What would you do next if your mother said this to you?

[ohhasitbeenaroughfewdays]

Quick context first I guess: currently away with my mum abroad. I'm mid thirties she's mid sixties. Staying with a friend of hers. Her friend is a control freak and has moments of being quite nasty - like she will snap or shoot you down/tell you off in a very rude abrupt manner as if you're six years old. Friend is also her age.

She does this to my mum at times too but has been doing it to me increasingly so over the past few days. I won't go fully into the detail but it was getting to me so I was withdrawing, leaving the communal spaces early etc. It came to a bit of a head a few days ago, where the friend was being massively selfish and unreasonable/unaccommodating - at point I said it's beyond silly now and we need some fairness.

Cut to yesterday and I asked if they could hang on for two mins while I made a coffee to take out with us (they expect us to do all things together so me wanting to do anything solo is frowned upon, but that's another issue!) - the type of coffee with pods in a portable cup I have so would have taken a couple minutes. Friend screamed absolutely not, she's hardcore strict at timings even though it's not like we had a fixed arrival time, so I snapped at this point and said I'm just going to stay here please go without me. And so they did, locking me in as well! Then they didn't even leave in the car for almost ten mins so clearly I had time for the coffee, it's like it was a power move.

Anyway, before they left I said to my mum this is stupid now and while she may accept being treated like it, I won't anymore, I'm an adult and there is no respect here for either of us. I had been so upset I was crying, my mum hasn't asked once if I was okay and just told me to stop being so stroppy. Basically she had just turned into the friend (who she essentially wants to be so it's no surprise) at this point - so I just said to her why would you notice as you're so far up Friends arse you probably can't see daylight

That was that.. they went off out and then a few hours later friend apologises which feels all a bit disingenuous but people pleaser that I am said it's no problem at all we go on with our day etc out for lunch. I just keep up the pretences and smile, laugh, polite, do what's expected at this point. Then when we return back I want to pack as thank fuck we are leaving the next day (today), but was told no I need to go and sit with Friend's friends who have come over to meet me.

I'm fresh out of fucks to give at this point and no patience at all, and said to my mum I wish you'd have my back a bit more, I'm not enjoying myself and need some time to myself after everything.

She then said "I'm sorry I'm not the perfect mother, if you don't like it, you can walk away!!"

And she walked off... and then I had to go and sit with Friends friends.. tow the line, put on the performance of my life while mum plays mother of the year too pretending all is well, discussing my upcoming wedding, job, basically feeling like I'm there as some kind of attraction to show around! I got through that, with the help of a few drinks, as not to make it awkward for these friends who in fairness seemed nice and just wanted conversation with people from the same country (these people are all expats)

I made my excuses once they'd left to get back and pack.. my mum ignored me all night, blanked me again this morning, removed her toothpaste from the bathroom so I couldn't use it.. and then comes asking for my hairdryer when she realised she needed it!

Last night I had to fight to not cry myself which I know is ridiculous as a fully grown adult. But I just feel so let down and it's like I've realised my mum isn't this lovely person I thought. We have been close for years at home but wasn't always this way - I've been reflecting back on everything now and I've got myself really upset.

I'm not sure what to do now, what to say or how to play this. I have to fly back to the UK with her later.. and at the moment I just want some space and distance from her to process this.

Any advice? My friends and parents in law are horrified, but I'm wondering now if I'm being too emotional here?

Thank you to anyone who responds

I'm a similar age to your mother and have a daughter same age.
I know we'd have issues if we were away at one of my friend's houses for any length of time. I probably won't be able to explain this properly but I notice that if I'm with any friends who have seen my daughter grow up, DD and I tend to revert back to stroppy teenager/ pissed off Mother. It never happens at other times but is something that has upset us both in the past, I don't think it helps when friend's remind DD of awkward times in teenage years either. Does any of that make sense?
Oh and I very much doubt you Mum removed your toothpaste on purpose, more likely packed it inevertantly

Had I don't that I'd be even more self centered according to posters here! I didn't want to create a scene so I just kept it all polite and did as asked. But yes, that's what my partner said to do. I didn't think it was appropriate, and also not fair on the friends husband as he has been lovely and welcoming

If she isn’t normally like this I would just assume she said those things in the heat of the moment out of stress? I assume this was an old friend of hers and they have this strange dynamic in which the friend bosses her around and she accepts it. She might not be that aware of it.

I would just have some space and put some boundaries in place. No more joint holidays where you are staying with others - just hotels or other close family you both know well. It doesn’t mean you are estranged, just that you are more aware of situations that stress things between you.

Do you always cry about things when someone says or does something you don't like? I think perhaps you need to stop going on holiday with your mum.

I dont think what your mum said was so bad... you had recently told her she was so far up her friends's arse she couldn't see daylight! The friend may be a difficult person but your mum has clearly learned to live with her and probably appreciates her positive side. You are a guest in that friends house for 1 week. To some extent you have to suck it up. You can choose not to return.

But I wonder whether she said it just because of the holiday situation with this particular friend, if so, I would let the comment go.

There could be a bit of that.. but she talks to my mum as if she's a petulant child, not just me 😅 which I didn't like.

I don't have any friends, and nor do any of her others who I know, who do that. It feels like there is this odd power balance going on... and it was there before she moved here I guess going by what my mums partner said (he hates this friend), I was too young to really notice at that point

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense

No I never do. I never get emotional to be honest. But hearing your own mother say if you don't like me as a mother just walk away was pretty rough going after recent events. Especially when she said something similar a few months prior also when I was trying to do something nice for her.

Your mum is a textbook narc. I’d really struggle to speak to her without a grovelling apology. Your feelings don’t matter to her and you’re only valued when playing the game and giving her an easy life.

I’m sorry about this. Some women are just like that, selfish. I don’t know what to advise.

Meh… you’ve been as bad as your mother. Your comment was as uncalled for as her response. Honestly though, neither comment was that bad, just snippy (probably after too much time together) and to be anything approaching devastated by her comment is melodramatic. No need for the gossiping to fiancé and in-laws afterwards.

Don’t go on holiday and stay in someone else’s house if you just want to do your own thing, as plenty of people would consider that using them for free accommodation. I prefer to stay in hotels etc so I can see people as much as I like and do what I want as well.

Im glad you're not going back. Tell your mother that she turns into a prick when around this person so you no longer wish to be in her company when she's with her.

Also tell her to be careful with threats to disown you. Chickens come home to roost.

This sort of behaviour can sometimes be the start of dementia, is that possible?

I'm so confused because there are responses like this and then responses saying I'm a self centred brat. It's really hard to decipher.

My in laws are also close with my mum so I feel like they are the closest I have to impartial as I know my best friend will side with me. My partner usually is always fair, however, he has seen some other events with my mum in the past so I don't actually think he likes her very much, which he alluded to yesterday

It's a confusing one because the childhood was messy, she moved countries when I was 16-17 and left me with my Nan. We were really distant for a while. Then she returned and gradually we got closer and had the best relationship for a good 8 years. This year has just had a few isolated incidents like this. But she seems to have this real nasty streak that comes out.

I know I was bitchy with what I said but I felt I was stating the truth in a blunt way, whereas her "walk away" comment felt more open ended than that, to me

Why are you staying there? If you're an adult find your own accommodation and meet up with them. Her house, her rules. If you don't like or can't confirm then stay somewhere else. Instead you accept accommodation & complain. I'm not surprised your mother reacted as she did with your behaviour in her friends house. The friend may indeed be extremely unpleasant but the choice to stay there is yours. I would be embarrassed if my adult children behaved like you.

Your Mum was caught in the middle.

You were accepting free accommodation from your Mum’s friend, your Mum was handling the tension by keeping her head down , you were challenging the friend.

Did you offer your Mum any support before she said that ? Ask if she was OK?

It might be just the way you have written it but you do sound as if you made it about you, and were a bit volatile. You felt able to say stuff to your Mum, but not have it said back.

And given the built up tension and the heat of the moment you do seem to be over reacting somewhat.

Also to clarify her comment wasn't in retaliation to mine. I said mine, they went out. Hers came later just before the friends friend came. So it wasn't heated it just rolled out, which is why it caught me by surprise

To be honest I think what you said about your mum being “up her friend’s arse” was worse than what she said to you. Sounds like there was just a lot of tension and bad behaviour all round. I’d chalk it up to experience and not go on holiday together again.

Hey OP. I suspect you have a deeply problematic relationship with your mother and this is just a snap-shot. As a result posters are not going to understand the context.

Saying that, telling youe daughter to "walk away" is very inflammatory. I would sign up to a therapist and make a plan for going forward xx

P.S. Don't bicker with people on MN. Sometimes people are lovely but sometimes a thread takes a turn when a few antagonistic and obtuse posters start attacking the OP and it can be very damaging.

My behaviour? Embarrassed? What for, as I'm happy to be called out if there are examples of something I've done wrong?

The friend has done nothing about rave about how lovely I am and that's why the curt comments and snappiness is hard to deal with, it's all mixed in and confusing. I haven't been doing anything "out of line" as I've done what she told me, and I got the "house rules" on the plane!

So unless you mean finally standing my ground after a week about wanting 2 mins for a coffee, I'm not sure what has been done that's embarrassing or rude here.. as nobody in the house even seems to think so..

I've said many times I'm happy to sort myself out and go off but they want to do all this stuff. It's not the type of place you can just explore the same way. I came because they asked me to, not for a free holiday. I wouldn't come here for a holiday, I was working remote for part of it.

You are all coping with each other... and totally stressed.

After three days all guests stink.

The hosts are trying their best and you are in their home.

Your mother wants to behave well as a guest.
She is tired.
You are tired and self absorbed.
You and your mother will make peace when you are both well rested. You can forgive each other.

It is hard to live for days with a parent when you have left home and equally as hard for them to tolerate you. You both had to live with each other and at a friend's place.
How stressful; The opposite of relaxing in your undies!
No one had any down time.

Next time book your own accommodation nearby and visit for a couple of hours each day and host them all for lunch sometimes.

Have a nice wedding.

Thank you, very sensible advice! I'm just in a very sensitive mood right now and can't help but defend myself when things are way off.

Yeah that's true, complicated up and down relationship with a lot more to it than can just be described here, you've hit the nail on the head. Thank you

OP you're arguing with every poster who says YABU. It comes across like you just want people to agree with you or call your mum/friend.

All of the above.

I was trying to defend myself is all, because it's tough to have people misjudge you and get the wrong idea. I've not said I'm a saint, I've said the comment I made, but to make out I've been a rude house guest just isn't truthful.

Also for context we aren't in their home we are next door, they have two together on a large piece of land