How do I say no . Boundaries/DV

[Anypoint24]

I have changed user user name. Probably not much point but I have anyway.

I think I may get recognised and Probably very judged . Just hoping I'm wrong.

So the problem is I find it hard saying no to ds . He's almost 17 there have been past history of domestic violence from him towards me. That went on for a good few years. I never told anyone. And then it reached a peak/last straw everything came spilling out. At this point I kicked ds out . He ended up at his sisters house for a few weeks . Social services involved/worked with us and ds came back home . On the whole ds has got better compared to what he was.

But he's still very demanding, does not take no for an answer constantly agrgues his point . And his tone is pretty horrible. And more recently I have noticed he seems to be playing mind games with me and he's pretty nasty with them. This concerns me that we could be going down a Rocky road again and I can't let that happen.

So right now in ds room he has , gaming pc, ps4 was free, and an xbox. TV etc . Plus his phone.

I got ds a ps5 not long after they came out for Xmas. Few months later he sells it and buys an xbox. The one that cost around 250. So not newest one .

So now he's decided he wants a ps5 again and he's hassling me big time for it. Ds does get pip I think it's roughly 300 a month . At first I gave him the full 300 within days he was demanding money from me again. Then we switched it to weekly he was still demanding money. Then switched it to 12.50 per day . Now he it's at 150 in one payment then 12.50 every other day . He's not been overly bad on it but a few hiccups here and there.

So with the ps5 situation. It would mean it would have to go on credit. 30.00 a month for 12 months. This would mean a new set of credit. Which i don't want as its just more money owed. Ds is saying he will pay the 30.00 a month . But I don't trust it. I told him to save up for it he could have it within a month ish. But he's still in my face over it.

Obviously this is not just about the ps5 but it does play a part. But it's about me being able to say no and put in boundaries without the fear of him kicking off.

it's confusing, if the op just wants to vent then.carry on asking and then dismissing every suggestion is just taking up energy.

Anypoint24 · Yesterday 17:13

We had social services involved. To be honest they were not really that helpful. I'm not sure if I can reach out to his CAMHS worker. I know she can't tell me stuff. But maybe i could tell her my concerns. And yeah the becoming 18 part does concern me .

The above is a copy and paste on eBay o saud I was going to do on page one

have already made up my mind what im going to do.

This is another copy and paste of a reply

You don't need a diagnosis to get pipe. If people want to know if he does have a diagnosis thrm they can say does he have s diagnosis. Pip does not need to be mentioned

The very first question on the PIP/ADP form asks you to enumerate your health conditions and disabilities.

You are also required to send in medical evidence to back up what you say - so you can name doctors who will confirm your diagnoses.

Of course you need diagnoses. The determination then gives you the reason why the DWP/SSS gave you points for the various descriptors, mentioning the diagnoses accordingly.

I've very recently completed my son's PIP form (actually it was ADP because we're in Scotland but it's essentially the same form).

I've also done my own application and appeal, about five years ago.

So you are living on fear of physical violence if a large nearly adult male doesn’t get his way?

I speak as a mum of two kids that are autistic and have melt downs if they don’t get their own way

I suggest with the biggest heart that you take him somewhere for a coffee with a friend - out of the house - and tell him firmly that he had a ps5 and sold it - on repeat and that if he wants anything from now on he will be given £150 (half so that half goes towards food : his phone : the electricity bill etc and treats that you decide) and he will have to save up

he might storm off / in which case you return home with your friend

if he is a problem abuse is assault - verbal or other wise draw a line in the sand and say no I deserve respect you are out

Well you mentioned PIP it was you who said he gets pip that I give him he wants to buy another ps5 with his PIP .people asking what does he get PIP for is asking does he have a diagnosis of "something " that may or may not affect his behaviour towards you, and you absolutely do need a diagnosis of a health condition to receive a disability benefit!

The only reason I mentioned pip was to explain that ots his money. That does nlt mean I need to be over questioned about the pip

If you ready my posts you will see evidence and detales of professionals were sent. You do not have to haveca diagnosis

nobody over questioned you 2 or 3 posters asked once about his benefit that's all nobody actually cares why they just wanted a better idea how to frame responses that's why they asked.

That sounds like a really really bad government decision.

I think because if we understood his condition and the reason why he got paid then we could give better advice.

I don't think that's true at all.

You can think what you like but the reality is that I personally was interested to know your son's diagnosis/es so that I could better understand how his disabilities affect his day-to-day life and responses to things. It wasn't to challenge you or tell you that your son was not entitled to PIP.

For example - I have three autistic children (all adults now) and I am very well-versed in knowing how they are likely to behave and respond to various situations and stressors.

I am disabled myself - I am both autistic and physically disabled.

I have completed a number of PIP/ADP forms over the years.

There is no shame in admitting to a diagnosis and it really does help when you're asking for advice about extreme and violent behaviour. So many of us have been on the receiving end of it. I certainly have (from my ex-husband) so I absolutely sympathise with you. Nobody deserves to be afraid of being assaulted, whether it's an assault from a teenage boy (who I daresay is now the size and strength of a man) or an intimate partner.

If you'd try to get past the notion that some people are objecting to your son getting PIP you might receive some useful support.

Awful situation for you to be in.

I completely understand. I have a teenager with additional needs. School and CAHMS have been no help. Life at home is very difficult. If a partner treated me like this there would be cries of LTB! But there is no escape from your own child.

Having firm boundaries in place has made not one iota of a difference to my teen. No matter how firm we are, or what the consequences are, they continue to be aggressive, intimidating and completely unreasonable. Most people have no idea what it’s like.

My other child is neurotypical. Parenting her is not even remotely comparable. I’m sure if she was my only child I might be one of those smug parents dishing out advice about how you need to be more firm.

When I have to share something with my teen that I know isn’t going to go down well, sometimes they respond better if it’s via text and not face to face. If it has to be face to face, it’s easier if I have another adult in the room who agrees with me. Most of the time I’m on my own though, and it’s so much harder.

If that was the case people could have just said does he have a diagnosis/what are his difficulties etc . No one needs to ask why is he getting pip . What did you say on the forms there's no need for any of that. There's really not .

Okay.

I'm sorry if I've upset you.

I wasn't seeking to upset you. I don't read anyone here who is. But I can see you seem defensive and I'm sorry if I caused that.

What are your son's difficulties and/or additional needs?

How long has he been violent towards you, OP? Since he was a little boy?

Well that's up to you how you perceive it my intention was to try and help you and understand what would work you don't want to say no to your son is the basis of your thread you want people to tell you it's fine just let him have the console .

Thank you. Yes mine is similar. Although I think CAMHS is helping him a bit . As things have improved compared to several months back. And yes i have other children and do not have this problem.with his siblings.

For the texting makes no difference really . He sends me abusive/nasty messages then often comes into the room.

Hes seeing his camhs worker today. So I'm going to tell him no to the ps5 a while before he gos to see her . Then maybe he will talk to her about how angry/upset he is. Plus ot means he's going to be leaving the house for a bit

Would it help if you told him that it wouldn't take long for him to save up to buy the PS5 anyway?

Or does he prefer instant gratification?

He wants everything now/yesterday. I have Already decided. I'm going to tell him it would only take him some of this payment. Some of his next one in 4 weeks time meaning he can get the ps5 in 4 weeks . Abd that he cant always have what he wants right away.

It's good that you've come to a decision and I hope he doesn't respond with aggression.

Have you got a panic button? My best friend's son used to be very abusive to her and she got one put in by the police because he would come round to her place when he was drunk and knock her about.

DLA is also in their name and the parent must manage it in the DC's best interests. PIP can also be managed by the parent and there is no requirement for them to give it to their DC to spend on what they like.