How soon did you drive on the motorway with children?

[Merrow]

DP has recently passed their driving test and started driving the motorway route to work this week. We've a holiday booked for 2 weeks from now that driving would make easier, but is doable by train. It's pretty much a motorway journey door to door.

I'm not a driver and I find the concept of driving terrifying. Especially on a motorway, where if something goes wrong then the likelihood of someone dying is much higher. I have an issue with my visual processing which means I really struggle to work out movement (I can't really judge when it's safe to cross roads), so basically all road skills seem alarmingly impossible to me. I also am undergoing treatment for PTSD relating to DS2's prolonged stay in NICU, and have a lot of intrusive thoughts about him dying. All of which combined means that basically my ability to risk assess in this scenario is zilch.

How long were you driving before you felt comfortable taking children with you on the motorway? Particularly if you learned driving later (DP is 38). The DC are 5 and 1. DP feels more confident with every drive, but does acknowledge that motorways are frightening and is happy to take the train as this holiday is supposed to be a celebration of a year since DS2 was discharged from hospital, and me stressing about the drive is not really in keeping with the spirit.

Motorways are the safest type of driving and it's a good idea for him to start driving on them ASAP to build up confidence, not build up the idea of motorways as this uniquely dangerous and frightening thing - nervousness will just cause more problems, whereas confidence helps.

Make sure they have the right car seats for their age/weight/etc and they are fitted correctly. Rear facing is good if you are especially worried about safety.

Remember that in order for a crash to happen, your DP has to do something wrong, the other driver has to coincidentally be in the wrong place for this to be an issue (or vice versa) and neither of them see each other in time to take evasive action. This is quite rare because roads are actually designed with accident prevention in mind. Also, modern cars are very good at protecting the occupants. There are a lot more near misses than actual crashes. Obviously it's best not to do anything wrong, but don't be worried that a tiny mistake will cause an instant disaster, because most of the time that is very unlikely.

Also yes as others have said consider a pass plus/advanced driving course.

Motorway driving is way way way easier than urban driving. You have much greater visibility of potential hazards and, as a general rule, drivers on motorways tend to be more alert than those driving close to home. Anyone who is not capable of driving on a motorway, with or without kids, should surrender their driving licence immediately.

The day I passed my test I spent about 3 hours driving up and down the motorway into the evening. Motorway driving is not scary, its a big wide straight road. Much preferred to one track unlit barely used winding roads.

I passed my test late, at 35 and then moved to a different country only two weeks later. I drove on their motorways with my kids straight away (had to because of where we lived). Their motorways were different though, quieter and only really dual carriageways for the most part. The standard of driving there was rubbish though - I once saw someone reverse back down a motorway entrance ramp towards me and I had to swerve around them. They regularly parked cars on roundabouts, overtook into oncoming traffic, accidents were common.

i find UK motorways now manageable - but they are busy and I find them tiring- I regularly do a 120ish trip by motorway and I’m shattered by the end of it, even taking breaks.

i have to admit, if I were your DP I wouldn’t do it, partly because of the stress and partly because I would want to build up my experience a bit more first.

my driving instructor always said that you really start to learn to drive after you pass your test - once you’re having to make decisions for yourself and assess situations for yourself, it’s a skill and it took me a good 6 months to feel fully confident behind the wheel. I try to remember that every time I hear someone newly qualified having wobbles - once you are a confident driver you forget those first few months trying to negotiate all the new hazards!!

I passed in 2013 when my daughter was nearly
5, I had no reason to go on a motorway so didn’t..
like you I thought they were scary.. but then 2015 I had to start using motorway and took her with me first time as I was single parent so had no choice really..
now I do motorway atleast once a week and always have atleast one child with me in the car

Where I live there aren't many proper motorways, but I used duel carriageways straight away. First motorway driving was a holiday about a month later. It wasn't an issue at all, and by the time I'd driven 4 hours there and back, I felt fine.

I think it's one of those thing where the longer you hold it off, the bigger thing it becomes.

I drove on a motorway the day I passed my test aged 17, but didn’t have children then! There’s a motorway through the middle of my home city so I was really used to being on it as a passenger every day of my life. You are projecting your fears onto him, which is only natural. If he is confident then I wouldn’t worry. Motorway driving is easy as long as you know the rules, keep to near the speed limit (too slow is dangerous too) and don’t sit in the wrong lane! The other posters are correct - country roads are much worse. Sometimes in life you just have to get on with it.

You do not drive and have no intention of driving, find the whole thing "terrifying". Yet you feel particularly qualified to dictate to your partner, who does drive and has passed his test how he should drive. He is currently getting motorway experience.

You need to deal with your issues and anxiety rather than project that onto your DH.

the actual motorway driving will be fine - however are your children calm in the car? Driving is always more stressful with screaming smalls.

your DH could get a driving instructor to go out with him for some motorway experience- they used to do a “pass plus” lesson for this

also you could agree with DH to stick in the left lane and not overtake if you felt safer?

I passed my test in my very early 30s, and 1 week after I passed I was driving on the motorway with kids in the car. It was also my first time on the motorway altogether. Its why I learnt to drive, to take them places, but I did do a short 30 minute journey as my first one rather than 4 or 5 hours.

My mum passed her test when I was doing my GCSEs. I had a morning exam, she took her test at the same time, picked me up from school and then drove 2 .5 hours to my grandparents for half-term holidays.

Motorways are fine. Straight lines, minimal turning on and off, no pedestrians. go for it!

where I live you can’t get anywhere without going on a 70 limit dual carriages (not technically a motorway) so I got used to it very quickly at 17 and didn’t have babies until I was 35 so I suppose it really wasn’t a big deal to me at all
I honestly think motorways are safer. It’s driving round cities especially across unfamiliar intersections and roundabouts that I think is terrifying. On a motorway, Fine to pootle along at 60mph in the slow lane.

Motorways are a lot safer than an A road.

Maybe your DP should take a few short motorway trips on his own before this holiday, to build up confidence and alay your fears.

DH started driving at 39 and I hate driving so similar situation than you!
We didn’t wait per se but did it gradually: 30min motorway, then 1h etc.

Btw for UK self catering type holidays, going in your own car and being able to use it when away is so much easier assuming it’s not too long a journey

if he’s really worried you can ask instructors to specifically take you out on a motorway for an hour or two’s lesson.
but as he’s clearly very new to driving I think it’s fine also just to take the train and let him ease into driving.

My parents didn't drive when I was very young as we lived in London, when we moved a bit further out but still east London, when I was about 5 , DB 3, my dad took his test and we got in the day he bought his first car about a week later, he came home with it and took us all out for a drive.
Motorways are much easier than driving around London. (I learned in East London and drove in both scenarios regularly)

I think the factor that might be tricky for an inexperienced driver is how settled or not the 1yo is in the car. I think a lot of posters have been quite dismissive but actually a longer journey with a screaming kid and inexperienced driver is not an ideal combination. It would be ideal if your husband could build confidence up first and do a couple of runs without the family and think quite carefully about breaks/timing the journey with nap times for the youngest. I myself know there are certain points when I’m driving I just need my children to be quiet and will ask them to stop talking.

I wouldn’t be worried about him driving with the 5yo but I remember having some awful journeys with mine when they were babies/toddlers where they’d scream a lot or be sick which can be quite distracting and hard going. We’d always try and time journeys with nap times and hope for a period of quiet driving.

I had a motorway lesson with my instructor. If your DP’s offers that then it could be worth a try just for everyone’s peace of mind.

However, I was driving about 10 years before having my kids. But my now ex learned to drive once we had our eldest. He passed his test in time for driving me to the hospital in labour as we needed my mum, who took us first time, to look after eldest child. He did share a drive with me on the motorway from the NE down to Hampshire pretty soon after passing his test. I was particularly nervous as a passenger and to be honest always preferred to drive anyway.

From the hospital if a person can't drive they can't drive so if they can they can

Of all the things parents panic over this is a new one I think

I'm learning to drive ATM op so haven't been on a motorway but I have driven at 70mph on big a roads and they are so much less stressful to me than windy country roads with cars going in the opposite direction very close to me and narrow roads with loads of pot holes etc
He will be ok
As for knowing when to change lanes he would have been taught how to lane change safely and the same applies

What, like the driving to work on the motorway (and presumably home as well) that the OP mentions in the very first sentence of her very first post?

I have been driving over 40 years and have always driven on motorways but I do see that they can be fast and daunting for an inexperienced driver.

I think the time of day you are travelling will make a difference to your experience, pre plan where you are going to stop, look at the map for easily accessible towns or villages rather than service stations so you can all get out of the car and have a stroll around.
It also depends on which motorway(s) you will be on. For instance I don’t like the M62 at any time and always avoid it but regularly use the M6 and other than there always seems to be roadworks don’t have any issues and quite like the drive.

Why don't you get him to have a lesson specifically on a motorway before your hols?

When it comes to building his confidence on the motorway, you'll find it comes in little bits throughout the drive.

I was certain on my first drive that I'd glue myself to the inside lane and stay there. Then some huge gaps came up and some very slow lorries, and I just decided to go for it. Then I decided to chill for a while... Etc

It's not the case that you feel confident straight away for the whole journey, and there are some cities and motorway junctions I still hate (looking at you, Bristol). But a lack of confidence means that you aren't OVERCONFIDENT. And overconfidence is when accidents happen.