Child contact wirh ex.. coparenting - is this fair?

[LD233]

Hi so me and my ex have a 7 month old son and as he is not breastfed he has him one night per week on a weekend either Friday or Saturday and brings back the following day. He said he can't see him in the week as he lives 40 minutes away. He doesn't contact at all in the week asking how is son is or checking on him
He also said this will never change and he will always have him just one night psr week. Whereas he sees his other son everyday as he lives with his other sons mom.

I just don't feel like this is fair long term. I'm already having to sacrifice work I am going back part time and putting our son in nursery and paying for it as he is also refusing to pay towards any nursery fees.

I feel like I am struggling and he is doing the bare minimum in my eyes.
I have asked several times if he can help abit more in the week or even one more night and he refuses.

Is one night a week on a weekend the norm for coparenting ? Im thinking long term. I am exhausted from doing it alone but I know that's just being a single parent whilst he and as he has said 'babysits' on a weekend for less than 24 hours. He doesn't seem that interested to me. Especially not even checking in on our child to ensure he's ok

He also has nothing for him at his. I have to provide everything Nappies formula food clothes wipes etc as he refuses

First thing have you got evidence of his threats? Like screen shots of his texts etc? I’d definitely be compiling evidence against him. I’d be screen shotting any message where he’s refusing to “babysit” or provide for your son and keeping it.

I’d also cut contact then as he’s not on the birth certificate.

if you’re really struggling is there a chance you can move in with your mum? It might be worth having the conversation with her, tell her all about his threats if you haven’t already and make sure she’s fully in the loop. If it is possible to move in with your mum, which means you won’t have to pay as much or a mortgage or rent you might be able to save that money, use it towards nursery fees or court costs.

So you knew what he was like when you got pregnant? And now you have an issue

You can't force parenting on someone just work on your own self respect

This is going to be really damaging to your child. The child barely knows him and he will be going once a week it's like leaving him with a stranger does he settle as he gets older this will be very difficult for him he will feel very insecure and he will eventually realise the favouritism towards the other boys and it will be very damaging mentally that will affect him for the rest of his life.
I'd get a formal arrangement for maintenance that way he can't hold that power over you of reducing money at his whim. I would say the baby staying over just isn't going to work so if he wants to take it to court he can that way you'll have a clear plan of what's happening going forward. Document everything everytime he's late the lot keep all messages. Can't see him going to court as he doesn't seem to be able to make the effort to parent him it's all a control thing.

Poor baby he’s going overnight to a place he’s not wanted.
keep him home and speak to your own family and friends for support and other single parents groups.
honestly speaking from experience, it’s easier not to have the drama that will inevitably happen in your childs life with a man like that.
it seems so unfair and it is, but you’ll get stronger and happier especially if you’re baby is healthy and happy.
try not think about his life and his other children and the difference he’s making between them. You’ll only get upset. Concentrate on your and your babies future. Good luck!

his family life won’t be great and the other kids won’t be better off. id pity them. His wife certainly won’t be happy.

Yeah, I'd be taking that with a hefty pinch of salt. He doesn't want to see his baby more than once a week - can you really see him doing this? These idiots always threaten court when the reality is that they wouldn't be bothered to get off their backside to do it. Tell him to take you to court. He has no weight behind any of the threats he is making, and would never go through with it.

I have some evidence but not everything. I will be looking into moving in with someone hopefully and cutting it off as this cannot continue . Thanks

I did not know what he was like when I was pregnant. Well when I became pregnant he showed his true colours a few months later. And then told me he had to fight for his son in court as his sons mom stopped contact for no reason and I was there for him. However when I became pregnant and she was back in the picture due to custody granted he changed. And has been awful ever since.

My son sees his dad for one night every other week- his dad’s choice.
Your ex should be paying child maintenance.

in terms of nursery etc- go onto childcare choices and see what help you can get towards nursery fees.

You poor love, you must be so tired. Its ever so hard when you are alone with a baby/child and they just will not let up for a minute but they are programmed like this.
I understand that you must be desperate for a break and the contact with the father is the only one but its damaging for baby and to you to deal with all the stress for one day.
It will get easier, I promise. I'd just cut contact with this excuse for a man. He's no role model for your baby.

This is awful and unfair. I'm glad that he's able to take him once a week to give you a rest and it's good that he's an experienced parent so you know baby will be ok in their care and can see his brother. Things might change a bit as baby gets older. I think for your own mental health it's better to have no contact with him during the week and just tell him what he needs to know about sleep and bottles etc and handover time.
When baby is a bit bigger he might want to come and see him for dinner or a bath half way through the week so that baby gets less separation anxiety when leaving you but you can't do much if he says no.
I would spend your Friday nights going on dates and meet someone nicer to take your mind off him.

He's not totally shit if he's taking him
Every week and the girlfriend is probably the one asking he doesn't text much during the week as I bet she's jealous and scared they'll get back together to be fair unless baby is off to hospital or something why does he need updates in the week? Just before handover is enough.

Op I've been left with a baby too it's the toughest thing in the world please get support and counselling for the post natal depression that your ex probably caused xx

Would you be saying this if it was grandparents that babysat once a week?

This is bad advice: the court will only order her to make baby available for contact they can't order the dad to show up. Op you are in much more control if there is no court order.

If you don't want baby to do over nights yet then explain why and make another suggestion for them to have contact together.

I'm sorry it feels unfair that one child is growing up with their dad at home and the other isn't but that's the case for many half siblings.

Op also lots of happily married men are much more intersted in their older kids than the baby. Babies don't play so much and they're hard work. I think when he's older things will change and he probably will be really spoiled and taken for treats when he visits his dad's house.

You can put to him in writing about time keeping and impact on baby and set some
Boundaries eg if youre not here by 730 pm I'll start bath here and you'll have to come back and get him in ththe morning.

Also op it is very very easy for him to go to court and get himself on the bc if he bothers to even if he is absusive the court won't care

Sorry but worst advice ever.
Taking him once a week isn't good for the baby its not enough child barely knows him it will be daunting for a child to be around people he only sees weekly and the last thing she needs is another man in her life introducing another man to her child. She needs to concentrate on her son and getting back in to work both which she is already doing. She needs some good friends around her and to socialise but another relationship no she'll probably end up pregnant again and in a worse mess than she is now.

I’d be very worried about what was happening to my baby when they stayed there. Very worried. Especially with his utterly appalling attitude.

Stop contact. Claim CMS.

I’d play a bit of reverse psychology and go a bit quiet if I were you. Don’t ever chase him to see his son and take hours (or days) to reply if he contacts you. If he doesn’t ask to have him, go to your parents for the night incase he appears and your door, and the next day say “Sorry I had no idea you wanted him! Let me know next week and of course we can arrange something”.

The trick is to be super nice and helpful when he does communicate but basically impossible to get hold of. That way you train him to chase you and not the other way around.

Also you have every right to revisit the child maintenance payments when your son starts nursery, particularly if this will help you return to work full time. Any court will support you on this. Given that he’s had previous problems with an ex and child access (of his own doing) any court will be totally supportive of you in any case.

I’d also be tempted to mention to him that if he doesn’t supply necessities for his son then he can forget the one day a week he gets - not sure what grounds he thinks he has to threaten your maintenance payments if he has to supply his own essentials one day a week. Again, if he wants to take you to court you have every right to tell the court that you aren’t comfortable leaving your baby in an unsafe situation without appropriate care essentials, food, nappies, clothes etc.

And whatever you do find a good man next time… learn what to expect from men and what to look for. Good luck! 💗

Yes if the grandparents seemed uninterested , treated other grandchildren differently and was in whole horrible people then yes

Wow the bar is very low for you

Oh Op, I feel for you.
quit the contact, let him come to you,
go through CMS for the child support.
use your own family to have the baby so you can have a break. Not this scumbag xx

Yes I would if they didn't see or speak to him all week I wouldn't expect my child to settle well overnight with them and I would worry he was upset.
Neither would I be comfortable with his grandparents openly favouring other children it would be a red flag as to how he was treated when he was there.

Put your claim through cms because he can't then deduct for things he buys because you could report him for underpayment or non payment.

Don't let him have access until he deserves it... and if he takes you to court so be it - at least in court you can argue that what he's offering isn't in child's best interests.