How soon did you drive on the motorway with children?

[Merrow]

DP has recently passed their driving test and started driving the motorway route to work this week. We've a holiday booked for 2 weeks from now that driving would make easier, but is doable by train. It's pretty much a motorway journey door to door.

I'm not a driver and I find the concept of driving terrifying. Especially on a motorway, where if something goes wrong then the likelihood of someone dying is much higher. I have an issue with my visual processing which means I really struggle to work out movement (I can't really judge when it's safe to cross roads), so basically all road skills seem alarmingly impossible to me. I also am undergoing treatment for PTSD relating to DS2's prolonged stay in NICU, and have a lot of intrusive thoughts about him dying. All of which combined means that basically my ability to risk assess in this scenario is zilch.

How long were you driving before you felt comfortable taking children with you on the motorway? Particularly if you learned driving later (DP is 38). The DC are 5 and 1. DP feels more confident with every drive, but does acknowledge that motorways are frightening and is happy to take the train as this holiday is supposed to be a celebration of a year since DS2 was discharged from hospital, and me stressing about the drive is not really in keeping with the spirit.

I accept it's a niche question, but it is reassuring to hear that drivers don't find motorways intrinsically terrifying. I thought there might be a learning curve before you felt blasé on them. For me it's how you could possibly know when it's safe to change lanes - but I accept that's probably because of my own specific issues with spacial awareness!

I might see how DP feels after another week of driving - the learning curve does seem to be dramatic. Two weeks ago a trip to our local Aldi was considered harrowing!

Seriously concerned that both you and your DP can't adequately drive, yet you've chosen to have a child. Take the train.

Do you mean how long after passing your test?

I drive 4 hours on the motorway for our holiday 10 days after passing. We had our 18 month old with us.

Ummm, I think being able to drive is fab if you can, but I don't think the ability to drive makes you a better parent. Bit of an odd comment!

So people who don’t drive shouldn’t have children?
Why?

I think you might find what’s hardest for him is you being very anxious. (My mum is an anxious passenger and it is harder to drive with her next to me). You can support him by pretending to be as calm and confident as possible. Distract yourself and if you can keep the children calm.

I know many who pass and hit the motorway and it's worked in their favours as the experience & confidence only grows. You should let him drive whilst you sit at the back and pay no attention to the roads, just keep yourself distracted with your kids or read a book to occupy yourself. The quicker he does motorway driving the better..I know most who leave it they struggle (like me) his passed his test he will be fine...it's you with the anxiety not him, trust him and go.

6th time's the charm. I bet that was a relief to hear you'd passed!

I managed to fail the theory test when I'd already passed it once, unfortunately they lapse. The instructor laughed at me 😅

OP the fact you are posting about it...

Take the train this time
Xx

Why on earth are you concerned? We used to live in London so driving wasn't essential, we now live in a city where driving would be a nice perk so DP learned how to drive and passed the test a few weeks ago. DS1 has managed to have a successful 5 years of life without a parent who could drive, but was admittedly delighted to be taken to the car wash, so maybe he did feel he's missed out. I completely agree I would be an inadequate driver, and will stick to using public transport!

I only learned to drive between first and second child. Never occurred to me to be more nervous driving with them on a motorway, I just drove as soon as I needed to drive on a motorway really. It's in many ways easier than driving on urban roads, just quite tiring when it's long.

Such an odd thing to be concerned about

Thanks everyone, I posted as I wasn't sure if it was a rational or irrational fear. Sounds like irrational, so I'll leave it up to DP to decide and if we do drive I'll stay in the back and keep the baby happy!

I would say I’m quite a confident driver now, but certainly wasn’t when I first passed 38 years ago! However, even then I always preferred motorway driving to unfamiliar A roads. On a motorway, you’re not having to contend with:
-Impatient drivers who know the road really well tailgating you.
-Navigating numerous roundabouts.
-Cyclists and pedestrians.
-Road signs covered by vegetation.

You can go as fast or as slow as you like (within reasonable parameters!) and if you don’t feel confident overtaking, you don’t have to. Road signs are large, easy to follow and repeated several times well in advance. All in all, it’s a really comfortable driving experience.

As with any driving anywhere, you have to watch out for occasional stupid behaviour, like drivers zig-zagging between lanes or driving at 100+ mph, but on the whole, it’s not been a worrying experience for me, so try and relax, op!

Would there be time for your dh to book a motorway lesson with his instructor, which might give him confidence?

A month and a bit after passing my test, I drove on the motorway for the first time ever. I had both of my children in the car with me, no other adult, and drove for five hours from Surrey to the Lake District.
As soon as we arrived I had to have a nap, but the motorway wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined it was going to be.
The worst part was my absolute lack of directional skills that meant I only just avoided driving through Birmingham instead of around it! 😬

Try to apply some rational perspective, OP. The reality is that motorways are by far the safest roads. This is because all the traffic is moving in the same direction at approximately the same speed, visibility is good, the roads are well lit & well maintained, there are no roundabouts, sharp bends, blind crests or crossroads, speeds are moderate (70 mph isn’t fast in a powerful modern car), and those cars are very safe.

I have driven hundreds of thousands of miles on motorways in the U.K, the US, multiple European countries etc etc without incident and I feel perfectly safe doing so.

Straight away...

Try not to project your fear of driving on to him. Remember that for most people it is a totally normal and everyday part of life. I think nothing of hopping on the motorway to pop to ikea for bits and bobs. It's just not normal for you is all - don't make it harder for him.

Well I passed my test when I was 17 (the amount of years since I’m unwilling to count haha) and the motorway is actually one of the easiest and safest roads, he can just stay in the slow lane and take his time, unlike other roads others the motorway means others can easily pass him so no one sitting up hims ass which reduces pressure on him and risks other drivers take to pass x

My DP passed his test at 17 so when my DS was born decades later, driving on the motorways was never a problem! Although loooong due to the breaks etc.
I've only been driving properly for nearly 3 years and was very nervous about my first few motorway drives but it definitely gets easier. Although slightly older kids in back are much more demanding! And motorways are actually preferable to the small, windy pot holed roads of East Sussex where everyone drives too fast!

As others have said, motorways are pretty safe. I have anxiety. When I'm risk assessing a drive, I think about both the distance and how long it's going to take. I make sure I have Google maps linked to my car. I check potential places to stop en route, with contingency plans if my journey's significantly delayed. I make sure I have drinks and snacks available in the car, plus some podcasts to listen to. I always set off with a plan, but also a willingness to change my plan - e.g. take an earlier or longer stop if I'm fatigued.

Lots of breaks and coffees, quiet kids (screens with headphones) will help him concentrate. Stick mostly to the slow lane

Why not encourage your DP to have some lessons in motorway driving (Passplus) before you go away. It will allow them to decide whether they are confident to drive and help your anxiety.
And yes, like many PPs have said , motorway driving is less hazardous than on other types of roads. The highest death rates are on country lanes which often have a 60 limit even on single tracks. There are also more hazards which if you hit them at speed will cause major injuries, trees. Motorways are very straight with great visibility and run off areas. In addition everyone is going in the same direction. However, traveling on a motorway in the rain is more of a challenge with water spray from lorries. You don’t have to travel in the outside lane at 70 miles an hour though, you drive to the conditions.

The first time I drove on the motorway I had my children in the car and I'd been driving for about 3 months.
The thought of doing it was much scarier than actually doing it.

Especially on a motorway, where if something goes wrong then the likelihood of someone dying is much higher.

No, it really isn't.
If that is what is worrying you, then go look up some statistics.
Country lanes are far more likely to leave car users dead or seriously injured than motorways are. On motorways, everyone is traveling in the same direction so the impact of a collision is usually less than on other roads.

However, driving for a longer distance, with a very stressed wife and excited child probably isn't the best way to start driving on motorways or even longer / busier A roads, so it might make sense for you to get the train this time, and for your dh to get more practice in. Particularly if he was stressed on a trip to your local supermarket recently, it doesn't sound like he is the most confident as yet.

To answer your question, I didn't have dc1 until 14 years after I'd passed my test, so going on the motorway after having dc1 wasn't an event that stuck in my mind.

I also think it depends how much practice you've had on roads with slip roads to join and lane discipline before you go on your first motorway. where I live, they were part of normal driving lessons for my dc.