Anyone know any quintessentially middle class families? Are their lives really that perfect?

[Bridgetjoneski]

We have two who got the bill in the dc's school. The fathers have big jobs in the city, one of the mums is a sahm the other works very part time.
Always busy doing something impressive with their kids, hiking, sea swimming, skiing at half term etc..
Their dc are very bright & they seemed to have chosen their extracurriculars wisely with a view towards the red bricks & one child wants to apply to an American ivy for a scholarship in her chosen sport (rowing)
They just seem so clued in & have know how or inside knowledge! Beautiful, huge, spotless houses too. Hosted coffee mornings for the PTA.
Would love a life like that! DH says it's simply down to money but it's more imo.. Their kids are also much more confident & eloquent than mine!

Just thinking of people I know like that.

One put up with her husband's infidelity for years, waited until her dcs finished their private education and then started a relationship with one of their female teachers.

My dsis lives an apparently amazing instagrammable life - gorgeous house, kids, flash car, holidays etc but she suffers with crippling anxiety and I'm pretty sure her dh is a functioning alcoholic.

Your description could describe myself and most of my friends.

Regarding the children we share a lot of information regarding extra curricular clubs, music teachers, sports clubs, theatre shows, events, places to go on holiday etc. everyone wants to expose their children to a broad variety of interests/events. Virtually all children play an instrument and multiple sports.

Honestly I don’t think there is as much drama as people on this thread suggest. Women often give up work if their husbands travel a lot (or the children are in private school and have a lot of holiday). Quite a lot of the mums are the breadwinners but still run the mental load of the children, some partners are coping with depression, some have lost parents or are losing parents. Lots live away from family. Most are fit and healthy. They are generally less stressed as there is more money to throw at problems. It’s not necessarily upbringing as quite a few friends grew up overseas but there is a definite sense of wanting to do well and wanting their children to do well and doing whatever it takes to facilitate that.

Money, social networks and high expectations are probably key for the people you describe.

Perfect looking lives never are.

The most “perfect” person I knew - house, appearance, high achieving perfectly mannered kids etc was killed by her husband.

I’d say that’s all money and yes I’ve known loads of them through children being at London private schools. They tend to be extremely nice people too. If a little bland!

Not eccentric like old money either.

but middle class means something very different to me.

I think a lot is about how people position themselves on social media. Friends of mine post about amazing holidays or their child's achievements and it makes me feel shit...until I realise my own children have won sports prizes etc and I just don't post about it.

We ride, hike, climb mountains and have really nice holidays. DS1 and I are teaching ourselves ancient greek at the moment. We have our ups and downs but genrally we do things we enjoy and life is nice. But I never post about that on social media because it just feels like bragging. Much nicer to do something just for the pleasure of it and not to worry about what other people will think! Maybe do something nice and make a conscious choice not to post about it. Sometimes it can feel like a point scored against the system.

You’re literally posting it on social media right now.

Yes I agree. The two families I mention seem to only socialise with people like themselves. They don't mix with other school families only each other but have had lovely children's parties at their houses & always invited DH or I in on collection for a glass of "seccy" 🤣 Also they both have hosted very nice pta coffee mornings over the years. They are perfectly nice but seem to like to keep the more normal families at arms length, they probably don't have the time to waste on us!

I associate the middle class with educated people, who live mostly peaceful lives and aren't suffering in poverty. But for some reason not necessarily with flashy people with 500k cars and buying their children 10 unicorns each. The middle class represents to me a place of good manners and healthy homes and also privacy because you don't really get privacy on a council estate, especially flats.
Funnily it wasn't until I came out of a bad relationship that the significance of a secure home and education and the gift that would be to give a child really struck me, for which I'm grateful because it set me on a totally different track to the one i was one. I don't think that middle class people (at least the ones I've met the chicken keeping types sometimes with messy hair and real butter and shelves full of books) are perfect but I don't think they're drowning in dysfunction, they seem to have gotten a lot of things right! Some friends believed that money was the ultimate solution for freedom, overlooking the importance of stability, which led them in a different direction...

There are loads of families like that near us. And a lot of it is down to money and connections. People who have never had to worry about money do have more confidence. They never have to budget for nice things or save up for holidays. If something breaks, it is replaced immediately. They can afford to buy their children the latest trend trainers, sports bags, clothes. They hire cleaners and gardeners so they are not exhausted from work and housework.

They go away for the weekend often, hiring big houses to share with friends, can afford lavish dinner parties, so their social lives are securely within the same financial bracket, leading to good networking later on when their children need an internship or work experience. They know what skills help make connections in their own fields of work and related ones, so their children all ski, sail and play tennis.

They can afford to reflect their exact tastes in clothes, decor etc, and never make do with budget versions or handed down stuff.

If the DC fall behind, they can get in private tutors to help them catch up. If their teeth are crooked, they are righted immediately. The children grow up feeling very catered for.

All this leads to confidence and wellbeing if they are genuinely happy families beneath the cushioning effect of wealth. Some are, some aren't, from the ones I know.

I know lots of MC families like this: private school, successful businesses, tastefully decorated and interesting homes, organic veg boxes, no woman over a size 12, inherited jewellery, second homes, sailing, skiing, shooting, tennis parties and swimming pools, Manor houses, minor titles, opera, theatre, very late night dinner parties, silk dresses, Ascot etc.

But what you don’t see is: cancer, widowhood, mental breakdown, alcoholism, affairs, abusive husbands, sexual assault, job losses, broken relationships.

same as all people

It sounds like very hard work to me and not particularly relaxing, but possibly they have help with the drudgery of life behind the scenes. No-one has a perfect problem free life but I guess it helps if you aren't at all worried about money and can buy help. Some high flying jobs come with a lot of stress. Best not to make comparisons.

Surely this is upper middle class for one?

I honestly find it quite sad that you're thinking along these lines and have articulated your post in this way. It also seems quite teenage to me (sorry) to be comparing the outsides of someone else to how you view yourself. Why not just try to focus on your own interests and family, and enjoy your one precious life together? Be happy also if others seem to be flourishing.

I know a family like this although they aren’t particularly outdoorsy. I used to call them posh Barbie & Ken. Both from very privileged backgrounds, the standard 3 dc in private school, him in law on big bucks, her interior design naturally.

To be honest that describes most of my local friends - children at a private pre prep and the two major groups are either 1) perma busy but very switched on to school stuff two career families - both parents work / take turns to be available 2) glossy Home Counties mummies with less present city husbands (who often try + make up for it by doing the lion share at the weekend)

Everyone has large, regularly cleaned houses, most people have access holiday houses - either their own as we get older, or use of parents etc - lots of nice holidays, very present parents + often other family around. In a year group of 50 there are only 2 single parents - which I’m sure will change a bit as the children get older - it’s also super normal to have grandparents round the corner / close by to help. Plus a gardening team, regular handy man to keep on top of things etc.

They like to travel with their families, but are also quite on the ball about ‘capital culture’ - they’ll watch classic movies with their children + talk about them. They’ll take them to museums + concerts + exhibitions. They do the reading, are pretty diligent about nutrition + everyone has their children tucked up in bed before 7 - even if they aren’t asleep.

I like to maintain an air of being much more on-the-edge than I actually am - so I don’t get roped onto some sort of appalling parent social committee (the pta are like vultures, they can smell untapped competence from 100m) - but I, and at least 75% of the families at school are like your description OP - I promise that all of them are frazzled by bed time and always a bit worried they’re screwing everything up all the time. Some of them have explosive arguments with their husbands and some of them are desperate worried about sick family / wild child behaviour etc

it’s interesting you describe it as middle class. I’m not sure that term is very useful here really. What we / these people are is probably more to do with more money than a lot of people imagine.

not having to worry about money / bills frees up a lot of time + energy. It takes quite a lot of income / capital to fund a life where you don’t need to think about it beyond musing about pension contributions + occasionally having to sit down with boring rob from the bank to talk about investment risk appetite (rob does not find this boring, he is very animated about it, he often has charts)

our life costs about 90k after tax / year to tick over - with no mortgage. That includes school fees which we pay half of (grandparents pay other half), house keeper 2 days a week, team of gardeners, caterers for occasional party, music lessons, riding lessons, 2-3 overseas holidays, weekends in family holiday houses in Cornwall + Brighton.

I suspect all the families I know, who fit your description, are earning at least 200k / year between them, have wider family support + a pretty privileged background behind them - that allows them to confident navigate the social space that comes with longstanding familial wealth.

All this to say, I actually think it is 90% money - and the remaining 10% is a consequence of having a history of feeling financially comfortable. That sounds sh*tty - but I think it’s less awful than believing some people have a mythical ability that others are missing.

I know families like this in both the UK and US.

They're not UMC in the British sense because they're Irish. They come from solidly MC backgrounds in Ireland (the grandparents are artists, barristers, cardiologists, top civil servants). They tick all the boxes. They are also happy. You don't always have to have a tradeoff. Life isn't always whack-a-mole.

The US families live similar lives - similar careers in law or finance/ banking, business, or tech, and they do skiing, sailing their own boats, doing the MC sports - lacrosse, rowing, tennis. In the US, soccer is pretty MC, and they do that too. (In fact, British MC families aspiring to sports scholarships in the US should encourage their kids to play soccer). They own holiday homes and take frequent long weekends in summer. They entertain friends at home a lot and host luncheons for various groups.

All with the usual ups and downs in life. Happy families, quite often with strong bonds with the grandparents and extended family. Lots of fun with cousins.

Completely agree! These people aren't better than you because their kids do lots of extra clubs and they go on skiing holidays. You don't know anything about them really apart from a few coffee mornings and social media.

Also (and I know Mumsnet is obsessed with class) not necessarily "quintessentially middle class" -just rich. I grew up very middle class (big house, good education etc.) and I still consider myself to be and I don't relate to this description at all! For one thing we all hate team sports and are quite scruffy. I'm quite glad I'm not like this as it all sounds a bit exhausting!

To be honest I'd love my children to live like this when they are older & feel comfortable mixing with these types. They'll need to start working hard in school & I imagine get fairly lucky along the road too.

Network and income

I’m a SAHM, beautiful large house in the country, nice cars (owned outright), lovely holidays abroad, horses at home, skiing in winter, no money worries

I'd love to be taken care of. I'd feel so accomplished x

I agree everyone has their ups and downs and emotions.

Tbh (I'm definitely not saying I'm one of these people, far from it! :-D) I don't think this lifestyle has or is hugely out of reach, if people have been reasonably focussed.

1. Good university and grades, traditional career path, don't need to be a super-swot or academic super-achiever but know (say) when to apply for vacation schemes and how to target the graduate milkround. Need to be doing this from 1st/2nd year. City law, management consultancy etc.

1. Don't go mad spending or "exploring yourself" at uni, stay at parents house in vacations. Don't go too "alternative" with appearance and hobbies, just stay focussed on the career plan and schedule. If there's a small setback (say a failed uni module) take time and trust the process.

1. Meet partner with similar values and financial goals. So now you're dual income.

1. Some people may get a massive cash injection from family for a housing deposit. But two City workers on good graduate entry schemes can be on over £8000 a month so even with no parental help, that's saving for a London home.

1. Naturally pick up wholesome hobbies as you climb the ladder. Don't overspend on crazy things. In the early years, young graduates may be totally beasted and overworked. So not much time to go silly really.

1. Climb the property ladder, get bonuses, one person's salary will increase and other becomes SAHP or works part-time.

Obviously it's easy written down, but I have seen fairly focussed people get to this kind of lifestyle just by "sticking to the plan" and being reasonably frugal and getting through any difficult years. Inheritance is the icing on the cake.

Like most things it takes focus and effort over time (and no major bad luck like ill health or break-ups).

Keep the marriage unit going as that's a good way to preserve wealth.

And as people get more into this lifestyle, their networks (and children's networks) become made up of similar people so there's a feedback mechanism.

Like a pp said, once people have money, things become easier as they can then invest/property makes money over time so another feedback loop occurs.

I always feel for the occasional child born into this kind of family who is not high capacity, needs down time, is introvert and not mad on sports.

This is an excellent synopsis!

That type of child is nearly always a chess whizz! It WILL excel at something. These types of families don't do things by halves, the kids will be high performance at something & chess fits the bill here!

(the pta are like vultures, they can smell untapped competence from 100m

^

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