10 year old hot how often misbehave?

[purpleme12]

Your 10 year olds
How often are they violent eg throw things? Or any other violence?
How often do yours scream/shout?
Are they aggressive? How often?
Show disrespect to you?
How does yours respond if you give a consequence?

Would like to know what other are like

Thank you

Mine would get very stressed by being left behind, even by only a few metres. As he can’t really understand when people are trying to be mean or are just being reasonable or completely unintentionally doing something to him he would view leaving him behind as quite a serious thing and then might push into me afterwards. A strong reaction but he would be having quite strong feelings about abandonment and being picked on.

Ok

Well, a classic autism trait is being absolutely "fine" at school, bit letting it all out at home. Girls mask much better.

Correct the behaviour by mostly.... Ignoring it and natural consequences. She was Kate for school, then she misses school/has to wait at office/be inconvenienced/has to get up 10 minutes earlier or whatever etc

Clearly punishment isn't working, so true giving her an outlet. Tell her it's ok to be frustrated,but not shove/hit. Let her stamp her feet, punch a cushion, run really fast etc.

Also, give her control where she can be given it in life.

Remind her she only has 5 minutes to do something. Warn her if she's late X will happen (miss the bus)

Help her with the hair next time...

Try and help her not get to the point of being so frustrated she has an outburst.

Honestly, I do all of this.

Yes, yesterday I gave a consequence (which I guess was a natural consequence) yes because I thought I'll try that again.

And yes I know it's a trait of autism but that doesn't change the fact that she doesn't fit the other traits.

I do not tend to match her anger. Apart from the rare occasion cos I'm human I stay calm.

I have also tried the other things suggested. Most of the time she can't bring herself to do it.

I'll muddle through

And I did help her with her hair to start with

Talking about my now grown up children - never. Talking about grandchildren - never.

Ok thank you. Somewhat replies

I have a ten year old. Never any violence or aggression but certainly prone to moodiness/sulking - has been known to ruin a number of family days out over something ridiculous that he gets worked up over then can’t admit he’s being silly and get over it, he’ll keep his bad mood up all day.

Definitely strops if he doesn’t get his own way. He’ll go along with it but he’ll make it known he’s not happy…

Thank you

No violence or throwing hitting etc. get back chat and rudeness if things don't go her way!

Take a step back, consequences to this type of behaviour won't work and it's not teaching her anything.

You need to help her recognise her emotions, when she's starting to boil, and what to do to calm down. Also recognise what you can do to stop things escalating. Always talk things through after in a calm setting, not telling her off as such, but making her reflect and realise when things started to go wrong. Then you can add tips to help her. Whether that be slow breathing, counting back from 10, better communication with you.

Ultimately she has to realise that she is in control of her behaviour, she just needs a little help with how to deal with all the big emotions.

Have a look into zones of regulation, mindfulness and have a look about for any parenting courses available for this age group

I do talk to her when she's calm.
She can hardly ever bring herself to do the things to calm her down or they don't work.
Occasionally, sure but not most of the time.
I am on the just for a parenting course from family hub. No idea how long that takes.

Will perhaps have to speak to school again to try more sessions again or something

Do bear in mind that boys and girls can present very differently with autism and ADHD.

How is she when everything is running as it should be for her, as in a smooth routine that works?

I'm autistic, but don't have all obvious traits. Most of it is internal, and trying to navigate a neurotypical world is exhausting and anxiety inducing. I shut down rather than melt down.

Might be worth a read on rejection sensitive dysphoria. When you left her to catch up, that could feel like rejection to her so she gets anxious and angry.

It's really important that you praise her loads to help build her confidence. Even something as simple as putting a plate in the dishwasher without issues. A thank you for doing something nicely.

I'm a big believer in natural consequences, as long as it's clear that they're responsible for the choices they make, including those consequences.

Yes I know about rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Yes always good to bear in mind the praising.

Yes I know it all presents differently in girls

None of this.

Maybe a hormonal huff and shout at their sibling.

Will apologise after the fact.

Mine have varied!
DC1 (ASD has been mentioned at various points but no diagnosis pursued)- no throwing/ aggression. Occasional shouting at me in response to being given consequences.
DC2- none of the above.
DC3- was an angry 10yo. Lots of shouting, occasionally hitting out, at school and home. Seemed to stem from feeling unheard/ unsupported, primarily by his form teacher. Improved over a year with supportive strategies at school and feeling listened to at home whilst being encouraged to acknowledge responsibility for his reactions.
DC4 (ADHD traits)- will shout at/ argue with me a LOT wWhen given consequences/ told behaviour not acceptable. Doesn’t do this in school. Can hit out at siblings (or classmates in self defence/ defence of friends)

My three older children, it would have been virtually none when they were 10. My oldest DC is autistic and would have had meltdowns occasionally at that age but not generally the kind of behaviour you're describing. My 9-year-old's behaviour is already exactly like though and it appears to be escalating. Extreme mood swings, screaming, shouting, slamming doors, violence towards his brother, etc. He has been diagnosed in absentia with autism after a single GP appointment but he's nothing like his brother who was properly diagnosed with autism 13 years ago. I suspect it's ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) but there doesn't seem to be any pathway into referral for that so we've been shoved into the autism support side of things.

Thank you both

@Howmanysleepsnow what supportive strategies did school do?
And was that because he had the same problems at school? Or just cos you spoke to school about him at home?

DS1 is now 15 but I remember him being 10 because his baby brother was born.

He was never aggressive or violent, never shouted. Was sometimes disrespectful if you mean that he was not acting totally deferential, but I have never expected this so I didn't see it as a problem. We rarely did consequences but if we did he tended to find it very unfair and complain. We did a lot of talking...

He is diagnosed ADHD but the difficult behaviour was mostly when he was younger. The symptoms that were there when he was ten were more that he was very intense wanting attention all the time, very quick to be bored, obsessed with screen time, easily distracted at school, totally disorganised, forgetful, very easily led by peers into unsuitable interests, a little residual being overly silly (this again was more of an issue when he was younger), very uncoordinated, some symptoms of anxiety.

Thanks

She does want attention all the time/to be occupied but that's nothing new she's always been like that.
And gets bored easily if we're not playing/not watching Tele/doing something

But those are the only things

I would say there's some traits for neurodivergence. Hair not going right and needing to be right before leaving the house I have seen in other neurodivergent kids before.

I would keep an ABC log for a week or two and log everything on it. ABC stands for Antecedent the resulting behaviour and the consequences after. So for the hair, for example:
A: DD was doing her hair. It was not going right. I explained to DD that we needed to leave for school. She did not do that so I left. I was frustrated and also thought by leaving it would hurry her up.
B: DD was angry and pushed me as she went past me in the street.
C: I was angry at DD and shouted at her as she went past. When DD was calm later, I spoke to her about how pushing on a road is unsafe. We agreed to work out what to do next time when her hair won't go right.

You will then have evidence if needed to show any professionals going forward for MH or SEN reasons. You may also see patterns or triggers.

I would recommend you treat her as neurodivergent at this point and look at www.autism.org.uk for tips on how to manage. Executive functioning in particular may be something to look into as ND people can find that aspect challenging.

Chase the school. Seriously, don't wait for them, be that squeaky wheel! Same with GP, CAHMS etc.

I'm happy to treat her as neurodivergent because happy to see if that works. Just not entirely sure what that means exactly?
Apart from people saying to keep to a routine. But we don't need a routine all the time.

But I will have a look at the website mentioned

I will try keep a ABC then. I just am so exhausted (mentally) it's hard to do these extra things

I will try get the energy to speak to school again. It's so tiring. And there are people in worse situations than me