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Original poster

How do I say no . Boundaries/DV

92 replies

Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 15:32

I have changed user user name. Probably not much point but I have anyway.

I think I may get recognised and Probably very judged . Just hoping I'm wrong.

So the problem is I find it hard saying no to ds . He's almost 17 there have been past history of domestic violence from him towards me. That went on for a good few years. I never told anyone. And then it reached a peak/last straw everything came spilling out. At this point I kicked ds out . He ended up at his sisters house for a few weeks . Social services involved/worked with us and ds came back home . On the whole ds has got better compared to what he was.

But he's still very demanding, does not take no for an answer constantly agrgues his point . And his tone is pretty horrible. And more recently I have noticed he seems to be playing mind games with me and he's pretty nasty with them. This concerns me that we could be going down a Rocky road again and I can't let that happen.

So right now in ds room he has , gaming pc, ps4 was free, and an xbox. TV etc . Plus his phone.

I got ds a ps5 not long after they came out for Xmas. Few months later he sells it and buys an xbox. The one that cost around 250. So not newest one .

So now he's decided he wants a ps5 again and he's hassling me big time for it. Ds does get pip I think it's roughly 300 a month . At first I gave him the full 300 within days he was demanding money from me again. Then we switched it to weekly he was still demanding money. Then switched it to 12.50 per day . Now he it's at 150 in one payment then 12.50 every other day . He's not been overly bad on it but a few hiccups here and there.

So with the ps5 situation. It would mean it would have to go on credit. 30.00 a month for 12 months. This would mean a new set of credit. Which i don't want as its just more money owed. Ds is saying he will pay the 30.00 a month . But I don't trust it. I told him to save up for it he could have it within a month ish. But he's still in my face over it.

Obviously this is not just about the ps5 but it does play a part. But it's about me being able to say no and put in boundaries without the fear of him kicking off.

OP posts:
Honeysuckle16 · 15/02/2024 16:46

A very difficult situation for you. As your son is 17, you have parental responsibility for him and can lay down any ground rules you wish while he lives with you. However, your son has trouble keeping to these rules. To a large extent this is normal for any teenager but your son’s disability makes things more challenging.

I’ve never heard of a parent handing over all the PIP allowance to their child. While a 17 year old should have pocket money, the amount given to your son is excessive. He also needs to acknowledge that if he sells something then regrets this, it’s not your job to sort this out for him.

I think you need support in setting new ground rules and, unless you have a friend or family member who would be suitable, maybe the social worker could be involved again? Given previous DV, outside help is important for you.

Might also be a good time to think about what will happen when your son is 18. Will you want I’m to live elsewhere then? The social worker could help with options here.

Original poster
Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 17:13

We had social services involved. To be honest they were not really that helpful. I'm not sure if I can reach out to his CAMHS worker. I know she can't tell me stuff. But maybe i could tell her my concerns. And yeah the becoming 18 part does concern me .

OP posts:
Honeysuckle16 · 15/02/2024 17:20

The CAMHS worker sounds a good idea, anyone who can back you up in reaching a resolution. You should certainly be getting help. Some social workers are better than others in a set situation but you could ask for specific help from someone who has experience and success in working with older teenagers. In short, start phoning and say what you need. You’re in a very tough situation, maybe being abused emotionally and financially by your son. Could his sister help also?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

17 years old
Mrsjayy · 15/02/2024 17:24

Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 17:13

We had social services involved. To be honest they were not really that helpful. I'm not sure if I can reach out to his CAMHS worker. I know she can't tell me stuff. But maybe i could tell her my concerns. And yeah the becoming 18 part does concern me .

do this just reach out again I don't really know what has happened to get to this point but you are struggling but do not buy him anything not 1 thing he doesn't need a new console from you.

Original poster
Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 17:33

Honeysuckle16 · 15/02/2024 17:20

The CAMHS worker sounds a good idea, anyone who can back you up in reaching a resolution. You should certainly be getting help. Some social workers are better than others in a set situation but you could ask for specific help from someone who has experience and success in working with older teenagers. In short, start phoning and say what you need. You’re in a very tough situation, maybe being abused emotionally and financially by your son. Could his sister help also?

I think I'm going to have to take a risk. Because it's probably me to . Like a what if? A fear of. I'm not going to know till I truly put my foot down . So I'm gonna tell him no and that's it. And see what happens. I won't know till I take the risk.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 15/02/2024 17:54

just say its to much money he's already had 1 so definitely not. I'd also warn your support like your dd or whoever that you are saying no. you need to keep everything out in the open.

Original poster
Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 18:00

Mrsjayy · 15/02/2024 17:54

just say its to much money he's already had 1 so definitely not. I'd also warn your support like your dd or whoever that you are saying no. you need to keep everything out in the open.

It's nor as simple as a simple no . I can't say a point blank no just like that as its hus money. Its all thr complications of lt .

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 15/02/2024 18:28

ah OK I didn't realise it was tied into his pip sorry .

Mrsjayy · 15/02/2024 18:44

how do you want to say no ?

Original poster
Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 19:12

Mrsjayy · 15/02/2024 18:44

how do you want to say no ?

I just want to be able to explain to him that it will only take him 4 weeks to save up for it which is not long . And keep it positive.

It's his reaction that I'm concerned about. But I won't know till I have told him .

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 15/02/2024 19:21

does he like planning does he understand money ?

Skillest · 15/02/2024 19:40

I remember your threads.

You're negotiating too much. Children who are neurodiverse (which it sounds like) often struggle when they are not given clear black and white answers. The negotiating is giving him too many grey areas.

I believe he needs a clear "No, I am not paying for thus now or ever".

Then if he wants to use all his PIP, fine. You then must be the adult and not give in to giving him any extra money. That's on you, not him. Don't blame him if you end up supplementing him in pocket money all month, that would be 100% your fault.

So have a discussion. Explain that will happen. Or offer to help him save over 4 months. But don't baby him by making the decision for him. Help him make an informed decision amd understand the outcomes. Then don't rob him of the chance to learn and grow by seeing through the consequences of his choice.

Original poster
Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 20:01

Skillest · 15/02/2024 19:40

I remember your threads.

You're negotiating too much. Children who are neurodiverse (which it sounds like) often struggle when they are not given clear black and white answers. The negotiating is giving him too many grey areas.

I believe he needs a clear "No, I am not paying for thus now or ever".

Then if he wants to use all his PIP, fine. You then must be the adult and not give in to giving him any extra money. That's on you, not him. Don't blame him if you end up supplementing him in pocket money all month, that would be 100% your fault.

So have a discussion. Explain that will happen. Or offer to help him save over 4 months. But don't baby him by making the decision for him. Help him make an informed decision amd understand the outcomes. Then don't rob him of the chance to learn and grow by seeing through the consequences of his choice.

😔

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 15/02/2024 20:06

Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 20:01

😔

Show quote history

what does this Emoji mean?

Original poster
Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 20:12

Mrsjayy · 15/02/2024 20:06

what does this Emoji mean?

Show quote history

It means that the whole reply does not work . Ds is not neurodiverse. The domestic violence Side of it has been completely ignored . Things like it's on you etc etc. If I was to end up handing out extra money its because I'm scared of the outcome if I don't.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 15/02/2024 20:26

why does he get PIP? people really are just trying to help you with the little information they have , you asked for help or advice and that's all we are trying to do. I think you are being dismissive nothing anybody has said is helpful according to you.

SummerDays2020 · 15/02/2024 20:31

Does he have ADHD? My DP does and is forever changing between Playstation and Xbox.

Do you claim the PIP on his behalf or does he claim it himself? If he claims it himself why doesn't it go into his account? If he doesn't as you are giving him the whole lot you might as well put it in his name and into his account and remove yourself from the equation.

I get PIP for my 16yo DS and don't give it to him. He gets £50 per month allowance.

SummerDays2020 · 15/02/2024 20:38

Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 20:12

It means that the whole reply does not work . Ds is not neurodiverse. The domestic violence Side of it has been completely ignored . Things like it's on you etc etc. If I was to end up handing out extra money its because I'm scared of the outcome if I don't.

Show quote history

Ah, apologies I assumed ADHD. Do you mind telling us why he gets PIP?

I understand what you are saying about DV. It's all very well people saying do this/do that when if you are faced with DV you just have to do what you can to get by.

Have you told him you are scared of him? Does he know the consequences of he were to hurt you again?

Tinkerbyebye · 15/02/2024 21:00

If he gets that money and it’s his then he can spend it how he wants, but once it’s gone it’s gone. So he can get his ps5 but then has no more money for that month, and that’s what you keep saying no to

Skillest · 15/02/2024 21:22

But he's still very demanding, does not take no for an answer constantly agrgues his point . And his tone is pretty horrible.

Because you don't say no, he pushes until you say yes. Because he knows you will eventually say yes. Comes down to boundaries.

You would genuinely benefit massively from the parenting courses social care or family services could offer you. If you would accept them.

They explain in really clear terms the cause and effect of parenting. And how to overcome the challenges.

Obviously this is not just about the ps5 but it does play a part. But it's about me being able to say no and put in boundaries without the fear of him kicking off.

There isn't a magic wand.

It will be hard. But putting in those boundaries is necessary. You have to be able to say no. It is what is needed.

You know it is. I think your OP is asking for an easier way to say no and putjn boundaries. But there are no shortcuts and easy ways. It will be hard, this is not an easy aspect of being a parent.

Did your son act in a physically violent time again? Or just that single occasion when he threw a deodorant/perfume bottle in anger when he was 16?

Original poster
Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 22:24

Skillest · 15/02/2024 21:22

But he's still very demanding, does not take no for an answer constantly agrgues his point . And his tone is pretty horrible.

Because you don't say no, he pushes until you say yes. Because he knows you will eventually say yes. Comes down to boundaries.

You would genuinely benefit massively from the parenting courses social care or family services could offer you. If you would accept them.

They explain in really clear terms the cause and effect of parenting. And how to overcome the challenges.

Obviously this is not just about the ps5 but it does play a part. But it's about me being able to say no and put in boundaries without the fear of him kicking off.

There isn't a magic wand.

It will be hard. But putting in those boundaries is necessary. You have to be able to say no. It is what is needed.

You know it is. I think your OP is asking for an easier way to say no and putjn boundaries. But there are no shortcuts and easy ways. It will be hard, this is not an easy aspect of being a parent.

Did your son act in a physically violent time again? Or just that single occasion when he threw a deodorant/perfume bottle in anger when he was 16?

I have already made up my mind what im going to do.

But just for info it was a full bottle of hand wash. Which was 300mls . Now a image a full can of coke which is 330mls being thrown at you with force . It would hurt a hell of alot . The whole dv situation as a whole went on for a long time . Domestic violence should not be minimised because its from a child even more so if its an older child who's bigger and stronger. It's reasons like this that others in my situation don't talk up and its swept under the carpet. Because he's a teenager does mot make it OK.

It DV from children/teenagers really needs to be put out there more because it's not . Then again partner to partner dv was coveted up for maby years to and not fully recognised. So I should think it will be a long time till people truly understand DV from a child.

OP posts:
ilovemyspace · 15/02/2024 22:36

@Anypoint24 It DV from children/teenagers really needs to be put out there more because it's not . Then again partner to partner dv was coveted up for maby years to and not fully recognised. So I should think it will be a long time till people truly understand DV from a child.

Well said OP. You are speaking a truth that many people don't recognise or understand.......... and you know what you're talking about because you're speaking from first hand experience. There isn't a lot of help out there for people in your situation - but there should be more! x

Original poster
Anypoint24 · 15/02/2024 22:38

ilovemyspace · 15/02/2024 22:36

@Anypoint24 It DV from children/teenagers really needs to be put out there more because it's not . Then again partner to partner dv was coveted up for maby years to and not fully recognised. So I should think it will be a long time till people truly understand DV from a child.

Well said OP. You are speaking a truth that many people don't recognise or understand.......... and you know what you're talking about because you're speaking from first hand experience. There isn't a lot of help out there for people in your situation - but there should be more! x

Thank you. Sorry about typos . I forgot to check. But thank you for getting it.

OP posts:
ilovemyspace · 15/02/2024 22:41

@Anypoint24 You're doing so well in a shitty situation - never forget that! It may not help much, but it's true 💐

Skillest · 15/02/2024 22:42

Your behaviour as a parent will affect and change your child's behaviour.

Has he been phyically violent again since that moment of anger? I recall it was a one-off, I wondered if it's been repeated or remained an isolated moment of anger?

Moving back to your OP. It still remains that the way to improve the situation is to be able to say no to him and have firm, fair, well explained boundaries. Held with consistency.

Honestly, if there is a real liklihood that you'll buy him a PS5 he won't need to pay it from his own money - the best way to deal with that very negative outcome is to just pay for the PS5 yourself and not pretend he's paying you back for it. Remove the unnecessary battle. That's a really poor parenting outcome though, you need to know that. It's not helping your child become an adult, it's robbing him of the chance to grow.