Feel forced into abortion due to finances

[PolledandBolled]

I’d love some advice. I recently found I’m pregnant while in hospital for something completely unrelated. It’s tricky as I wasn’t trying (have copper coil) and the dad is my now ex boyfriend I split with over Christmas. He’s already seeing someone else.

I paid for a private scan this week and I’m 9 weeks. I would like to keep the baby as I’m 29, I have PCOS so periods are irregular and I think I’d make a good mum. It’s just the finances.

I’ve told my ex and he doesn’t want involvement (now blocked) which is fine by me. I know he earns around 26,000 so CMS calculator says this will be £260 a month.

Im mainly worried about maternity leave. I normally earn 1900 after tax but my maternity leave is as follows

8 weeks full pay
16 weeks half pay
Rest SMP

my current bills (I’m going to be really honest)

Car finance- £230
Rent-£700
Utility bills including WiFi- £400
Credit Cards- £150 (minimum amount)
Car insurance- 55.00
Tax- 16
Phone- 48
£1489
Leaves 361 for food/petrol/socialising on a normal month. I have 7.00 in my savings account post Christmas!

I just don’t know how I’m going to survive when my maternity leave goes to 800/900 pound because even with maintenance it’s still going to be only 1100 which won’t cover my bills let alone anything else.

I’ve had some debt left over from my uni days (funded everything myself and couldn’t work as did social work and was on placement) and I’ve been trying hard to pay it off and I’m so worried about missing payments and getting a CCJ.

My parents are not in a financial position to support, they may help with childcare (help my brother currently twice a week and my nephew is going to school in September) but won’t be able to help with money. £700 rent is cheap for our area and I don’t want to sell my car really as I think it’ll isolate me as public transport isn’t great.

I just feel so trapped. My long term plan was to pay off my debt and save for maternity please but this is unexpected of course.

Slaves wages? Give over. Plenty manage to raise a family on less. She is also not that young. There is no guarantee she will get pregnant again. Plus she will get benefits. It isnt that much of a disaster so calm down.

Good advice. Having a baby with someone means tying you and your family to them for life. How well do you know them all?

Financially, you can't rely on maintenance. He could lose his job, skip the country, have multiple other children etc. etc.

I’m not a single parent but I know what’s it like on the other side - and tbh it’s the impact of the child that should be prioritised irrespective of whether someone finds joy in being a single parent or not. My perspective is being a child who had no living memory of having a dad around (left when I was 3) and it was awful. Not sure if I was any better off that my friends whose parents split up when they were say 9 or 14.

Had a good childhood overall, as I was one of those kids who made the most of things and found joy in friendship, books, sports etc, but that aspect of it - having a deadbeat dad - has been a shadow for a lot of my life right up into adulthood.

I really hope if I have children I can give them a decent father because although I think I’d (probably ) cope well as a single parent - I’m an extremely independent person and I love being around children - I’d feel bad seeing history being repeated.

Council tax though?

You'll get child benefit and as other PP said, see what UC you'll be entitled to. Maternity leave will be fine IME, I'd think more about childcare once you're back at work as they can cost a lot.

That said, if you want the baby I'm sure it can all be worked out.

Try using an online benefits calculator to see if/what/how much you would be entitled to. I'm a single mum to two and manage just fine on the sort of figures that you are talking about. Xx

All the suggestions for reducing bills and not buying anything new, great. But your biggest issue is the next 5-10 years, not your mat leave. Someone said don’t take a full 6 months, but where is the baby supposed to go while you’re working?

I might be in the minority, but if you’re planning to WFH with a baby that can really go both ways. I used to not be able to put mine down the whole day… a friend had a toddler who would scream if she took her attention away for just minutes. What would be your plan?

Firstly, congratulations 😍🧡💛❤️💚🩵💜

secondly, get yourself onto www.entitledto.co.uk and fill in all your details on the calculator. Input the potential CMS (and also do a calculation without it, as you never know, your ex may be very difficult in the process of getting it) and see how much you’re entitled to, because I’m sure you’ll be entitled to some support, especially the child element and the housing element. You’ll also be entitled to £20 a week child benefit that you can apply for once your baby is born and you have their birth certificate.

So please before you make any decisions, look on the link and check out how much you could be entitled to! You might be surprised ❤️

Could you reduce your pension contributions for a short while?

I wouldn’t rely on the child maintenance
you won’t believe the shit men will do to avoid paying child support

if he’s not interested now and has blocked you then it’s unlikely he is going to be happy about paying 250 a month towards his child and will probably try to find ways around it
i know men who have gone abroad
given up work
become a stay at home dad to new partners kids / or their own kid to reduce child support

if he’s not on the birth certificate he will probably have to have a DNA test before he pays anything via cms

this can take several months to do so honestly I would just discount any sort of child support

use it if you get it but don’t rely on it to pay bills

The fact that your ex 'does not want involvement'' doesn't mean that he can avoid paying for his kid...He will still have to contribute financially.

Get some advice from your local CAB to discuss child support and every benefit you might be entitled to.

Frankly in your case I would keep the baby. You are 29 and you have a medical condition that makes it harder to conceive.

Get yourself on the council housing list or look at whether there are housing associations in the area you could rent from.

There are social tariffs for broadband once you are in receipt of certain benefits.

Unfortunately a lot of men do get away with not paying anything so it's best not to rely on it.

Nursery? OP will get most of the fees covered as a single parent.

It can go either way. I stopped seeing my dad as a child and it didn't bother me at all, I was never close with him anyway.

There are a lot of naive posters on here of course finances matter when it comes to raising a child even without a child you are barely managing.

I get the desire and fear associated with wanting one and the possibility of that not happening but just because you want doesn’t mean you should.

With the information you have given so far I would say you are being selfish.

You mentioned that your parents may help with childcare but you need to at least get this confirmed first, they may say no.

Children deserve to be given the best possible start in life and a single parent who can’t afford to live before the child was born is not it.

I think in your circumstances I would proceed especially as you have a supportive family. Babies don’t actually need so much and NCT sales are a good place to pick up larger items and bundles. As others have said benefits help will be available to you even if your ex is difficult about making his contribution.
Have a look at the money makeover and debt free wannabe sections on Money Saving Expert, lots of great tips. You mention your credit card payment is the minimum amount please look for the threads posted byTalkinpeace on here. A brilliant illustration of how to pay off credit card debt in the least stressful way. If your wage decreases then your student loan payments will also decrease automatically I believe but of course interest still accrues.

You need to think about childcare costs after you go back to work. How many days can your parents look after your child per week when you're at work and would this be permanent until your child starts secondary school? Having a child and going on maternity leave doesn't solve 1% of the childcare costs you will face over the years to come when you are working where more than half your salary is eaten up for the first few years and then you have to find someone to pick your child up after school whilst you're working. Think about the days you will miss when your child is sick. You can get rid of your car, internet, tv, eat less whatever use marketplace for baby stuff but you can't get rid of childcare costs if you have the child.

Also my main question is as someone who has pcos and is pregnant to a second child at 36 going onto 37, do you want to have a child where the dad isn't present and wants no involvement? I appreciate there are a lot of single parents/widows who have ended relationships for various reasons such as abuse, being deceased etc but do you think it's a good idea for the child to be born in these circumstances from the very start not just for financial reasons but being a child where the dad doesn't want you isn't the nicest thing for the child and it's best interest. I know some will come on and say "yeah but I was happy" but you'll never know until the child is born and experiences it and how they feel. Wouldn't you want to be with someone who is on the same page as you and want to have a child together where your child is wanted?

Of course you are young you can meet someone, blend families or whatever but is that dynamic going to be healthy for your child? Please put the child first before your wants and needs as this child has no choice whereas you do. Good luck

OP will get 85% of childcare costs paid for as a single parent on that wage. It will not cost her half her salary

My dad was a violent alcoholic. He may as well have not existed. I am sure the baby if OP goes ahead will manage in the same way many others in my situation do. It isn't ideal but life doesn't always follow a smooth path.

Op if you want your baby you can make it work. If you wfh why are you paying so much for a car? Get rid of it or buy a run around and start saving that money.

All good advice but he may dodge paying CM.

I have known two women raise their children alone as abandoned when PG, one is a relative of mine and the other was a friend. My relatives ex moved overseas to work and the other received very intermittent payments. What I’m writing is do not rely on money from your ex as sad as that is because he has made it very clear from the start that he has zero interest. I have knew someone whose ex was a solicitor and somehow managed to hide his income plus someone whose ex worked cash in hand so gave very little.

I suppose deep down you need to decide if your desire to be a parent is greater than having an easier life and though not impossible possibilities and opportunities are much harder. Single parents sacrifice a lot.

You'll make it work. I had a two month son at 19 when I started university. I was living alone. It was incredibly difficult but I made it work. It's surprise what you can do when you are a parent!

Are you mental? Exactly what are the benefits to single parenting? C’mon now! Unless your partner was a total deadbeat there’s no benefit. We KNOW that children in two parent homes have an advantage. This has been proven. Some even call it the two parent privilege. More money, more resources, more attention. As a single parent, You cannot give a child what you can give them in a two parent home. End of.

And to the pps saying she can get housing and all these benefits… just wow. Way to encourage a welfare situation. Utterly gross.

it honestly says a lot about the op though, and her ambition-less way of moving about life. I could not imagine being totally okay with putting myself on a poverty trajectory because!?!? Because I want a baby. Jesus. Now if I were 40 I might consider that, but holy hell…

Finally, so damn sense.

I’m outraged at the number of people telling her she should do it because she wants it. You nailed it. She’s utterly selfish.

I’m imagining she’ll try to also go after the dad for maintenance because she’ll need every penny she can get to barely scratch by. Imagine living life this way when you absolutely had a choice? Straight out of a trailer park man.

i agree it is selfish

i understand your desire but to knowingly start out as single parent struggling is selfish