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Original poster

Child contact wirh ex.. coparenting - is this fair?

144 replies

LD233 · 05/03/2024 19:19

Hi so me and my ex have a 7 month old son and as he is not breastfed he has him one night per week on a weekend either Friday or Saturday and brings back the following day. He said he can't see him in the week as he lives 40 minutes away. He doesn't contact at all in the week asking how is son is or checking on him
He also said this will never change and he will always have him just one night psr week. Whereas he sees his other son everyday as he lives with his other sons mom.

I just don't feel like this is fair long term. I'm already having to sacrifice work I am going back part time and putting our son in nursery and paying for it as he is also refusing to pay towards any nursery fees.

I feel like I am struggling and he is doing the bare minimum in my eyes.
I have asked several times if he can help abit more in the week or even one more night and he refuses.

Is one night a week on a weekend the norm for coparenting ? Im thinking long term. I am exhausted from doing it alone but I know that's just being a single parent whilst he and as he has said 'babysits' on a weekend for less than 24 hours. He doesn't seem that interested to me. Especially not even checking in on our child to ensure he's ok

He also has nothing for him at his. I have to provide everything Nappies formula food clothes wipes etc as he refuses

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 07/03/2024 12:42

40mins and can't be bothered my friends ex does a 3 hour round trip on his day off during the week to see the toddlers for the day and every friday-sunday her kids stay with him

unicornsarereal72 · 07/03/2024 13:55

You need to drop the rope on this one. Your son does not need a dad like this in his life. Build your own support networks. Tell him he is free to see his son on x day at x time and he has 30 mins leeway. And go about your day

You need to focus on you being the best parent you can be. You can't make anyone else step up and parent.

My kids hardly see their dad but he is happily involved in his partners kids lives. That up to him. I don't give it any head space.

Original poster
LD233 · 07/03/2024 16:10

IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy · 07/03/2024 10:45

I think you need to let go of the concept of "fair". You are a single parent and your DC's Dad lives full time with their other child and is in a relationship with that child's mother. It's never going to be equal and you will just make yourself bitter by comparing.

Instead, the practical questions: are you getting all the financial support you're entitled to? Do the current arrangements work for you? Do you want your child overnight somewhere else once per week? Where else can you get support/get a break? Would you be better off applying for CMS compared to what he gives you now? What other positive male role models are going to be in this child's life?

Just make peace with the fact that this guy is always going to be a disappointment.

Hi yes I am claiming benefits tomorrow when I get my head straight.
My mom sometimes helps when she can and my sisters but they have children of their own. I think im just going to let it go he's already said today he's going to apply to court as I'm 'pushing more contact' on him and his payments will stop immediately if I am stopping contact. I also offered more consistency for our son and said I would even drive in the week to his house to drop our son for a few hours and then pick him - he has refused this. I give up so I am going to allow him to apply to court and block him. I can't take anymore and my son does deserve so much better.

OP posts:

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kkloo · 07/03/2024 16:36

OP, on your last thread everyone said to stop pushing for him to be more involved because it isn't healthy and you can't force him to be a good dad.

You are obsessed with how he treats your son compared to his other one, but it's clear that his relationship with his kids is only as good as the relationships he has with their mothers so no doubt he's only being an involved dad to the other one for now, and that will change.

He's not going to do anything to make your life easier, and even if he did tell you that he'd take the baby x days a week so you could work he would no doubt be flakey so you can't rely on him anyway.

He is loving all this power he has over you, you begging him to mind the baby more, him threatening to not give you a break that one night a week, threatening to stop giving you maintenance, saying you have to provide everything or he'll take it off the maintenance, saying no to you when you offer to drop the baby to his.

Also him and his girlfriend will be LOVING this, and bonding over ridiculing all your messages and requests. Stop giving them ammunition.

SpiritOfEcstasy · 07/03/2024 20:18

He seriously sounds just like my ExH. Although mine wouldn’t commit to any overnight access, just ad hoc if and when it suited him. Even if he agreed to something and I made plans he’d often fail to show up and say he changed his mind. I realised I couldn’t force him to be a Father and moved overseas. He then dragged me through the courts for years attempting to gain sole custody of our DDs. He lost thankfully. And hasn’t seen them ever since … almost six years now. I took him to court for child support, I’d suggest you do the same - they don’t get to decide how much they pay or make deductions. I had that too 🙄 I had the whole ‘babysitting’ thing as well even when we were together 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’d tell his friends ‘no I can’t meet you I’m babysitting SofE’s children …’

S4uk · 07/03/2024 20:41

It’s not co-parenting… it’s him being a dick.
please for your sanity, walk away!!!

DisabledDemon · 07/03/2024 20:52
  1. He's a cunt.
  2. He's a cunt.

Talk to CAB and see what can be done. Deducting money because he's had to buy some wipes or other necessaries for his child is ridiculous and petty. And did I mention that he's a cunt?

Original poster
LD233 · 07/03/2024 21:28

DisabledDemon · 07/03/2024 20:52

  1. He's a cunt.
  2. He's a cunt.

Talk to CAB and see what can be done. Deducting money because he's had to buy some wipes or other necessaries for his child is ridiculous and petty. And did I mention that he's a cunt?

Agreed lol. Thank you

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 07/03/2024 23:28

OP there’s not a chance in hell he’s going to take this to court, I promise you. So please don’t worry about that.

StealthMama · 08/03/2024 06:40

Please just remember that he's not on the BC he can't just take you to court.

He has to prove he is the father and has parental responsibility first. This will take time and money. I suspect he is t bothered enough, but this is a form of abuse. It's a way of controlling you.

Which ISNT needed to claim CMS.

He was probably on the bus of his other children, but I do wonder if there ever was court involved or if that's a lie.

instantick · 08/03/2024 06:55

put your son first and cut him off x

GrannyHelen1 · 08/03/2024 08:11

It is what it is. At least you get one night a wek to relax - it's better than if he had no contact at all. Yes, it would be lovely if he had his baby for a whole weekend, or supplied some of the necessary kit, but I don't see how you can force him. Just enjoy the break.

Seelybee · 08/03/2024 09:50

This isn't co-parenting or anything close to it. It's contact arrangements and nothing more. His obligation is to provide financial support but otherwise he determines how much of a father he chooses to be. The harsh reality is that you are a single parent and you will have to plan your life around the contact and input your ex chooses to provide. He's clearly chosen his existing family. You're bound to feel really let down but actually any woman who chooses to have a child can potentially end up in that position no matter how promising and secure it all looks to start with. That's not being unsympathetic but what happens all too often.

EmeraldA129 · 08/03/2024 11:21

It’s not the norm, but I wouldn’t want my baby spending any more time with this man than I absolutely had to. It sounds like you’re not even clear exactly where your baby is staying when they are with him.

him being self employed could make claiming through cms fruitless if he’s expensing everything & keeping his ‘income’ super low. Do you know how much he used to pay his then ex?

you are not going to continue getting voluntary contributions from him in the long term & there is no way you should willingly be supplying him with nappies, bottles & clothes when he does occasionally spend some time with his kid.

id go to cms, refuse overnight access unless he provides you with full details of where your baby is staying and with whom, and would not encourage him to see your baby any more. Put your energy into raising a better human than he is.

Zanatdy · 08/03/2024 12:30

I’d just stop contact, as it would really p me off how uninterested he is. Perhaps he might have him a bit more if he’s prepared to fight. He sounds like a complete loser

Kyliejane · 08/03/2024 14:22

Cut your losses and let him go. He seems like a waste of space and time. Keep these meet ups and messages as proof if he ever decided to go to court. (Doubt it) unfortunately it seems like you were the Time pass and he is not interested. Being a single parent will be hard but your child is worth more than being forced upon by someone like that. I’m sorry you went through that but he’s going to drain you.

Latenightanxiety · 08/03/2024 15:31

LD233 · 06/03/2024 08:56

He also says if I ever stop contact he will be applying to court anyway and he apparently has a load of evidence against me ( which he doesn't) when I was newly postpartum with severe postpartum depression alone on a high dose of anti depressants and I still am on those.

So let him. Then he would be allowed to be late, he’s probably have to have more contact and he could stop money on a whim

HollyKnight · 08/03/2024 16:53

He's going to take you to court because you want him to have more contact? He's a bit thick, isn't he. I don't know why women keep breeding with cretins like this.

Just stop contact. Let him take you to court to explain to the judge why he doesn't want to see his child. Idiot.

navigatingmy20s · 08/03/2024 18:08

LD233 · 05/03/2024 19:19

Hi so me and my ex have a 7 month old son and as he is not breastfed he has him one night per week on a weekend either Friday or Saturday and brings back the following day. He said he can't see him in the week as he lives 40 minutes away. He doesn't contact at all in the week asking how is son is or checking on him
He also said this will never change and he will always have him just one night psr week. Whereas he sees his other son everyday as he lives with his other sons mom.

I just don't feel like this is fair long term. I'm already having to sacrifice work I am going back part time and putting our son in nursery and paying for it as he is also refusing to pay towards any nursery fees.

I feel like I am struggling and he is doing the bare minimum in my eyes.
I have asked several times if he can help abit more in the week or even one more night and he refuses.

Is one night a week on a weekend the norm for coparenting ? Im thinking long term. I am exhausted from doing it alone but I know that's just being a single parent whilst he and as he has said 'babysits' on a weekend for less than 24 hours. He doesn't seem that interested to me. Especially not even checking in on our child to ensure he's ok

He also has nothing for him at his. I have to provide everything Nappies formula food clothes wipes etc as he refuses

Aww OP I just want to reach out and give you a hug!

IMO, I would forget about him, stop reaching out and making the effort.

If he wants to see his son he can initiate contact and if he doesn’t reach out then it’s his loss!

I have no experience being a single mum but I can imagine it’s very difficult but also very rewarding.

Go to court to sort out child maintenance x

S251 · 08/03/2024 18:41

Sorry to be blunt, but “Letting him be a father” you’re not letting him, you’re trying to force it on someone who clearly isn’t interested in being a dad to your child, so you can have a break (which I get as a single parent must be extremely tough) but why would you want your 7 month to go and stay with his “dad” who clearly isn’t bothered about him. I personally wouldn’t bother. The bit about not paying for stuff is horrible, but then the man sounds like an a**se!!!

S4uk · 08/03/2024 18:55

@LD233 I've been thinking of you/this today.
seriously he wants to use your depression against you in court? Thats a low ass blow. He doesn’t deserve a moment more of your thoughts
xx

contrary13 · 08/03/2024 20:08

S4uk · 08/03/2024 18:55

@LD233 I've been thinking of you/this today.
seriously he wants to use your depression against you in court? Thats a low ass blow. He doesn’t deserve a moment more of your thoughts
xx

Especially when he was, in all probability, a direct cause of the depression in the first place... I mean, threatening a pregnant/post-partum mother? Allowing his ex-then Ow-now partner again, to harass and/or threaten @LD233 the same way...??? It's easy to understand why the PND developed.

Emsbutterfly · 08/03/2024 22:09

Every situation / normal is different… me and my partner separated for about 10 months (then gave things another go) and during that time he never had our 2 kids overnight and saw them once maybe ever week-10 days was not really bothered at all! Also would only pay the bare minimum too. I actually think it’s easier to just get on with it by yourself and the less he wants to be involved the easier it will be for you long term x

ParrotParrot · 08/03/2024 22:48

Emsbutterfly · 08/03/2024 22:09

Every situation / normal is different… me and my partner separated for about 10 months (then gave things another go) and during that time he never had our 2 kids overnight and saw them once maybe ever week-10 days was not really bothered at all! Also would only pay the bare minimum too. I actually think it’s easier to just get on with it by yourself and the less he wants to be involved the easier it will be for you long term x

Just being nosey but if it was easier on your own and he never bothered with the kids then why did you give things another go? What prompted you to give things another go?

cherish123 · 08/03/2024 23:07

He sounds awful.