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Original poster

Talk me through this - school absence due to bereavement

104 replies

pastypirate · 09/02/2024 09:58

Before I respond to the school.
My dm died in November very suddenly with no warning - heart failure but she was seen by gp 12 hours earlier and assessed as not at risk.
Anyway I'm an only and my dds (11/14) are her only grandchildren. They were very close and saw their gm at least weekly and she had cared for them regularly all their lives. They saw her more than their father and she was a more consistent adult (dps own words)
I will get to the point.
I kept the dds off school for 4 days fully age dm died. Dd1 elected to go back full time of her own accord. Dd2 went back on a reduced timetable for a week and then back to normal. Dd2's primary school have been incredible and I really can't fault them - kind and sensitive and flexible. I took in a thank you gift and wrote to the head as it was such a great example of trauma informed practice. No dramas there but a yardstick of how things can be done.

Dd1 school no such understanding. Her attendance has never been a concern and year 7 was 100%. Year 8 she had 2 weeks off when she had Covid. They sent me a grumpy letter - I phoned and complained and the attendance person very apologetic.
Year 9 no other absences except the bereavement.

I took dd1 to the funeral which was held over 2 days so her total absence has been 6 days in a 4 day and 2 day block. . This was all in November. School fully aware of reason. They phoned me during the first block and were quite confrontational. The one thing which irked me was 'the longer you keep her home the harder it will be for her to come back'. She went back the next day of her own accord anyway.

The attendance policy states they will support pupils to catch up after longer absences. To best of my knowledge this wasn't done for dd1. No support offered at all.

I've just had another shitty email from school. There have been no absences since November. I was confused at first in case dd1 was being late or mitching lessons but I've checked her register in the parent app - it's only the bereavement leave. It's not the generic letter I've received in the past.

Dd1 is a very high achieving pupil and has consistently high attainment. There are no concerns from the school about literally anything - parents evening was only the other day. Only including this as I would understand a bit if she was wobbling academically etc.

I am really cross about this though I know it's somewhat coloured by my own grief.

Part of me thinks it won't change anything so responding is pointless anyway. The other part of me thinks I should wade in and make a formal complaint which I've never done to this school (loads over the years to the primary!)

OP posts:
Original poster
pastypirate · 09/02/2024 17:35

Anyone?

OP posts:
LightSwerve · 09/02/2024 17:40

I think this is an unusually long absence for a bereavement, but you know your children best.

School is sending a standard letter.

I would try to let it go. Your kids' attendance will go up over time if you follow usual patterns.

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

SongbirdGarden · 09/02/2024 17:44

Schools are only ever interested in achievement and attendance. Like the workforce they just want confirming robots.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General education
SongbirdGarden · 09/02/2024 17:44

Conforming.

Allthecatseverywhereallatonce · 09/02/2024 17:44

Sorry about your mum, my dd really struggled when my lovely mil died. Ignore the school they have no choice but to do this. I don't think you will achieve anything. If you think you need help to facilitate her grief at school by all means contact them.
Yes school is of course important but so is dealing with grief, life is short and I think it is important to allow our young people to deal with grief.

mitogoshi · 09/02/2024 17:45

I'm sorry for your loss but 4 days off is long for a grandparent, it's the same for work, typically you get the day they died (or you go home if at work) then one day for the funeral, I've never heard of keeping them off for 2 days for the funeral unless it was a considerable distance eg flying.

Harsh I know and you will be all grieving but for kids they know keeping them in their routine helps, school will unfortunately see a lot of this.

howlongtilsummer · 09/02/2024 17:46

I'm sorry for your loss. I think it's shitty of the school - there's a good reason for the absence and she hadn't fallen behind. It's just to tick an attendance box. Let it go or raise a stink -whatever will make you feel better. Heartless pricks.

Kalevala · 09/02/2024 17:46

I think this is an unusually long absence for a bereavement, but you know your children best.

Really? It's four days initial absence for the sudden, unexpected loss of a grandparent in a consistent parental like role.

I agree it's likely a standard letter given the timing though.

SnakesAndArrows · 09/02/2024 17:46

What is the letter saying? My first reaction is just to ignore it. 6 days for close bereavement is nothing. Being angry (understandable) and giving them any more of your head space is of no value either to you or to them.

I am sorry for your loss, by the way. November is very recent. 💐

Andthereyougo · 09/02/2024 17:47

A sudden death is a horrible shock, I think you did the right thing keeping your dds home for a few days. They needed to process what had happened, cry or not as their emotions took them.
I’d be livid and tell the school just what I thought of them and I hope none of them have to cope with such a sudden loss. But I’m a bit if a bitch.

Im sorry for your loss. Hope you and your daughters are doing ok.

catagoryA · 09/02/2024 17:49

Just ignore it. The school has to send it. You kept her off an unusually long length of time. Maybe she needed it and you made the right decision. However from the school POV, they have to show ofsted that they objected. That doesn't mean they do object, just that they have to go through the motions.

Its a silly pointless waste of time, but schools have to do it.

There is unlikely to be anyone available to reteach anything to your daughter, so she needs to catch up herself, use friends books.

LightSwerve · 09/02/2024 17:49

Kalevala · 09/02/2024 17:46

I think this is an unusually long absence for a bereavement, but you know your children best.

Really? It's four days initial absence for the sudden, unexpected loss of a grandparent in a consistent parental like role.

I agree it's likely a standard letter given the timing though.

I would say that a school will be working off what is 'standard' for a GP.

The GP was not in a parental role from my reading of the OP, they were a loving GP. Parental role means living with them providing care as a parent.

Kalevala · 09/02/2024 17:57

LightSwerve · 09/02/2024 17:49

I would say that a school will be working off what is 'standard' for a GP.

The GP was not in a parental role from my reading of the OP, they were a loving GP. Parental role means living with them providing care as a parent.

Show quote history

Plenty of children have a parent they don't live with and only see weekly (or less often). A grandparent can have more of a parental role than a EOW or absent parent and I doubt four days would be a problem for the loss of a parent.

I think schools need to understand that families are all different and let parents decide how much time a child needs. An adult could get signed off if they were not in a fit state to return to work.

SingsongSu · 09/02/2024 17:57

I’m so sorry OP. Definitely not excessive to have 4 days off school and 2 for funeral. Ignore it or you could respond to the letter to say you’re disappointed with their lack of compassion. Not that it’ll make any difference I don’t suppose!

LightSwerve · 09/02/2024 18:01

Kalevala · 09/02/2024 17:57

Plenty of children have a parent they don't live with and only see weekly (or less often). A grandparent can have more of a parental role than a EOW or absent parent and I doubt four days would be a problem for the loss of a parent.

I think schools need to understand that families are all different and let parents decide how much time a child needs. An adult could get signed off if they were not in a fit state to return to work.

Show quote history

I don't want to argue too much on someone else's thread, but I think you're incorrect in how a school will assess this and also I stand by what I said - four days is longer than the norm the school will see for a GP.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 09/02/2024 18:31

Andthereyougo · 09/02/2024 17:47

A sudden death is a horrible shock, I think you did the right thing keeping your dds home for a few days. They needed to process what had happened, cry or not as their emotions took them.
I’d be livid and tell the school just what I thought of them and I hope none of them have to cope with such a sudden loss. But I’m a bit if a bitch.

Im sorry for your loss. Hope you and your daughters are doing ok.

I agree with this.
Your poor dd's, how can they learn anything at school whilst going through something so traumatic?
Exoect it is probably their first bereavement - can't believe pp saying 4 days is too long!

Kalevala · 09/02/2024 18:38

LightSwerve · 09/02/2024 18:01

I don't want to argue too much on someone else's thread, but I think you're incorrect in how a school will assess this and also I stand by what I said - four days is longer than the norm the school will see for a GP.

Show quote history

I was saying how I think a compassionate person should assess it, not how the school will assess it.

itsgettingweird · 09/02/2024 18:43

What the nature of the letter?

Is it a generic "your child's absence is below 97%" and therefore it's just everyone with attendance below that point has all received a letter at the same time or is it specifically about dd and the amount of time she was off after your mum died?

1st one - ignore. It's a a computer says send letter.

If the latter then I'd still ignore because it wasn't an excessive absence but I'd maybe reply on a piece of paper what you want to say and burn it for your own MH.

All they want nowadays is kids to learn to turn up whatever has happened and create a "yes sir" workforce.

We're forever hearing a days missed education will affect their future and yet they can stay off for sickness bugs (and they should!), broken limbs because a RA says they can't go in, chicken pox etc etc.

saraclara · 09/02/2024 18:52

Echoing the surprise at a four day absence initially. When my dad died (in the evening) I encouraged my kids in after break the day after, and took them in myself. The teachers had been primed and we're very lovely.

As this was a sudden death, I'd have kept them off all day, but still encouraged then back to be with their friends after that.

I get that these letters are worded horribly though, and not what you want to have to deal with after your own loss.

babybirdsmomma · 09/02/2024 18:53

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss , I lost my beautiful mum suddenly in March and have a similar experience in that my daughter thought of my mum as her 3rd parent. Incredibly close we were as a 3. Which leads me to say no one can put a time limit on the amount of time or the way a person should grieve. My daughter was approaching her GCSE's but had two weeks off from school then went back on a phased return. There was no point in her being there , she was distressed , heartbroken and reeling from the sudden loss of her beloved Nan. School were amazing , when I say school I mean her head of year and form tutor, they were supportive in my decision to keep her off and were there for her when she returned. She smashed her GCSE's and was no worse off for having been absent. So all this bollocks about box ticking because they have to doesn't wash , your daughters wellbeing is paramount , my daughter needed to be close to me to feel safe and she went back when we both felt she could handle it. I did go off at the attendance officer as she clearly was a robot and was making her way down a flow chart of what should be done. Felt so much better for doing it too. I imagine you have a lot of misplaced anger that you have no where to channel so maybe telling them what you think and ' thank you for your input but I do know what's best for my kids ' you may feel like you don't have to justify their absence. I had a long time off work and I spiralled into a very dark place so if ever I was to feel judged I would say to that person .... be so very grateful that you are not in my position and have no idea how it is that I feel. I send you and your daughters my warmest wishes , you will need each other so much in the coming months and years. I like to think that the deepness of my grief is relative to the love my mum and me shared , and for that love I'm forever grateful. Take care of you and your girls xx

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 09/02/2024 19:18

So sorry for yours and dc loss. I would send an email (for your records) detailing the impact of this significant life changing trauma to your dds lives and highlight the importance to you (as the main caregiver) to look after your dc's emotional/mental wellbeing and that you feel this is the priority.
My dc dad died when they were at primary school and they were offered no support whatsoever.
You do what you feel is right for your dc ❤️

Libertysparkle · 09/02/2024 20:00

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum died suddenly in 2021.

Maybe ask the school if they can provide some grief counselling. Help your child but also remind them that grief doesn't go away in 6 days and can come and go in unusual patterns.

Take care of yourself 💐

Bladwdoda · 09/02/2024 20:05

So sorry for your loss op.
The approach towards attendance now is absolutely unhinged and resulting in shit things like this happening. I’m sure it’s a man automatic thing thag has been sent thoughtlessly.

I think In your shoes I’d write a letter explains how the approach and communication from the school has been traumatic and suggesting they consider their approach to absence due to bereavement.

FillFall · 09/02/2024 20:07

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a great relationship with her. I don't think you were wrong to let the girls have time off but I don't think the school,are wrong to write to you either. You know your children were genuinely grieving but there are lots of chancers out there who push their luck all the time.
Don't give the letter any more headspace.

ilovebreadsauce · 09/02/2024 20:21

I think it's a lot of absence for the death of a gp.