Corporate chit chat - tell me the worst twaddle

[Changingplace]

I’m soon to be leaving a very corporate role, one of the reasons I need to leave is the insufferable corporate nonsense people talk, I don’t mean industry specific jargon but actual claptrap, the final straw for me was a man announcing they’d need to ‘respray’ some staff 🤣😆

I assume he meant retrain, ffs why do people do this? Do they think it makes them sound clever? It really doesn’t 😂

Whats the silliest corporate twaddle you’ve had the misfortune of hearing?

I don't trust " pop", used to downplay something nasty: " pop into my office"; "I've popped you on duty"; "pop your feet up in the stirrups" but I feel physical revulsion when 'bob" is used in the same way.

I say this consistently- I may actually be the root of this… sorry about that..

This. I also hate the use of the word 'space' to describe a sector or area of work. 'In the digital marketing space'.

A colleague was once told by someone in marketing that they were working on a 'hierarchy of collateral'. It meant some brochures and leaflets.

Delighting our stakeholders/customers (etc).

@Spirael - I'm in IT but haven't heard WAGILE being used - only the mashup of 'hybrid' delivery has been talked about so far. Maybe this amazing new phrase will filter down to my part of the basement soon

Let's mobilise our knowledge.

Emphasis on leadership when so many staff at ordinary levels have left it's difficult to know exactly who's left TO lead by the ever burgeoning senior management class.

Thought leadership.

Here to listen. That's as maybe but do you ever actually DO anything with it or is it all just lip service so the next time the regulators come calling you'll get a pat on the head, a tick in the box, and whatever the politically correct version of Brownie points is now?

And that tremendous NHS idea, Freedom to Shut Up, sorry Speak Up. Which was, indeed, a great IDEA but has been executed so badly it's ended up being a parody of itself. Possibly known as STFU on occasion in our household....

Thought showers 😡

Wanking over graphs (that they don't fully understand) and clapping like seals when someone says "great, it's going up and to the right!" absolutely boils my piss. You can manipulate any data to go 'up and to the right' especially if you're in a room with over-promoted and over-ambitious morons 🙄

These types used to be visually identified by the carrying of Filofaxes.

Well the crocodile closest to my boat is...

The toothpaste is out of the tube.

In Scotland a "piece" is a sandwich. Could it be that?

The art of the possible

Gets me absolutely raging

i use this! But can I be let off as I use canoe? Adds more peril.

Lol at some of these. Some of the twaddle that colleagues put on linkedin cracks me. Some of them talk like they are brilliant but I work with them and know. The people that are good workers just post interesting things and don't big themselves up.

Nothing’s too blue sky

"They're my main on-tops".

It's a game changer ..... ummmm no it isn't!

Various awful ones from various awful jobs:

maximising departmental throughput
drilling down
capture low hanging fruit
bang for your buck

Check out Bob Mortimer's Train Guy: x.com/RealBobMortimer/status/1370403884246691841?s=20

I started a new corporate job this week...after a period in a totally different sector. I think I heard most of these in my first few days.
Had a lengthy one to one to get me inducted and to understand the goals of the team and my first task. Waffle. Pure waffle. After 90 mins I'm asking "so what do you actually want me to do?"
And then I'm thinking if I can do this, whatever it is, for the next year, I can learn the waffle and go waffle for more money as a consultant!
You see, I'm going places!

Disrupt as in disrupt the mortgage market although that seems to not be as popular now thank goodness. Although having said that a got a cv through last week one of the things he’d said was that he was a disruptor. No interview for you my friend.

Oh whenever I get a cv through where they say they are a thought leader it’s a very quick reject.

The sad thing is that I was reading this thinking what’s so odd about this, it’s just a normal job advert. I’m doomed!

People talking to documents gives me the rage.
Piece always makes me think of cod piece.

Being your authentic self. My authentic self is anywhere but here

Bring your whole self to work. This seems to involve telling people the sex you like to shag. I don’t need to know this.

Haha!!

"Restorative resolutions" = the kids said sorry to each other!

Gating issues and cold towel reviews
pulse meetings (?!)

I am definitely guilty of using some of the ones mentioned though.. I cringe every time I refer to a work stream as a “piece”

and very often my own brain just doesn’t have any bandwidth left…