The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

My son hasnt been to school for best part if 15 months. Waiting for alt ed frim lea

This is my reality. DD has multiple health issues including two auto immune conditions. This means she picks up lots of viruses etc. She also often complains of stomach ache, which is 99% of the time entirely due to anxiety. Makes me constantly question myself though. I get stressed in that moment of decision making at 7.59am; do I keep her off / is it warranted especially if she seems OK to go in and then I worry about the inevitable meltdown going back.

She had covid before half term, so that was a no trainers, she just wasn't well enough to go in. I've said to school that I will always be honest as to the reason for absence. Had a parents meeting on Wednesday where they asked me outright and I said yes, I will be honest if it's EBSA and they need to trust me on that.

I’m so sorry for what you are both going through. I’m an ex teacher and it breaks my heart to hear stories like yours.

I just wanted to offer a different perspective on your thoughts that home education would equate to laziness or taking the ‘easy option’ (& even if it was in some small ways there is nothing wrong with making life easier, especially if your child is being damaged by school). Are you worried about being judged?

I home educate my DC (and have done for a few years now) and I would urge you to put aside thoughts of it being ‘giving up’ and think of it as doing something amazing for your child (& yourself). If you have any questions about home education I’d be happy to answer them.

Another week over, thankfully.

Has anyone had other parents start to avoid them since having a problem with school. I’ve noticed a couple of the parents at pick up, who used to say hi, just completely ignore me or stand as far away as possible. It’s not like I was good friends with any of them but just feeling a bit judged today. Alternatively I could just look like a miserable so they’re avoiding that 😂

@Sleeplessi a difficult time with mixed emotions. Whether the grammar is right for DS or not he did brilliantly passing. Contact the school’s SENCO to arrange an enhanced transition.

@SENDhelp2023 provsion under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 should have been in place long before now. Email the Director of Children’s Services using the model letter on IPSEA’s website. If that doesn’t work, email again threatening judicial review. Then, if that doesn’t work contact SOSSEN for help with a pre-action letter.

The high school senco is coming to the decision not to issue EHCP meeting with the LA and the current school so they seem quite on it. Just not sure if I can go as I don’t have any childcare as DS can’t attend the school where his needs are currently apparently being met and he’s too emotionally fragile to leave at home. Sigh. At least it’s Friday - hope you all get a break over the weekend before it all starts again Monday

@Sleeplessi if DS is OK to be left in another room alone, you could request to attend virtually. If DS can’t be left in another room, you could still attend virtually, sit in a corner with your sound turned off and you can communicate via text - makes it much harder but at least you will be able to attend and know what is being discussed.

Dd11 has been out of mainstream school since November due to her needs not being met (ASD). I am in the process of applying for an ehcp. I looked round an amazing independent special school yesterday which is opening up in area and has limited spaces at the moment but will potentially have room for more children eventually. I was blown away by the school as were all the other parents there. It would fit my dd's needs so well. I really want a place but without my ehcp it's impossible. The LA are involved and I have a meeting with them and my dd's current school next week. Any tips/advice for pushing for this new school ?

@lollipoprainbow focus on the first hurdle of requesting an EHCNA and getting the LA to agree to assess.

Collate evidence. Think about submitting SARs to school and any other services involved. If you haven’t already, read IPSEA and SOSSEN’s website to understand the SEN system and law better. Also, the SENCOP.

Request alternative provision if it isn’t already in place.

Thank you 🙏 🙏
I’ll sort it out and get there it’s just the ridiculousness of the situation where the LA will cheerily talk us all through the SEN support toolkit which hasn’t worked for 2 years now
Couldnt make up the nonsense sometimes with this system!

Re your mention of toolkits ...I do find there is a limited response from support agencies. My son has now been referred to three different anxiety courses. Organisations just seem to signpost you to other services ("have you spoken to x organisation - they might be able to help..."). Who signpost you to other services. Who then ask if you want a referral to another service.

Another Monday strikes. We have a planned late start so it's a bit early to call it yet.

Wishing you all well for this week.

I hate Mondays!
We live near the school and it breaks my heart to see other kids go in.
We are managing an hour or two past 2 weeks but in Y12 that's hardly anything.
I know I shouldn't be worrying but if DD atleast managed work at home, it would not be this bad.
I just want to run away.....

Good morning. I have only just found this thread. I am an educational psychologist and I just wanted to say that it has been so moving and interesting to read about your experiences in supporting your children through EBSA. It is really helped to further my own understanding of what families experience.

I am also Mum of two Neurodivergent children, both of them find aspects of school difficult. My son has been too anxious to make it into school on a few occasions, and I do worry about how things will pan out for him in the future, as he goes through adolescence and as school expectations increase. Hottest for me, has been managing my own anxiety around this, and making sure I am playing the long game in terms of of his emotional well-being, rather than looking at the short term outcome of what I want him to do today (go to school, with a smile, tell me he’s had a lovely day, let me get on with my day too)

Hi @lavenderlou , my DS gets lots of illnesses too, all brought on by anxiety. He also gets very, very tired from masking and when he has a day within 2 or 3 out of house activities, like going to the doctor and then the shop, he has to sleep when he gets home. I’m shattered by it all.

As I was dropping DS2 to school this morning, I passed a former friend of DS1, who had been unhappy in DS’s school, and moved school last September, heading off to school, looking carefree. I got upset for my DS and also, wondered again if it is the school or if it is just an issue we would have regardless of the school.

I’m so tired and confused and keep getting conflicting advice.

Hugs to you @DarkChocHolic , I have just posted about seeing others walk past to school and how it triggers me.

@DarkChocHolic I can relate. PPs have mentioned that home ed has worked for them and it sounds like another world. I just can't imagine how my child would ever do school work at home.

@LaChienneDesFromages nice to hear from you. It must be so protective for your children that you have this expertise. Finding an Ed Psych even for an hour or two is so hard.

Hugs to all those having a bad Monday. It is so difficult to manage our own mental health. I was in tears again this morning.

brambley I pinged off a couple of emails earlier asking what support they could offer and to NOT signpost to anywhere else as we're going round in circles. I swear I'll scream if I see Kooth or a 6 week on-line CBT course offered again.

I was in tears in sainsburys as I saw an adorable toddler cardigan with a knitted smiling sun on it and how it would have been something I'd have bought for DD all those years ago. Now I rarely see her leave her room and never see her smile.

Well it's been an extremely tough couple of weeks since half term. Kids have been out of school most of the time and while school are working closely with us and offering adaptations, none of it will work if they can't even face trying. Ds1 is more social, so he does at least like seeing his friends. Ds2 is so overwhelmed and less social that every part of school seems painful to him.

I have no idea how we get through any of this. The goalposts for ehcp are being moved and I really don't know if ds2 will be able to go back to mainstream school, but also can't get into a special/autism one. I have had flexibility from work so far, but that can't go on forever. How on earth do people manage this?

The goalposts for ehcp are being moved

This is what the LA would like you to believe, but the law hasn’t changed. You may have to appeal, potentially more than once, but if DSs can’t attend school you should request EHCNAs.

In the meantime, if they can’t attend and are compulsory school age the LA has a duty to ensure they receive a suitable full-time education. IPSEA has a model letter on their website you can use to request alternative provision.

Hugs to everyone who had a bad Monday. We had a great Monday. DD went in all day. I thought it was all over. Problem disappeared. I've been making a fuss about nothing. Then melt down last night, no school today.

Hugs and all round. This is hard work.

@solsticelove thank you for your response. I guess what I am thinking when I refer to EHE / other alternatives to regular school, as being the ‘easy option’ is that I really don’t have the stomach for a long battle. This has only been going on for a couple of months for us and already my work is impacted, I am stressed, DD is anxious and distressed and every day is a potential battleground. I don’t want to fight.

DD is in a very good school who have responded compassionately. Even if (understandably) they are pushing a firm line that I need to get her into school. Even if not for whole days. We are at the very beginning of possible investigations into potential ND. DD is talking to me. She is trying to get into school. She has a good friendship group. No bullying. It could be worse.

But the thing is, I don’t want it to get worse. I don’t want to travel much further down this road. DD is not thriving at school, I don’t know the root cause. We need to engage with mental health services as there is potentially some underlying mental health issue / potential ND. School is a trigger. Either we invest time and emotional energy getting her back into school (whilst school remains a problem), which fixes the issue of her not going to school. Does not address the problem. Or, whilst investigating the problem we implement a workaround, which is to remove her from the school environment that is causing the issue and implement education other than school.

I work in IT and the above paragraph is articulated in the language of ITIL, the service management framework for IT. It is what we use to manage problems with IT services. And how much more important is my broken child than a broken pc? To me, it seems pointless to keep pushing her into an environment that is not doing her good and at times actively doing her damage.
But what holds me back is the worry that I might be reaching for the work around too quickly. That there are benefits to being in school and I need to be trying harder to achieve those benefits. It’s not so much being judged that I fear, it’s making the wrong decision.

The alternative I am looking at is online school. That is what she has asked for, it is what I am best placed to support (either single provider or a pick and mix). It would enable me to keep working (I am currently 100% wfh, DH hybrid) we could manage me moving into a hybrid role for my next contract (I am an IT contractor) and still have someone on hand to support / supervise learning in the home. She currently engages well with the content of the lessons, just struggles with sensory issues / being in a loud, busy, noisy environment. But her grades are slipping as she starts to miss more lessons.

And I guess the other reason I have for being hesitant is that I think education at home would be better for me as well as DD. Life is fleeting and precious. I WANT to spend more time with her. I want to have flexibility in our day to be able to spend time on extra curriculars and enhancement activities. I want to know what she is studying, to be able to support (without being wholly responsible, I will need to involve expert third parties!) and enhance the curriculum. I want to be able to take holidays when we fancy it / can afford, and bring school with us, rather than organising our lives around school. I think I am a little frightened by how much I see this as an opportunity to make our lives better, when professional opinion seems to be focused on strategies for making it less bad.

Sorry, this has turned into an essay. I think the nub is that I am worried that me seeing the alternative as potentially so much better (it might not be, I might just be looking at the grass in the EHE field and imagining that it’s greener), could be getting in the way of me trying whole-heartedly to fix the status quo and get her back into school, whatever it takes. I think I also have some residual guilt that I have the privilege of being able to buy myself out of the situation (we can afford online school fees if necessary) and so can by-pass fighting for an ECHP, EOTAS provision if we need to.

I would be really interested to know what your experience of EHE is and why you chose that route. Would really like to know the disadvantages and challenges of EHE to temper my fear that I am painting too rosy a picture in my head.

School are now saying they are going to a home visit but I think it won't make any difference. I'm not convinced he will even go for tutoring now. No idea what to do. Hope some people are having a better week.

@YorkshireTeaDrinker2 I don't think it's the easy option. Secondary school in the UK has become a bit of a straitjacket, with a level of rigidity that suits only a minority of children. My eldest has been fine with it, although beginning to chafe a bit at the pointlessness of many rules in 6th form, but my DD - well, she hasn't been in school for more than an hour or two sporadically for the last three years. Your DD sounds potentially like her, she also hears voices in her head and was diagnosed with autism last year. In retrospect continuing to try to get her into school has not been the best thing for her. She couldn't cope with the constant transitions, arbitrary rules and fear of doing something wrong by accident.

We're not really home educating at the moment because she really can't cope so I can't help you with that aspect but the one thing I would say in relation to not being in school is how important the social side of it is as they get older - their current school friends will inevitably fall away once they're no longer in school, so it's essential to find classes or groups that allow them to socialise. Other than that you sound motivated and well equipped to help her get a good education outside of school. Best of luck!