Why is it that one person can have a bad childhood and come out stronger as an adult and others just continue with a shit life

[RusticRon]

I have just been thinking recently about this. And I hope I don't offend anyone and understand that I am massively generalising but I hope you understand the gist of what I'm saying.

Sadly, the fact is that there's loads of people who have had awful childhoods with neglect, trauma, abuse, crap families etc.

As adults, you can see the effects; mental and physical health problems, bad relationships, more abuse, low self esteem, substance abuse, poor choices, low confidence, self sabotage etc.

This results more often than not in poorer financial outcomes, poorer quality of life,. They have kids who don't have the best start in life as others.

Then you have the other set of people who come out stronger. They are thriving as adults. They have good relationships, good boundaries. They have healthy self esteem. They have better life outcomes. They have kids with a better start in life.

Why is it that two people with similar crap childhoods, one it's affected them negatively all their life and for the other it doesn't appear to be that way.

Is it down to personality? What is it?

I think a lot of what has already been said about other protective factors is so true and makes a massive difference in the outcomes of young people. Having a safe consistent person, wider family, being taken out of the situation, good emotional support.

I had a horrible childhood and undiagnosed neurodiversity.

On the outside it looks like I've done well and I guess I have. Good career, nice relationship, financially ok. I've got lots of friends and a social life.

Underneath all that I'm a ball of anxiety, I barely function sometimes outside of work, am constantly faking it and my physical health is poor too.

Very few people would know that and only one person really knows all of it.

I've had some trauma therapy but what I really need (long term work) is not available to me and most other adults who can't afford to pay for it. Add in the ND bit and it's all a bit of a mess.

One loving reliable person. One opportunity.

There’s a course called ‘can’t dance’ which is about how we learn relationship. Someone has to bond with a child, for the child to learn how relationships work.

Opportunity- if you have something going for you- academic ability, a talent, it helps you access more opportunities and more people to bond with.

Sadly many of us with shit parents were also shit at relationships so got bullied. One good friend who sticks with you and lets you see how a loving family works really makes a difference.

I read a lot and think I learned empathy from books. I certainly didn’t learn it from my mother!

That’s how I feel about my own life. It was pure luck. In my case, learning to read and turning to books to escape an unhappy, chaotic house, and that translating into getting out via education, because I was lucky enough to be able to fund my entire university education via scholarships and LA grants.

What's your point?

Are you suggesting that the people who might continue to struggle are just not trying hard enough or are too weak?

Too simplistic.

My parents were really toxic, controlling and verbally and physically abusive and my childhood. Both had obvious mental health issues they refused to address. My teenage years also included constant bullying at school and assault by a teenage boy.

My health was badly neglected when I was a child and it left me with some permanent health issues that will never be corrected now. They could have been when I was young but parents chose to ignore doctors advice. This involves issues with bones that did not develop properly and almost zero eyesight in my left eyes due to their refusal to seek treatment.

I was really isolated as a child and had no other family to support me and the teachers simply ignored the fact that there was something really wrong going on with me (small town and this was over 40 years ago and child abuse was just often not picked up).

There is a lot I did in adulthood to try to get over what happened to me: putting myself through university, moving to a completely different country and going no contact with my relatives, doing a lot of work on my mental health (seeking therapy and medication) and physical health and trying to be the best person I can be.

But there is no denying that my childhood had and still has a huge, negative impact on my life and there is nothing whatsoever I can do now to reverse the early neglect to my health.

So my point is you should not judge people from the outside as you don't really know anything about their individual circumstances.

I have an ACE score of 8, and consider myself lucky to have survived the worst of my childhood.

The need to move forwards, to escape into a better future can be a powerful motivator. I always knew that the way my mother lived was not something I wanted, and would do a lot to escape.

I was 'lucky' to have the aptitude and opportunities to escape via education; I was not 'lucky' to have been brought into circumstances that meant I've had to work to achieve things that other children had as a matter-of-fact, like enough food and a safe place to sleep at night.

I agree with others that the 'good' adult outcome can often be the tip of the iceberg, with anxiety and suffering underneath. As an adult, talk therapy/ EMDR/ bodywork has been a life-saver and I wish more people had access to it.

School was my safe place. I did every extra curricular I could to avoid going home and I escaped to University.

On paper like other posters, I look great. 2 University degrees, always excelled at work and pushed for promotions, loads of voluntary work but I'm still a mess inside. Diagnoses include ptsd and gad, last psychiatrist thought c-ptsd.

I'm just lucky I fell in with the set whose drugs of choice were coke and champagne than many of the women from similar backgrounds I've worked with who ended up with heroin addictions and criminal records.

I know that many of you won't agree with my view but here goes. I believe in reincarnation. Babies arrive in this world with characteristics which they have developed in many previous lives. No child comes here as a blank slate. They bring with them talents, personality traits, ways of being, ways of reacting. Events in their lives are karmically predetermined but can be modified.

This is why I get so mad about ACEs, not that the system of ACEs exists but it is most often only looked at with the bad stuff happening and assume any issue in their life is because of any of the ACEs having lasting damage. It’s another tool to dismiss coexisting real issues especially in women imo.

My ace score is high. I think I’m one short iirc.

I had a parent in prison. It was the best thing to happen to me because it took the abuser and addict out of my home for unrelated charges and they left prison sober and a different person. Prison shook them up the right way. I saw what life could be. But when professionals have asked about my ‘bad childhood’ (when in relation to my child and their SEND) that part is glossed over. That some situations are a the best thing to happen.

My ACE score absolutely inhibited my DCs diagnosis too because they were so focused on my bad childhood as a reason for DCs failing to thrive in school, blaming my parenting etc, that they dismissed the real issues - adhd, dyspraxia and dyslexia - until GCSE year and subsequently it’s now believed I have ADHD which would explain my underachieving despite fantastic grades more than my ACEs (I crashed and burned out at Uni)

my DC is on medication now, will start some tutoring and therapies to improve the dyspraxia and dyslexia, is very behind but thriving.

Some sad stories here, I'm glad to say I can't relate but just want to point out that among cherished and well cared for children there are still many who fall prey to mental illness or unresolved issues from childhood. There are many addicts or sufferers from depression who have no 'excuse' and are struggling with guilt as to why they can't do better when they were given so much. There is definitely a large personality component.

Also i think a factor is the ability to form the relationship with the stable adult, a more open affectionate person is more likely to be loved whereas a person who internalises more or is ND is less likely to tug at the heartstrings and more likely to be written off. I also think women do a little better than men here as vulnerable men can get recruited into gangs and crime where there is no escape.

100 % luck. They key influences are:

The genes you are born with (which might predispose you to depression, anxiety, anger, addiction, obesity as well as your physical capabilities).

the conditions you experience in your mother womb (is she stressed, injured, addicted to alcohol or drugs, taking medication, in poor health etc)

the first few years of life (could you form secure attachments to reliable caregivers who meet your needs, did you have enough food and drink and warmth, were you read to / cuddled / played with / kept safe from harm)

and the environment you are born into (is it safe, is it clean.

To a huge extent these things shape the person you become and how you make your way through life. These are all beyond your control, and are different for every single person - even siblings.

This resonates hugely...
How do I make those foundations stronger?

I know this family with four siblings who had a rough beginning. They were very poor, their dad was abusive to their mums and their mum had a cluster b personality disorder. None of them had much support growing up, they were all on their own as teens. The two oldest siblings have had a tough time, but the youngest sibling has become a teacher and is a good mum. The second youngest used to get in trouble as a youth was a prolific offended in and out of YOI but he's turned his life around, he's a good dad and in a stable relationship with a job. The oldest two are still struggling.

Whatever your upbringing is your intrinsic traits, including genetic predispositions and susceptibility to mental health issues have a massive impact the course of your life.

To their mum not mums.

Yes personality is one part of it some people are sensible, good savers, naturally wise don't mix with a bad crowd or quickly learn from their mistakes.

The other part is luck and your circle maybe they had good friends? Wealthy grandparents and supportive who enabled them to go back and study. The list is endless OP.... several things!

Ohhh and who you have kids to drastically can can change your life also. How could I forget! I've noticed this in my circle infact I'm intrigued how we all moan but it tends to be about "different issues"

I had a crap childhood, I would appear to be one of " come out stronger" types, but am constantly working at acting "normal", second guessing myself,etc... I am like a house on dodgy foundations or a tree without roots, I have to work at staying upright and know that a strong gust of wind will send me toppling to.the ground.

I often wonder about that myself. I am the eldest of six with a bad childhood. Both my parents have undiagnosed problems and went through an extremely nasty divorce. Social services involvement etc.

I appear to have my affairs in order but definitely have issues (fear of abandonment, feel of responsibility to siblings). I always had to be the responsible one, lot of pressure to do well because I was academically gifted.

My sister after that was often a target of my father's cruel behaviour and was always compared to me unfavourably. She has a form of c-PTSD and has basically completely fallen apart.

My brother has dealt with it by being a bit of a clown and just being out of the way of any criticism completely by just not trying anything. He is very passive and that has cost him relationships in the past.

This is me also.

I am hoping to break the circle with my DD. I think I have almost gone too far the other way with her. She has absolutely no doubt that I love her very much and I might be a bit overprotective at times.

I often wonder about a lad I knew, from a supposedly ‘good’ family. Dad was a businessman and mum a professional. He was very able, quick witted and, on the face of it, had everything going for him materially. He had a sister who was daddy’s princess and acrimoniously divorced parents.

He was in a young offender’s place before he was 15. The sister avoided any of that. Was it simply that she was the golden one? Was he trying to prove himself?

Many factors.

Intrinsic intelligence/ability - this could mean it's possible to compensate for everything that would ordinarily result in poor academic achievement or attendance, give an ability to learn things on the hoof and lead to their realising very early that the life they're living isn't one they want to continue as a adult.

Exposure to other ideas - whether through books, TV, films, it doesn't matter. Whilst the inadequate parents think that the child is out of their hair watching Spiderman cartoons and the like, they're actually learning about the Hero's Journey, that actions have consequences, doing what is right, that the correct way to behave is to protect the vulnerable, that with great power comes great responsibility, that even the strongest person can falter and the key is to keep on trying. They're also seeing that other people have clean, safe homes, loving parents, that they aren't going hungry or are hit regularly, people have jobs, that scientists and archaeologists are cool...

An element of trauma response/neurodiversity can help. The same patterns that create object impermanence (if I can't see it, I don't think about it) can mean that they can create a separation from the abuse and now - that was then, it wasn't my fault, it happened and it's not happening now. The environment is rapidly changing? Yeah, I would spend my days being told black was white and then how stupid I was to think that when it's obvious black is grey and they never said anything of the sort, I'm just stupid and make things up - having to stop doing task #1 in that way to respond to task #2 and now back to task #1 but it's different now because the boss has changed their mind - mehhhhh, whatever.

There's desensitisation. If the original experience of displeasing somebody was that you got a punch to the side of the head, you're not as likely to be bothered by somebody ranting at you down the phone or somebody kicking off that there's no A4 in the photocopier - it's over there (which also drops in a subtle 'Do it yourself and stop having a go at me when it's not my job or problem' assertiveness without actually having to say it and causing workplace issues). Am I going to panic and completely lose my shit, calling somebody stupid for dropping and smashing a mug? Nope, it's an accident, the sound might make me jump and remember when i dropped something, but that was an accident too - or it'll be 'it's not as if it was being thrown at me, hope she isn't hurt, let's get this cleaned up 'are you OK?' '.

An acute sense of body language. If you're trained from birth to recognise those tiny signals in front of everybody else that you're going to pay for this once you're indoors, you notice people's unconscious signs which makes you very good at handling the more challenging situations - and knowing not to trust the person whose smile doesn't go past their nose at all. Also means that you have a better chance of finding some genuinely lovely people because they're broadcasting to all and sundry through their body language and a genuine smile.

And there is fundamental personality. Sheer bloodymindedness really helps. All those things you got criticised, hit, punished, mocked for? Chances are that they're exactly what you need to get on in life - because that's why they were targeted in the first place; they were a threat to the abuser.

Luck of the draw, really, whether you have those things to help or not. And if there is actually proper help/caring/interest from people with both the will and the authority to actually make a difference on top, that would be nice, too. That also depends upon whether the abuser is more skilled at abusing or not, as if they can manage to make the child as hard to like/engage with as possible, it's less likely they'll ever be in a position to disclose anything in the first place.

Nature and nurture. 3 children bought up in a very loving solid family are also different. Which supports the nature AND nurture argument.

I don't think I had as bad a childhood as others here but my father's family had a long history of violence, abuse, addiction, poverty and he repeated that cycle with us. I witnessed DV, violence, alcoholism, crime at home from early age. We had no money - like NONE. My mum escaped when we were in primary school but we were traumatised by it all in varying ways. My siblings in particular have ongoing mental health issues (though we're all doing OK to very well on the surface).

I think luck and genetics have something to do with it but the evidence says the big factors in making a difference are

• being able to talk, reflect, digest and have your experience acknowledged by others (read Alice Miller) - I think this is why many of my dad's generation and my cousins have struggled.
• Having an intelligent mother (this is one of the biggest factors in success as an adult regardless of all other factors)
• Exercise/sport and access to outdoors (this sounds glib but UNICEF have lots of data on green space being a factor in mental health and resilience as an adults.)
• Social support - this is why the end of Sure Start is a tragedy for the poorest kids - having an infrastructure for everyone to access - classes, parenting lessons, financial support, friendship, hobbies - makes the biggest difference. Prince's Trust paid for my hobbies, which meant I had a good UCAS statement, which meant I could go to a good uni.
• NC - I think being able to say that person is no good for me and I won't be in contact with them EVEN if that person is your parent is a life changer.

This is so interesting. And to flip it on its head, I alwasy wonder why some children that seem to come from secure loving homes that appear to give them endless support and chance after chance fuck up their lives with terrible life choices.

I'm thinking of a lovely older couple, seem delightful and their adult daughter is lovely, appears happy and settled. Their adult son is a heroine addict, in and out of rehab, committing petty theft to fund his habit. He did not come from poverty or abuse, so what has made him like that, when others with terrible starts in life can turn out so well?

Agree with many pp's.
What @Blackcats7 posted is also true.

Childhoods can look similar on paper but one can have an absence of protective factors that the other doesn't.
I had many ACE's and wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone... but also did know my parents loved me even as they were shit parents in other ways, so I did have some self worth from that.
I had a couple of teachers who were kind and I lived in a relatively safe community so came across (some) nice people when out of the home.
I still have lots of scars and these weigh me down, and have taken a lot of energy to work on them not sabotaging me completely, but also I know how much adversity it takes to break me so I'm not scared of some things. My life is good and I have strong boundaries now.
I think the mix you get of personality (I am very analytical naturally and this meant I hyper focused on the patterns of things affecting me so I could process stuff) and protective factors is pot luck.

My sister was/ still is the golden child, and she's turned into a horribly toxic and nasty piece of work as an adult. I will never forgive or forget her behaviour when our Dad was terminally ill. I however was firmly left to get on with it when growing up, and I think it made me hugely resilient. I'm very low contact with our Mum as a result, and NC with my sister. My only regret is not doing it years ago.
DH has a difficult relationship with his sister because she's never moved on past their childhood while he was determined to. He met her 3 months ago to try and make peace but within minutes she was telling him that he'd had the better childhood than her - bearing in mind he was 2 years old when their parents split She's nearly 60 and still has her head firmly in the past.
DH and I both shrugged off our upbringings and I'm incredibly proud of the family unit we now have. Having said that, we both had incredibly strong bonds with a grandparent so I think there's something in having that role model.