Corporate chit chat - tell me the worst twaddle

[Changingplace]

I’m soon to be leaving a very corporate role, one of the reasons I need to leave is the insufferable corporate nonsense people talk, I don’t mean industry specific jargon but actual claptrap, the final straw for me was a man announcing they’d need to ‘respray’ some staff 🤣😆

I assume he meant retrain, ffs why do people do this? Do they think it makes them sound clever? It really doesn’t 😂

Whats the silliest corporate twaddle you’ve had the misfortune of hearing?

I genuinely think it’s more prevalent in very corporate fields that are actually quite dull, so people feel like it makes them (and their jobs) sound more interesting… they are sadly wrong :(

No, ‘talking to’ slides is sadly a thing in places I’ve worked too.

Fo people not realise what utter idiots they sound?

Thought of another one: THE ASK.

ie, what's the ask, lets talk about the ask, the ask isn't clear (and so on)...

Today someone asked if the department has the ‘bench strength’ to succeed, give me strength 🤦‍♀️

Can’t wait to get out of this place, I can’t keep a straight face any longer 😆

A few more:

What does success look like?
Key takeaways
Cascade down (ie forward information to line reports/others)
Task finish is past due (ie you missed the deadline; used on email)
Share your rose, bud and thorn (https://www.mindfulschools.org/inspiration/mindful-reflection/)
The elephant in the room
They want champagne on a Coca Cola budget

I have heard and now noticed so many of these in the last week - and conscious of the language I am also using. To use the common language to blend in or not… that is the question.

This is a very interesting thread as I am guilty of using some of them. Thing is, I have also been trying to think of proper 'non jargon' ways of saying the same thing as some of the previous quotes.

Sometimes, the jargon actually works, cringe worthy as it is.

In non corporate environments people manage to communicate perfectly well though, it’s such a strange quirk that if you put a load of men in suits everyone starts speaking this way.

IKR? It's not only men in suits, the women do it too. Unfortunately, it seems to be the norm.

I'm not sure if it is comparable to use non corporate environments though. I've never been in the pub with a couple of friends and had to tell them to pass on a bunch of information to the team of 300 people. Cascade does actually work quite well for that I'm afraid.

As for 'talking to the slide' though 🤦‍♂️ PowerPoint is everything that is wrong with modern business. It has its use, don't get me wrong, but it is a tool tto support communication, not a thing to be 'talked to'.

I completely agree with this. I work in a very dull corporate field and it is rife with this sort of terminology. We also get sent 'uplifting' emails from head office a couple times a week, with titles such as "Inspiring each other, thriving together". They do my head in. Why can't top bosses accept that the vast majority of people in the company are working there to pay a mortgage and put food on the table. They do a good job but are not inspired by the company 'vision'.

I’m willing to bet it’s not a real job and if you apply for it you’ll be giving away your data to some shadowy scamming organisation.

Why does ‘open the kimono’ conjure up dodgy images involving raincoats?

We were trainees fresh out of university, so it was actually very useful advice and advice I've used when I've been training people; and it was very telling that she felt the need to say it, as we'd obviously slipped into the habit of using jargon without even noticing it because everyone around us was doing the same.

Judging by this thread it's not advice that's as widely applied as it could be.

I worked for a management consultancy once in HR and the amount of absolute bollockspeak was off the scale- most of them would have been absolutely useless in an actual business that wasn't just theoretical or already 'huge' and needed business analysts etc - it's why I never was that fussed about MBAs etc. appeared to be masters in bullshit

@Changingplace I 100% agree - it's very bill Bryson - potato marketing board etc. if anyone has read his books about a full conversation overheard on a train. It's the same with fancy job titles

Completely agree about PowerPoint, my current workplace are utterly obsessed with everything being a PowerPoint, even planning documents that would be so much better as an excel or a word document.

It’s utterly infuriating and means I spend an inordinate amount of time just formatting bloody slides.

Just wait, it will go out of favour and you won't be allowed to use it even when it's the perfect way to convey particular information😃

I've been hearing "I'm on leave next week so I've asked Helen on my team to hold the pen on this while I'm away" a lot lately. It must be a virus spreading around!