Sentences I didn't think I'd say as a parent...

[AwBlessm]

'Oh, this dog is breastfeeding from the Grinch!'

(I hate role-play games...)

“Because I said so…”

Hated hearing this as a child and vowed I would never utter those words as a parent, yet here I am!

Age 1: (TV dinner) "Please stop rubbing broccoli on the TV!"
Age 13: (at parents evening) "Yes, er, um, apologies for all the hooting in class" (new trick of accurately mimicking a good number of bird calls)

The REAL question is, 'Why can't the dog have nice things?"

Why are you eating your sandwich on the toilet while doing a bloody poo???

Don't lick your bother's nose.

Don't lick the car.

The cushion's had its breakfst.

My DS(14) will look at me sometimes and say "that's one of those things you didn't think you'd have to say, isn't it mum?" 😂

For those who insist on clothing at the dining table, you need this line from Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children: "Polite persons do not take their supper in the nude." This is said to the invisible child Millard.

When I was a child, my parents had some great one-liners: this thread has reminded me of some of them.

1. You'll get your feet burnt off, like Pinocchio.
2. Your trainers will walk away without you.
3. There's a troll down there in a little boat, which might climb up, lift off the lid, and eat you up.
4. I'll put ribbons in your hair. (This was said to my brother.)
5. Are you all blacked out?
6. Don't do it again, or it will have to stay in there for always and always and always.
7. Or you'll find yourself in the punishment cell.

See below for why each of these was said:

1. Holding my bare feet too close to the fire.
2. A stock threat for when I wore them without socks.
3. During a childish fascination with manhole covers, under which rushing water could be heard.
4. My brother kept playing with and tangling his hair: this was a threat which was never carried out.
5. To check I couldn't see when playing pin the tail.
6. When my dad went to a lot of trouble to rescue a toy I had pushed into a small hole.
7. After we had seen it on the HMS Belfast warship in London.

‘Bye bye poo.’

It was in a cheerful sing-songy voice too, wasn't it?

How did you know?!🫣

😁

When my two were fighting:
"Remember, the last one has to clean up all the blood splatter on the ceiling!"

(It's their perplexed faces -when younger- that I really loved 🤣)

I hope there are a few more out there. These are hilarious. (That's me talking. Not a parenting quote.😁)

No I didn't bring any make up to our chiropodist appointment

🤔

Child is seven.

If you want to, go for it. You can always earn more.

if you don't put it back she will staple your tongue to the ceiling

Please stop doing cpr to a snail it's disgusting 🤢

“Your finger snails do not need to eat the roses, DD2. Leave them alone.” (Fingernails obvs…)

“I am not feeding you dirt, DS1. It’s SOY sauce, not SOIL sauce, I promise!”

“Goodnight Baby Tiger, Puppy, Panda, Baby Panda, Kitten, Catty, Giraffey (she was very imaginative with names…) Teddy, Beary and Pearl (white teddy…) Snailey and Shelley (Mrs Snail), Goodnight DD1.”

”There are no monsters under your bed or in the cupboard, Darling. I know, because I used Monster Spray when I was cleaning today.”

”Goodnight Princess Buzz Lightyear…”

Stop Dancing!

"We don't lick other people" small white lie there

@Fraaahnces Soil sauce? I love it!

To the baby - please don’t put pancake on your head 😵‍💫

To my middle teen daughter.

"You absolutely will not change your older brothers name on his school books to Minge."

😅😅😅

In the supermarket;

we do NOT sit in the carrots

‘Stop flapping your ham about’

(Not a euphemism- it was actually ham)