Page 4 | Am I expected to pay for a birthday meal?

jannier · 06/02/2024 20:59

Hi...I've done some research and it's looking like the average 3 course meal plus wine will be around £.....we will be covering the cost of wine....if you are ...I am going to suggest everyone pays their own bill so can control the cost to themselves rather than doing a straight split I hope this is okay.

Original poster

Paul2023 · 10/02/2024 07:58

So when I think about it , as my mum was having a big birthday coming up , I suggested to close family let’s meet up for a birthday meal to celebrate.
Going by the restaurant prices , it’s about £50-£60 each for a three course meal, that’s without drinks. So the total bill would be about £600 for 12 people , that’s just the food.
I don’t think anyone unless they’re really wealthy would be able to foot the whole bill themselves.

My dad turned 60 a few years ago ( my parents divorced years ago ) and he invited his side of the family to a meal which me made crystal clear he was paying for.

OP posts:

FillFall · 10/02/2024 08:06

What have you decided to do OP

Tanfastic · 10/02/2024 08:34

I remember a few years back my uncle invited everyone out for a meal to celebrate my aunt's big birthday. My parents assumed my uncle would be paying but the bill was split. I clearly remember my dad going on about it as he was the sort of person who if he'd invited someone he'd have paid.

So yeah misunderstandings do happen!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/02/2024 16:03

Tanfastic · 10/02/2024 08:34

I remember a few years back my uncle invited everyone out for a meal to celebrate my aunt's big birthday. My parents assumed my uncle would be paying but the bill was split. I clearly remember my dad going on about it as he was the sort of person who if he'd invited someone he'd have paid.

So yeah misunderstandings do happen!

Yes, because your uncle was faux-hosting. There are many people who do that. It's bad manners. If you invite, you're hosting and you pay. Your dad was right.

No problem in not hosting but, don't pretend you are. Be crystal clear that everybody's paying for themselves if they want to go to whatever it is that's been arranged. Job done.

rookiemere · 11/02/2024 16:14

Absolutely fine to let people know they will be paying for their own, but make sure people do actually pay for what they had rather than splitting by the number of attendees as with prices that high, some people won't have a starter.

letscrackopenthebiscuits · 11/02/2024 16:22

I definitely wouldn't expect you to be paying the bill.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 11/02/2024 16:44

I think you do need to make it clear to people.

With a group of my friends we would all most definitely expect to pay our own way but it's not always so clear cut with family birthday celebrations, particularly for a 'big' birthday where a family meal may be looked on like a party .

Bambooshoot · 11/02/2024 16:47

If you invited me to a big gathering, I would expect that you were planning to pay the bill, after all, I have no input or choice in the venue, menu or cost. If it was just drinks in a pub I would expect to buy my own.

For a planned dinner, I would offer to pay my share, to be polite (though I’d be a bit cross you hadn’t just told me before, and would expect you to say no) but then it gets awkward with splitting bills and people who had starters/ drinks/ didn’t and it’s a nasty way to end the evening.

If I was planning a birthday meal for family, I would make sure we had enough collective funds (probably mine anyway!) to pay for all our guests and would pay the bill, and maybe say drinks after are separate.

Much better to let them know something like “we think the meals will be around £60 per head, let us know if that’s ok for your budget and you can make it” and let the guests choose, do not shock them with it at the end - this happened recently at a dinner with a friend who had left the country and was visiting, who somehow completely forgot most of her group are not as well off as her, when we got presented with a bill of £120 each it was just horrible. Far more than we would ever have chosen to pay.

HarrietStyles · 11/02/2024 17:02

You just need to be very very clear before the day. I would text:

”Hi everyone, we’re really looking forward to Mum’s surprise gathering on X day, thank you all for being involved. Just so that everyone knows in advance - myself and my brother will be covering the cost of Mum’s meal and paying for one glass of Prosecco for everyone……then if everyone else could cover their own meal and any additional drinks please. Looking forward to seeing everyone, Mum will be so thrilled to see you all.”

Original poster

Paul2023 · 12/02/2024 14:59

I didn’t choose the venue, my mum and her family live near the restaurant. I asked her family , about going for a meal to celebrate her 60th, and got a recommendation from one of my uncles.

More a case of, it’s Mum’s 60th birthday in February, it would be nice to maybe for a family meal to celebrate. Uncle Joe, maybe as you’re local you can suggest somewhere?

Ive been liaising with my brother who also agrees that no one would expect one person to foot the whole bill, unless this was stated.

I sent the menu and pre order form to the restaurant which everyone has completed. I made it as simple for them to choose and I emailed the restaurant what their choices are , apart from my mum who’s picking on the night.

The menu with the prices is all included when I contacted everyone.

Again, I live 1.5 hours away and have never been to the restaurant, it was recommended to me by an uncle.

OP posts:

Cookerhood · 12/02/2024 15:05

Ive been liaising with my brother who also agrees that no one would expect one person to foot the whole bill, unless this was stated.
You need to state it either way & be absolutely clear. If someone invited me to a 60th birthday party I would expect them to be paying unless they had stated otherwise.
If you are finding it awkward to make it clear beforehand, imagine how much more awkward it would be on the night.
If you invited them all to a bash in the village hall you wouldn't expect them to pay.

Cookerhood · 12/02/2024 15:08

In fact, I was invited to my aunt's 90th birthday & within the family the host has always paid. However, my cousin's aren't well off & made it clear beforehand that we would be expected to pay. Everyone was very surprised but at least they knew in advance.
Honestly, if you invite people, unless you say otherwise, they will think you are footing the bill. The above occasion is the only time this hasn't been the case in my experience.

jamaisjedors · 12/02/2024 15:13

Have you not texted everyone yet to make this clear? It's been a week and you've had lots of suggestions of wording. Don't leave it any longer!

fluffycatkins · 12/02/2024 15:31

Have you or your brother actually told people that they are paying for their own meal?
If you both believe that it is not a big issue then making it clear shouldn't be a big issue.
A formal meal that I was invited to and had preselected my food I wouldn't expect to pay if it hadn't already been mentioned.

HarrietStyles · 12/02/2024 15:38

Paul2023 · 12/02/2024 14:59

I didn’t choose the venue, my mum and her family live near the restaurant. I asked her family , about going for a meal to celebrate her 60th, and got a recommendation from one of my uncles.

More a case of, it’s Mum’s 60th birthday in February, it would be nice to maybe for a family meal to celebrate. Uncle Joe, maybe as you’re local you can suggest somewhere?

Ive been liaising with my brother who also agrees that no one would expect one person to foot the whole bill, unless this was stated.

I sent the menu and pre order form to the restaurant which everyone has completed. I made it as simple for them to choose and I emailed the restaurant what their choices are , apart from my mum who’s picking on the night.

The menu with the prices is all included when I contacted everyone.

Again, I live 1.5 hours away and have never been to the restaurant, it was recommended to me by an uncle.

Edited

So you asked a question. Everyone unanimously said that you need to make the payment situation clear and send everyone a message before the event. But you’ve decided to ignore the advice and carry on presuming that everyone will know that they are expected to pay. Not sure exactly why you posted? 🤷🏼‍♀️

But don’t come back with a new post complaining after the party because people left without paying and you ended up having to cover the bill!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/02/2024 15:44

Paul2023 · 12/02/2024 14:59

I didn’t choose the venue, my mum and her family live near the restaurant. I asked her family , about going for a meal to celebrate her 60th, and got a recommendation from one of my uncles.

More a case of, it’s Mum’s 60th birthday in February, it would be nice to maybe for a family meal to celebrate. Uncle Joe, maybe as you’re local you can suggest somewhere?

Ive been liaising with my brother who also agrees that no one would expect one person to foot the whole bill, unless this was stated.

I sent the menu and pre order form to the restaurant which everyone has completed. I made it as simple for them to choose and I emailed the restaurant what their choices are , apart from my mum who’s picking on the night.

The menu with the prices is all included when I contacted everyone.

Again, I live 1.5 hours away and have never been to the restaurant, it was recommended to me by an uncle.

Edited

You are setting yourself up for bad feelings from the family. You/your brother are behaving as if you are hosting - when you're NOT. You want the family to come together to celebrate your mother, to a venue not of their choosing with menu choices sent out and no mention that everybody is paying for themselves.

I think you're being crass by default. You're obviously not comfortable being straightforward about things but imagine how it will look when you a) have to tell people on the night that they're paying for themselves or b) pay for the whole thing yourself.

So, so avoidable. Picking courses doesn't mean or imply anything at all other than giving the restaurant notice of what people want to eat on the night.

If you still haven't been straight with attendees that they are paying then you are being extremely ill-mannered.

CourtenayDevon · 12/02/2024 15:51

Paul2023 · 06/02/2024 13:59

Hi all, just a question. My mum turns 60 in a few weeks and I thought it would be nice to organise a meal.
It’s for about 12 people in total at a local restaurant where she lives , her mum and siblings will be there, as well as myself , my DW, my brother and my in sister- in law.
My mum also has a partner who I’ve only met a few times and don’t know that well.

It’s a surprise meal, so she doesn’t know about it yet, her partner will just tell her they are going to a restaurant for a meal and we will all be there waiting for her.

I just suddenly thought, is it expected that I should be footing the bill for the meal or would people assume that everyone is paying their own way ?!

I asked my brother his thoughts and he said it’s highly unlikely that everyone will expect me (and him) to foot the entire bill..

The restaurant was recommended to me by one of my mums siblings, it’s an hour and a half away and I’ve never been there. But I be booked the table and seen the menu and the costs.

Should I be expected, as the organiser, to foot the whole tables bill?

This isn’t something I can afford to do by the way! But I only just thought of this.!

This is still quite ambiguous. Just because the prices are on the menu doesn't mean people will not assume you're paying.
Why aren't you acknowledging that you need to be clear up front as everyone has stated? Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for big problems.

CourtenayDevon · 12/02/2024 15:52

Sorry- I meant to quote the post about sending a menu.

Sidebysws9 · 12/02/2024 15:53

Olika · 06/02/2024 14:15

You need to advise everyone in advance to avoid any misunderstanding.

This txt everyone

rookiemere · 12/02/2024 16:02

Paul2023 · 12/02/2024 14:59

I didn’t choose the venue, my mum and her family live near the restaurant. I asked her family , about going for a meal to celebrate her 60th, and got a recommendation from one of my uncles.

More a case of, it’s Mum’s 60th birthday in February, it would be nice to maybe for a family meal to celebrate. Uncle Joe, maybe as you’re local you can suggest somewhere?

Ive been liaising with my brother who also agrees that no one would expect one person to foot the whole bill, unless this was stated.

I sent the menu and pre order form to the restaurant which everyone has completed. I made it as simple for them to choose and I emailed the restaurant what their choices are , apart from my mum who’s picking on the night.

The menu with the prices is all included when I contacted everyone.

Again, I live 1.5 hours away and have never been to the restaurant, it was recommended to me by an uncle.

Edited

I'm not sure what who recommended the restaurant has got to do with your question.
Quick email "Thanks everyone for your meal choices. Please can you total up what you've ordered so it's easier to split the bill on the day."

HunterHearstHelmsley · 12/02/2024 16:04

I sent the menu and pre order form to the restaurant which everyone has completed. I made it as simple for them to choose and I emailed the restaurant what their choices are , apart from my mum who’s picking on the night.

I would generally expect to pay for myself. If I received a pre-order form, I'd be more likely to think the host was paying.

Thedance · 12/02/2024 16:08

I would do what PP said and circulate the menu. Tell them you and your brother will be sharing the costs of your mums meal (if that is what you plan to do) but everyone else will be buying their own meal.
It's best to make it clear before the meal.

Coconutter24 · 12/02/2024 16:24

Paul2023 · 12/02/2024 14:59

I didn’t choose the venue, my mum and her family live near the restaurant. I asked her family , about going for a meal to celebrate her 60th, and got a recommendation from one of my uncles.

More a case of, it’s Mum’s 60th birthday in February, it would be nice to maybe for a family meal to celebrate. Uncle Joe, maybe as you’re local you can suggest somewhere?

Ive been liaising with my brother who also agrees that no one would expect one person to foot the whole bill, unless this was stated.

I sent the menu and pre order form to the restaurant which everyone has completed. I made it as simple for them to choose and I emailed the restaurant what their choices are , apart from my mum who’s picking on the night.

The menu with the prices is all included when I contacted everyone.

Again, I live 1.5 hours away and have never been to the restaurant, it was recommended to me by an uncle.

Edited

When sending the menu did you very clearly let them know they are expected to pay?
As a host I would pay for everyone but as a guest if no one mentioned payment I’d think maybe like a party the hosts would pay although I would still offer up my costs when it came to paying

iOoOOoOi · 12/02/2024 16:25

So have you confirmed with everyone that you want everyone to pay for themselves? If not then I think you should. It's much easier and less awkward to do it now than when you are actually at the venue. I'd state it clearly and also state clearly what you will be paying for. Then when you are at the venue let them know what's happening ahead of time so they can bill people separately.