Corporate chit chat - tell me the worst twaddle

[Changingplace]

I’m soon to be leaving a very corporate role, one of the reasons I need to leave is the insufferable corporate nonsense people talk, I don’t mean industry specific jargon but actual claptrap, the final straw for me was a man announcing they’d need to ‘respray’ some staff 🤣😆

I assume he meant retrain, ffs why do people do this? Do they think it makes them sound clever? It really doesn’t 😂

Whats the silliest corporate twaddle you’ve had the misfortune of hearing?

Calling an “all hands” meeting or “townhall”

Subject matter experts

“Talking to” a slide; I wonder if this is just in my company? For example, if someone is showing a set of PowerPoint slides, when they want to invite another person to go over the details on a particular slide they will say “Olivia, can you talk to this slide?”, or “Bob, I think you know the details about these issues, can you talk to the key points on his slide?”

This is weird. Is this in IT?

"Bring your whole self to work" - nope professional self is preferable

"We need to square the circle" - um maybe we should made a circle first altogether

"Reaching out" - were reaching out to IT on this one - automatically puts Sweet Carloline in my head

"We need to socialise that thought/idea" - extremely impressed with my new graduate who asked if this means we discuss it in a pub! Still not sure if he was serious or taking the piss but I loved him for it!

Our architect said a version of this when we were contemplating an extension: ‘You’ll want the coming in piece, and the dining piece and the cooking piece’. In fairness, when DH and I were visibly trying not to roll our eyes, he started laughing, and has become a friend, despite not us doing the extension yet.

I’m taking notes here. ‘The crocodile closest to my canoe’ is hilarious.

I also have a pet hate for organisational strategies. Several grand spent on consultants and three years to come up with a strategy that is the same as everyone else's, and is inexplicably broken down into: vision, purpose, core values, goals, aims, key drivers and KPIs.

Let's deal with "the nearest crocodile to the boat". Erm, or we could spend time working out how not to end up in a boat surrounded by crocodiles?

Stakeholders
Partnership agencies
Customer journey

That's either lousy interview technique generally or a bad interviewer. Years ago, waaaaay back in the last century, my first job was in the Civil Service. One of the few useful things I learned was when my manager told us trainees not to use jargon when speaking or writing to the public - because we knew what it meant and they didn't. Clear, straightforward English only to get our point over. I have always remembered that bit of advice and used it. Thanks, Barbara.

Lean in

Are you on the bus?

It possibly started in IT and has insidiously crept into non-IT project work.

let's stand that down = cancel the meeting

we need to be agile = we are not at all organised and it's going tits up as we flounder around achieving nothing as we do t stick to anything long enough to see it through

let's full circle that = honestly no clue

bring your whole authentic self to work =

😆😆😆 I need to remember that

Years ago (when I had a proper job ) , 'tip of the iceberg ' was the buzz word.
What went on underneath was open to interpretation of course

It would be so very tempting to chip in with ‘and may peace be with you’ at some point in that conversation 😂

The shift that comes out that 'staff are out most valuable asset'

Really ???

Yes !

Our organisation has just spent a fortune on consultants re culture of the organisation.

Nothing mind boggling came out of that they wouldn't have heard if SLT actually spoke with staff and knew what they did day to day.

• shit that come out

Being told that we need to "open our kimono"

I joined the civil service a couple of years ago after many years in the private sector in a very old fashioned company. I listen to my seniors throwing these comments about and it literally is mind boggling as it takes longer to say half these phrases than their intended meaning. Some of my favourites have been:

Your the conductor of the orchestra Jim
Rearranging the deckchairs on the titanic (always think this is in poor taste)
Crocodile closest to the canoe
Flying the plane whilst building it
Stealing your sandwiches
Low hanging fruit
Reach out
Lean in
Worry beads - this was a favourite of one of my seniors and she'd ask the team weekly what our worry beads were
Other side of the house
Making everything high level ie no one cares about the important detail

The best phrase was a senior who was literally clueless when tasked with a piece of work so when you asked her to explain what needed doing, she just used to tell you that it had to be strategic. She also used strategic to talk in meetings when she didn't know what to say or didn't understand

'We need to bring more sex into the lobby' - from the manager of a hotel

Back in the 90s I worked with a bunch of upthemselves idiots who loved nothing more than boring meetings where they could grandstand for bloody hours.

We (the long suffering others) used to play wank word bingo to pass the time. Back then, it would be words like “dovetail”. Every time a wank word came up you’d mentally cross it off until you had a full house. Raising an eyebrow at your buddy across the table.

I do not miss those days. Lost hours of my life listening to that shit.

I hear that exjob (which I quitted without regret three years ago) has gone more 'corporate.' I can just imagine the wankspeak that gets bandied about.

My company does this too. I can't bring myself to say it, it sounds so silly! 'Cadence' is another word they wildly overuse.

What is a cold towel review? I googled and could only find literal results - 'the best cooling towels of 2024 - reviews' etc.

Not sure it comes under this thread, but the one I dislike is 'let's give it a couple of minutes'. When I host a meeting be it face to face or virtual (I do at least one each work day), it begins on time. As everyone knows I do this, they turn up 99% of the time on time or a couple of minutes early.