Corporate chit chat - tell me the worst twaddle

[Changingplace]

I’m soon to be leaving a very corporate role, one of the reasons I need to leave is the insufferable corporate nonsense people talk, I don’t mean industry specific jargon but actual claptrap, the final straw for me was a man announcing they’d need to ‘respray’ some staff 🤣😆

I assume he meant retrain, ffs why do people do this? Do they think it makes them sound clever? It really doesn’t 😂

Whats the silliest corporate twaddle you’ve had the misfortune of hearing?

Picking chicken off the bones. Urgh.

Great to e-meet you. Fuck off.

Lets have a virtual coffee. Puke.

We need to focus on the big picture, so can we take this one offline please and then circle back to the team?

I work in the IT industry as an AGILE consultant.

I am used to it now but when I first became exposed to Agile I was like what the fuck is everyone saying;

scrum master
ceremonies
grooming the backlog
retrospectives
time boxes
servant leadership
meeting cadence
velocity
sprints
burn down

The list goes on! I am a firm believer in AGILE, but to anyone on the outside they would be very amused by our day to day language 🤣

I used to have a manager who was part of the SLT team. They were a really competitive bunch of useless arseholes who Where individually rubbish at managing their own departments but enjoyed pulling other departments down. A really toxic bunch. We were quite a small organisation and the actual team members across the departments got on well. A bullshit bingo started between myself and a colleague in another department and quickly spread to other team members it was fab. One of us would start using one of these shitty terms in team meetings ( triangulate, deep dive, the usual nonsense) and see how long it would take for our SLT member to pick it up and use it in SLT meeting to then be picked up by other SLT and be used in there steam meetings. It’s was so childish but amusing.
eventually we got a new CEO and she saw through the whole SLT and they all disappeared within 6 months. Was fun while it lasted.

Not strictly corporate chit chat, but I mention it as I've only seen it in a workplace setting and that's people who sign off a shitty email with "Happy to discuss" It's passive aggressive code for don't ever bother me on this subject again.

Link please 😂

Omg what does this even mean? Lol

Another one I really hate, esp in relation to university applications, is "passion".

For me, passion is something you do in the bedroom.

"I've always had a passion for physics" - whatever floats your boat lol!

...see what I did

Amazing. Thoughtopsy 🤣

I might start using “Pringle that over to me” 🤣🤣🤣

I recently heard "I'll have to get back to you when I've done some diary-dancing" and I thought what a pretentious twat!

This made me howl!!

I left the corporate world six years ago but still say "we need to manage expectations" quite regularly, to cover every instance of something turning out to be not nearly as nice as it seemed.

We had something similar at our place

A lad died (not mental health-he had a fit and died)

He was meant to show at 4pm,didn't so the boss went round to check he was OK (at about 4:30) and found him dead in his flat

At 5 the boss put it on our fb-'x has died,very sad,let's not dwell on this,he wouldnt want us to-oh and can someone cover his shift?we're short staffed now'

He'd been dead 2 hours at this point

They got funny about people wanting to attend his funeral-only about 3 people who where close to him where 'allowed' to go,the rest where made to work that afternoon

Utter twats

I've heard "Stealing your sandwiches" at least 5 times this week, it's contagious.

the irritating thing is that on each occasion, they say "I won't steal your sandwiches" and then go on to do just that. I think they believe it makes them sound cleverrrrrr.

I was told the other week that I need to be 'obsessed' with a task I was working on. I'm not obsessed with anything work related mate, and I'm only here because I still have a mortgage 🙄. My face gave me away on Teams as my work bestie messaged me 'your face 😂' whilst on the call.

My DH works in a corporate job and instead of having teams of staff they have pillars?!

In my last place of work, my boss constantly told me we needed to:

'put it on the back burner for now'

'kick it into the long grass'

'kick the can down the road'

Also in our NHS management team speel:

Touch base.

Close of play.

Let's link in with...

One tosser in the past used to say: "I'll escalate this" to bloody everything.

One person who has ended up as an ASSistant management (I said what I said) who pronounces think with an F, addresses everyone in emails with hey guys. It makes me want to stab them in the eye. They are already a twat in the highest chavvy form I could ever meet.

And no I'm not nasty, this horrible person and I used to be friends until I found out they were a snake in human clothing. 😵‍💫

"We like to grow our own"
Company talking about training existing staff up for more senior roles.

Makes it sound like a vegetable plot.

We have pillars and silos

That reminds me of “We need to grow the business”

Edited to add another one: “We’ve got to land this message”

The fucking 'piece' piece. Used to drive me insane before I ran away.

WTAF

I used to work at a place where they had a “harvest” every morning. It basically meant you had to tell the boss what stuff you had on that day and s/he would then give you more stuff to do as well. Don’t really know what’s harvest-like about that but hey ho.

And they had lots of hubs too. Which were basically people sitting together doing the same job.

whenever I get a cv through where they say they are a thought leader it’s a very quick reject.

It’s a useful shorthand to know who not to employ isn’t it? I worked with someone whose LinkedIn and social media is full of descriptions of himself as a thought leader. In reality he’s spent his career spouting bullshit, suggesting unrealistic projects, and doing no tangible work. Then after about a year when everyone’s in no doubt about his lack of abilities he moves on to a new organisation to do the same there.