Why is it that one person can have a bad childhood and come out stronger as an adult and others just continue with a shit life

[RusticRon]

I have just been thinking recently about this. And I hope I don't offend anyone and understand that I am massively generalising but I hope you understand the gist of what I'm saying.

Sadly, the fact is that there's loads of people who have had awful childhoods with neglect, trauma, abuse, crap families etc.

As adults, you can see the effects; mental and physical health problems, bad relationships, more abuse, low self esteem, substance abuse, poor choices, low confidence, self sabotage etc.

This results more often than not in poorer financial outcomes, poorer quality of life,. They have kids who don't have the best start in life as others.

Then you have the other set of people who come out stronger. They are thriving as adults. They have good relationships, good boundaries. They have healthy self esteem. They have better life outcomes. They have kids with a better start in life.

Why is it that two people with similar crap childhoods, one it's affected them negatively all their life and for the other it doesn't appear to be that way.

Is it down to personality? What is it?

I think the longitudinal ACES study showed that there are mitigating factors in childhood that help the group who go onto live well - social support (just one safe loving person), physical activity and more I can't recall now...

I think in my case I had the love of my Grandparents to compensate. Having a shit childhood has made me resilient and I can stand on my own two feet I rely on no one .

I agree with Isthisexpected, from what I understand there are a few key mitigating factors which studies have found. A relationship with a caring, sensible adult can be very protective such as an aunt, uncle or grandparent, even if they don't live together. Children need a safe attachment and if they have that, it can make a big difference no matter what their home life is like.

The balance of adverse experiences versus protective factors. Add in the underlying temperament of the child a bit too.

Yes there are lots of factors at play… individuals attributes, their social influences, if they have any positive input whether from a family member, a friend, school, voluntary agency etc. Even having a pet to care for or responsibility such as younger siblings can help… which is why it is vital that people realise that THEY can make a difference in an individual situation by being kind, by modelling the positivity in the world that we need, by reporting child safeguarding concerns etc.

Because along the way they were fortunate to have a person who saw them and instilled self love.

It may be a family, friends or a teacher, coach etc. Sometimes it's about having an opportunity when the person is able to engage. The way societal norms have changed to quite sylo approach men's this is probably less likely to happen sadly.

Exactly as the others have said. A great book if you're interested, and it's an easy enough read, is 'The boy who was raised as a dog', Bruce Perry.

I had a terrible childhood with violence, abuse, poverty, death of my mum when I was a teenager. To the outside world I look ok I have a successful career, strong marriage, children etc. but inside I'm a disaster. I have made a success of my life because the thought of spending one more day in that misery terrifies me. And I also attracted my share of abusers before I met DH.

My point in that even if you go on to have an ok life, and appear to be holding everything together the damage runs deep. I had lots of siblings which is what saved us all as we had back up from each other. I think people who show their damage more (addiction issues etc) probably had to face more of it on their own.

Others have given many reasons, and I think an additional factor is simply that we’re all born different. A bit like how two children can have the same parents and yet have different coloured hair or eyes. You can shout as much as you want that your brother has brown hair so why can’t you, but it doesn’t change the underlying genetic factors.
Obviously I’m not suggesting that some people will never amount to anything and shouldn’t try, just that we don’t all start out with the same blank slate.

It’s interesting, I grew up near a family with three boys who were dragged up by two alcoholic parents. The two older boys turned out just as bad, in and out of prison with all manner of addictions but the younger lives a perfectly normal life with a job, wife and two kids. No drama at all.

The younger boy was the darling of his grandmother while the other two were just written off by everyone.

I think a lot is personality, plus the age of any interventions.

My parents were horrific. They were neglectful, abusive alcoholic drug addicts. One of my earliest memories is the smell when my father burned my brother with the iron.

The personalities of the four of us have played a massive part in how we’ve fared. As the youngest I also had the longest period of ‘normal’ living (I was 7 when we were removed to grandparents) prior to adulthood, where has they had normal followed by the life of druggie parents, then normal again.

This. Temperament plays a big role. The orchid/dandelion research has a lot to say about this.

I have quite a lot of experience of working with young people and would absolutely agree with the idea that the influence of a single positive person can change everything.

I used to work with a woman who was from an area with a lot of issues, with family issues on her mother's side. The grandmother was a very violent, cruel alcoholic who abused the mother. The mother was a nice woman but cut off from her emotions as a coping mechanism - but she had managed to break the generational cycle of abuse. The woman I knew could be judgemental about other people not escaping bad situations. However, the reason her mother was able to escape and have a functioning family of her own was that she met her partner at 16. He was a loving, very emotionally able man, with a big loving family that basically picked the mother up and saved her. I don't know if she could have broken the cycle alone or what would have happened to her if her first boyfriend hadn't been such a great man and given her a stable safe life.

Having had a childhood of abuse and neglect I can give my perspective on this. I always knew from a very young age that my parents were cruel and how they parented was wrong. The effects of being raised this way resulted in teenage anxiety and depression that was never treated. Like others, a lot of my relationships were toxic and unhealthy.

I always knew I didn’t want the life my parents had and would never, in a million years, treat my kids the way I had been. By some miracle I got into university and into a career that I adore. Like a previous poster said, on the outside I look like I have my shit together, amazing kids, loving husband, nice life. However, I went through years of therapy to unpack all the trauma and it still lingers. I don’t think you can undo the pain caused by abuse but you can certainly grow and flourish.

my sister was the golden child but she can’t see that the family we grew up in was toxic. She’s a very unhappy person with a lot of issues. My fear is she will repeat the cycle with her own kids. Intellectually she understands what narcissism and abuse is but is totally unwilling, or unable to look at her life, our upbringing, to see the reality of growing up this way. I no longer try to make her see my point of view, she was raised in the same house as me but has had a very different experience.

so, I think, a lot of luck comes into your ability to undo the damage of a toxic childhood, or maybe it’s bravery? I don’t know. The legacy of such family systems can be devastating, that I do know.

Very complex situation.

Older sibling better educated with better prospects came crashing down in their 20’s with eventually sorting out their life in their 50’s with severe health issues due to substance abuse.

Younger sibling started family and doing okish but in low paying jobs due to lack of education and FOG.

Older sibling had much more support and resources.

Down to luck? Perception? Personality?Determination?

I agree with all of the above - my brothers and I had an absolutely horrific childhood, as adults I have nailed down a good job, have a husband and kids but am resilient and blame no one for things that go wrong, but I had a grandparent I escaped to as a child - I threw myself into school and although teachers didn’t know what was going on at home I was praised there as I was doing well.

my brothers are both in their 30s, neither has held down a job; both have been violent and drug addled their entire adult lives. Anything that goes wrong for them is the worlds fault, everyone is against them and they both believe they’re destined for this life - they didn’t have the relationships with external adults as children that I did and it’s only now I can look and see the difference that makes.
sadly I’ve not spoken to either of them for a few years so have no idea if any of that has changed.

I know some people will be offended and feel like I'm dismissing their hard work to turn their life around, but it's basically luck. All the protective factors are pure luck.

That can be from having at least one stable,loving adult in their life, to having a teacher that really takes an interest and supports them, to not having having that one more setback/knockdown that would send them over the edge, to being in an environment/relationship (not necessarily romantic) where they have the time and space to heal etc.

I'm one those children. NC with my family who live vastly different lives to me. In my case, I was a bright child and began to read at an early age, and never had my nose out of a book. So I did well at school and went to university.

As another poster has said, despite outward appearances, I have carried the effects of my childhood all my life, though I have carried it in a very different way to my siblings.

In my experience it's a mixture of many factors including circumstances throughout life, protective factors and individual temperament.

I also think that there's a lot of people who will carry baggage from their childhoods in a way that's not obvious to other people, especially those people who make the decision that intergenerational baggage/trauma stops with them and they're not going to pass it on to their children.

It's interesting but I agree it's possibly down to temperament, me and my siblings didn't have a great childhood, we have all been affected differently, one of my brothers is a homeless alcoholic, I suffer greatly with anxiety and low self esteem but I am a functioning adult, my other brother is prone to depression at times but is the least affected I would say, we are all very different people

I had grandparents that gave me some normality. I was good in school and got a degree. But I did end up in a relationship with an abuser and had a child with him.
Now I have a nice life. It’s very safe and stable and my husband and children are just full of love and good humour.
From the outside it isn’t obvious that I am still damaged from it all but I am.

There are numerous factors. I have an ACE score of 10. A therapist told me that on paper I should have been dead years ago, but I’m reasonably well-adjusted and have a lovely life. My saving grace was becoming a mother at the age of 17. I wouldn’t normally advocate having a baby in your teens, but for me it made me determined to ensure that my children would never experience a childhood like I had. That, and lots and lots of therapy! I have to say though, the concept of what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is absolute bullshit.

i work in this area and the people who come out with an ok life usually had at least one person in their life who they had a close and supportive relationship with (grandparent, aunt, family friend, even a sibling). Also if they first 2 years are ok and a child gets what they need them liklihod is they can bounce back as an adult. Neglect and abuse in the first 2 years is a big indicator of later life I’ve noticed Whereas if those years are ok and it happens later on then it’s slightly easier to recover from. That’s certainly noticeable in siblings as often a parent manages for the first child better than subsequent.

Same as some of the others, loving grandparents that I saw at the weekend to compensate. Unfortunately my brother was often not allowed to see them as punishment for some perceived slight to my Stepmum and the consequences of that can still be seen today. He is in his late 30s, in the Military (which myself and other brother have observed is the perfect job for him as my stepmother brought him up in a military type fashion) but struggles on and off with depression and suicidal thoughts.

He has done well career wise but struggles badly emotionally when his relationships fall apart. Only last year I had to stay awake all night talking him out of killing himself after he split from his wife. He is very hard to get to open up but he will talk to me as I'm the only one who suffered similar abuse to him and understand.

I on the other hand appear extremely functional but struggle greatly with being vulnerable and have developed Claustrophobia as a result of being made to spend much of my childhood sat on the floor in my bedroom in the same spot every day, not being allowed to leave my room for anything other than toilet use.

I sometimes go a full day without drinking anything as we were only allowed one cup of water at teatime, for example. In relationships I cannot open up unless I drink alcohol, then all of my emotions I have stuffed down resurface which of course comes with it's own set of problems.

Career wise I am a classic under achiever, I think because my parents put so much on me being the 'clever one' but offered no love otherwise, that I am still subconsciously rebelling against it. Probably some level of self sabotage there too. I got a Degree 5 years ago and am slowly working towards Maths GCSE in hopes to become a Social Worker but happily plod along working as a carer currently.

Even the ones who appear functional, even successful likely have their own set of (often poor) coping mechanisms.
Just because we didn't become serial killers, doesn't mean we aren't as fucked up by any means.

You can’t judge from the outside.
Surviving an abusive childhood is like building a house without good foundations. It might look ok and stand up for years but given the wrong event which a well built house could withstand it will collapse.