Am I expected to pay for a birthday meal?

[Paul2023]

Hi all, just a question. My mum turns 60 in a few weeks and I thought it would be nice to organise a meal.
It’s for about 12 people in total at a local restaurant where she lives , her mum and siblings will be there, as well as myself , my DW, my brother and my in sister- in law.
My mum also has a partner who I’ve only met a few times and don’t know that well.

It’s a surprise meal, so she doesn’t know about it yet, her partner will just tell her they are going to a restaurant for a meal and we will all be there waiting for her.

I just suddenly thought, is it expected that I should be footing the bill for the meal or would people assume that everyone is paying their own way ?!

I asked my brother his thoughts and he said it’s highly unlikely that everyone will expect me (and him) to foot the entire bill..

The restaurant was recommended to me by one of my mums siblings, it’s an hour and a half away and I’ve never been there. But I be booked the table and seen the menu and the costs.

Should I be expected, as the organiser, to foot the whole tables bill?

This isn’t something I can afford to do by the way! But I only just thought of this.!

If you are splitting the bill you need to check with the restaurant that they are okay with that number of individual cheques from a table, some have limits.
Make sure that individual cheques are set up from the start or you get into drinks, desserts etc causing issues at the end as well as some people refusing to cover a tip.

If I was invited to a birthday meal I wouldn’t expect to have to pay for my own meal.

Yes, that's my understanding too. The host pays, end of story.

OP - you're not hosting this, you're suggesting that your family gathers to have a meal together for your Mum's 60th. That's why you must be crystal clear that everyone is paying for themselves.

I wouldn't even muddy the waters by suggesting they chip in for your Mum - pay that yourself. Everybody just pays for what they have.

All of that can be avoided by making it clear that everybody pays for their own meal. Tips are not mandatory either.

OP, let everybody sort out their own payment and make it clear to the restaurant that this is what's happening.

Not tipping with a large table isn't great behavior unless there is an issue.
But I agree that individual cheques work fine if the restaurant is okay with that, I have eaten in places where they don't offer more than four individual cheques per table for example.
OP just needs to communicate with the restaurant and the people attending well before the meal actually takes place.

I would expect to pay for myself, I would also want to see the menu before committing to make sure it’s within budget.

Tipping or not tipping, I'm just saying that the OP should stay well out of it, let everybody attending be responsible for their own bills.

The last thing she wants is for there to be any doubt about that - making the restaurant clear as well as the attendees. It would be very uncomfortable for squabbling about who had what and who hasn't paid this or that.

No. None of that. Avoid at all costs.

It massively depends on the done thing in that circle.

In my family, we all pay for ourselves and split the birthday person. Except my Grandad on his birthday when he expects everyone to pay for him and his wife but doesn't want to chip in the meal for the birthday person on their birthday.

One group of friends always host and pay for their birthday celebrations, they tend to be more party like than a meal out though, or a set menu.

So just to be clear, I wanted to do something for my mums 60th and thought a family meal would be nice.
She lives 1.5 hours away and I’ve never been to the restaurant and don’t know the town very well.
My mums brother ( my uncle ) recommended the restaurant.

Due to the size of the group , they wanted meals pre order a few days before the dinner.
The exception is my mum, she can order on the night. And so can my elderly grandmother.

Shall I perhaps pay for a few bottles of wine for the table , along with my brother then ? How do I word it that people need to pay for their own food ? ( not my mum of course ).

Some conflicting answers here…

I'd not expect my meal paid for, and would accept the invite expecting to at least pay for my own meal.

I'd send the menu "hi all, the restaurant would like pre orders in please as we are 12, and they can make sure the service is timed nicely. Hopefully there are dishes on there which suit all tastes and budgets, please let me know what to order ahead for you. I'll cover mum's meal, as part of her gift, and I've also arranged a bottle of red and white on the table from me. Food/other drinks to be settled on the night. See you all then!"

Split the bill with everyone and pay for your Mum.

Send a message like:

Just to let everybody know, We'll be providing the first few bottles of wine for the table and will take care of mum's bill.

Looking forward to seeing you.... I know mum will be so delighted that you could join!

In my extended family, such an invitation would imply that the organiser/host was paying.

Conflicting replies means it's NOT obvious and you urgently have to clarify. Just say as lo have said - each to pay for their own.

I would expect that the host was paying, unless I was told in advance that this wasn’t the case. I’d be happy to pay on the night, of course, but slightly surprised.

No one will care if they have to pay for themselves or if you're paying - as long as it's clear upfront. What winds people up is misunderstandings.

As you don't want to pay - which is fine - you need to make clear ahead of the big night that you're not going to pay! Some of the previous posts give perfectly fine suggestions for how to word it.

Until we know how the initial invitation was worded, it is difficult to advise!

Everyone has different expectations depending on their family norms.

As others have said - crystal clear is the way forward.

It's a bit complicated by the pre-ordering.
What happens if someone pre-orders and is ill and doesn't come - who ends up paying for that?

I organised a 70th meal out for mums birthday last year, with around 25 close family and friends. I told everyone “sister and I are covering mum’s meal but if everyone else is happy to pay for their own meals plus any tip, that would be great!”
This actually went down really well as I had several family members messaging me to say it was great that we’d sorted this out beforehand as they were worried that the bill would be split equally amongst everyone and didn’t want to pay for someone else’s lobster and 16 whiskies lol.
Best to be very clear from the outset and then no one gets embarrassed.

I'd never expect to have my meal paid for. I'd expect to pay.

All families are different. But if someone invites me and is hosting then the host pays, the same as if you went to their house they host they feed you. If not all guests need to know in advance. Also I’d be worried if it’s a surprise party my parent would be really embarrassed if people were having to pay for themselves.

Also pre ordering does seem strange, more like you have to do for a sit down meal at a wedding. I’d not use a restaurant with that in place as would prefer to pick something once there especially if there’s a specials board.

If I start asking people to come for a meal then I expect to pay for it. Could you maybe split the cost between you and your siblings? I am may be not reading this correctly but are you really expecting your Granny to pay for her dinner ！

No I’d also not pay for the bottles of wine as all the guests not drinking won’t benefit from that and will feel excluded.

I wouldn't offer first drink either - double single malts, glass of wine, bottle of juice - all of these things would qualify and you could be left with quite a bill, OP.