Can’t bring myself to notify my dads friend of his death

[bahhamburgers]

My dad died a few weeks ago. Particularly horrible death at the end of three long years with dementia, the last two in a care home. It’s just me, only family so I’ve had to fight every step of the way for him. I am exhausted from it. I sat next to him for his last three days/nights and was with him when he died.

My mum died when I was a young child and he met a woman when I was 14, she absolutely hated me and was just vile. They never lived together or married but were friends for 30 odd years. I left home at 16 and never had anything to do with her again really.

Two years ago when it was apparent that my dad, who was then 84 was getting ill (she is 20 years younger than him, for context, so not an elderly lady herself). I called her begged her for Help with him. There is no one else. No other family or friends. She refused. And she told me all sorts of horrible things, about how much he hated me, all the awful things he had said about me since I was young, how over the last few years he had been saying what an evil person I am. I ended up having to hang up. I’d already been though a year of hell begging HCP and social care for help, I couldn’t take being told how terrible I am on top of all that.

I was so upset, I hung up. She doesn’t have my contact details and my dad was too far gone to use his phone anymore and went into a care home the next week. we had tried him living with us, but my youngest child was a baby and it was too dangerous, we had a couple of close calls and I had to put my children’s safety first.

When he died, I had to call a couple of other friends that he’d left instructions to call. The same thing. They told me that he was always saying what a terrible person I am, how horrible I was to him, that I never bothered with him, how I never saw him (we saw him every week, I nursed him though cancer, he stayed with me during recovery from cancer ops, he told people I hadn’t bothered with him).

Why these people felt the need to tell me those things when I was calling them to tell them my father had died two days previously and I was crying, I’ll never know. It wasn’t true.

I don’t blame him though. From reading things he’d written over the last decade, I think the dementia had been present for a long time. He just hid it well. And I have learned no one would have cared anyway. I took him to his GP in desperation, he was sat there saying what a nice cruise ship it was and the GP kept insisting he was fine, just depressed. He ended up in hospital, hallucinating that aliens had taken the place over and social workers kept telling me he was fine and they had no concerns. So this was a long time coming. I think he was telling people I hated him so they would look after him on the days I couldn’t.

Anyway, I need to tell that woman. He would have wanted me to. He asked me to in a letter he wrote a few years ago.

I just can’t face the barrage of shit I know she will unleash. I don’t need to hear yet again how much my dad hated me. I’ve been though hell for him over the last few years. I’ve missed half my toddlers life dealing with everything (he was abused in one care home, I had to deal with it all, again, no one really cared).

Dh said he would do it. But part of me wants to scream how much I’ve been though. not just the last few years, but looking after him my whole bloody life.

Sorry this is so long.

If I was this awful person who hated him, believe me, I would have had a much easier life. I loved him so much.
I have to believe he was saying all that for attention (he’s been saying awful things about me since I was a teenager, according to all these dickheads who thought it was appropriate to tell me that), and it got worse when dementia started.

You can send a text to a landline. You might even be able to use one of those anonymous texting services to do it so she doesn’t get your number.

Yeah, there were so many red flags for the decade before he was diagnosed. But I think sometimes we just put things down to getting older because the thought of it being dementia is too horrible to think about.

And yes, I lost him twice. Dementia is horrific. when he died, the care home manager came in and said to me, “do not feel upset at yourself if you feel relief. That’s completely normal.”

I think your Dad would have wanted the best for you. I'm sure of that, despite his cognitive illness. Even though he wanted this woman told of his death, he may not have been in his full senses for a long time.

On that basis, and given her cruel attitude towards you, I'd just leave it and say nothing. Say a silent prayer or words to your Dad and explain why, then let it all go.

Nope. Dust your hands off of her, she doesn’t deserve any kindness at all.

So sorry to hear what you've been through. can't imagine why your dad's "friends" felt the need to share negative opinions with you. even though you don't owe this woman anything, it would clearly give you some degree of closure to let her know about your dad's passing. sent her a note.

I don't think you need to tell her but if you feel that you do because your dad asked you to, could you ask a friend to do it? Someone not emotionally connected will be able to shut her down, tell her the news, and hang up. I would happily do this for a friend.

I’ve spoken to dh about it.

He said he would do it, but he’s angry at her for upsetting me. And he really loved my dad and he’s angry at her for not helping us when we needed her.

He said he would be factual when he called, but he heard her on the phone to me, she’s like a stream roller he thinks she will just start spouting off and if she said anything about me, he said it would be difficult not to want to protect me. he’s not an angry person - he said he would probably just hang up, he’s got no desire to have an argument with a woman he’s never met.

I have one really good friend that I’ve known for years, I might ask her if she would do it. I would do it for her.

I feel I need to let her know or it might nag at me that I didn’t.

How terrible for you. Like others have said I'm sure this was his illness talking although why others would repeat this to you is beyond me.
Convey the facts to this woman, by text or letter if you can. If you have to speak to her make sure your number is hidden before you call.
You were there for him in his final monthsnot them. You did what you could for him

Is it worth asking your DH to phone them again and set the record straight and explain that your dad had dementia for a long time before it was diagnosed and you did so much for him? Just so you know your name is cleared ?

Send her a short text or letter. Maybe wait until you know funeral details. No need to rush to it, she wasn't interested in keeping in touch with him or you. Don't speak to her.

While it was hurtful to hear things that were untrue at such a horrible time, what other people think of me is none of my business. Especially people I don’t know and never have to contact again.

I would either not tell her or get a friend to call her on your behalf

Asking your friend to do it sounds like a good idea.

Failing that, do you know a friendly solicitor/legal assistant who could call and say that they have been given simple instructions to pass on the info that xyz had died on whatever date, the funeral had been and gone, and suggest that any donations be made to one of the dementia charities (which would hint very clearly as to cause of death)?

No need to have someone speak to her. After the funeral maybe just drop her a note and let her know he's died and maybe mention a donation to a dementia charity if you wish, but don't include your address.

I'm sorry for your loss and the pain it is causing you via other people.

You don't have to expose yourself to more nonsense.
Do you have anyone else who could ring and give a very simple message?

I'm so sorry you have had such a difficult few years, compounded by having to listen to abuse from several people who know very little about you and don't understand the situation. It's a them problem, not a you problem.

I'm not sure she needs to know but I understand the feeling of wanting to do everything that a dying person asked if you. It sounds like you will be driven to distraction otherwise. I would ask for DH to call her from a blocked number, charges are she won't answer and left a message while simply says "X passed away on X date following a long struggle with dementia. In a letter he had prepared many years prior to that, he had asked that you were informed so I'm letting you know".

Even if she does answer he can say the exact same or hang up if she becomes abusive.

Then you can draw a line under having to tell her and fixus more in you and want you now need. You must be drained after the last few years so mind yourself now.

Do you not know anyone who knows her that could give you more of her contact details?

I also found the below on google

You can send a text message to a landline the same way you'd send a message to a mobile number. From the text messaging screen of your mobile device, enter the recipient's 10-digit phone number in the To field, as you would with a regular text message.

@bahhamburgers

I am so sorry for loss. 💐 It is clear to see that you did absolutely everything you could for your dad. Please don’t give the nasty comments or awful woman headspace, although I appreciate this will be difficult.

Your story really touched me as my Dad died 5 years ago from dementia and the last ten years were harrowing. I understand your fight to try to get help and being rebuffed. We tried to get Dad diagnosed for years. His GP threw my mum out and refused to listen, citing patient confidentiality. She didn’t want him to tell her anything, just listen to her concerns. When she finally got Dad to agree to go the GP himself, he was treated for depression for years. I won’t even go into the fight we had to get his driving license revoked.

Mum managed his care with me moving in on weekends for 7 years post diagnosis and despite pleas for SS support, was told she didn’t need it. That was until he fell and injured his leg and SS refused to let him come home, saying mum couldn’t cope and carers wouldn’t work. They just shoved a care home brochure at us and told us find him a bed. He only lasted a few weeks in the home and we certainly would have managed (Mum was a specialist dementia nurse) With hindsight, he had begun to change in his late thirties/early forties which we believe were the early stages of the disease. He could say some cruel things but this wasn’t really him.

One of my elderly neighbours has Dementia and the stories she tells are shocking. She is forever telling anyone who listens how awful her daughter is for abandoning her and how her son is the only one who helps. Her daughter spends every weekend with her despite living 200miles away and her son died just after my dad. She also complains about never leaving the house despite neighbours and friends taking her out several times a week.

You have done an amazing job and are mourning, which has been made much harder by unnecessary hurtful comments. Feel free to PM me if you would like a chat or to sound off at someone who has been in a similar situation.

I think if it's doable by leaving a text message then I would do that.

You would have informed her as you feel that your dad wanted & that's that.

No, I don’t know anyone.

My dad didn’t have many friends at all, and the ones he did didn’t seem to know each other.

There is honestly no one that I could get any details from.

OP, don’t know if it’s been mentioned but you can text a landline.
well you can if it’s BT.
we used to get called on our landline, answer and it was a text being readout by an automated voice. ( sister had sent the text to the landline number instead of my mobile )

Another thought-given how she was when you contacted her & showing no interest in him-would your dad still want you to contact her?

I’m so sorry you went through the same.

My dad kept being told he was depressed too. I even got him to draw a clock face in front of a GP (it’s a pretty standard cognitive test). all the numbers were in one quarter, my dad thought it was correct. The GP said, “and what are you trying to prove? That you know better than me? What’s your medical training?” And refused to engage with me again.

My dad was still driving. That’s why I had to get him to come and stay with me. When I went to collect him, his neighbour told me he was mounting the curb, almost smashing into lampposts, he was going to kill himself or someone else.

No one cared. GP wouldn’t listen, DVLA are shit - they write to the person who holds the licence. All social services said were hide the keys. he would have got more, or bought another car.

I don’t think people realise how hard it is and how no one will help unless they have gone through it themselves. You read threads on here where people say, “contact social services and the GP” or, “contact the DVLA” and you know they haven’t gone though this hell, or they would know it’s not easy to get help.

Do you know, my husband has said the same thing. He and my dad were close, he said my dad told him all the running around he did for her, helping her out with things over the years.

I think he would have been hurt if he knew she had refused to help him/us when it was needed.

I just needed two weeks of her time. I needed her to stay in his new flat with him while the live in care company assessed his needs. They could only do it while he was living in his own home, but it was new, the sale had only just gone through. he didn’t know where he was. We couldn’t stay with him, dh works full time, we have 3 children, I was ill myself at the time and in and out of hospital and my youngest was a baby.

If she’d only have stayed with him for two weeks, he would have avoided a care home altogether and has 24 hour care in his own home. We would have paid for her every expense, she wouldn’t have had to do anything, carers would have come in while the assessments and OT things were done. We just needed a familiar face with him so he wouldn’t have been alone to burn the place down or walk out the door.

Two bloody weeks after knowing someone 30
years.

Dementia is a cruel and heartbreaking disease for both the person and the people that love and care for them. I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. Losing a loved parent is hard, take time to yourself.

You owe this lady nothing but if calling her to advise of your dad's passing is closure then I would advise your DH does it. If she spouts off, get your DH to put the phone down and cut connection.

Good luck and take care.