What would you do next if your mother said this to you?

[ohhasitbeenaroughfewdays]

Quick context first I guess: currently away with my mum abroad. I'm mid thirties she's mid sixties. Staying with a friend of hers. Her friend is a control freak and has moments of being quite nasty - like she will snap or shoot you down/tell you off in a very rude abrupt manner as if you're six years old. Friend is also her age.

She does this to my mum at times too but has been doing it to me increasingly so over the past few days. I won't go fully into the detail but it was getting to me so I was withdrawing, leaving the communal spaces early etc. It came to a bit of a head a few days ago, where the friend was being massively selfish and unreasonable/unaccommodating - at point I said it's beyond silly now and we need some fairness.

Cut to yesterday and I asked if they could hang on for two mins while I made a coffee to take out with us (they expect us to do all things together so me wanting to do anything solo is frowned upon, but that's another issue!) - the type of coffee with pods in a portable cup I have so would have taken a couple minutes. Friend screamed absolutely not, she's hardcore strict at timings even though it's not like we had a fixed arrival time, so I snapped at this point and said I'm just going to stay here please go without me. And so they did, locking me in as well! Then they didn't even leave in the car for almost ten mins so clearly I had time for the coffee, it's like it was a power move.

Anyway, before they left I said to my mum this is stupid now and while she may accept being treated like it, I won't anymore, I'm an adult and there is no respect here for either of us. I had been so upset I was crying, my mum hasn't asked once if I was okay and just told me to stop being so stroppy. Basically she had just turned into the friend (who she essentially wants to be so it's no surprise) at this point - so I just said to her why would you notice as you're so far up Friends arse you probably can't see daylight

That was that.. they went off out and then a few hours later friend apologises which feels all a bit disingenuous but people pleaser that I am said it's no problem at all we go on with our day etc out for lunch. I just keep up the pretences and smile, laugh, polite, do what's expected at this point. Then when we return back I want to pack as thank fuck we are leaving the next day (today), but was told no I need to go and sit with Friend's friends who have come over to meet me.

I'm fresh out of fucks to give at this point and no patience at all, and said to my mum I wish you'd have my back a bit more, I'm not enjoying myself and need some time to myself after everything.

She then said "I'm sorry I'm not the perfect mother, if you don't like it, you can walk away!!"

And she walked off... and then I had to go and sit with Friends friends.. tow the line, put on the performance of my life while mum plays mother of the year too pretending all is well, discussing my upcoming wedding, job, basically feeling like I'm there as some kind of attraction to show around! I got through that, with the help of a few drinks, as not to make it awkward for these friends who in fairness seemed nice and just wanted conversation with people from the same country (these people are all expats)

I made my excuses once they'd left to get back and pack.. my mum ignored me all night, blanked me again this morning, removed her toothpaste from the bathroom so I couldn't use it.. and then comes asking for my hairdryer when she realised she needed it!

Last night I had to fight to not cry myself which I know is ridiculous as a fully grown adult. But I just feel so let down and it's like I've realised my mum isn't this lovely person I thought. We have been close for years at home but wasn't always this way - I've been reflecting back on everything now and I've got myself really upset.

I'm not sure what to do now, what to say or how to play this. I have to fly back to the UK with her later.. and at the moment I just want some space and distance from her to process this.

Any advice? My friends and parents in law are horrified, but I'm wondering now if I'm being too emotional here?

Thank you to anyone who responds

Is it possible to move this to a different board, I thought this would be all relationships, maybe it's better suited to chat or AIBU? How do I do this?

I winder whether she just behaves differently in a different environment with this particular friend?

Sorry you feel so let down . How long were you both staying with this friend? A month, a week ? Why I ask is , is there a chance you both had overstayed your welcome and the friend was feeling annoyed by it ? I’m not suggesting this is your fault at all , I’m just trying to get a better picture of situation. !

Don't generalise from this holiday. If she's usually nice I can only assume this is how she reacts to stress.

Yadnbu
That was awful behaviour from your DM.
She should have had your back, and taking the toothpaste was spiteful.

When you get back, distance yourself from her and give yourself time to assimilate the behaviour.

She should apologise to you.

I’m glad you’ve got good support at home.

This sounds utterly exhausting and I'd feel exactly the same way as you.
I think your mum said what she said and behaved the way she did because you hurt her. You said she was so far up her friend's arse etc. I think that really upset her which is why she's being cold now and why she said "Why don't you just walk away".
Don't get be wrong, I can completely understand why you said what you said but now you're both very upset.
Regarding how I'd play it - if it was me I think I'd just try and smooth things over with my mum. On the way home I'd have a little chat with her in a very gentle, non-confrontational way explaining that you found the friend very bossy and you struggled with being ordered around. I'd apologise for losing my temper with her (your mum) but just say it was the last straw when the friend screamed at you and said you couldn't have a coffee. Hopefully she'll also back down and maybe apologise for the situation.

OK I guess this thread isn't moving so I'll reply to things here.

She is different around this friend for sure. I told her that. And it's not nice.

But my main question here is, is what she said to me acceptable? Because I feel completely broken by it to be quite honest.

I don't really care about the aspects with the friend, as they aren't in my life 24/7

It's been a week. They love having us here apparently.. so much so that when I've suggested doing stuff on my own I've been told no. My mum comes several times a year, they love entertaining in general and make a fuss inbetween the rudeness and selfish awful comments. I say they, the husband is lovely.

What is your mum normally like? This sounds very like narc behaviour to me.

So the comment is fair game then?

She is "usually nice" however also said she would disown me in a family issue a few months ago, but that's another story and again, me trying to help her (staying behind to clear her mums house with the siblings she hates, to ensure she got sentimental items - she said leave with her or she would disown me, and I decide to stay to get her those things)

There are others. So not an isolated incident. But nothing like it for years til recently, but was in childhood I guess.

I wouldn't go to the friends with your mother again if I were you, OP. I would also be having a word with my mother once we were back home. Maybe go away with a friend or solo in future?

Thank you. I'm glad someone sees where I'm coming from, I couldn't bring myself to say something like that, seems really spiteful! I'm so hurt by it.

Oh I'm definitely not coming back! Friend said they can't wait to have me back.. bought me gifts to take home etc.. it's very bipolar to be honest. Like a sour patch kid

Honestly I think it's a case of a bad mix of personalities and circumstances on holiday.
During some holidays we spend a lot of intense time with people we wouldn't have to otherwise. It can prove too much. Your mum will be stressed too. It isn't easy to oppose the person who is hosting you. It's her house so you're both at an immediate disadvantage.

I agree with you - time to process would be ideal. It's not possible though...you have to keep yourself calm until you are back at home and able to breathe.

For now, keep on keeping on. You have my sympathy.

My friends and parents in law are horrified, but I'm wondering now if I'm being too emotional here?
It all sounds very emotional! How quickly were you on to your friends and inlaws to go over it all? Did you need to tell your inlaws about the fall out as soon as it happened or did you tell your partner who told them?

I'm a similar age to you, with a mother close in age to yours, and I wouldn't dream of going on holiday with her and her friend. I find it tricky spending time with my mum as it is, and the dynamics of mother/daughter plus mother/friend would be too difficult to navigate. That's without the added difficulty of such an unpleasant friend.

Cut your losses, go home, and don't go on holiday with your mum and friend again.

I think if I was going to my moms friends house for holidays I'd expect to be towing the line and dancing to her tune (which is why I don't) so there's a bit of that. You were maybe viewing her accommodation as a base or that you'd all be equals where she sees herself the host and you're the difficult guest.

I don't think apologising for not being the best mother and telling you to walk if you don't like her is horrific. Especially because she was probably expecting an apology for being so far up the friends arse. Also I'd imagine they waited 10 mins in the car because of the big row, they were probably upset.

Finally she packed her toothpaste. Don't look at it like she hid it from you. She packed it along with her other things and I'm sure you could have asked for it like she asked for the hair dryer.

Why are you phrasing it like that, as if it's some kind of gossip mongering? I was crying in my room upset, so I don't think it's unreasonable to go to them for support? I'm extremely close to my in laws, and my partner initially told her, if that makes a difference.

Doubt she would pack her toothpaste and not her toothbrush, but ok, you seem to have a handle on everything, were you there?

She didn't walk off upset, she was happy.

@ohhasitbeenaroughfewdays you're asking opinions from people who weren't there!!!!! To be honest your response to me has just made me further on your mothers side/up her arse

This won't be a popular response but aren't you being just a tad self-centred and melodramatic?

Because you're full of assumption! My mum walked out and was fine, they were just waiting for friends husband to get into the car because he's not so able bodied and takes a while. Which is totally fair, I just meant it as in there didn't need to be a drill sergeant attitude as to why I couldn't quickly make coffee. It had happened several times and I had ran out of patience with it.

She did hide the toothpaste, as she knew I was borrowing it because I took one out that I wasn't a fan of.. it was gin and tonic flavoured and a bit grim. She had all her other things in the bathroom, so I'm just saying it how it is, because you're changing everything about the story so I'm getting it straight and answering factually.

Also it wasn't a big row with my mum, it was a quiet conversation.

The mums friend sounds awful and your mum is a meek people please. You are right HOWEVER I think you should have stuck up for yourself a bit more and put firm boundaries in place instead of continuing out to lunch.
Locking you in the house is absolutely psycho

May I ask why? If your mum said if you don't like it to walk away and you get upset, is that an overreaction then?

I've not been dramatic at all, I've kept quiet and done all they've asked of me all week. I've not made anything about me at all, so just interested to know what is self centred here?