The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

@Stripedpanda have you requested an EHCNA?

We have a meeting coming up and we are requesting one. Thanks Searching.

Was chatting to a friend today whose daughter also gets angry and things.
Told her how my child wouldn't go to school one day.
She said hers was like that once wouldn't go to school although it sounded like she'd got her to school in her car then she wouldn't go in so she said she got her and dragged her in.
And she said 'i guess that's the difference I have to be more strict so I can go to work' (I work too)
And she said her child's never done it again

I'm going to guess she wasn't dragging her whole body across the floor mind and that she was actually walking.

It's not about being strict. I wish it was. Surely that would be a problem that could easily be overcome? I would have to make my child walk to school with me. No car. And I can guarantee you if I tried dragging her she'd be putting her whole body on the floor and even if that was the right thing to do, I couldn't drag her whole body.

@Stripedpanda what's happening when they miss exams? Any prospect of getting medical evidence that it's due to MH ie sickness? Is school helping with the paperwork? We looked this all up last year for DD so I'm a bit rusty but IIRC it was all about getting evidence from GP Asap.

@purpleme12 yup, some people will always think that the only difference is their superior parenting! Sometimes they are just wrong. If you haven't read The Explosive Child, I would recommend, though reading parenting books after a hard day's parenting can be a challenge in itself.

It's made a bit upset

I can understand you feeling upset because you think friends are going to be supportive and that could have felt like a slap in the face especially when you are feeling a low because of what you are going through.
That sort of 'firmness' does work with some people and many people view parents like us as a bunch of softies.
I also believe that you could only be kicking the can down the road by doing that.
Also when you are in a situation where parents live separately how would the other parent feel about you doing that and would child be able to use it against you with other parent.
Both parents should be on the same page here if not more problems can be caused.x

Thank you
Just feels so good to have people who understand sometimes

You’re right. I honestly can’t stand people with opinions such as those ones your friend has:

I’ll admit I did try to drag my daughter out the door, it ended in a highly emotional situation, one I never wish to repeat!

it’s just ignorance.

I remember when my DD was in y9 and took to her bed. we thought it was glandular fever. But looking back it was burnout.
Friends used to say if she was mine she wouldn't be laid in bed. I would feel pressured to get her up and about and force her to work with me. But she was actually done in

You know your own child. And you know your style of parenting.
Mental health is life long like education. School is a few years in one's life which isn't necessarily a positive experience.

How's everyone going?

Really tough going. DD having meltdowns currently if we even mention school. How is everyone doing?

@Stripedpanda have you had any luck finding her anywhere to do her gcses at a later date?

@Luddite26 if she is well enough she can start a retake GCSE course at a local college in September. If she isn’t they will still take her the year after. It is a relief. I realised it is worth looking around as there are options out there.

Discussing some pretty radical options at his EHCP emergency annual review. All scary and probably impossible, but when there are no other options you have to chase the 1% chances.

We're between a rock and a hard place if he won't/can't learn at home and also can't cope with school or college environment. I think the motivational element is part of the problem - he doesn't see a future or anything he really wants to do, he just sees adulthood and working life looming ahead as an amorphous, overwhelming demand.

That's really good @Stripedpanda and Access certificates work as well as A levels for going to uni.
Managing and caring for MH is so much more important.💐

Definitely agree @Luddite26
@Piony sorry everything is tough for your DS. He will find his path but it must feel so overwhelming for him.

Dreadful here. DD9 didn’t go in yesterday nor today. DD14 won’t even get in the car now as it makes her feel even more sick!? She has an appt with a charity called Visyon today.

DD9 is still running away from teachers, she said she knows they’ll hold the door shut why I sneak off, she isn’t daft and is stubborn as a mule!

she’s in the process of being referred for ADHD after school had a meeting with CAHMS.

I genuinely don’t know what else to do!

@Piony there are options other than at home or school/college.

Ahh another bloody term.

we’re on day 2 of not in school for the summer term. DS actually got up this morning but then started to get really worked up and overwhelmed the closer it got to ‘getting dressed time’ and just flopped.

He is sleeping for 12 hours a day if I let him. I think he’s just burnt out.

Self referred for early help and just feel like a total failure. I used to work in early help so I don’t know what they’ll tell me that I don’t know but maybe him having someone to build a relationship with will be good.

Does anyone else feel like everyone around you blames you for your child not being able to go to school? They think if you’re just stricter, tougher and ‘don’t let them get away with it’ then they’ll be in school and all problems will be solved?

Most definitely. Especially when people say oh I just wouldn’t let mine…

politely fuck off

I remember my eldest being burnt out in y9 and she just couldn't get out of bed some days. I used to feel pressured and make her come to work with me some days thinking I couldn't just let her lay in bed. But sometimes that's what is needed.
If I could go back to 2003 knowing what she has had to face all her life I wouldn't have bothered worrying about what people thought. I wish there had been more info about MH and neuro diversity.
But we are only just finding things out now. It's very sad for kids like ours.x

I agree with all this. What is your eldest doing now @Luddite26 just out of interest as I also have a teen DD. I hope she found her thing. I do worry for the future for DD as the adult world and growing up is scary for her. She keeps saying I wish I could be little again. It’s so sad. Navigating the world as a teen is hard enough but navigating the world as a teen with neurodiversity is even harder.

DD has worked full-time since she was 16. She first worked in a factory making raincoats with a checked pattern! Then more recently she became a transport manager/HGV driver and has her own company. She has 4 boys. Her mental health story is horrendous and has cursed her life. Discharged in lockdown from her Mental health primary care because they didn't know how to deal with her what box to put her in so they put her out. Life has been a constant swimming against the tide for her.

I am glad we are getting more understanding of neuro diversity. But there is so much to uncover and educate others.

Wow @Luddite26 4 boys- now a busy mum and she works. This gives me hope. Sorry to hear her mental health is an ongoing battle though.