Am I expected to pay for a birthday meal?

[Paul2023]

Hi all, just a question. My mum turns 60 in a few weeks and I thought it would be nice to organise a meal.
It’s for about 12 people in total at a local restaurant where she lives , her mum and siblings will be there, as well as myself , my DW, my brother and my in sister- in law.
My mum also has a partner who I’ve only met a few times and don’t know that well.

It’s a surprise meal, so she doesn’t know about it yet, her partner will just tell her they are going to a restaurant for a meal and we will all be there waiting for her.

I just suddenly thought, is it expected that I should be footing the bill for the meal or would people assume that everyone is paying their own way ?!

I asked my brother his thoughts and he said it’s highly unlikely that everyone will expect me (and him) to foot the entire bill..

The restaurant was recommended to me by one of my mums siblings, it’s an hour and a half away and I’ve never been there. But I be booked the table and seen the menu and the costs.

Should I be expected, as the organiser, to foot the whole tables bill?

This isn’t something I can afford to do by the way! But I only just thought of this.!

Be very, very clear about what you say when asking people to attend.

"We're having a birthday meal for Mum's 60th, it would be great if you could all attend, I know she'd love to have her family around her.
We were thinking of this place, on X date at Y time. I've attached the menu with prices; everyone will pay for themselves. We'll buy some wine for the table (optional).
I'm sure it will be a great birthday - and it's a SURPRISE so please keep it from Mum."

That is the sort of thing that I would say. Very clear, everyone paying their own way. No surprises on the night - except for your Mum!

I would share a link to the menu with others invited and say here's the menu, we'll be paying for (mum's meal/a round of drinks/the wine) otherwise the plan is to pay individually.
Always better to be super clear upfront.

Absolutely not, it's your mums birthday treat not everyone else's!
I'd send them all a message to check they were all on board and make it clear they'll all be paying for their own meal but split the cost of your mums meal between you all.

I would expect to pay for my own meal and chip in for the birthday celebrant.

I think it depends how the invitations were worded.
'We are thinking of getting together for a surprise birthday meal'
I would expect to pay for myself.

But
'Please join us in a surprise celebration meal'
I would probably expect you were paying!

Wouldn't occur to me that I wouldn't pay my own way. Hope that double negative worked...my brain is frazzled

You need to make it clear folk will be paying for their own meal. Presumably somebody will be paying for your Mums meal. I think you should pay for your mums since you are organising it.

How about asking the restraunt if you can pre-order your food and then ask each person to let you know what they are ordering and let them know that they can pay for their meal on the evening. I personally wouldn't expect a meal to be paid for for me.

No but make it clear. .mums birthday party. Set menu will be x each or you can choose from the menu

Definitely would presume that I would be paying my own way and probably pitching in for the birthday girl.

You need to make it absolutely clear to avoid any misunderstandings...and it depends what's 'usual' in your family. In my family the norm is that the 'host' pays ... but I appreciate that's not the same for all families.

I wouldn’t consider for a second that the meal would be paid for, unless you explicitly stated it was your treat.
It would be nice for you to perhaps get everybody the first drink (not required or expected though). Just make it clear everybody is paying for their meal and treat your mum to whatever she wants. Link to the menu online in advance so people can get an idea of the prices.

We did a surprise birthday meal for our Mum, myself and my siblings paid for everything as we organised it.

I think you need to tread very carefully and probably ask her partner what the done thing in their circle is. My mum would be absolutely horrified if we arranged a surprise for her and then asked guests to pay, it would totally spoil the experience for her.

Please be clear, I was invited to a birthday event like this (close family approx. 20 of us) and was not expected to pay. The hosts paid. So I don't think "It'll be obvious".

You need to advise everyone in advance to avoid any misunderstanding.

Not if you make it explicitly clear when inviting.

We had a birthday meal for my Mum and each family/couple paid for their own and contributed towards my Mum. Never occurred to me that we would do anything other than that.

A couple of years later we organised similar for MIL with my SIL. SIL was the one who issued the invitations (including several friends of hers) and we split the bill 50/50 between her and DH. No one made any attempt whatsoever to chip in. It’s possible SIL had made it clear they weren’t paying.

So if you don’t want to have a big bill you need to point it out quite clearly.

I would have assumed you were paying for the meal as your BD gift to mum. I would bring an individual present. I would expect to buy drinks apart from maybe a welcome glass of something fizzy.

As said above if this is not your intention make sure everyone is aware. Also you wouldn't want everyone looking for money/cards at the end, perhaps get a contribution from everyone in advance, you pay the bill and get a top up or give a refund afterwards (not at the venue). Say something like £30 (depending how expensive the place is) a head should cover it and we'll square it up afterwards.

My Mum would be embarrassed and upset if she thought guests who had come for her birthday were being asked to pay for their own meal too. You need to either pay with your brother or make it crystal clear to guests they will be expected to pay. Maybe email them a menu so it won't be a shock to them.

Should add the menu with prices has been sent to everyone just today.

Have you clearly stated that they need to cover their costs?
Alongside the menu with prices.
Because just a menu isn't clear enough.

Yea but having the prices listed doesn't mean they'll then know they have to pay. I would do a follow up text/ email stating everyone to pay for yourself, maybe split your mums meal between you all?

Also, it's worth considering who will be paying for your DM's meal and drinks - you or shared between everyone.

I think it very much depends what is the norm in your family group. When we've had milestone birthday gatherings for my parents, myself and 2 siblings agreed to split the bill between us. Of course, when it came to it my DF wouldn't hear of us paying and footed the bill for everyone. My parents didn't go out much so it actually gave them great pleasure to have a large family gathering and to spend money on it even though they didn't organise it.

In DHs family, milestone birthdays for parents were always organised by them and paid for by them too.

I've organised a family meal for myself and my siblings plus our partners and my DS for a birthday with a 0 on. There'll be 7 of us in total. I fully intend to foot the bill.

But if I was invited to someone else's gathering, I'd be happy to pay my way but you need to be clear at the outset that is the expectation. and good luck with the bill splitting at the end