Why is it that one person can have a bad childhood and come out stronger as an adult and others just continue with a shit life

[RusticRon]

I have just been thinking recently about this. And I hope I don't offend anyone and understand that I am massively generalising but I hope you understand the gist of what I'm saying.

Sadly, the fact is that there's loads of people who have had awful childhoods with neglect, trauma, abuse, crap families etc.

As adults, you can see the effects; mental and physical health problems, bad relationships, more abuse, low self esteem, substance abuse, poor choices, low confidence, self sabotage etc.

This results more often than not in poorer financial outcomes, poorer quality of life,. They have kids who don't have the best start in life as others.

Then you have the other set of people who come out stronger. They are thriving as adults. They have good relationships, good boundaries. They have healthy self esteem. They have better life outcomes. They have kids with a better start in life.

Why is it that two people with similar crap childhoods, one it's affected them negatively all their life and for the other it doesn't appear to be that way.

Is it down to personality? What is it?

I've never heard of the ACE thing... but did it earlier and I scored 8.
I've spent most of my life sweeping as much of the crappier parts of my childhood into a corner, I would fight my way out of it, focus on the positive bits, laugh and make stupid jokes about the bizarrest bits and tuck the very worst away in a box and lock it up and swallow the key.

I would not let it be 'Who I Am'.
But a couple of years ago my mum and dad died within a year of each other and I was very ill and the carefully constructed shell I had built, cracked a bit.
I am finding it harder and harder to not feel overwhelmed by even the tiniest of things. The sand has shifted under me and I realise that the shell I built was around something broken and raw.
I'm not sure how to fix it to be honest... but in answer to the OP, I'm not sure it's all so either/or and black and white. Life is messy.

And let's not forget the biggest "luck" of all:

Having at least an average IQ.

Not having any disabilities,brain damage, etc. either through birth(NAS,FAS ) or due to abuse /neglect.

Not having any SEN to be neglected or exacerbated by living in a chaotic/abusive/neglectful home.

Basically having the ability to actually be a functionally average human, if your mental health allows you to do so.

It's easy to shout about resilience,hard work ,education and choice and simply forget that thousands and thousands of people/children actually do not have options.

@Caribbeaanqueen your post resonated with me. I have definitely parented my children in a way that I would have wanted for myself and definitely didn't get. It's a funny thing being able to give love when one hadn't received it yourself.

I had a bit of a shit childhood. I developed a gallows sense of humour which I use to mask the actuality of how things were. I am still unable to retell my childhood without making light of it. People mistake this for me being strong. I'm not. I am simply unable to actually address any of the issues seriously and dwell on them.

I am a worrier and suffer from anxiety. However, I don't want my kids to suffer the same so I am deliberately relaxed about expectations upon them etc. My parenting style is pretty relaxed and I tend not to sweat the small stuff. People mistake this for a sign of being relaxed. It's not. I'm just determined to not put them under the same pressure that I endured.

I seemingly cope well in a crisis because I internalise my fear and don't show it. I switch into practical mode.
I think that, due to my anxiety, I have rehearsed fictitious catastrophes on an almost daily basis, so I tend to slip into automaton when faced with a crisis.

People consider me to be strong. They are very much mistaken. I am very anxious and feel vulnerable under my adopted exterior.

You have no idea what's really going on inside someone's head. The people who know me would think I was funny out going successful and really lucky etc, living my best life. The reality is it's been an absolute horror show and only now in my 50's "touchwood" is it starting to calm down. Going off the rails wasn't an option.

As someone who had a terrible childhood/adolescence and is now doing well as an adult, I’d say the factors that made a difference for me are all luck.

• I wasn’t exposed to significant pre-birth trauma like neonatal drug and alcohol exposure, which can have a long term impact on brain development.
• Most trauma happened after 1yr old
• Good IQ - it meant I could do fine at school without needing to attend or do homework and then have options open to me.
• Very close relationships with 2 teachers, that were significant protective factors for me.
• Trauma therapy actually worked for me - it doesn’t for some.
• I don’t have an addictive personality, so drug and alcohol use hasn’t been an issue
• I’ve been good at compartmentalising. I could have horrific nightmares and then strictly tell myself it’s time to put that away and go to work.

I’ve worked with a lot of people with significant trauma, I would say the ability to compartmentalise and ‘shut it off’ is one of the most significant predictors of outward functionality I’ve noticed. Some people can be experiencing severe internal turmoil but they are able to force themselves to get on with whatever they need to be doing. Their internal turmoil isn’t less than someone who isn’t outwardly functional. My guess is it probably relates to brain functioning/dissociative capacities rather than being a measure of strength or resilience.

For me (late 40s):

Personality

No obvious SEN issues

Good IQ & love of reading

Continuous paid employment since teenage years

Becoming a single parent at 20

Going to Uni at 24

Counselling

Working in Safeguarding

Going NC & LC with parents, including other toxic people

Reinforcing personal boundaries

Peace

There are so many variables OP. My parents did not do a good job, but I won a place at grammar school and found a mentor there who carried me through.

As a result, I have a degree, a career, a nice home and I give my ds a good life, a happy loving supported childhood. I have a social life, friends, hobbies but I will never trust a man. I will never live with a partner.

So you might think some people bounce back better than others but it is all relative.

Not me but a friend of ours

At age 14 and 16 (or a similar age, mid teens) my friend and her brother were basically told to leave the house. Don't come back, you're on your own type of thing.

So they did. She somehow continued at school, went to uni, got an MBA and is now living in Silicone Valley earning mega bucks with a brilliant job.

Not sure how the brother is doing, but he's still in the home town.

If that's not resilience and determination in the face of adversity I don't know what is.

For me it was boarding school. Adults that had no interest in dismantling me. No drama, no mental, emotional and physical abuse. Sanity, peace.

I think there are also a lot of people who look like they are stronger, but really in private they have a very, very hard time and constantly struggle.

Haven't RTFT but while I agree with the posters listing protective factors I think we should also be aware that sometimes people can seem to not have been impacted by their past but are actually still carrying it, just in a different way.

Perfectionism is a common coping mechanism when we are terrified of criticism but can produce very academically and professionally successful people. It can still be very difficult to live with.

That person being really kind and thoughtful all the time might actually be unconciously working really hard to make everyone like them with their selfless acts as they don't feel good enough just as they are.
Or they might have poor boundaries and a desire to rescue everyone as it feels better to be the "rescuer" rather than the one in need if rescue.

The super energetic person who never stops and is so social and productive might be terrified of their own head space, and copes by keeping as busy as possible.

@TripleChins so true. I think I've definitely got some of those. Yes think lots of people are holding onto things in different ways. I am terrible at dealing with criticism.

I often wonder about this, my ACE score is 8 and my siblings would be similar. There are 5 of us all with different outcomes.

I am doing great on the outside like many others but I have bounced from one abusive relationship to another until I finally settled down with my DH.

I have a stable job that I am doing well in, I am working my way upwards and it is becoming a career. I believe that is what saved me. I started there at 18 whilst living in a homeless hostel and I saw how other people lived and learnt from them. I got pregnant a couple of months after I started and everyone wrote me off, thought I would leave work and be a young mum on benefits but I went back after maternity leave and I am still there twenty years later. That job is my safe space, my normality.

I picked up that a lot of previous posters loved reading. I always had my head in a book as a child and I do believe it helped.

My sister has lost care of 3 children, two separate lots of children 10 years apart. She is now in rehab, I wonder often how things are so different for us.

Such an interesting thread.

I also had some ACE but later on in childhood, I was 9 when things fell apart so I have always figured that I had the protective factor from having a stable and happy early childhood. I was also 'bright' and got away to Uni. I had good friends. I appear not to have an addictive personality. I managed to dodge any abusive relationships. I still do suffer with GAD and CFS (some autoimmune disorders seem to link to ACE from some research I have read). I have always worked in low paid admin jobs, partly as am not career focussed but mainly because I know I can't deal with stress well.

@TallandSkinny bless your relative who helped those 4 teens, and the children that came after. I have a friend who had a similar scenario. Her adoptive son was just too damaged to keep on the rails, and he had a child who was removed as a baby by SS due to neglect. My friend fostered her and she was later adopted along with a sibling set from another family. Thanks to my friend, and the adoptive dads with all these children under their wing, all the children have had a better chance at life. They are all doing brilliantly, and are now happy, well adjusted teens - long may that continue. It was a tough time for my friend. She still loves her adoptive son even though she knows it's unlikely he will overcome the terrible damage done to him as a young child.

To everyone who is trying their best to deal with a bad hand of cards given them in childhood, I salute you.

People praise mountaineers, but there are unseen inner mountains people climb every day.

@Alltheyearround I won’t quote your whole post, but the bit about mountaineers was spot on - and kind of sums up the whole thread. Such a striking quote.

Many factors.. natural resilience, luck, opportunities later in life, friends and sibling support, will to make the most of life, society support, 'mentor, wealth, access to education, access to secure housing, belief system, health and healthy diet, country in which they reside.

@Caribbeaanqueen I think you make a good point, about undiagnosed ND. I have a teenage son with a couple of ND issues, and honestly I almost washed my hands of him a few times, he caused me so much stress. Things are ok now, I am home in the afternoons so can keep him grounded a bit, I drive him to his training sessions or gym sessions which help him regulate, DH earns a good salary so we have money to get what supports he needs and we live in a nice area, his friends are well brought up kids and there is (so far) no local access to drugs and no gangs etc. I have no doubt that a child just like him in different circumstances could have gone off the rails so easily. I've heard the statistics are very high for ND men in prisons, I can only imagine the generations of alcoholics or drug abusers with undiagnosed ND issues. Its tragic really but goes to show how important it is to diagnose and support young people.

This has got to be one of the most obtuse and ignorant responses to an MN thread I've ever read.

MamaAlwaysknows: her 2nd post:

"You are the owner of your mind and brain, including your body and time. You chose what to do with all that."

This, Is actually true. And she goes on to mention the word blame.

See blame is a pointless emotion, because the person you are blaming invariably / normally doesn't care. And that doesn't help you, move forwards. By that I mean that no matter what card you've been dealt with (and I admit it's easy for me you say that because I have an ACE of 0, come from a loving supportive family), but eventually, no one is gonna look after your MH, your wellbeing, your emotional astuteness, other than you.

You wouldn't want to give the person who had damaged you, any more satisfaction. Of allowing them to ruin any more of your life. So you take counselling, read as many self help books as you can, continue to always work on it. (We all need to continually work on ourselves, to smooth out our rough edges, I certainly do!). You are at least giving yourself the best shot, by doing so.

Not as simplistic as the successful vs failures. No, it's not 'down to personality'.

I relate to all of the bad things listed like low confidence and mental/physical health consequences.

I also have good points in my life like job/educational success, no trouble with the law, no substance issues.

There are a massive number of factors that can influence outcomes

Other family members stepping in
Friends
Teachers
The school you attend (good school vs bullying or bad influences)
Where you live (the kid of people around, the culture, resources)
Government schemes and opportunities
Healthcare services
Ability to get a job young and control finances
Whether you were give sex education and allowed bodily autonomy
Reform programmes for vulnerable youths
Educational attainment and being able to get a stable job

@FKAT exactly. Especially since proven time and time again on here that simply working is not enough. Why is it part time ? Why is it just a job a not a career? Why is it a poorly paid job? Why not better yourself? Again, and again and again. Completely ignoring the fact that simply being alive and moderately functional it's not just an achievement for some people, it takes an extraordinary amount of effort.

Would you say the same if someone says , "I can't run a marathon because someone ran me over and I lost the use of my legs"?

Would you tell someone with learning difficulties because of FAST OR NAS that is really struggling, to stop blaming their parents and.. what? Grow a new brain?

I had a rough childhood and on top of it have Asperger's. It's like being dealt a crappy hand and then kicked while you're down. But sometimes life just piles on the challenges and everyone had their own crap to deal with. I often think how much better I'd have been had I not been neglected and its easy to feel very resentful.

The silver lining was that my parents had a high IQ. This played a crucial role in my ability to overcome the struggles I faced and strive for better but I would be lying if I said it was easy. I have social problems and would cry when I first met people throughout my 20s I often found myself working as a cleaner or contemplating online sex work when I had a degree because of my mental health + damage from my upbringing. Again, I wonder – how much better would I have coped if I'd had a normal loving upbringing and didn't walk around in egg shells, afraid the floor would fall out from under me. Thankfully I am now self employed and much happier but its been a struggle and I wanted to 'leave the earth' a lot during my youth-20s. My brother has been much more successful in life and he doesn't have aspergers but he does struggle with relationships due to our upbringing.

I think ability to recover from a neglectful home life boils down to a combination of factors that are largely out of our control. Genetics, IQ, etc. It's a luck of the draw. None of us get to choose our parents, genetics, or ancestry before coming into this world. Pop! Here we are with a handful of stuff to deal with. But not forget..!

Not forever*!