How do I say no . Boundaries/DV

[Anypoint24]

I have changed user user name. Probably not much point but I have anyway.

I think I may get recognised and Probably very judged . Just hoping I'm wrong.

So the problem is I find it hard saying no to ds . He's almost 17 there have been past history of domestic violence from him towards me. That went on for a good few years. I never told anyone. And then it reached a peak/last straw everything came spilling out. At this point I kicked ds out . He ended up at his sisters house for a few weeks . Social services involved/worked with us and ds came back home . On the whole ds has got better compared to what he was.

But he's still very demanding, does not take no for an answer constantly agrgues his point . And his tone is pretty horrible. And more recently I have noticed he seems to be playing mind games with me and he's pretty nasty with them. This concerns me that we could be going down a Rocky road again and I can't let that happen.

So right now in ds room he has , gaming pc, ps4 was free, and an xbox. TV etc . Plus his phone.

I got ds a ps5 not long after they came out for Xmas. Few months later he sells it and buys an xbox. The one that cost around 250. So not newest one .

So now he's decided he wants a ps5 again and he's hassling me big time for it. Ds does get pip I think it's roughly 300 a month . At first I gave him the full 300 within days he was demanding money from me again. Then we switched it to weekly he was still demanding money. Then switched it to 12.50 per day . Now he it's at 150 in one payment then 12.50 every other day . He's not been overly bad on it but a few hiccups here and there.

So with the ps5 situation. It would mean it would have to go on credit. 30.00 a month for 12 months. This would mean a new set of credit. Which i don't want as its just more money owed. Ds is saying he will pay the 30.00 a month . But I don't trust it. I told him to save up for it he could have it within a month ish. But he's still in my face over it.

Obviously this is not just about the ps5 but it does play a part. But it's about me being able to say no and put in boundaries without the fear of him kicking off.

Why can't you just say no, you cannot afford it, and encourage him to get a Saturday job, or offer to clean the neighbours cars or something if he wants it sooner than he can save?

@Ariela if you read OP's posts, you'll see the solution isn't quite that easy

@Skillest not sure if you fully understand what OP is actually explaining??

@Honeysuckle16
Once a child turns 16 they switch from DLA to PIP and it's in their name so have a claim to it all.

Can you say why he gets PIP?

I understand your fear of him. It's obvious through all your posts.

Sorry I'm not sure why people need to know. The forms were filled in . There was evidence from CAMHS . He reached the criteria for it. And was rewarded .

I think people were trying to work out if he was neuro diverse to help them to give you advice. C

Oh right. Not sure why people did not ask if that's the case. I'm.not sure if it was why thought because dla/pip does not need a diagnosis. But he does not have autism or adhd .

You do have to state which medical conditions you have on the form. Then they ask you how these conditions cause you to have difficulty with the various descriptors.

I just explained how ds is. The things he does . The situations he puts himself in. Things he does etc .reports from his camhs worker . And also contact details of professionals.

I have a feeling you're being disingenuous.

I has to Google what that meant. But anyway . I thought you where being genuine . But since you felt the need to say that shows you were not . I thought you was looking at claiming yourself or someone you know. There for i told you that I just explained how my son is. Etc . Which is true that's what you do in a form . I do not need to explain things fully to you. I filled in the form . With evidence from professionals. That's it .

Sorry. I get PIP myself. I've just claimed it for my son (adult) and he was awarded because his autism and ADHD mean that he had difficulty with most of the PIP descriptors.

Anyway, if you're afraid of your son and his reactions when you say no to him, it sounds like a very hard situation for you, and you have my sympathy.

Have you been in touch with that organisation for parents who have violent, abusive children? I can't remember the name of it.

https://swaca.com/child-on-parent-violence-and-abuse/

If a person age 16 or over is deemed to have capacity, their PIP must be paid into their own bank account. I know several parents who have fought to have the money paid to them & lost as the DWP have said the young person had sufficient capacity.

So right now in ds room he has , gaming pc, ps4 was free, and an xbox. TV etc . Plus his phone.

Take them all away. Let him feel the consequences.

And phone the police if he gets violent. Women's Aid too.

You are giving him no future organisation of his life by pampering to him.

I'm a solo mum and will not be around for ever. You owe it to him to become an adult.

That's not quite right unless I have missed understood. A parent/carer can be a appointee. Meaning the money is paid to the parent/carer . The parents then gives it to the child /young person . As they see fit. This could be cash in small amounts . Or over 4 payments. It could even be In the forms of clothing for example or other things needed .

That gos against all the advice I have ever been given by professionals. So many people do not understand that its not about taking their stuff away . That may work for a child who does not have issues . But it does not for a child like mine. On the course I done we are told not to take stuff away as that is a bit like provoking them. This would also mean I expose my other children to violence/aggression which I'm.not willing to do.

The ps5 thing is not going to happen I'm not doing that . But im not going to take the stuff he has already

Why has this thread now derailed in to why does he get PIP?!? It really pisses me off that the OP was asking for some advice and some people sound bitter that he has been rewarded pip.
I don't have much advice OP but I really hope that you and your son can get the support that you obviously need. No mother should be scared of their child because of DV

To be honest I was getting unkind replies regarding the DV and the pip. It was just a bit hard seeing who was genuine. I have decided hiw to approach it anyway. Thank you 💐

What consequences has he had for the domestic violence? Have you called the police on him and had him arrested?

I'm pretty sure nobody was bitter because this young man gets PIP. I wasn't, anyway.

I think we were interested in the diagnosis, to help to frame a reply to the OP.

I think posters were trying to work out reasons (not excuses) for possible behaviour that's all and I also don't think people were trying to diminish his aggressive behaviour towards you. I understand you are stressed and upset but posters are genuinely trying to help you and you seem to be "fighting " us which will just add to your stress.

I'm not bitter or nosey just trying to understand an upset mother who is living with an aggressive teenager, this isn't a long thread maybe 3 posters enquired about the benefits because they were trying to advise accordingly..the op is struggling and also dismissing any suggestions.

.........the OP is struggling and also dismissing any suggestions

Yes. I seem to remember that her previous threads were similar.