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Original poster

Talk me through this - school absence due to bereavement

104 replies

pastypirate · 09/02/2024 09:58

Before I respond to the school.
My dm died in November very suddenly with no warning - heart failure but she was seen by gp 12 hours earlier and assessed as not at risk.
Anyway I'm an only and my dds (11/14) are her only grandchildren. They were very close and saw their gm at least weekly and she had cared for them regularly all their lives. They saw her more than their father and she was a more consistent adult (dps own words)
I will get to the point.
I kept the dds off school for 4 days fully age dm died. Dd1 elected to go back full time of her own accord. Dd2 went back on a reduced timetable for a week and then back to normal. Dd2's primary school have been incredible and I really can't fault them - kind and sensitive and flexible. I took in a thank you gift and wrote to the head as it was such a great example of trauma informed practice. No dramas there but a yardstick of how things can be done.

Dd1 school no such understanding. Her attendance has never been a concern and year 7 was 100%. Year 8 she had 2 weeks off when she had Covid. They sent me a grumpy letter - I phoned and complained and the attendance person very apologetic.
Year 9 no other absences except the bereavement.

I took dd1 to the funeral which was held over 2 days so her total absence has been 6 days in a 4 day and 2 day block. . This was all in November. School fully aware of reason. They phoned me during the first block and were quite confrontational. The one thing which irked me was 'the longer you keep her home the harder it will be for her to come back'. She went back the next day of her own accord anyway.

The attendance policy states they will support pupils to catch up after longer absences. To best of my knowledge this wasn't done for dd1. No support offered at all.

I've just had another shitty email from school. There have been no absences since November. I was confused at first in case dd1 was being late or mitching lessons but I've checked her register in the parent app - it's only the bereavement leave. It's not the generic letter I've received in the past.

Dd1 is a very high achieving pupil and has consistently high attainment. There are no concerns from the school about literally anything - parents evening was only the other day. Only including this as I would understand a bit if she was wobbling academically etc.

I am really cross about this though I know it's somewhat coloured by my own grief.

Part of me thinks it won't change anything so responding is pointless anyway. The other part of me thinks I should wade in and make a formal complaint which I've never done to this school (loads over the years to the primary!)

OP posts:
Original poster
pastypirate · 12/02/2024 17:59

Piscesmumma1978 · 12/02/2024 13:07

It will definitely get the schools attention. I think they’ve behaved really poorly.

Good luck x

Thank you I think you have helped me focus my feelings x

OP posts:
Original poster
pastypirate · 12/02/2024 18:04

MikeRafone · 12/02/2024 13:18

Im so glad my dads were adult by the time my father died and not in the school system in Uk where its pot luck whether you get compassion or cruel.

Im sorry for your loss OP, its sometimes hard to explain to others how much a grandparent meant and the relationship they had.

Id be responding with

Dear school bereavement takes everyone differently and so it would appear do schools, grief and the affects. Having had so much support form my other dd school, life has been made so much easier for her. Sadly your lack of empathy has been noted. I shall in time report my findings to the governors. I do hope other children suffering in this way are not subjected to your callous indifference.

Thank you I will respond with a similar letter.

My friends letter has honestly enraged me because I thought well maybe I did keep her off too long though hard to accept as primary school position was 'you do you'. But now I realise I would have got the shitty letter if I had taken her out for half the amount of time.

On top of this I am due to make a serious complaint about the 999 call handler who responded when I found my mum - obviously not the schools fault and in some ways a separate issue but it takes me a long time to psych myself up for any confrontation.

I grew up in a progressive school all this robotic nonsense is so alien to me.

My mum was a special needs teacher all her career. I know she would never have treated a parent like this.

Thank you all xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
pastypirate · 13/02/2024 21:38

Sohereitissuddenly · 11/02/2024 09:18

My Dad died quite suddenly last March. Diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and dead within 3 weeks. I'm a lone parent. DS is ausitic and his Dad is not reliable. I spoke to school and told them I had no option but to take ds with me. Parents are 250 miles away. Head of year was lovely about it.

So DS had two separate absences. 5 days when Dad was dying. Another 3 I think, for the funeral.

All this was the best I could do and brought DS attendance record down to 97% I think for the year. He has 100% record otherwise. I got I think weekly reminder emails asking me to arrange support sessions to improve his attendance. I was so upset by these callous auto emails. There was nothing I could do to change any of it. The emails carried on until the end of the summer term even though I replied. I didn't have the energy to complain further....ds had bullying too so I was picking my battles.

Short of a.cure for cancer and time travel, there's nothing I could have done differently. Stupid school data.

Thank you so much for this post. Very similar situation and I am enraged for you. It's grotesque. I hope you are ok x

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Sohereitissuddenly · 13/02/2024 23:33

@pastypirate I'm ok ish, thank you. It's coming up to a year ago and it's feeling rough just now.

School wise ..I've just got to shrugging things off a bit more. I just think the attendance officer is an unthinking robot and there's no point winding myself up about something I can't change.

Just last week I got a text to say your child is not in school and you must ring this number asap to explain his absence. I had dropped him off at 8.20am. I was quite alarmed and rang school.. couldn't get through for twenty minutes...when I did get through, he'd been marked in for his form class but not first period. Clearly teacher made a mistake. I was so cross getting that message. They didn't even apologize.

Pick your battles. Keep your sanity. Flowers

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