What are your fifty-something husbands like?

[BoPeepsSheep]

Because mine is starting to do my head in. It’s not just the huffing (and there’s a lot of huffing), it’s the general..I dunno….attitude.

I work p/t and do the vast majority of everything from cleaning to cooking, planning, birthdays, all that stuff. I think we’d call it the ‘mental load.’

DH is starting to find fault in everything. Started with watching me unpack the shopping and criticising what I’ve bought, then criticising/questioning things that go in the bin (‘why have you put that in the bin?’ - because it’s gone mouldy/it’s broken etc….I’m capable of deciding that…but I now cover things up in the bin to prevent him asking me).

In the last few weeks I’ve been researching a long weekend in Europe because we have a very rare child free period in the summer. I planned out a trip where we took the train to London, Eurostar to Brussels to visit some nearby places. I love train travel, which he’s aware of. He was in favour of this but wouldn’t sit down and book it, kept putting it off. We finally went to book it tonight.

At this point he looked at the details and started grumbling about having to start out early (8am) to get to London in time for the Eurostar connection. And the cost (£400 in total). So he decided we ought to fly because we could set off late morning instead, and it would cost £70 rather than £400.

He got really irritated and asked why I’d prefer to spend £400. He said I would want to be in bed by 9.30 if I’ve set out at 8am (slight exaggeration I’d say). I just knew he was looking at the ‘headline’ flight price so I told him to add the luggage and seats, at which point he realised the cost was actually £360 (not £70) which I suspected because I always book our holidays. I also explained that I just find train travel more relaxing.

After that he went off in a huff to watch TV elsewhere. We didn’t book anything. I feel increasingly fed up about little mini strops. I think he realised he’d been mistaken about the price and was annoyed with the whole thing.

I told him I’m genuinely happy to meet him in Brussels if he would prefer not to waste his time on a train.

Anyone else have a husband who acts like this?

Yep, mines the same. I believe it’s manopause, but unlike us ladies who go to the Drs for help, they do bugger all and carry on moaning.

My hubby used to be so laid back, he’s now critical and nit picking, it is annoying. I may send for a testosterone test as he won’t go to the Drs, he’s such a misery arse, and his libido has nose dived, and I need my rumpy pumpy regularly, 😝

Yep victor meldrew here

Mine grumbles a lot and is always worrying about worst case scenarios. He's also got a bad knee but refuses to see the doctor about it and it's really impacting on his mobility. I love him very much but he's been doing my head in lately.

Mine has become a weird hybrid of the moany critical specimen described above, and a super easy-going, affectionate dope.
Never know which version I'm going to wake up next to.

Mine is in his sixties, and no, he wouldn’t act like that.

Age is no excuse for rude and unpleasant behaviour, and I’d be calling him out on it every single time.

Good God, if he was going through the bin looking for things to criticise I think I’d ask him if he was looking for his life in there, the sad bugger.

And I’d be going to Brussels on my own.

@BoPeepsSheep

I just typed a long, long post but lost it.

I will precis in bullet points

Do you love your husband?

Has his shifting of the 'mental load' killed your love?

Did you see a similar dynamic between your own parents?

Do you feel like an equal partner?

Do you see your relationship as salvageable?

Do you see the end of your life with your husband by your side?

My point being, is he there because you're the best together, or is he there because he's there? Do you make each other's lives better?

If not, find a way to separate.

And to quote Ferris Buller (because you're my age and you'll understand).

'Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it'.

Honestly, no, not like this but it may because we stay off each others “turf” in terms of how we split things between us. We’re also both quite good at sitting on our hands and adhering to “Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.” 🤣. Mind you we’re not much past 50 so there’s still time.

My H would be horrified if I thought I had to hide things in bins from him. It's a bit weird if you think about it.

If/when he (and me) are a moody grump over nonsense we usually have a row which clears the air.

He can be

Were away for a couple of nights, I mapped out the trip and booked hotel, said to have a look at the places I'd planned and if he was happy

He spent about 4 hours re-checking other national trusts etc (that I'd said were closed) then redid itinerary with loads of detail -time, miles, parking - so I'd put half hr, he put 27 minutes - options for coffee, meals etc.

So now the rough guide is a military plan on an excel sheet

🤷‍♀️ no idea why

No, mine is nothing like this. This sounds dreadful. Have you pointed out to him how awful he's being?

It's going to cost £400 on Eurostar to Brussels?

I fancy going but hoped it would be cheaper?

Totally off topic, but I live in
Brussels and think there are way nicer capital cities to visit than here! But Eurostar is by far the easiest and nicest way to travel here. Grumpy husband here too !

My husband is admittedly only in his mid 40s but he knows the consequences of treating me like that would never be worth it. I don’t do everything in the house though and I don’t think that dynamic lends itself to mutually respectful interaction. It sounds like you’re underreacting to me - if my husband said in a critical tone ‘why have you put that in the bin?’ my starting point would be ‘who the fuck are you talking to?’ not beginning to hide things to avoid his critique!

Mine is 54, I can see bits of weirdness creeping in.

He wouldn't stand over me ever, in fact like another poster he does his stuff I do mine, I don't go and check his mowing.

But I do get the sulking and huffing, but to be fair I'm not perfect and can detect grumpy old lady sometimes.

This would drive me mad! I'd have to say something, although I don't know what and I can imagine he'd get very defensive. . I'm late (very late!)!50s, and divorced, and the more I read about husbands and live in partners in this age group, the more glad I am that I'm divorced 😂

(As a side note, I'm very surprised that leaving the house at 8 is considered too early. I'm at work at 8 am usually, and work is an hour and a half away!. It seems quite a civilised time to be leaving to go on holiday).

OP I would go with a friend

Same husband here. The bloody knee! I’d be sympathetic if he actually tried to do anything about it except moan.

Mine is mid 50s and not like this at all. If anything he's mellowed over the years and is much more understanding of 'mental load' issues.

@MiddleParking 😂

like your style - especially 'who the fuck do you think you're talking to?'

Mine was hyper-critical from his mid-thirties onwards. Honestly nothing escaped his caustic eye. I couldn't live like that and divorced him when he was late 40s.

To me being 'home' should involve peace & relaxation and these days I treasure it.

No mine's not like that. Mid 50s but still incredibly busy with work, works from home with occasional trips overseas. No chance for him to be critical over what I'm doing or not doing! Probably just as well. 😂

Nope mine is nothing like that either, I really don't think you should blame age. He's just being grumpy.

Mine got less grump when we got a dog…might have been coincidence. But she’s reliably pleased to see him, enjoys his company and hangs on to his every word. Takes the pressure of me so I can get on with my own stuff while the two of them have a mutual love in.

highly recommend it.

Thank you for starting this thread, following with interest. I feel like I am married to an old man, I think some things are new and some have become worse. Lots of nitpicking and general negativity, watches news in the morning and when they get home (which I attribute to the negativity), sleeping in and always being tired (doesn't help staying uo late and watching TV), but the sighing, yawning and moaning is really getting on my nerves. He also basically doesn't do anything except go to work and the occasional work drink. He's become so boring to be around. I feel like I'm married to an 80yo.

Mine is in his sixties and nothing like that, if he was I’d call him out every time. It’s the attitude that sounds wearying - okay good idea to check prices to compare but don’t grump.
The only bee in his bonnet mine has is with cyclists wearing specialist cycling clothes that are dark colours…this he constantly grumps at but nothing else.
What happens when you say something?