What would you do next if your mother said this to you?

[ohhasitbeenaroughfewdays]

Quick context first I guess: currently away with my mum abroad. I'm mid thirties she's mid sixties. Staying with a friend of hers. Her friend is a control freak and has moments of being quite nasty - like she will snap or shoot you down/tell you off in a very rude abrupt manner as if you're six years old. Friend is also her age.

She does this to my mum at times too but has been doing it to me increasingly so over the past few days. I won't go fully into the detail but it was getting to me so I was withdrawing, leaving the communal spaces early etc. It came to a bit of a head a few days ago, where the friend was being massively selfish and unreasonable/unaccommodating - at point I said it's beyond silly now and we need some fairness.

Cut to yesterday and I asked if they could hang on for two mins while I made a coffee to take out with us (they expect us to do all things together so me wanting to do anything solo is frowned upon, but that's another issue!) - the type of coffee with pods in a portable cup I have so would have taken a couple minutes. Friend screamed absolutely not, she's hardcore strict at timings even though it's not like we had a fixed arrival time, so I snapped at this point and said I'm just going to stay here please go without me. And so they did, locking me in as well! Then they didn't even leave in the car for almost ten mins so clearly I had time for the coffee, it's like it was a power move.

Anyway, before they left I said to my mum this is stupid now and while she may accept being treated like it, I won't anymore, I'm an adult and there is no respect here for either of us. I had been so upset I was crying, my mum hasn't asked once if I was okay and just told me to stop being so stroppy. Basically she had just turned into the friend (who she essentially wants to be so it's no surprise) at this point - so I just said to her why would you notice as you're so far up Friends arse you probably can't see daylight

That was that.. they went off out and then a few hours later friend apologises which feels all a bit disingenuous but people pleaser that I am said it's no problem at all we go on with our day etc out for lunch. I just keep up the pretences and smile, laugh, polite, do what's expected at this point. Then when we return back I want to pack as thank fuck we are leaving the next day (today), but was told no I need to go and sit with Friend's friends who have come over to meet me.

I'm fresh out of fucks to give at this point and no patience at all, and said to my mum I wish you'd have my back a bit more, I'm not enjoying myself and need some time to myself after everything.

She then said "I'm sorry I'm not the perfect mother, if you don't like it, you can walk away!!"

And she walked off... and then I had to go and sit with Friends friends.. tow the line, put on the performance of my life while mum plays mother of the year too pretending all is well, discussing my upcoming wedding, job, basically feeling like I'm there as some kind of attraction to show around! I got through that, with the help of a few drinks, as not to make it awkward for these friends who in fairness seemed nice and just wanted conversation with people from the same country (these people are all expats)

I made my excuses once they'd left to get back and pack.. my mum ignored me all night, blanked me again this morning, removed her toothpaste from the bathroom so I couldn't use it.. and then comes asking for my hairdryer when she realised she needed it!

Last night I had to fight to not cry myself which I know is ridiculous as a fully grown adult. But I just feel so let down and it's like I've realised my mum isn't this lovely person I thought. We have been close for years at home but wasn't always this way - I've been reflecting back on everything now and I've got myself really upset.

I'm not sure what to do now, what to say or how to play this. I have to fly back to the UK with her later.. and at the moment I just want some space and distance from her to process this.

Any advice? My friends and parents in law are horrified, but I'm wondering now if I'm being too emotional here?

Thank you to anyone who responds

OP may be an adult but I would bet good money that emotionally she is that 16 year old that her mother walked out on and wants her mother's love and approval. She wants her mum to choose her, just one time.

I think you did well to keep a lid on it as long as you did.

It’s sometimes hard to see a different side of your own mother and no doubt your mum was also struggling, - caught between being a mum to you, her dear daughter on the one hand and a very close friend with a long history, on the other.

I feel your mum loves you and is very proud of you though, even though you naturally shrank back from being showed off as entertainment by the pair of them to friend’s friends. You did well to stick that one out too !

I would try to take the comment from your mum that hurt you, with a large pinch of salt if you can. Especially with what you said to her. It would be a shame to let it damage your loving relationship with her.

But I do think the hostess was a bit unhinged and unreliable and controlling and dismissive of you and possessive of your DM.

It was absolutely crazy that she locked you in and that your mum went along with that - if she knew.
I wouldn't be able to resist telling that story at family gatherings and having a good old laugh at batshit ‘friend’

I think your mum is abusive, was abusive in your childhood, and that her friend is as well. I would walk away. Go low contact, don't go away with her again, get some therapy and protect yourself. She won't change, she can't change, so you need boundaries and to put yourself first.

Nope.

Totally normal.

And it wasn't a tiff, was it.

Very very very VERY strange response...

Lol

Is that your usual technique,.- repeat what someone has called you back at then but put four verys in front of it (and capital letters).

One of the few sensible responses in this thread.

It seems to have attracted gas lighters who enjoy baiting and criticizing an op.

I'd be really upset if my mum said that to me. OP I'd have a few days apart when you get back and then broach it with her. Go from there after you've spoken to her.

@ohhasitbeenaroughfewdays I really understand how staying with people we don't know well, or folk we only occasionally spend time with can become very frustrating when we then spend time together living under the same roof for a week or two and that can lead to all kinds of tensions, where tempers become frayed, and frustrations boil over and we say things we don't mean ( or things we do mean, but would not normally say), as a result

While I do understand how fed up you were and I'm saying this gently, you were incredibly unkind and rude to your Mother and later in the day, she was obviously fed up too with all the carry on and her response at that point was clearly one of frustration. I'm sorry if her reply upset you, but it's the kind of unkind thing many of us have experienced, or said ourselves, when in that fraught kind of situation and to answer your question, yes, sorry to say so, but you are over-reacting about what she said.

For future, just avoid going to your Mum's friends house with her - and if you don't have a good relationship with your Mum, generally, don't go away with your Mother at all? It sounds like she hasn't been a good Mum most of your life - so go LC or even NC? No need to put up with it if you don't want to

Gently, I think you’re being dramatic about the “walk away” comment. It sounds like it’s been a stressful trip, a bit of a stressful day, and one of the biggest lessons we learn with age is that mums are still just humans like the rest of us. They get stressed, they can snap, they say things they probably wish they hadn’t. If you otherwise have a good relationship with your mum I would just forget about this blip.

Me too. Learn your lesson and never do it again.

Can't believe the people on this thread who think it's melodramatic to have an issue with being verbally abused, locked in and generally treated shoddily. Bet if you substituted Mother for husband you'd get a completely different response. Personally I'd have trouble getting over being treated this way by my Mum and wouldn't be able to just gloss over it

So, seems like you need to get through this holiday, which sounds like it is nearly over? Just head down, try to ignore and not over think. When you are back in your own environment, I would be having a serious chat with DM about why what she said to you was not ok, and that although she may find it ok to be spoken to like her friend talks to her, it will never be ok with you.

I don’t see anything so dreadful in what she said - she was annoyed with you and snapped - you sound rather immature and over dramatic, maybe grow up a bit?

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but your mum sounds like a cow to be honest.

If I were you, I'd stop relying on her being the mum you would like her to be, and accept the one you've got. Which isn't a very nice one.

Sounds like standard holiday argument stuff, it will all blow over.

Just don't agree to go away again and it'll be fine.

Do you think the friend worries that your mum and you are only friends with her to get the free holidays? You don't seem to like her so to take her up on a free holiday is disingenuous. You Mum also seems negative about her. I understand why you don't like her (she sounds awful) but from her point of view she might easily feel low-level resentful of you.

Also, I'd have been pissed off about the coffee too. You know she is extremely fussy about time keeping but still wasn't ready at the time they wanted. I would never have reacted like she did but I would have found it annoying.

I'm not sure about your Mums comment. I would not have taken it the same way. I would have taken it as more 'back off' than 'go away' iyswim.

How old are you?

OHITBARFD?
I've read your piece carefully. It is really hard seeing our mothers as fallible human beings.Like as they REALLY are, instead of how we perceived them to be when children. That innocence is for survival. But as you said, you are an adult. Logical enough ,except emotionally, it takes decades sometimes to detach from faulty parents- if we ever really do. Your mother strikes me as rather weak and needy- that precedes your arrival in the world. The painful truth is, she has put her needs before the truth of the situation and loyalty to you. I'd be very careful about having her anywhere near for anything but superficial reasons. Why did you go on this trip with her ? Think about the difference between motive/ reality of what you are going to actually get. Most of all, keep honouring the truth of what you are seeing and experiencing. Calling it out when setting boundaries is fine, as long as you do not have the expectation of anyone else validating your feelings.
In my 30s (I am now older), I woke up to the reality of both my parents on a deeper level than before....I've moved to the far side of disliking them to now beginning to forgive and that comes with detachment. THAT, comes from having a great relationship with myself.
Codependents Anonymous helped me sort out a whole tonne of relational issues. You get to choose who you spend time with, how much and how often. You do not have to explain yourself either. When pushed, just keep the message simple. And remember, in all things except your paid work and childrearing- THEY are not entitled and YOU are not obliged.
In future, I'd suggest going on any trip with people who actually regard you with some respect, as an adult and keep contact with your mother to safe, short bursts- coffee, shopping and a few hours of holiday festivities if you feel like it. Get in and out. Our blood family is not always the loving crew we imagine them to be. The main barometer I use is how I feel when I am around people and when I walk away- uplifted or drained ? Also, if I feel I am under water, under siege when around people, I keep them at barge length.
Learning to trust my gut without always immediately having a logical understanding of why, then taking action to protect myself, has been such a life-saver. Get away first. Then process it. Invariably, something later on happens to show me I was right. After 40, your oxytocin levels drop. This is the social bonding, 'Give a fuck' chemical that ties us to men, each other and everyone else except ourselves. Look forward to the time when you realise you do not have to put up with anyone you do not want to (except the odd work colleague). Women come into their own in mid-life. I am living the best part of my life now because, after all these years, I feel at home in myself. A faith helps. A few good friends too but not a huge circle of superficial ones. You seem quite healthily clued up anyway. Oh, and one thing- when you have kids and they tell you something around boundaries- try to honour that....it'll stand you in good stead when they hit their teens in keeping a relationship going. Then one day they will come back to you because they want to. I don't mean never telling them something they don't want to hear- but its the HOW. And always, tell the truth. Good luck.x