Why is it that one person can have a bad childhood and come out stronger as an adult and others just continue with a shit life

[RusticRon]

I have just been thinking recently about this. And I hope I don't offend anyone and understand that I am massively generalising but I hope you understand the gist of what I'm saying.

Sadly, the fact is that there's loads of people who have had awful childhoods with neglect, trauma, abuse, crap families etc.

As adults, you can see the effects; mental and physical health problems, bad relationships, more abuse, low self esteem, substance abuse, poor choices, low confidence, self sabotage etc.

This results more often than not in poorer financial outcomes, poorer quality of life,. They have kids who don't have the best start in life as others.

Then you have the other set of people who come out stronger. They are thriving as adults. They have good relationships, good boundaries. They have healthy self esteem. They have better life outcomes. They have kids with a better start in life.

Why is it that two people with similar crap childhoods, one it's affected them negatively all their life and for the other it doesn't appear to be that way.

Is it down to personality? What is it?

I grew up in a family where domestic violence was the norm, all my cousins had similar upbringings and most of us have some mental health issues relating to this however I am the only female who still has custody of her children, a good job and own a property and has never had addiction issues.

like previous posters I spent my childhood in a book and could see from a young age education was the way out, unfortunately I was the only one who was able to pass exams at a level to go to uni.

On the face of it I have a great life, good job, financially stable, live in a good area with a good husband and 2 kids that are doing well. The reality is I push my husband away all the time. I am terrified that things are going to crumble and I have a better understanding than most of what rock bottom looks like. I also have the added complication of having to watch my parents get older still in their controlling and probably still violent marriage wondering when the time comes how I am going to care for them and how to manage a relationship with them.

it’s a house of card that could fall at any point

I grew up in an odd situation and it became increasingly obvious to my friends and myself that our household was 'different'. Too complicated to go into but a past traumatic event had affected me more than anyone had suspected. It was the thing no one talked about and hoped I would forget and it would go away. I was not aware of all this at the time.

My grandmother more or less brought me up in the early years though [thank God], and was a constant guiding presence. She was kind and always there for me, I made her laugh, she talked to me about everything under the sun. She was funny, wise, and I felt safe, I felt she loved me and when she was caring for me I felt happy and untroubled. I had her care for 10 years before that was ripped away. I saw her less after that but she was the only steady thing I had. She taught me what love was.

Events afterwards meant I was extremely unhappy and troubled. I still have low self esteem, and deep down quite anxious although I've learned how to control it. I wouldn't say I'd overcome my problems, I wouldn't say my life has been 100% successful but I've made it. I've come to terms with an awful lot. I am content, love my life, my family and my home. I put it all down to my grandmother who gave me a grounding, a moral code and the strength I've needed by her examples. Without that I know I would have gone down a very slippery slope, [nearly did].

I had a shocking start in life. I’m doing pretty well for myself. Big house. Professional career (my third actually). Lovely family. People are generally surprised when we start over sharing.

I feel I have overcome for the most part. There are scars though. I have a lack of self confidence, and poor commitment. That’s why I’m on my third ‘career’. I’m an under achiever , but I’m scared to try because failure was not tolerated when I was growing up.

I exude optimism, but I’m not an optimist at all, I’m always waiting for things to go wrong. I’m highly critical, of others but 10 x so of myself. It’s very rare that I form solid attachments - I don’t need other people as a rule, but I crave closeness. I just don’t know how to nurture it. I’m easily hurt, and it’s hard for me to forgive.

I’m determined that history won’t repeat itself. I’m a good mum and a devoted partner. My family understand me and I am at my best with them.

I think anyone who knows me would be shocked to hear any of this. I’m good at hiding it, because I had to hide any negative feelings growing up.

'Poor' by Katriona O'Sullivan delves into this. She had a horrific neglected childhood, pregnant by 15 and now has a doctorate. Her story is unusual and I'm sure everyone tells her how amazing she isn't (she is!) but she talked about pot luck and in particular 2 teachers who went to great lengths to support her. She got scholarships and supports but it struck me that she had an unusually high intelligence level, had she been average she'd still be living in the gutter despite determination. She also screwed up a few times, but there were supports to help her, people who understood, if she had just one shot she wouldn't have made it. It was eye opening and a very good read.

ADHD can increase risk of alcoholism,risk taking,drug taking (to self medicate).
So a drug addicted or alcohol addicted parent can result in difficult childhood for DCs.
The children might have adhd -so go same way as DPs or might not have it -so sort themselves out.

I think some of it is personality, some of it is that on the face of it the experience is the same, but the underlying issues are different.

I mean we had not a lot of money as children. My parents were strict and things almost everyone else was allowed to do, my parents didn't let us. I remember sitting in the dark, dressing in the cold etc due to money worries.
But underneath that they loved us and would do all they could. They encouraged us to be ambitious and supported us in trying to succeed.
I've had conversations with people who have had far worse childhoods than I had, where they've been horrified at some of the things I've said we did. But the difference is the love in the house.

You can get same situation, different decisions.
My dad and his brother were brought up with no money. The family put all their money into a venture when he was about 8 or 9 which failed, and they lost everything including their home. My gran worked 3 jobs a day until she retired in her 70s. My dad failed the 11+ (just after the venture failed) so went to the secondary modern, as did his brother.
My dad chose to not just do his CSEs/O levels, but stayed on and did his A-levels, including one at night school. He was working three jobs in evenings/weekends to pay for transport to school (they didn't do 6th form transport to the secondary modern) so he could run a motorbike, and for textbooks and to pay for the night school. He got a better grade in his A-level maths than his teacher, who took it at the same time as him, got. He went to university, and worked his way up to a high level in a company you all would have heard of.
His brother, two years younger, left school at 15 without sitting any exams. Got married through "necessity" and by 17yo had 2 babies, no qualifications, no job and nowhere for them to live. He ended up joining the army as he couldn't get anything else, and it probably saved his life, and that of his wife (and yes, they are still together). And he did brilliantly in it, and rose up the ranks.

Now I have no idea whether my grandparents thought my dad was wasting his money when he should have been working, or whether they held him up to his brother in an irritating way. Or if they never commented on the brothers at all.
What I do know is that they had the same opportunities but used them in different ways. They both admit to mistakes (although they hold that the other one broke their toy tractor). They both agree on some things and disagree on others.
Their paths diverged totally from the same upbringing. Could my uncle have done what dad did? Probably if he'd wanted to. I know my dad did seriously consider joining the army when he left school. What was the difference? I think partially ambition. My dad was and is very competitive and likes to be the best at all times.
But, you know, neither has ever even hinted that any of their failures were down to their parents. They've never held the failed business venture (which, tbh wasn't going to work ever) against them, even though it made their lives very difficult.

I don't know the answer op but I fall into the latter category. First 23 years of my life - had some truly awful and horrific times. I was determined to have a good life so I broke things off completely with my toxic mother and rebuilt my life. I used therapy to overcome my trauma. That was all ages ago and I'm really happy and content now. I can't believe any of it actually happened, just feels like a distant nightmare.

I think there is a big element of luck, we are all 'thrown' into the world and we land where we land.

I did a course via the council on childhood development. It was all very interesting and in one session we looked at a case study of a child with a very sad childhood - mother abandoned him, aunts didn’t really want him, not great at school. Regularly beaten etc. we were invited to guess who it was - Billy Connelly. Then we looked at the factors that helped him succeed. One teacher in particular believed in him and supported him. He was also in a sports club where the coaches were great. And finally when he went to work in Glasgow docks he was part of a group of strong solid men - (maybe in a Union, memory a bit foggy)? - and all of this external support from school sports and work helped him succeed.

Maybe it's because he was indulged and therefore knew from a young age that his parents would get him out of his fuck ups no matter what he did . My sister is the same a functioning alcoholic been through 5 marriages and other live in relationships and has brought lots of drama and money worries to my parents door . But they idolise her and won't see that some of her problems are of her own making .

Some people are more resilient and mentally stronger, they are also probably more confident, they may also had someone encouraging them to better themselves

I think you're comparing upbringings in too black and white a way. All the different kids have all the different experiences and have all the different responses. The majority of people who were treated poorly will struggle more, but that doesn't mean that being treated poorly = struggle more. It's all just likelihood.

Your own life is your own choice. Choosing a life of working rather than partying and spending money on drugs.

I think mindset also plays a part, wanting better for yourself, wanting to break the cycle. We can't help out childhood trauma but we are responsible for how we deal with it. A perpetual state of victim mode suits some people, it's there get out of jail free card, no need to take time and effort on self growth/ improvement. But others won't allow their childhoods to define them.

But what enables one person to choose to work rather than party? What enables you to make that choice?

genes, pre-birth factors, early childhood and environment. ‘Making the right choice’ is not the point, it’s what drives decision making a different people that is interesting.

Oh I see the choice and resilience brigade have arrived.

I honestly think it's down to personality.

My dad and his three siblings are all close in age, same parents, same shit upbringing. Neglect, physical and emotional abuse, both parents alcoholics, in and out of kids homes and foster care. Chucked out at 16 if not younger (dad was kicked out and homeless by 14).

One is lovely but mad as a box of frogs, extremely anxious to please and a compulsive liar.

One is nice enough but one of the most depressing people I've ever met with an amazing ability to put a negative spin on the happiest of situations.

One has unfortunately continued the cycle of abuse with her own daughter and is overall a deeply unpleasant person as well as being alcohol dependent.

My dad is lovely, caring, sane and has raised us kids brilliantly.

So four very different outcomes from an almost identical childhood.

I actually think about this a lot, my childhood wasn't the worst but certainly wasn't the best (alcoholic parent/ low level neglect etc) where as I have made it my life goal to ensure my child had a completely different childhood, my sister (who often talks about how shit our parents are has done the exact same thing as our parents & is giving her children the exact same or perhaps worse childhood, I cannot get my head round how she can criticise my parents for the exact same things her children need to deal with.

my sister and I were born into disaster. My mom had been a user since she was 15. She’d been in prison. My dad had been in borstal. He’d also used when he was younger: She was also on methadone when we were born.

My dad died when we were two, (he killed himself on a smack OD) we got taken off our mom and put with a foster families when we were 3, and then placed in a children’s home. There was potential SA, but as we were too young, they didnt ask us about it. My mom met a man that had been in prison for attempted murder on a woman. He was violent to us. He was an awful man. He told me my dad liked himself because I was ugly.

We moved around a lot (hostels and women’s refuges) we didn't complete a full year of school until we were in year 6 as we moved so much and as soon as we started a new class, we would move again.

We got taken off our mom 3 times after we were 3. We had terrible neglect. No clean clothes, house an absolute state, sometimes no food in. We saw people taking drugs, people gouching. Like the worst of the worst.

We got taken off our mom for the final time when we were 12, and we moved away.

Our mom died when we were 18 due to a methadone OD.

My sister and I are parents and we have learnt soo much from our childhood. By all accounts, we should be druggies ourselves. But we aren’t. We’re the most strait laced people you could meet. We live for our children.

I could never allow my child to live how I did. I lived with fear and neglect. I had anxiety since I was 4. My daughter comes home to a clean home, there’s food in the cupboards and my house smells nice.

I grew up seeing how people were, and thought “not for me”. We owe a lot to our aunties, as they showed us a better way to live. And we had nice things. We ate at a table and had a proper bed time.

I will always try and prove myself as an adult. I have to prove I’m not a scruff, I make sure my daughter has the best of everything, that she’s presentable as soon as she leaves the house.

Sometimes it makes you an awful person, sometimes it makes you a better one.

You could be me @FunnyMoone my childhood was in many respects a car crash, but my Grandparents were my safe people, reliable, wise and loving. They sacrificed an awful lot for me and DBro, if only I had appreciated it.

And yes,👍 the resilience I developed from not having the perfect childhood has made me who I am. Nobody ever lets me down, don't let them!

It's hugely complex and I think a lot of thinks impact it.

Personality - people differ in terms of sensitivity, determination and focus

Intelligence- it's much easier dig yourself out of something if school is a place you excel even if home life is awful. If school is just more struggles on top of existing difficulties it's much more difficult

Friends, Advocates & Other Supporters- all of this has an influence too.

Luck - definitely plays a part & timing of the positive things in life.

It's the same with a lot of other issues - drugs, crime, etc - all siblings raised in the same way, even in a stable household but end up take different paths in life.

Our dad's anger dominated our household and I was so relieved to move out of home. He was irritated and angry at least half of the time. For e.g If I didn't clean out the bath thoroughly after use he might take me to it, point in my face whilst yelling, ask is if I am dumb? Poke me in the collarbone. Describe the proper way to do it, oversee me do it then yell "has that got through your head now, has it?" I might not find my voice but would be yelled at until I answered croakily. He smacked us on the bum and legs but that stopped when we became teenagers. He didn't like us to speak out during his tellings off and talks and would yell, get in our faces, which was extra intimidating because he was very tall and stocky.

Mum, was passive and tended to avoid his anger towards us.

Two things I consider my saving graces:

• Despite dad's authoritative anger, he was academically sharp, for example if I asked him why the sky was blue he would provide a scientific explanation. This side of him instilled in me hunger for education and steered me from risky paths some of my peers with shite homes took like stripping, crime.
• Things like birthday parties, varied meals, haircuts were possible because of my mum. Although I still think she was wrong for not defending us I'm eternally grateful she added colour to our childhood. There's absolutely NO WAY we would've gone on so many day trips or had dress up parties etc if it wasn't for mum.

How it affects me now:
I am disproportionately afraid of conflict. I'm also prone to finding myself attracted to abusive men so I have to be careful there. I often rely on others to help me make big decisions.

My brother on the other hand has a quick temper and is combative way too hastily.. Basically we both struggle with handling confrontations and control in our own ways but to such an extent its impacted our relationships with others however we are aware of our problems and the root of them and have both made big changes.

Haven't RTFT but neuroplasticity differs between people and is a huge factor.

I agree. There are more influences in a child's life than just the neglectful/abusive/drug addicted parents. Grandparents and other relatives can make a difference to a child. It happens often these days that grandparents take grandchildren in when parents are inadequate for whatever reason.

You are the owner of your mind and brain, including your body and time. You chose what to do with all that. If this is not crystal clear, who would you blame it on - satan????