If you are a second wife, do you expect to inherit everything from your husband?

[rickyrickygrimes]

… or do you expect him to leave something to his children from a previous marriage?

This subject comes up often on here: man is widowed, inherits everything from his wife, remarries, then dies - leaving everything to his second wife and his children inherit nothing.

this happened quite recently to a friend of mine, which not only did not inherit but also lost his livelihood as he was employed in his fathers business, which his second wife chose to sell as she wasn’t interested in running it.

I’m in France where (as I understand it) children cannot be completely disinherited from a will i.e. part of the estate is always reserved for children and the spouse does not inherit everything. This leads to some very complicated situations but does mean that all children will inherit something from their parents, no matter what the relationship between the parents / children is like.

we often hear from the children on here but not often the pov of the second wife. So I’m interested to know what you think? Do you expect to inherit everything from your husband (which is pretty standard between married couples in the UK)? Or would you expect his children from previous relationships to be included / recognised in his will - especially if he has previously inherited from their mother?

But what do people expect second wives to do… sell their home and live in poverty to hand over money to their husband’s children? This isn’t the case when a partner in a first marriage dies is it? No one expects their grieving DM/DF to sell up/ empty savings so they can “inherit” their dead parent’s half of the estate. It’s absolutely no different- marriage gives the legal expectation that the surviving spouse inherits and if people don’t like that then they don’t have to get married.
My DH didn’t have much in the way of assets when we married, so the vast majority of our estate is joint and paid into equally but it’s not so large that I could hand over half of it and still live even close to comfortably myself. No I’m not willing to live in poverty so his adult kids can have their “inheritance” 😂 and I don’t think it’s very reasonable of anyone to suggest it.

As a second wife we have made sure everything is fair between our children. No joint though.
As a step child my dad has left everything (wealthy to my step mum who will apparently leave it to us and not her children!
Known her for 20 years and she hates my dad's previous children!

This is why wills are important. Friend of mines mum died last year and she left everything to her second husband. He's moved on very quickly and is now engaged to another person, so my friend and her brother are reliant upon him leaving them something on behalf of their mum in his will. It's a situation they had never anticipated and ultimately isn't the worst thing as their mum has died but it has caused some rifts in the relationship with SD. I'm in the process of changing my will so that I have some clear intentions in there about part of my estate going to my children in case I predeceased my DH.

I don't think its about anyone being grabby. I just think that family money should stay in family lines, but that everyone should be treated fairly. If for example my grandmother left everything to my mother, then my mother dies leaving both her estate and my gp estate to my father, then my father remarries, is it fair that a new wife inherits everything that my grandparents and mother worked for? She should inherit something of course, but not what my mother inherited or worked for. This is why good wills are so important.

Like @Jellycatspyjamas everything I have as a single mum, is left to my ds.

I can't see myself ever having another serious relationship but if I did, I would leave a small amount to my partner, and the house and all other monies to my child. I'll never marry.

I would expect any man my age to have managed his own money appropriately by our age whereas my child is just starting out.

I've dated two men, each for a very short period. I dumped them when it became clear each was looked forward with enthusiasm to living in my house.

I’m 42 with 1 child and mortgage free. There is no way I worked this hard to give my money to some feckless man that turns up asset-less or penniless. If I met a man with nothing the only choice would be to begin to rebuild and he could have the amount he amassed during this time. I’d make it really clear: you came with nothing, so you’re obviously happy to live this way, so you will again when I die unless you have built up enough wealth before then. I’d make it really clear that my house is an asset for my child and will be getting sold for him when I die, regardless if that’s 50 years or 5 years. If someone has made it to 40/50 without any money or assets,how would it suddenly be cruel to take them back off then when the time comes?
Take it or leave it would be my opinion.

My Dads given most of his money away to his new wife and has even added her children (not his) to his will, despite the fact she has never worked a day since she met him and came with nothing. Very generous of him I suppose but it’s a hard no from me in what I believe is the right thing to do.

there is so much variance of circumstances. I have been with DH for nearly 20 years and when we got together he moved into my house with nothing but his debts. The reason his children will have an inheritance is down to me. I have no children and I am younger than DH so everything we have worked for is our retirement plan. As it stands DH wants me to have everything (he doesn’t have a will) and trusts me to see his children right. They are adults now with children of their own, and will likely do well out of inheritance because I will make sure they do. My plan currently is to give my insurances and death benefits to my niece if I go before DH and he gets everything else otherwise everything will split 1/3 to stepchildren and niece.

Honestly, I wouldn’t leave a penny of my money to a new partner, unless a was very rich and could spare it. This wouldn’t happen to me anyway as I’d be turned off by a man that needed or wanted my money and couldn’t provide for himself.

@Gensola. I would expect the 2nd wife/husband to ensure that their late partners children gets an equal share in their will. ( this could mean they get a part of the 50% their parent left or a full part off the estate. This I feel the 2nd partner can decide)

Where I think it goes wrong is when the 2nd wife/husband cuts out their stepchildren and leaves all to their family/children.

Thankfully my stepdad has made his provision.

Everything is going to my Dad's 2nd wife & they have made mirror wills. She has no children but brothers, nieces & nephews. The idea is that at some point I receive 50% & her family receive 50%.

She is already the housekeeper, cook & cleaner & has always been in their relationship/marriage.
My father is a very difficult man & has a problem with alcohol.
She has had a lifestyle & retirement she wouldn't have without him but I see it as a gilded cage.
She's promised him that he won't go into a care home with all that entails.

Dad feels he has done the right thing by me & his 2nd wife. I certainly would not like to be living her life & don't begrudge her any inheritance!
My mother was wary of him remarrying so I was the sole beneficiary of her estate.

Interesting to read that about France. It wasnt SIL’s experience.

Her parents divorced when she was little (only child) and her DF moved to France. He never had any further children, but lived with a series of short term girlfriends. He always said that his house and savings would go to SIL. They had a good relationship, and she visited him often.

A couple of years before he died, he suddenly married. The woman was a young refugee who also had a family in another country. His death was sudden and unexpected, although his health wasn’t great (in his seventies, so he wasn’t particularly young).

It turned out her DDad had made a new will, leaving everything to the new wife. The woman wouldn’t even give SIL any mementoes from among his stuff - she sold the lot. All SIL was able to do was go and rescue her DDad’s beloved, aging cat, which new wife had turfed out of the house and hadn’t even fed. As soon as the house was sold, new wife disappeared.

SIL found the whole thing utterly distressing. The sudden marriage and will change were so out of character for her Dad, who had always doted on her and had never taken any of his romantic relationships seriously. She was left wondering if he’d been coerced, or had genuinely just had his head turned by this young woman forty odd years his junior.

Why should the new wife inherit money though? Why can she not end up with the money she came with plus the money she earned whilst in the new marriage? Why should she take from the pot that was earned with the original family??

Insist?

That's pretty entitled.

I can understand the feeling that it's unfair for the second wife to inherit everything, but equally, I don't think anyone should feel entitled to inherit anything.

My parents can do what they want with their money. Ideally, I would like them to enjoy as much of it as they can during their lifetime. Beyond that, if it isn't all spent on care costs, I would obviously hope that they might want to leave me something, and I would probably be a bit hurt if they chose not to. But ultimately it's their money. The idea that I would insist on what they do with it is preposterous.

@Enko yes I agree 😊 my DH children will get 50% of our estate when I die, I’d never disinherit them. We don’t have children of our own so they may well get my half too.

After a second marriage, especially a long one, there is no such thing as 'the pot that was earned with the original family'. Whatever both parties brought has been amalgamated, added to, and spent from. It's impossible to say what came from where.

Good question! We need to write our wills, so will be discussing. I expect there will be parity between all: 2 DCs from 1st marriage & our 4DCs.

I think morally it should be split between all children from all marriages. In Scotland you cannot just disinherit your children anyway as they can dispute it and are entitled

I don’t think that’s true. I could meet someone now and stay married to them for 50 years (I’m 42) but the percentage of everything I have now will always still be ring fenced for my child.
Of course it becomes more complicated if you have more children with a second partner, not even sure how that could ever be fair, hence why I didn’t do it.

If the person dies intestate, then the assets are split between the spouse and all children, no matter whose children they are. This is the best I can hope for with my DF who refuses to make a will.

My DM (who also remarried) has a will that gives everything to me and my DB, nothing to her new husband.

It is sticky and an unenviable position for the person making the will to be in.

It would depend on the individual situation.

If my DH died I'd get life insurance. This is one reason I'd never have a second husband, to protect that for the children.

Ok, so you’re now 42. At 45 you meet someone. Maybe they have some assets but not as many as you, but they enhance your life in every other way. You get together. Your son grows up, meets an Aussie chick and moves to Sydney. He visits maybe once a year, if they can afford the flights and have enough leave. You then get vascular dementia and new husband cares for you for twenty years, essentially letting your son off the hook while you become increasingly unbearable to love with. Still fair that new guy gets nothing and becomes homeless on your death?

This is the problem. No one knows how it will pan out.

Until pretty recently English immigrants to France could choose whether their estate was dealt with under French or English law, despite being resident in France and they could make wills under English law. Maybe that’s what happened in your SiL case? The Brit / France expat massage boards are full of older British retirees who are outraged that they can no longer leave everything to their spouse / disinherit their ne’er-do-well children, and trying to find ways round it.

I’m with my second husband. I’ve left everything to my children from my first marriage apart from my pension lump sum and widow’s pension. My half of our house will go to my children when he dies or sells or cohabits. I used to work in financial services and saw what could happen when people didn’t think things through. My husband is the same-I get the pension plus right to stay in the house but his money is going to his children and siblings. I have no idea what my ex husband!s arrangements are. I sometimes think about asking but then get worried he will have a temper fit and do something stupid as he gets defensive about that sort of thing. But at least they’ll get my money.

Ive had this issue to deal with recently and it’s been the most stressful thing I’ve ever gone through trying to resolve it. I’m a child rather than a partner.

The situation was: My dad remarried after his divorce from my mother in 1993. She had 3 adult sons. My stepmother died in 2010 and left her house (which my dad financially contributed to) 75% to her 3 children 25% to my dad (to be left to his biological children on his death). But decided she wanted my brother to have 75% of that share and me only 25% (don’t ask me why, it really, really hurts that my dad didn’t stand up for me). He was able to live in the house until he died though. However she left the bulk of her money to my dad and a small share to her children.

My dad died last year and his stepchildren discovered that he’d left all his estate (money) to my brother and I when he’d apparently suggested to them when he was alive that they’d be accounted for in his will.

My brother and I have spent the last 6 months trying to resolve the issue with the stepchildren threatening legal action. In the end we’ve done a deed of variation and given them 25% share of the estate.

Blended families can be really difficult. I don’t have any relationship with my stepbrothers and never plan on talking to them again when once the estate is settled. My relationship with my brother is also strained as a result. It’s really awful and I’m sure it’s something my dad wouldn’t have wanted.

The problem arises if you die and your DH remarries, he is free to write any will he wants (even now, you wouldn't know if he had done) and can disinherit all the kids, in favour of his new spouse.