Being mistaken for a man

[Vroomfondleswaistcoat]

It happened AGAIN last night and it's now not funny any more.

I work in retail, customer facing, and last night a customer said to the small child with her 'go and give the things to the man' (me). This is now the fifth time in the last year or so that this has happened, with various customers, usually someone talking to a child, a couple of times men who've called me 'mate' then said 'sorry, thought you were a bloke'.

I have very short grey hair and I'm not pretty. I look like my Dad, can't help that. Our uniforms are unflattering, but even so I would have thought it was obvious that I have a 36DD bust and quite a small waist. I sound like a woman. At first it was funny, but now I'm starting to get snappy about it and I worry that next time I might go full force 'I AM A WOMAN!' and strip off my shirt to prove it.

No, I won't. Probably. But what do I do? I can't wear make up (allergies) and refuse to grow my hair. Do I now have to accept that, at over 60, I might as well be a man?

I was once the customer in this scenario and I was absolutely mortified when I realised. If it helps, it wasn't that the poor woman I offended looked like a man at all. It was that I wasn't wearing my glasses and I was distracted talking to DD2 so wasn't looking properly.

All of this to say that it will be nothing about you, it's to do with them.

Deep down I know it's a 'them' thing (perhaps not got glasses on, not paying attention, judging purely by the short hair), but it's really not doing my self esteem much good!

In the case of the parents talking to a child I would cut them a lot of slack, they probably haven't slept for a few years and just caught a glimpse of you out of the corner of their eye

You mean they are misgendering you? You could report that as a hate crime, I believe.

i am 5’6 and about 58kg, longish black hair and i wear quite heavy makeup! recently someone told their kids ‘mind out for those two lads’ meaning me and my boyfriend. then yesterday at the self scan in lidl a staff member said ‘sorry sir’ 🙄🙄🙄

They weren't parents, they were grandparents, but I thought it was a bit ageist to put this in the original post. And I was standing right in front of them!

Maybe some nice earrings 🤔
I think some people just assume every woman with very short hair is a man! No idea why. If it's bothering you though, perhaps some nice jewelry would give you a feminine touch if you really can't wear any makeup, although there are specialist brands these days for allergies. Not that you should have to do this of course! But, if you have short hair and wear zero make-up or anything else feminine, it will probably keep happening and upsetting you.

I wouldn’t worry about it, but if it bothers you unfortunately make up and jewellery are the signifiers you need if you have short hair

I don't have pierced ears, earrings are tricky in our workplace anyway, and I look bloody stupid in make up. This is really just a cautionary tale for those who deal with people with very short hair - double check or just don't refer to sex at all! It's now beginning to border on the offensive - maybe I should ask for our uniform to be changed for something 'girlie'....

Say it back. Call the man madam etc.

I have the same problem. Just say this isn't Specsavers!

@AzureBlue99 That's a very good idea! Although I'm bound to get someone shouting MISGENDER at me, and probably management interference. I'm not sure that 'they said it first' is a great defence.

@muddyford Solidarity. It's bloody horrible, isn't it?

I think I might grow my hair! I also have short grey hair😂

I think this is one where if there is no harm meant, there should be no harm taken.

It seems clear from what you are saying it's a genuine mistake, not at attempt to be rude/belittling.

I used to find it quite useful when I was young, made me feel safer walking home at night. Now I just accept that I'm not that easy to categorise and I have no intention of adding 'earrings and makeup' so that I can fit in with other people's expectations.

But that only works if you actually are a man.

Im not sure what could help. A bow in your hair, a hat, some lipstick?

@willingtolearn No, I know there's no harm meant. None of it is done deliberately, and it's usually busy people who don't really 'look' at shop assistants, they just see a person in front of them with short hair and make a snap decision. I'm not angry with THEM, per se, more with the way it makes me feel, if you see what I mean.

@fruitbrewhaha No hats allowed, strictly uniform. I daren't put on lipstick, I'd look even more like a man trying out his wife's make up. I'm really not well favoured in the looks department, unfortunately. I do have a very feminine shaped body though (the only thing I'm proud of!)

My sister has cropped (blonde) hair but is tiny and very feminine looking and has been called sir a couple of times in shops. It drives her crazy but it really is that people just don't really look/aren't paying attention. Nothing about your description makes it sound like you look masculine, I think you just have to remember that sadly a fair proportion of the population are just a bit thick

A pink bow in your hair?

#helpful

😜😜🤓

Not enough hair to put a bow in! I'd look like one of those tiny babies that mums stick a bow onto minimal hair to indicate that they've had a girl!

Tinted lip balm and mascara would sort this out

Are your ears pierced?

In my 30s (and quite youthful looking) I bleached my hair platinum. Loved it but did get fed up of the people who thought I was my friends mother when we were out. Same as others - people do a very quick glance and then dont pay attention.

please tell me this is a fucking joke?

Why does it matter to you ?