Talk me through this - school absence due to bereavement

[pastypirate]

Before I respond to the school.
My dm died in November very suddenly with no warning - heart failure but she was seen by gp 12 hours earlier and assessed as not at risk.
Anyway I'm an only and my dds (11/14) are her only grandchildren. They were very close and saw their gm at least weekly and she had cared for them regularly all their lives. They saw her more than their father and she was a more consistent adult (dps own words)
I will get to the point.
I kept the dds off school for 4 days fully age dm died. Dd1 elected to go back full time of her own accord. Dd2 went back on a reduced timetable for a week and then back to normal. Dd2's primary school have been incredible and I really can't fault them - kind and sensitive and flexible. I took in a thank you gift and wrote to the head as it was such a great example of trauma informed practice. No dramas there but a yardstick of how things can be done.

Dd1 school no such understanding. Her attendance has never been a concern and year 7 was 100%. Year 8 she had 2 weeks off when she had Covid. They sent me a grumpy letter - I phoned and complained and the attendance person very apologetic.
Year 9 no other absences except the bereavement.

I took dd1 to the funeral which was held over 2 days so her total absence has been 6 days in a 4 day and 2 day block. . This was all in November. School fully aware of reason. They phoned me during the first block and were quite confrontational. The one thing which irked me was 'the longer you keep her home the harder it will be for her to come back'. She went back the next day of her own accord anyway.

The attendance policy states they will support pupils to catch up after longer absences. To best of my knowledge this wasn't done for dd1. No support offered at all.

I've just had another shitty email from school. There have been no absences since November. I was confused at first in case dd1 was being late or mitching lessons but I've checked her register in the parent app - it's only the bereavement leave. It's not the generic letter I've received in the past.

Dd1 is a very high achieving pupil and has consistently high attainment. There are no concerns from the school about literally anything - parents evening was only the other day. Only including this as I would understand a bit if she was wobbling academically etc.

I am really cross about this though I know it's somewhat coloured by my own grief.

Part of me thinks it won't change anything so responding is pointless anyway. The other part of me thinks I should wade in and make a formal complaint which I've never done to this school (loads over the years to the primary!)

@Jellycatspyjamas I completely agree with your post. I think it’s right for a complaint letter to go to the school. Let’s put this issue of the generic letter going out in another scenario. Let’s suppose the school sends the letter out to parents of a child who is having time off because they need treatment due to a disability. How about because they needed time off after being a victim of crime?
Would that be acceptable? Of course it wouldn’t.

The school should be exercising discretion and ensuring these “generic” or “routine” letters don’t get sent out in situations where it’s obviously inappropriate.
If the school is going to blame the local authority/government then let them have an ear bashing about it too I say.

@pastypirate thank you for your kind words earlier.

I am really sorry for your loss, OP .

I have some experience of implementing trauma-informed practice in schools and I would agree that sadly the secondary school in this case has been found wanting.

However I do very gently want to pick up on the fact that multiple posters have referred to this bereavement as a ‘trauma’. One of the principles of trauma-informed practice is to help a child to cope with the normal events of life, including bereavement of a grandparent, without becoming traumatised. If it is within your means you might find that some grief counselling is helpful.

No point in complaining to the school. The policy does not originate with them. Complain to the LA, the MAT or ofsted (not about the school, or the letter, but about the policy)

I have on many occasions had a quiet word with a pupil returning to school after receiving a snotty letter in my name and said to them, look, I don't agree with these letters, they are just the policy, I home you had a nice time/ feel better/ took time to recover etc.

One poor girl was almost shaking, returning from an unauthorised holiday I 100% agreed was fully appropriate and she should have gone on. I told her so! I said the letter is automatic, but noone was angry with her - some teachers 100% agreed with her family decision to go on holiday then - she was an army child, and it was the only chance they had in 6 months of seeing their father- and most of the others didn't even know or care why she had been away

The thing is many teachers will feel that, but you do have to be very financially secure to actually say it

The worst thing about these awful letters is that they can make children feel the school is angry with them. it is bad enough it upsets parents - try not to pass it on to the childfen.

Then when ofsted come in, they want to see that these letters have been sent. I suppose some of the letters are needed, but in my experience, less than half, but if the school has not sent them, ofsted will mark them down.

One poor girl was almost shaking, returning from an unauthorised holiday I 100% agreed was fully appropriate and she should have gone on. I told her so! I said the letter is automatic, but noone was angry with her - some teachers 100% agreed with her family decision to go on holiday then - she was an army child, and it was the only chance they had in 6 months of seeing their father- and most of the others didn't even know or care why she had been away

Something went very wrong here. Obviously this is no criticism of you but this is one of the very rare examples of a situation where government policy would be to authorise the absence as a genuinely exceptional circumstance.

To be fair to the school, mornings and afternoons have been counted as sessions since I was at school 30 years ago. Teachers take an afternoon and morning register and you get an attendance mark for each.

I agree with you! Unfortunately the MAT didn't, and they can make their own policy.

But either way, it is never in the child's control (pre14 at least) and it makes me angry when they are upset and frightened of repercussions in school.

I am not blaming parents for this, it is caused by nasty letters, but please do hide your anger from your child, if you can

I agree that schools treat absence differently to workplaces. My colleague had something like 3 weeks off for the death of a grandparent. She's a teacher.

was she organinisng the funeral? You can normally get a week or two if you are responsible for organising a funeral - but there is no time off at all for the death of a grandparent, normally.

School policies can be brutal, and are best ignored, in my opinion. 3 days for the death of a parent/ son or daughter/ sibling?

it is ridiculous, but GPs will normally sign you off for as long as you need for bereavemnt.

it is harder when it is for a wedding = 0 days off for your daughter or fathers wedding? I know teachers who have been refused leave, but resigned and gone anyway. The school loses a teacher in a core subject, and the teacher simply picks up another job for after.

Or just go, and take the warning when you come back

TBH. schools need to realise family life needs to come first - and teachers need to realise jobs are more easily replaceable than looking at a wedding photograph on a wall for the rest of your life, and not being in it

No, she was not organising it at all. Her own parents are still working age and in good health and organised it. The head is just understanding. To be fair, policy can say it's a day off but anyone can self-certify with stress for a week and probably quite easily get a sick note after that.

Four days is "unusually long"? I would disagree.

My Dad died quite suddenly last March. Diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and dead within 3 weeks. I'm a lone parent. DS is ausitic and his Dad is not reliable. I spoke to school and told them I had no option but to take ds with me. Parents are 250 miles away. Head of year was lovely about it.

So DS had two separate absences. 5 days when Dad was dying. Another 3 I think, for the funeral.

All this was the best I could do and brought DS attendance record down to 97% I think for the year. He has 100% record otherwise. I got I think weekly reminder emails asking me to arrange support sessions to improve his attendance. I was so upset by these callous auto emails. There was nothing I could do to change any of it. The emails carried on until the end of the summer term even though I replied. I didn't have the energy to complain further....ds had bullying too so I was picking my battles.

Short of a.cure for cancer and time travel, there's nothing I could have done differently. Stupid school data.

One of the principles of trauma-informed practice is to help a child to cope with the normal events of life, including bereavement of a grandparent, without becoming traumatised.

I’d argue it’s not “normal life events” to loose a previously healthy, much loved grandparent in the circumstances outlined in the OP. You don’t get to decide what someone may or may not find traumatic, nor how they should best cope with that situation. For one person the death of grandparent will feel like “normal”, eg slipping away at the end of a life well lived. For someone else the death will be incredibly traumatic because of the meaning the relationship holds or the manner and means of death.

What you’re describing is gaslighting, not trauma informed anything.

PP stating you should not challenge it are saying that you should tolerate the schools "system" being confrontational with you, a person who is grieving the loss of your mother. Your Mum! She died a matter of weeks ago.

Hell no! If you have the ability currently I would challenge it officially. If not, log a complaint and say you will deal with them when you feel able and not before. Things won't change otherwise. They made the system they can and should change it. Your DD is not just data and you are not just their to facilitate them to use your DD for their data.
🤬

The school is out of order here IMHO. You are obviously a caring and responsible parent. Its now February. Why are they still harping on about a November absence.

I’d escalate this to the Governors. This is really bad from the school who should be a lot more understanding in these circumstances. I’m very sure you don’t need this as well as deal with everything else x

My post was intended kindly and from a place of both personal and professional experience. I am not going to rise to an unpleasant post or engage in an argument on OP‘s thread. Have a nice day.

@Jellycatspyjamas
I agree. The sudden death of a grandparent can certainly be traumatic and change everyday life overnight. I remember being five, in the front passenger seat with my dad driving to my grandmother after my grandfather was killed in an accident. My dad was crying which was not at all a normal situation to a five year old. I'd been very close to my grandfather and spent a lot of time with him. If I had been older, it would have hit even harder.

I agree too. The death of a much loved grandparent is pretty much the dictionary definition of trauma.

I see I need to clarify.

I am not stating that OP’s children have not experienced trauma. It is common for older children and teens to lose a loved grandparent and often this is their first experience of bereavement. In many cases this experience will be deeply sad but not traumatic. Of course there will be cases where it is.

I am not making any judgements on whether this situation is traumatic. I am saying that trauma-informed care of the child, which it sounds like OP is modelling but the secondary school is not, is key to help the child to grieve in a healthy way so that they are not left with long-term symptoms of trauma.

If you wish to pick me up on this then you equally need to pick up anyone on this thread who has confidently described this as a traumatic bereavement as they are making far more of a judgement than me, with no more information.

I believe that, done well, trauma-informed approaches can be transformative for children and young people. As part of this, I think it is really important that we don’t automatically assume that all sad events are necessarily traumatic.

Edited for a typo.

Ha! Fair enough then. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen it as a parent and I’ve had two lots go through school.

Thank you that means a lot x

Thank you x

Thank you - I've just finished a governing term of several years for dd2 school. I forgot about this aspect of complaining x

It will definitely get the schools attention. I think they’ve behaved really poorly.

Good luck x

Im so glad my dads were adult by the time my father died and not in the school system in Uk where its pot luck whether you get compassion or cruel.

Im sorry for your loss OP, its sometimes hard to explain to others how much a grandparent meant and the relationship they had.

Id be responding with

Dear school bereavement takes everyone differently and so it would appear do schools, grief and the affects. Having had so much support form my other dd school, life has been made so much easier for her. Sadly your lack of empathy has been noted. I shall in time report my findings to the governors. I do hope other children suffering in this way are not subjected to your callous indifference.