What would you do next if your mother said this to you?

[ohhasitbeenaroughfewdays]

Quick context first I guess: currently away with my mum abroad. I'm mid thirties she's mid sixties. Staying with a friend of hers. Her friend is a control freak and has moments of being quite nasty - like she will snap or shoot you down/tell you off in a very rude abrupt manner as if you're six years old. Friend is also her age.

She does this to my mum at times too but has been doing it to me increasingly so over the past few days. I won't go fully into the detail but it was getting to me so I was withdrawing, leaving the communal spaces early etc. It came to a bit of a head a few days ago, where the friend was being massively selfish and unreasonable/unaccommodating - at point I said it's beyond silly now and we need some fairness.

Cut to yesterday and I asked if they could hang on for two mins while I made a coffee to take out with us (they expect us to do all things together so me wanting to do anything solo is frowned upon, but that's another issue!) - the type of coffee with pods in a portable cup I have so would have taken a couple minutes. Friend screamed absolutely not, she's hardcore strict at timings even though it's not like we had a fixed arrival time, so I snapped at this point and said I'm just going to stay here please go without me. And so they did, locking me in as well! Then they didn't even leave in the car for almost ten mins so clearly I had time for the coffee, it's like it was a power move.

Anyway, before they left I said to my mum this is stupid now and while she may accept being treated like it, I won't anymore, I'm an adult and there is no respect here for either of us. I had been so upset I was crying, my mum hasn't asked once if I was okay and just told me to stop being so stroppy. Basically she had just turned into the friend (who she essentially wants to be so it's no surprise) at this point - so I just said to her why would you notice as you're so far up Friends arse you probably can't see daylight

That was that.. they went off out and then a few hours later friend apologises which feels all a bit disingenuous but people pleaser that I am said it's no problem at all we go on with our day etc out for lunch. I just keep up the pretences and smile, laugh, polite, do what's expected at this point. Then when we return back I want to pack as thank fuck we are leaving the next day (today), but was told no I need to go and sit with Friend's friends who have come over to meet me.

I'm fresh out of fucks to give at this point and no patience at all, and said to my mum I wish you'd have my back a bit more, I'm not enjoying myself and need some time to myself after everything.

She then said "I'm sorry I'm not the perfect mother, if you don't like it, you can walk away!!"

And she walked off... and then I had to go and sit with Friends friends.. tow the line, put on the performance of my life while mum plays mother of the year too pretending all is well, discussing my upcoming wedding, job, basically feeling like I'm there as some kind of attraction to show around! I got through that, with the help of a few drinks, as not to make it awkward for these friends who in fairness seemed nice and just wanted conversation with people from the same country (these people are all expats)

I made my excuses once they'd left to get back and pack.. my mum ignored me all night, blanked me again this morning, removed her toothpaste from the bathroom so I couldn't use it.. and then comes asking for my hairdryer when she realised she needed it!

Last night I had to fight to not cry myself which I know is ridiculous as a fully grown adult. But I just feel so let down and it's like I've realised my mum isn't this lovely person I thought. We have been close for years at home but wasn't always this way - I've been reflecting back on everything now and I've got myself really upset.

I'm not sure what to do now, what to say or how to play this. I have to fly back to the UK with her later.. and at the moment I just want some space and distance from her to process this.

Any advice? My friends and parents in law are horrified, but I'm wondering now if I'm being too emotional here?

Thank you to anyone who responds

I think it sounds as though your mum upset you, and you upset your mum, and you are both hurt and angry.
Newsflash - your mum is human too. She has feelings and emotions just like you do. You seem to feel as though she has to be some goddess like person who should always put your feelings above hers and that might have been so when you were a child, but reality check time, you are an adult now, an adult female just like your mother is.

Honestly, the point at which they locked you in would have been the point at which I packed my stuff and took a cab to the airport. And I'm 100% serious about that. The situation wasn't working and nobody should have to tolerate the way they were behaving to you.

Keep some distance from your mum for some time and think about what kind of relationship you want with her going forward. And needless to say, never go on holiday with her again or have anything to do with this friend.

Some weird responses on this thread.

I can't conceive of a normal person who would insist guests - especially a generation younger guest do everything together with them all the time. It's odd on both your mum and her charming friend's part.

You should have been able to do your own thing sometimes and it be no issue.

The other behaviour.... Fuuuuuck.

Your Mum sounds like she has a personality disorder and is very easily led. It's like she became a mean girl against you with her mad, nasty mate.

I think you are being overly dramatic in response to your mother's comment. The friend was rude and you should have responded to that. What your mother said reads to me as if she's a bit fed up of you picking at her. Stop gathering opinions on it, make peace with your mum and get over it - I don't know why anyone should be horrified by this.

Good grief! So many posters here clearly on glue! Why spend so much energy looking for fault with @ohhasitbeenaroughfewdays

some people have great parents, other people have shit parents.

read between the lines and it seems like @ohhasitbeenaroughfewdays mother HAS been iffy with her but it’s now starker as she’s had the chance to see how other people live and treat each other

@ohhasitbeenaroughfewdays you asked what to do.

the answer to this is whatever you feel is appropriate. I’ve cut my parents of for similar behaviour tbh, and while it’s sad, I don’t regret it. They damaged so much in my self esteem and self worth, it caused really bad issues for me.

when you’re him, take a step back and Process what you’re thinking and feeling.

You have your wedding coming up, that’s tricky to negotiate but if you wanted to change plans to suit yourself, that’s also an option.

You can draw a line in your life

OP, it sounds like the issues on the holiday probably dragged up feelings and memories of a time when your relationship with your mother wasn’t the best? You say she left when you were around 16 and you were left with your Nan, perhaps her behaviour around this friend and her inability to stand up for you felt like she was putting something or someone above your needs again? Maybe it made you question the progress you’ve both made in the last few years?

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re in the wrong - I could never imagine letting a friend talk to my child (adult or not) in such a demanding or aggressive way.

I think maybe a period of space from your mum on your return may be beneficial so that you have space and time to work through your feelings, and then a sit down conversation with her to let her know how you were made to feel on the holiday once the dust has settled?

I'm so confused because there are responses like this and then responses saying I'm a self centred brat. It's really hard to decipher.

It's a discussion board. There aren't many threads where there's unanimous agreement. Also, these sorts of situations are often not one-sided.

I remember my mother once saying that while she knew I was in a more responsible job than some of her colleagues, she couldn't really see me like that. Which is okay in a lot of ways, because she was still my mum, but I did often feel myself reverting into a 16yo when I was back home, especially as she wouldn't ever discuss anything remotely emotionally difficult, which meant it didn't bring out the best in me, either. I suspect a similar dynamic could be going on here? Do you revert back to childhood patterns of behaviour between you?

Having said thst, it would drive me insane to stay somewhere where they were really regimented about time when it didn't matter and I didn't get any free time - if I stay with friends or family, I think it's usually good for us to have an afternoon or at least an hour here and there, where we do our own thing. Locking you in is ridiculous.

I wouldn't go on holiday like thst again.

You say she left when you were around 16 and you were left with your Nan

I missed that.

She's a bit of a shit mother, isn't she?

Not perfect..... Well there's a big range from not perfect to shit and she's definitely towards the shit end ..... But that's a nice convenient little deflective/dismissive/passive aggressive response "so sorry for not being perfect".

She sounds pretty awful. And it comes out more around her mad friend.

Because you're saying you had a tiff with your mother, and you've quickly been on the phone to friends, partner and inlaws telling them how awful you've been treated?
Why is it ok for you to say mean things but dreadful to have anything said to you?

It's totally normal to speak to partner, family etc about unpleasant, stressful experiences and very poor behaviour on other people's parts.

100% human and normal.

What mean things had op been saying??

The truth.

How is that a mean thing exactly?

Very very strange post.

I actually agree with the poster who suggested that you look into finding a decent therapist to explore your relationship with your mother.
There is obviously a deeper issue there than the one presented in your original post.
I am no therapist, although I have been in therapy for the past few years and I myself have a rather complicated relationship with my mother, but there are a few things that caught my eye in your posts, the most obvious one being when she told you that you could walk away when it was actually her who did this when you were 16. Her "walking away" at that time is a form of abandonment and I don't think you have processed it properly. No wonder you feel so upset. The "walking away" triggered you and rightly so. It could be that when she said what she said all you heard was I walked away because you were not a prefect daughter as according to your mum's logic people walk away when somebody is not perfect. That would be my guess, but as I have already said I am no therapist.
My warmest and most sincere recommendation and advice to you is to find a good therapist. It is expensive, but it is definitely an investment worth making. My only regret is for not doing it earlier.

You could have simply bought a coffee out. The friend wanted to go. You really didn't need to make an issue of it. That's childlike behaviour, it's literally stamping your feet and saying "but I want to" and you clearly can't see that it is. That is the issue. There's times you just need to suck things up especially when staying in a virtual stranger's home for an excessive amount of time even if you have been invited.

Or they could simply have chilled out and waited 2 more mins for op to make the coffee.... She said they were in the car for another five minutes before they left.

It's equally valid in the other direction.

Why is their behaviour not childish, impatient, foot stamping behaviour?

It is in fact, it was worse than childish and foot stamping - they locked her in. That's unhinged and potentially dangerous

I'd stop going away with your mum or her friend if I were you.

Very very very VERY strange response...
Yes calling partner to say had a tiff with mum am upset, but friends (so multiple people) partner and inlaws? Bit excessive.

Because it was not the OPs home. Not here place to call the shots. I agree locking her in is downright dangerous and unhinged behaviour but that is a separate issue.

OP you seem most concerned about the actual comment, which has hurt you really badly.

If it helps, when I read it I just sense desperate insecurity on your mum's part- 'I'm sorry if I'm not the perfect mother - if you don't like it you can walk away" is the defensive version of a very deep vulnerability, with the true message "I know I am deep down unloveable and faulty, and I'm afraid you will walk away because of it"

That doesn't make it ok. And the fear of abandonment fuels a huge amount of unpleasant and even abusive behaviour, which does NOT excuse it. But in terms of feeling hurt/injured, perhaps thinking of it as the second sentence is helpful?

I agree! You're 'broken' by this comment? Just don't holiday with your mum again. People pleasing and 'putting on the performance of your life' is nuts. Just have some boundaries - that comment was unnecessary for eg. Repeat. Use your words!!! You keep saying you're an adult so if you're not happy - voice that!

I can't believe people are taking the mother's side. The mother and friend were behaving appallingly.

I think there's being different around the friend and then there's being down right nasty. If she was weak willed and couldn't stand up to the friend, that's one thing. But she has actively taken friend's side - and the toothpaste thing and blanking you, WTF? Is this high school? You say she's not as lovely as you thought - have a think back over your relationship with you. What can you objectively see that has been "lovely" (and selfless, rather than lovely for her and you've benefited from it) and what hasn't been lovely but you've been able to justify/rationalise it? If you do see it's all been lovely than maybe this is an aberration and you can just decide to not go on holidays with this friend in the future.

What do you think would happen if, after this holiday, you tell your mother all what you have written above? On past behaviour, do you think she would be understanding or reactive?

So reading between the lines, OP feels her mother said 'if you don't like me as a mum, well, tough titties, I'm not going to change or apologise, you can just do one'
Don't think I'd be too impressed if I'd heard that, either. It's a bit of a slap in the face.

This! You did nothing wrong!

They locked you in the house?! WTF?

This!