Talk me through this - school absence due to bereavement

[pastypirate]

Before I respond to the school.
My dm died in November very suddenly with no warning - heart failure but she was seen by gp 12 hours earlier and assessed as not at risk.
Anyway I'm an only and my dds (11/14) are her only grandchildren. They were very close and saw their gm at least weekly and she had cared for them regularly all their lives. They saw her more than their father and she was a more consistent adult (dps own words)
I will get to the point.
I kept the dds off school for 4 days fully age dm died. Dd1 elected to go back full time of her own accord. Dd2 went back on a reduced timetable for a week and then back to normal. Dd2's primary school have been incredible and I really can't fault them - kind and sensitive and flexible. I took in a thank you gift and wrote to the head as it was such a great example of trauma informed practice. No dramas there but a yardstick of how things can be done.

Dd1 school no such understanding. Her attendance has never been a concern and year 7 was 100%. Year 8 she had 2 weeks off when she had Covid. They sent me a grumpy letter - I phoned and complained and the attendance person very apologetic.
Year 9 no other absences except the bereavement.

I took dd1 to the funeral which was held over 2 days so her total absence has been 6 days in a 4 day and 2 day block. . This was all in November. School fully aware of reason. They phoned me during the first block and were quite confrontational. The one thing which irked me was 'the longer you keep her home the harder it will be for her to come back'. She went back the next day of her own accord anyway.

The attendance policy states they will support pupils to catch up after longer absences. To best of my knowledge this wasn't done for dd1. No support offered at all.

I've just had another shitty email from school. There have been no absences since November. I was confused at first in case dd1 was being late or mitching lessons but I've checked her register in the parent app - it's only the bereavement leave. It's not the generic letter I've received in the past.

Dd1 is a very high achieving pupil and has consistently high attainment. There are no concerns from the school about literally anything - parents evening was only the other day. Only including this as I would understand a bit if she was wobbling academically etc.

I am really cross about this though I know it's somewhat coloured by my own grief.

Part of me thinks it won't change anything so responding is pointless anyway. The other part of me thinks I should wade in and make a formal complaint which I've never done to this school (loads over the years to the primary!)

Have the school been able to give any reason for contacting you about this three months later? Its not even the same term.

Its not a long absence or unusually long

The grandmother appears to have been like a second parent in many ways, closer than their own father.

How long do you think that a child would have off when losing someone who is like a parent/carer for them?

OP ignore it in terms of the absence but I would ask for a meeting about how they will support your child to catch up, if she needs to even.

I can’t believe the number of people who think four days is a long absence for a bereavement. Thank God my employer or my son’s weren’t so callous when my dad died. This is a beloved grandparent who was a huge part of their lives. They weren’t absent because their hamster died.

I’ so sorry @pastypirate, it must have been awful for you and your girls. Hopefully it’s an oversight and the school isn’t as insensitive as it appears. 💐

Thank you so much for this post it really meant a lot to me x

No, no rationale for this provided

So many thoughtful replies I appreciate you all so much.

Dd1 school must know im stewing. She was given an attendance award today. Never had one before - for 100% attendance this term 3. You couldn't make this shit up.

Dd2 primary have warned all parents in the newsletter that attendance letters have been sent to parents of children causing concern. We have not been sent this letter though and dd2 had loads more time off both for ongoing health issues and her phased return. Not even an email.

I'm heartened others think the current policies are about churning out robots. It's so depressing but at least I'm not imagining it.

I haven't responded to school today I will think about it over the weekend.

Incidentally I've entered my 3rd month of sick leave from work. My employer hasn't batted an eyelid and my team sent flowers and check in with me often. I hope this is the world of work my dds find one day x

All schools seem to be worried about is attendance and uniform.
It makes me so angry that because a computer says so then they have to send a letter. But someone prints and decides to send it out and it’s ridiculous that past attendance and reason for absence are not taken into account.
These ridiculous attendance policy’s actually have the reverse for me and make me care less about taking my kids out of school as all the school care about is the schools attendance record for Ofsted and not my kid.

Ughhh yet another place that probably thinks ‘because it’s a GP and not an actual parent’ the impact will be less’. Trust me, I felt my GM’s death a million times more acutely than 3 of her 4 children. Each relationship is different. I would be tempted to be sarky and say great well maybe I should have sent her in in the state she was in and let you deal with her then?

2 weeks off for covid does seem a bit much though. Was she that unwell for that long? Especially as it’s not routine to test children now… but anyway. Full support for the bereavement absence.

Incidentally I've entered my 3rd month of sick leave from work. My employer hasn't batted an eyelid and my team sent flowers and check in with me often. I hope this is the world of work my dds find one day x
This surprises me more than your daughter's school's response tbh. We all cope with grief in a way that suits us and, as someone who also experienced the sudden death of a close relative, for me I was pleased to get back into a comfortable routine of work a week later, surrounded by familiar practices and sympathetic colleagues. The grief doesn't go when you return to work but it does help take your mind off it for some of the day. We're all different though and an extended leave of absence obviously works best for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.
I'd ignore the letter. It sounds like you are stressed enough as it is.
You don't need to create another problem where there wasn't one before.
Also, your child doesn't need to have a fight caused over her situation. Or to hear that her school is causing you more stress when you are already upset.

You write exactly what I would have written

Completely agree with this. It also seems baffling it's being followed up now when no further incidents. Spend the energy if it will make you feel better, but don't expect to get anywhere. Personally I'd get satisfaction from writing a stroppy letter, but wouldn't want the hassle of a formal complaint process when still grieving.

I am so sorry for your loss.

The school is under enormous pressure to be seen to be addressing absences and your DD is unfortunate to have fallen into this category. You can ignore the email and DD need not know anything about it. You are right to recognise that you (understandably) can’t be dispassionate about this because of your own grief and if you possibly can it is best to put it to one side.

if your sick leave is related to your loss, have you considered bereavement counselling?

Ignore it. She's not persistently absent. She's your daughter and you get to decide how long she needs off for a bereavement not the school. School will just be sending out standard letters.

Ignore the posters criticising your decision to keep them off for the length of time you did. You know your children best and you were giving them space to grieve, which is healthy and so important

If it would help, could you respond to the less helpful school, explaining how their correspondence has impacted you and tell them how the other school’s response was far more helpful and thoughtful. I get that it’s junior vs senior and attendance, etc, but a more human response would have been far kinder.
Sending love for your loss xx

Just ignore the email and delete it. You did what you thought was best, and even if it was wrong (and really I think only you can know that anyway) it's done now. From her general attendance it's clear you don't keep her off at the drop of a hat, so I'd say just continue as you were.

If they brought it up with me again I'd be tempted to say "I promise that the next time my mother dies, I won't keep DD1 off school at all" just to highlight the ridiculousness of it. This was clearly a one off, with a child who otherwise has great attendance, and who has gone back to perfect attendance since the death. What is there for them to worry about here?

I don't think I'd ignore as I'd want to both tick the parent engaging with school's concerns box and draw attention to how ridiculous it is. I think I'd play dumb and enquire as to whether there are absences you are not aware of, as you have already had communication with school about the bereavement absence and as she had an attendance certificate this term you thought that this was not an ongoing problem.

If they come back with just the bereavement absence, I would remind if any letters / emails / phone calls which have already covered that topic and ask what they want you to do about it now. I would probably also mention you have been a little disappointed by the lack of support at a time when your daughter lost the adult second closest to her, compared to your other child's school and your employer. And reiterate that you only keep your daughter off when you feel she is genuinely unable to attend. They can't say / do much more.

Schools are under a lot of pressure on attendance, and rightly so as I'm seeing so many cases where it is a serious problem in a way that will massively affect young people's futures, but 6 days off for a good reason in one year is not an example of that.

Sorry for your loss.

If the school feels obliged to send the letter, then your argument is not with them, but a political one. Remember when the General Election comes along.

The current Education Secretary is unlikely to be sympathetic, being married to someone partly complicit in the sub-postmaster prosecutions.

There are plenty of workplaces that aren’t prescriptive about who has to die for you to require time off because different people and families have different relationships with family members. If the grandparent is a consistent person in their life and it’s changes a person’s whole routine, 4 days at the time and 2 over the funeral isn’t excessive. Schools don’t need to be less flexible than a good workplace and shouldn’t be too prescriptive about who needs to die for x amount of time off.

I think that's what you did was clearly right for each child and I'm shocked that the school sent a letter after the initial absence had been explained. Bad procedures as in my school even if that has been automatically generated the pastoral team would have stopped it before it got sent. I would actually contact the school and as previous posters have said ask why the additional letter and if there's a concern that this evidently one off tragedy is thought to be having an impact. It's worth writing and making them think about it as you may save some poor soul further down the line. Attendance is important but the reasons for non attendance are far more important to address if you want children to feel secure at school.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did exactly the right thing and don't doubt yourself because of inefficient bureaucracy. Four days is not too much for a bereavement of this magnitude. Yes some people want to get straight back to it but we're individuals and you know what's best for your child, as her positive reports make clear.

It's Govt policy that informs school practices.

The speed of learning in schools now is very different to when I was at school. In yr5, I've had a child off for 3 days and they have missed how to do bracket division this year because of it. The next time they'll go over it is in a years time (in yr6). They will be at a disadvantage compared to their peers. For some children they will work it out quickly, for others they will feel upset that everyone else seems to know what to do, but they don't, which affects self esteem. If a TA is available to help support or extra maths catch up is available in the afternoon, then things may work out.

If the absences are persistent then that leads to more gaps, which further impacts understanding and the knock on effect to self esteem.

The message is that attendance matters. However for situations like the OP, discretion needs to be used by the Headteacher.

We received an attendance letter for DS2 last year, after he'd had five weeks off (three of which had been spent in hospital) following a serious infection, major abdominal surgery, and adjusting to his new normal. Attached to the letter was a post-it from the head saying: "The government require that I send you this. Ignore it. We know where he was, and are just glad he's still with us".

Incidentally I've entered my 3rd month of sick leave from work. 😦
We all deal with grief in different ways, but have you had any professional support/counselling for your loss?

I lost my own father suddenly when I was 15 and took maybe 3 days off in total. If your DD has a good attendance and is making her grades, there shouldn't be concerns.

oh my gosh that makes me so angry! There is no time limit on grieving- 4 days is nothing- especially when it was a sudden death. Tell them to bugger off!

God the school is pathetic. And posters saying this is unusually long for the death of a grandparent are also being pathetic. It's the stupid British stiff upper lip mentality, keep calm and carry on. Doesn't do anyone's mental health any favours.

Every day I read something else on here that makes me infinitely glad my DC are home educated and don't have to deal with this shit. You are not in the wrong OP and I'm very sorry for your loss.