this vile man to take him more, I would be doing everything in my power to prevent his access for the safety and well being of my child.

Your update makes it’s worse , don’t let your baby go, they both sound awful not good role models. In fact dangerous.
you have childcare in place after mat leave, this will be much safer for your baby.

You are not coparenting, hes a selfish man who is just seeing his child for appearances so people think better if him, its hard but you need to change the way you think. Accept you are doing it alone. Thats much less stressful that constantly thinking about what he is or is not doing. Also go for child maintenance

What a mess and horrible situation for you. I would try and get your head around being a single parent. I would put the cms claim in and stop the overnights because it doesn’t seem to be a stable situation. He may take you to court and then you will have a solid arrangement or he will drift away and possibly that would be for the best.

I think you need to let go of the concept of "fair". You are a single parent and your DC's Dad lives full time with their other child and is in a relationship with that child's mother. It's never going to be equal and you will just make yourself bitter by comparing.

Instead, the practical questions: are you getting all the financial support you're entitled to? Do the current arrangements work for you? Do you want your child overnight somewhere else once per week? Where else can you get support/get a break? Would you be better off applying for CMS compared to what he gives you now? What other positive male role models are going to be in this child's life?

Just make peace with the fact that this guy is always going to be a disappointment.

Ok, my username sounds awful on this post, but easing this took me back 15 years. I’ve been there, had the threats, told me he couldn’t cope with his own children 4 nights a month. Threatened me with stopping money, said I was unfit because I had PND and medication. Even tried to say I’d caused a broken arm because he wasn’t there to see it when it happened, we were still married when it happened and he had no issues at the time. When you have a toddler who climbs everything its not unusual!
Looking back I was too easy on him, even though I knew deep down none of it was true it’s hard to ignore the constant threats and messages.
Take a deep breath, ask for help from your family, a coffee and an honest chat can do as much good as anything else. Do they know how bad he is?
if you’ve not already, claim any help you’re entitled to, child benefit, universal credit, any help with rent etc. Sometimes these are helpful for schooling, free meals help with uniform and trips etc. This is temporary, everything will pass and you will get stronger.
I did not question the maintenance I got for 10 years, then when my eldest left school I checked CMS out, he should have been paying double, so when he said he was going to reduce it I actually put my foot down and he realised he would possibly be screwed over if I then did CMS.
I agree with all the posts about give him a time for pick up, if he’s not there go out, walk to a shop, park, anywhere. He’ll soon realise he can’t call all the shots. It takes strength and resilience but you can do it, ask for help from your doctor, medication is fantastic but a person to talk to can do so much more.
Ask your health visitor about any groups for new mams, there may be one for PND, there was when I had it and it was amazing, they provided childcare for a couple of hours and we got to have coffee, chat, read magazines, paint nails, do a bit of crafting. Just time to be a person and not just a mam. Try a surestart too, they have things on, you get to meet other people with similar aged children.
When you do get back to work it will help too, you get to be you again for a bit.
This is a massive message but one last point, life is fluid, it move in all directions, some you love some you don’t, just remember it’s never permanent, you will get through this and be a stronger person for it.
I have 2 grown up daughters, an amazing husband who swept me away 3 years ago and live is settled.
YOU CAN DO THIS

You can't make someone be a better NR parent. If he isn't willing to spend more time with his child you cannot make it happen and he has made it crystal clear he is not interested. Spend your energy on changing what you do have control of.

Go through CMS so you can be sure he continues to completely fulfil his financial responsibilities. Make sure you are claiming any benefits you are entitled to.

Set a fixed visitation that suits you.

Start building your life assuming he won't be there to help you.

One night is not the norm. He’s missing out on a genuine relationship with him. Your son will feel jealous and pushed out about the time he spends with his other child. He’s also not going to get to know his sibling as well as he should.

I agree with the poster who said stop chasing him, let him come to you. Maybe he will change if he realises you’re not bothered. He might be using this as a power thing right now.
Fighting to see him, when he hardly bothers now, is him playing the dotting dad in words only. Just bite your tongue and let him do the running. If he’s late collecting him, by 3 hours, don’t answer the door. Tell him you were going o it and couldn’t stay in. Don’t let him think he’s in control - as clearly that’s what he’s doing.

We had my stepson 3 or 4 nights a week until he was 10. After that his mum moved further away and he changed schools, so wasn’t at school with our younger son anymore. It was about 30 commute in rush hour, with both working full time we could not have him during the week as couldn’t get him to school and to work on time.
we started having him just Friday and Saturday then, but every week. Holidays would usually be the full holiday etc.
We had a good relationship with him all
his life, he’s just another brother to our other boys - not a step brother. If your ex isn’t offering this then it’s a world of hurt for your son.

Why are you pushing for your baby to have contact with a man who clearly doesn't care about him? I don't see how this is vaguely good for anyone invovled.

Are you missing the fact that the child is only 7 months old? 50/50 wouldn’t be normal either for such a small child, a baby really, was you having your SS for 4 nights a week at 7 months old?

Exactly this whole thread has been about the op wanting him to have the child more?! Even after everything she has said about him.