Am I expected to pay for a birthday meal?

[Paul2023]

Hi all, just a question. My mum turns 60 in a few weeks and I thought it would be nice to organise a meal.
It’s for about 12 people in total at a local restaurant where she lives , her mum and siblings will be there, as well as myself , my DW, my brother and my in sister- in law.
My mum also has a partner who I’ve only met a few times and don’t know that well.

It’s a surprise meal, so she doesn’t know about it yet, her partner will just tell her they are going to a restaurant for a meal and we will all be there waiting for her.

I just suddenly thought, is it expected that I should be footing the bill for the meal or would people assume that everyone is paying their own way ?!

I asked my brother his thoughts and he said it’s highly unlikely that everyone will expect me (and him) to foot the entire bill..

The restaurant was recommended to me by one of my mums siblings, it’s an hour and a half away and I’ve never been there. But I be booked the table and seen the menu and the costs.

Should I be expected, as the organiser, to foot the whole tables bill?

This isn’t something I can afford to do by the way! But I only just thought of this.!

Don’t pay for the wine if funds are short. Simply email ‘looking forward to seeing you all soon. I’ve put all the orders in and so everyone just needs to pay for food/drink on the day’.

You should message everyone again and state exactly what you want to happen. Asking people to pay is ok! Not being clear about it just makes everything awkward.

Thanks, thats what I’ll do.

Good. All the fannying around could cause confusion. I’ve never been to a birthday meal where the organiser didn’t pay, although I’ve always offered. I’d also have no issues but you need to make it clear.

hi all , just confirming so awkwardness on the night, but everyone should pay for their own, myself and brother will pay for mum. Any issues let me know x

No I wouldn’t expect you to. But I’d maybe expect or at least ask everyone if they’re happy to spilt the cost between themselves for your mothers share of the meal as a birthday present.

I hope you picked a restaurant with reasonable prices that you think all can afford otherwise some people who are cash strapped may not be able to attend

I would always expect to pay for myself if invited to a restaurant. For extended family meals we tend to split the cheques by family group, usually equally as one person's wine makes up for one of our non drinkers steak supplements.

@Paul2023

you and your brother should pay.
she is your mother.

otherwise don’t do it.

make you look mean.

this his the truth.

My family is super weird about this. Very strict rules. You invite someone for a group meal celebration means you pay. Apparently this also extends to them tacking on another 6-8 guests - you having the idea means you have to pay for the extra people too.
DH's family would never expect this and always assume bills are to be split. It's hard to navigate!

If it was either of my parents big birthday I would expect that myself and my siblings would cover it all. If it was with friends and I happened to organise for someone's birthday I'd expect everyone to pay for themselves and chip in for birthday persons.

Exactly

I would expect the birthday person not to pay but you shouldn't be footing the bill for the whole thing !!

I would expect to pay for myself and chip in for the birthday girl but as others have said, just be clear and avoid potential for confusion

And it’s opinions like this that are confusing!

Classic etiquette is that the host should pay but the rules have changed / are changing which is why it’s confusing.

In my family, my siblings and I would pay in the scenario you describe (significant birthday for our mother). This assumes my father didn’t sneak off and pay for the lot when we weren’t looking. Similarly, we trade off picking up the entire bill when we eat out with smaller family groups. This is usually done by whoever invites (but we all issue invites for much the same sort of thing so everyone pays about the same).

I also have a smallish group of friends where we switch off paying the bill but with my wider group of friends and my work colleagues, we split.

As long as you make it clear and your mother is OK with splitting the bill (some older people really aren’t) you should be fine.

Main dishes are £30 and £12 . This meant a beefeater type place.

Main dishes are £30 and £12 . This meant a beefeater type place

Those prices are reasonable and should suit most people

Pay for your mother and provide a birthday cake and a few bottles of wine, that should be fine

I would do it like this.

Make it clear to your friends and family they need to buy food and drink for themselves.

You and your brother share the cost for your mother as she should not pay as its her birthday surprise.

With what you say about having to choose meals in advance, I definitely think just sending the menu isn’t enough. I would assume that was to choose my meal not a hint I should pay for my own.

Of course, that’s because I’ve literally never split a bill with family. Either I’ve paid in full or been paid for.

There is nothing wrong with a ‘split the bill’ scenario but it needs to be clear.

I meant starters are £12 and mains £30. This is a small ish family restaurant.. NOT a Beefeater type of place !

When you tell them you need their pre orders, tell them to note the price as they will need to pay on the night for their meals.
I think it's fine op. So long as you and your DB pay for your mums meal!
If you can afford it you and DB could pick up the drinks bill on the night. Just tell the restaurant to put drinks on a separate tab.

You need to send a clear message setting out that everyone pays for themselves

I think you really should have made this crystal clear before people confirmed. £30 for a main £12 for starter means realistically for a couple attending it’s a £100+ night, which is okay IF that was clearly stated at the start, but if you’ve chosen the restaurant and just invited people then they could well be expecting it to be paid for and having to pay themselves could mean they now decline.

I’d also have thought with prices like that maybe the whole group should have been involved picking a place if everyone is paying for themselves so that somewhere with a suitable budget for all attendee’s could have been agreed.

Jesus

In my family myself and siblings have always footed the bill when invited extended family to parents birthdays. It's expected in our family...even if it is expensive.

My sister in law recently had a big birthday,her partner did not pay and we all paid for our own. But this was made clear st the outset.