Being mistaken for a man

[Vroomfondleswaistcoat]

It happened AGAIN last night and it's now not funny any more.

I work in retail, customer facing, and last night a customer said to the small child with her 'go and give the things to the man' (me). This is now the fifth time in the last year or so that this has happened, with various customers, usually someone talking to a child, a couple of times men who've called me 'mate' then said 'sorry, thought you were a bloke'.

I have very short grey hair and I'm not pretty. I look like my Dad, can't help that. Our uniforms are unflattering, but even so I would have thought it was obvious that I have a 36DD bust and quite a small waist. I sound like a woman. At first it was funny, but now I'm starting to get snappy about it and I worry that next time I might go full force 'I AM A WOMAN!' and strip off my shirt to prove it.

No, I won't. Probably. But what do I do? I can't wear make up (allergies) and refuse to grow my hair. Do I now have to accept that, at over 60, I might as well be a man?

So people are assuming your sex based on your hair? I suppose this is the problem with assuming someone's sex based on physical attributes. You genuinely can't always tell.

It could be down to stereotyping? If you work somewhere like B&Q maybe it could be that some people just can't get their head around the fact that a woman could be knowledgeable about DIY stuff.

I work in dementia care and my patients frequently refer to me as that man in the blue shirt. I'm tall, slim, with dark curly hair tied back, I wear make-up and sparkly stud earrings, and I'm pretty sure I don't look like a man, other than being 5ft 10 and not 5ft 2. Then again, one of the ladies frequently mistakes the kitchen porter for her deceased husband, bless her. I just laugh it off. I know I'm a woman.

There are two explanations - people don't actually look at you , and just make a split second judgement due to their ignorance.

The other is people do think you look feminine, but guess wronlgly that you are trying to portray yourself as a man . These people think they are doing the right thing by saying he / the man .

Do you wear a name badge ? Would you be open to having your pronouns displayed for the customers to see?

I am a very feminine woman but when I had short hair and wore a baggy uniform I was mistaken for a young man 😂 I think people just see the hair sometimes.

This only ever happened to me when I had short hair. I'm tall (as tall as many men or taller) and I'm not some dainty waif. I think my face is actually pretty feminine but I noticed people often just don't look properly. They'd see this figure out of the corner of their eye who was tall with short hair and they'd say "excuse me sir" or whatever.
I'm sure that's what's happening with you - a quick glance, see someone with short hair and just think it's a man. If they looked properly they'd know!

It'll be the hair. People are glancing at you out of the corner of their eye and seeing what they think is a man's hairstyle.

I suppose you could either change your hair if you wanted to or put up with people who don't see detail. Do you care enough to do something different with your hair? I'm not sure I would if I liked having short hair.

I find this interesting. You don’t want to look particularly feminine but also don’t want to look like a bloke. I kind of get it. The trouble is, unless you’re blessed with obviously feminine facial features, which many are, but many equally aren’t, this is bound to happen at some point, more so the older you get. If it really bothers you, you’ll have to do something visually obvious to stop it happening. You just have to decide which means more to you, not getting mistaken for a bloke or not having to alter your appearance.

It's probably just the hair. Exactly the same happens to men with long hair.

I can honestly say I have never ever ever been mistaken for a man. It is not my irresistible beauty. I am also not the very walking embodiment of femininity… I am simply quite fat. There is too much of me. And all of my most womanly attributes are writ large.

Being fat is nothing to be proud of but even this enormous cloud can have its silver lining.

“Get fat” is bad advice. So I have no advice. Sorry, OP. 🤐

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen Have a day off, dont be so ridiculous.

If you have short hair and wear no makeup this is where the confusion is coming from.
If you don't want to grow your hair or wear make up to look more feminine then your going to have to accept it.

if you’re not a make-up/ earring kind of gal, what about a headscarf / headband? I think they can be feminine without being too girly-girly. And they look great with workwear - a bit 40s Land Girl! There are so many nice ones on Etsy, eg https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/moaningminnie?ref=related&from_page=listing&listing_id=856249378#items

Let them.

This often happens to me, far more recently in these “enlightened” times of fiercely rigid gender ideology.

I can honestly say it doesn’t bother me one bit. I know who I am, what I am, and nothing anyone says can shake that.
If some people are so precious that they think short hair and non-feminine clothing makes me a man they have bigger problems going on, and I’m not going to waste my energy on them.

I'm puzzled by this post. Would you explain, please Jilltee?

It happened to me a few times.

I'm short, fat and hairy. First time was 20 years ago when I was on my lunch break from work. I was wearing a smart suit - jacket, blouse and knee length skirt.

Bloke bumped into me and said excuse me, sir, or sorry, sir I can only remember it was an apology and he said sir. I could only hear like a comedy echo of sir sir sir ir...ir...r..r..

I didn't say anything but I burst into tears when I got to my office and closed the door.

Recently I got here you go mate...(double take) er..love. From a delivery driver. So at least he realised I was a woman. Or a man being a woman maybe.

I know it's shallow of me and stupid but it hurts to be reminded I'm so ugly (pcos - fat, alopecia, facial hair).

I am housebound these days so at least I don't need to worry I'll be verbally abused in a public loo because I look like a man trying to look like a woman. Every cloud I guess 🤷

I get this too. I had to cut my hair very short (slowly growing out now and driving me nuts!), 5ft 11", athletic figure, don't wear make up, not a girly girl, drive heavy plant for a living... I've been referred to as the tall lad a few times. Makes it all the more funnier when they realise it's a woman who has just rather niftily parallel parked that massive dumper truck though!

This is where all this transgender crap starts. Why on EARTH should the OP conform to your ideas of “femininity” just to avoid being mistaken for a man?

Shes not a man, she’s a woman. Having short hair, not wearing makeup or hair bows or jewellery does not make her male. Painting her face, growing her hair and bedazzling herself doesn’t make her female.

Well you’re one up on me…I have shaved short hair and some child pointed at me in the supermarket and called me a ‘silly sausage’. The poor mum was mortified! 😂I do also get confused for a man, which is weird cause I’m 5ft 2 and curvy…just baldy and curvy. I don’t wear makeup. I can’t say I care. If I wanted to be feminine I could do something about that but I prefer the convenience of a shaved head and no makeup.

My DP had long hair when he was younger, before he had to admit defeat against the receding hairline, and he was regularly called a female by customers. Memorably, a child going through the checkout he worked on said “look mummy, that man is a goat”. At least they got ‘man’ but he wasn’t all that impressed with being a goat!

I have been called 'sir' when wearing makeup,a skirt and jewellery (possibly heels as well); but I had short hair. People see that and that's all. However, I was buying the Times and according to the woman behind the counter when I gently queried the sir, it's always men that buy that 🙄

People are on auto pilot half the tine. I'm sure people don't really think you're a man once they know you. If you don't want this to happen there are options as people have suggested.

"Ask that bloke"

"Specsavers is that way"

"Eh?"

"Clearly you need an eye test to be able to tell men from women!"

I am also over 60, work in retail and often get referred to as "mate" by men who then look startled and say sorry when I speak. I am in a food department where I have to wear one of the netted white hats and tuck my hair away, I am 5' 11" so I presume its my height that throws people off. I don't let it bother me, its the customer whose made the mistake who is the embarrassed one, I just carry on as if I haven't noticed whilst inwardly smirking to myself and thinking, there's another unobservant one.

I understand. Not sure why some posters are ring so mean. It is annoying to be called the wrong sex and upsetting. My mum has always had this as she is tall, has short hair and doesn’t wear make up or jewellery. It’s particularly not fun getting funny looks when you go to use public toilets. I don’t think there is much that can be done though if you don’t want to change your appearance. But I do get how annoying it is.

I remember a fellow female student nurse with short spiky hair in a mullet style when we were training. On the ward there was a long stay patient who was quite elderly who used to shout “boy, boy, BOY” across the ward at her. She even had lots of make up on and he still thought she was male. I used to piss myself laughing 🙈. She found it funny as well!

I wonder if some of it is people afraid to misgender now and presume your a women transitioning rather than thinking you actually are a man.

Id have to double take people a few times and tend to settle with using the job title instead. Much easier.

Such as the check out person with long blonde hair, fake nails, lippy and a beard… I just complimented their nails and got on with my day. Maybe they had pcos maybe they where trans maybe they where a man who likes make up but I wasn’t about to have that fight 😅 their voice was very could go either way too no help.