What are your fifty-something husbands like?

[BoPeepsSheep]

Because mine is starting to do my head in. It’s not just the huffing (and there’s a lot of huffing), it’s the general..I dunno….attitude.

I work p/t and do the vast majority of everything from cleaning to cooking, planning, birthdays, all that stuff. I think we’d call it the ‘mental load.’

DH is starting to find fault in everything. Started with watching me unpack the shopping and criticising what I’ve bought, then criticising/questioning things that go in the bin (‘why have you put that in the bin?’ - because it’s gone mouldy/it’s broken etc….I’m capable of deciding that…but I now cover things up in the bin to prevent him asking me).

In the last few weeks I’ve been researching a long weekend in Europe because we have a very rare child free period in the summer. I planned out a trip where we took the train to London, Eurostar to Brussels to visit some nearby places. I love train travel, which he’s aware of. He was in favour of this but wouldn’t sit down and book it, kept putting it off. We finally went to book it tonight.

At this point he looked at the details and started grumbling about having to start out early (8am) to get to London in time for the Eurostar connection. And the cost (£400 in total). So he decided we ought to fly because we could set off late morning instead, and it would cost £70 rather than £400.

He got really irritated and asked why I’d prefer to spend £400. He said I would want to be in bed by 9.30 if I’ve set out at 8am (slight exaggeration I’d say). I just knew he was looking at the ‘headline’ flight price so I told him to add the luggage and seats, at which point he realised the cost was actually £360 (not £70) which I suspected because I always book our holidays. I also explained that I just find train travel more relaxing.

After that he went off in a huff to watch TV elsewhere. We didn’t book anything. I feel increasingly fed up about little mini strops. I think he realised he’d been mistaken about the price and was annoyed with the whole thing.

I told him I’m genuinely happy to meet him in Brussels if he would prefer not to waste his time on a train.

Anyone else have a husband who acts like this?

I tried that.

Then he critiqued me for laziness 😬.

Really not grumpy here. He's developed a great enthusiasm for cricket though (playing and following), which I would say was a sign of late middle age apart from the surprising number of younger friends he's made as a result!

I'm definitely the one in our relationship who tends to get sucked into routine / things being in the 'right' place etc, but I also try really hard to be aware of that tendency in myself & keep it under control.

Going through the bin ?

Mine can be a bit like that , then I just say ok GOB (grumpy old bastard) this is the world I use that makes him then think am I being a GOB , then he usually releases he is being a grumpy old man. We decided this when we were In our thirties, as I told him is grandpa was a grumpy old man and his dad was turning into a grumpy old man and that I was not going to live with a grumpy old man when I was a old woman. So we decided that if I used the NAME GOB TO Him instead of his own name that he would think about how he was behaving.

@CurlewKate Parents, media, halthcare, yourself? I don't think it is too off the mark to say that mental health and emotional intelligence is not somethign that was prioroitised or really understood that well for people growing up in the late sixties and seventies - especially boys and men who were still until recently taught to swallow or sqaush uncomfortable emotions.

I agree. My dh seems totally incapable of any kind of analysis of himself. I often examine my own behaviour and wonder where the causes come from and if it's justified.

Mine is a star. We are very 50/50 in everything. I also haven’t ironed in decades which is also a positive.

I can honestly say in 24 years we’ve never had a massive argument, a few terse words here and there but nothing major.

He is kind, funny, a shite cook, an even worse dancer but would give me his last penny if I needed it. We both still hold each others hand too, much to the horror of our 18 year old DD.

@Ginmonkeyagain my father was born in 1947, was the son of a man who was a Japanese prisoner of war, was the product of a boarding school education.

He should be the worst.

And yet, and yet, he wasn't.

He is a man that has five children, the oldest of whom are all girls/women/female.

He was and is a brilliant father to daughters. There was not one point of my childhood where I ever felt lesser, he always pushed me to be better, he always did and does see me as great. He adores me, he always thought I was pretty special. He always thought all of us were pretty special.

I always felt loved, secure and seen by my father.

I must admit I like hearing the good stories too.

It sounds to me like he's worried about money. Is everything at work okay? is it possible he's concerned about redundancy or not having enough pension to retire?

First up I want to say I do adore MrC and we normally have a well balanced, loving and respectful relationship. He is, however, starting to creep into curmudgeon territory and we have had a few showdowns recently.

I have done the laundry for the 20 odd years we have been together. He decided to make a very petty, overly critical and wholly unjustified comment about how I was doing it. I told him in no uncertain terms it was his job now - he obviously thought he knew better than the person that did it, so he could 'ave at it.

I've not relented on this and to this day he does the laundry* - I consider it a object lesson on 'fuck with me and find out'.

I saw it in action, in a very similar vein to the OP, when he was unloading the shopping I had gone out to buy. He, despite not meal planning or taking the time to add to the list, made a remark that once again was petty and disagreeable - he stopped, realised what was about to happen and tried to back track at the speed of light.

He now is doing the meal planning & shopping. (this was going be a short term thing but he is using weaponized incompetence so I am standing firm until he realises that is not going to work out for him)

I am hoping that by heading this behaviour off at the pass it will curtail it somewhat because i feel its the type of thing that can become slowly pervasive.

I must stress, I really don't want to speak ill of MrC - he is a funny wonderful person and a great partner nearly all of the time. This snapshot of one small issue in a relationship that is mostly a lovely place to be.

*He believed the comparable mirror chore for the laundry was mowing so I took that chore on so we remain 50/50. He was quite shocked how relentless laundry is and now suddenly hes very frugal with what gets washed and when. He was also very pee'd off when I bought myself a lawn robot that automates the mowing. He gets a slightly sour look on his face every time the wee thing happily bumbling about the garden. 😂

I feel very similar to you. My dh is a good guy. He'd do anything for me.... except stop interfering in relatively minor household chores!

People don't have to be shit @LaDerniereVacheFolle.

People can be good.

It takes fucking work though.

And conversations and a willingness to have conversations.

And an understanding why conversations are even happening.

Openness is really important, to stand in the light as a family and understand why it matters.

I didn't speak to one of my siblings for a year not too long ago, because it took that for me to repeatedly say, 'I'm not going to repeat that dynamic' and cutting off any communication that cycled it, to get beyond it.

But, I absolutely believe that the people that you love, that surround you, it's worth your while to drill down with those relationships. Get to the bottom, be seen, be stretched out, exposed.

It's so fucking good to be really seen by those you love.

my husband will be 50 soon - new baby on the way and a toddler - we are off backpacking for my maternity leave and he's out all the time at gigs / we do a lot of music festivals each year!

can't see him slowing down anytime soon - i really hope he doesn't
get like this in the next few years - how depressing

Gosh. Going to show this to Dh when he complains about being tired.

I know you said about Dh’s in their 50s but mine is 62 and nothing like yours OP. We’ve been together 33 years. He is funny, generous, sociable and affectionate. He never criticises me and has always put my best interests first.
i couldn’t be doing with a grumpy bum!

On threads like this, I do often wonder for some of the posters, why they don't just split up. I'd understand if finances or kids were a reason but that's often not the case come 50/60.
Just accept that a relationship has run its course, you've grown apart, you've changed, you're not the people you each fell in love with any more. And. That that's fine.
It was lovely. And now it's not. So, move on.
We only get one life that we know of.

It just seems so many women seem to utterly despise their husbands and their life's, and then, do nothing about it.

This sounds annoying! Mine can be grumpy and ranting. Seems to like to moan about everything and everyone - hates any male TV presenter, mansplains and talks over any show I watch, which he inevitably hates.

But, I think it's easier because he rarely complains about me or things I'm doing. When he is in a grump with me, we have an open discussion about his mood: for example, is he having a bad day, is he hangry. And we've turned the generic moaning about politics, TV, mansplaining etc into a mini joke, so when I pull him up on it he doesn't feel threatened or attacked.

It seems to work for us, he can have his moan, which he likes to do. But I can nip it in the bud if it's getting too much.

• "Come on now, you're talking all over the TV and I can't watch my show."

Or, if he is snappy with me "you seem very annoyed about [a disorganised kitchen cupboard], let's schedule some time to sort it together. Let's not argue about it." Or if he is angry driving, "you haven't eaten this morning, are you hangry?"

Feels like talking to a toddler sometimes. But I love him. And it helps that he is pretty self-aware of his moods and that he's being OTT. I think he appreciates the attention and care.

I told him in no uncertain terms it was his job now - he obviously thought he knew better than the person that did it, so he could 'ave at it.

I've not relented on this and to this day he does the laundry - I consider it an object lesson on 'fuck with me and find out'.*

The only problem with this is that you will have to bite your lip if anything he does doesn’t meet your standards. Otherwise he might be handing the object lesson back.

Mine is 56 and a sweetheart. I love talking to him about movies, books, politics and ideas - he is always interesting! And he is a big teddy bear with our daughter. I wish he'd be quicker in the loo, though. Or at least not take in a cup of tea.

Mines an arsehole. I just served him with divorce papers this week.

😂

😂 good for you. You'll be blown away by how much happier you are. I wanted to frame and hang my my decree nisi such was it such a happy turning point in my life, with hindsight.

It's fine.

It's ok.

But your ex-husbands.

Are your ex husbands.

I think this is a bit of a misinterpretation. A lot of these posters, including myself, aren't actually unhappy or have terrible husbands. These are more minor irritances. I don't want to leave him...I just would like him to not moan about how I load the dishwasher!