What made you realise you might have been poor growing up ?

[LanaL]

As the title suggests - when you think back to your childhood is there anything that makes you realise you were poor ?

When I was younger at Christmas , we didn’t have stockings at the end of our beds , we had carrier bags . Like Asda carrier bags . I loved it, I always found it magical to wake up and Santa had put presents in our carrier bag!

Again at Christmas , every individual thing was wrapped - I always remember having mountains of presents , but looking back lots of them were cheap and small ( not that it mattered to me ! ) one of my favourite presents that we used to get each year was a paper folder full of plain white paper. This folder would be decorated with our name and drawings of things we liked ( I remember one year it was decorated with drawings of hedgehogs because I loved hedgehogs ) and separately would be a packet of felt pens wrapped up . I loved that , my mom and dad would sit with us and we would all draw and colour together !

Asking for snacks / drinks - we never , ever would have dreamed of going to get a bag of crisps without asking. We could make squash but fizzy pop had to be asked for . Also - milk ! It was like a luxury , never could we just pour a glass of milk ! Very rare that we actually ever drank a glass of milk . Looking back I think my parents struggled but you don’t realise that at the time . I’m the total opposite now , my children do have to ask for unhealthy snacks so I can limit them but there are always plenty and they don’t eat loads so I never really say no and things like fruit or food - like if they want toast or a sandwich - they can help themselves .

Pudding / desert - I always have something available , it may not always be a cake but there is always something - cookies , muffins , yoghurts etc always something they can have after dinner but as a child we never had it and if ever we happened to - mom had got a cake or baked - it was a huge treat .

we never ate out. I can’t remember a single time we ever went out to a restaurant or a pub for food . I don’t have a single memory of going for a meal with my family as a child and , actually, I remember arranging a meal for my 21st after I had moved out and I’m pretty certain I remember thinking that this was the first time I had been for a meal with my family. One of my brothers weren’t there so I don’t think I’ve ever sat with my parents and all my siblings at a meal .

I never saw my mom in new clothes until I was an adult and her and my dad had seperated. I remember her wearing very random t shirts, that had been my dads or I know someone had given to her and my dads t shirts were work ones , he always seemed to be in work clothes .

I remember some of my clothes being what people had given to us , or my aunt worked in a video store and she always had merchandise so i remember having t shirts with film logos on .

Shopping - my mom would go out most days with her shopping trolley , walking , to the high street and she would do this most days with a list that has prices next to each item ( exact prices , like £1.59 ) I now realise that she was on that tight a budget that she counted every penny , went with the trolley to get what she could and walk home as she couldn’t afford taxis or buses. She walked everywhere ! My dad had cars on and off but would work during the day .

Holidays - we went on holiday once as a family that I remember , vaguely , as I was about 6 . I went on holidays with family friends and family but not as a family .

My mom never had her hair done . I vaguely remember her having a perm once , that’s it. She used to shave my dads head , and my brothers . Me and my sister would have our fringe cut by my mom and a family friend would cut our hair. But I do remember when I was in secondary school mom would take me for haircuts at the hairdresser. I wonder know how much she had to budget for that .

As a parent now , I realise how much my parents struggled and how they sacrificed for us because in light of the above this is what I also remember :

Every Christmas my brothers would have the latest console and I would have what I had asked for , along with loads of small presents that I now realise were to bulk up .

Once we were in secondary school - our PE tracksuits were named brand , always from the lady over the road who ran a catalogue . Our coats in secondary school were branded - again catalogue- as were my brothers shoes . At our ages it was “rock port “ or “ kickers “ they always had them . Our bags were what others had . My shoes were what all the other girls were wearing . No matter what clothes we may have had at home or the budget they were on they made sure that we never went to school in anything that could get us teased . The fact this was from catalogues makes me realise they must have really struggled to do that .

We went on lots of picnics ! To local parks , and we would have to go to the high street to go to “ kwik save “ to get the things , it would be own brand , but my mom would make it so exciting ! She would play games with us on the long walk , she would get some nice cakes , treat us to cans of pop .

At home she would sit playing consoles with my brothers , playing with my toys with me .

I remember being surprised one day and told I was going on holiday that day with my moms friends and their children . It was the best thing ever and I remember a few days before we had gone around charity shops and had got me some new clothes- I didn’t think to myself that we were buying second hand things I just felt really appreciative that I was being treated !

We clearly didn’t have a lot . But I never thought that we were poor because my parents ( mainly my mom ) did everything in their power to make sure we lived a good , normal life .

Think I want to go and give my mom and dad cuddle now !

A lot of things resonate here but it wasn't until I met rich people and they looked down on me that I really realised.

My mum would always go around the supermarket with a calculator adding everything up so she could be sure she'd be able to afford it. I didn't realise that was unusual for years!

Also as adults she apologised to me and my sister about sometimes having to throw together a dinner from leftover and random stuff that didn't "go" - me and my sister both said (truthfully) that they were the dinners we enjoyed the most!

I was born early 60s and most working class folk were in the same position. No central heating, no car, no home phone, a present at birthday and Christmas only. My mum was a good cook and could make a small amount go along way.
Fish &chips was a monthly treat.
I had 3 siblings and I did note the difference with my friends from a 2 child family, some had cars, phones etc. It didn't really bother me until I was a teenager and didn't have as many " trendy clothes" as my peers. In fact I didn't have any, until I got a part time job and earned some money.
We were a pretty Hardy bunch back then, walked to school in the wind rain and snow. If the school boiler broke we put our coats on.
I look around now at todays youngsters and think, tbh that we got the better deal. We were taught to be resilient and be grateful for what we had.
I'm sure someone Will come along and hand me my arse shortly 😉

Porridge for breakfast every morning that was made with water. I didn't know it was supposed to have milk in till I was mid teens and had it for breakfast in a school residential trip

@LanaL What you describe despite being poor in financial terms does sound rich in affection and effort on the part of your parents.

In no way do I say this without understanding the difficulties your parents must have faced to give you the important things, like suitable school uniform.

The description of the folders of paper, where one of your parents had gone to the effort of illustrating it with hedgehogs is such a wonderful one, as is the fact they would sit and draw with you.

I think your parents deserve that cuddle!

We weren't particularly poor. But we also weren't rich.

But my mum came from a very poor family and had a lot of anxiety surrounding money and scrimped and saved to an excessive degree.

Mum had a lot of anxiety about her upbringing and felt people looked down on her. Her and my dad massively stretched themselves and bought a very small house but in a very expensive area. (The house was actually originally a gatehouse or similar to big neighbouring house).

It was tiny and didn't have central heating so was always freezing. Our neighbours and schoolmates were all very, very wealthy.

This made our childhood very hard. We wore trainers from PoundStretcher etc. Were sent to school and activities etc without the right stuff. Never had a snack in our school bag for playtime.

As a child I didn't have much understanding of money. So I didn't understand that other people had money and we didn't. I thought we had the money and mum just refused to spend it.

In reality it was probably a combination of both. I think it we had lived in a normal area, in a cheaper house, we could have had a much more comfortable lifestyle. And mixed with normal people as opposed to the super rich.

But mum and dad's decision to live in that stupidly expensive, small, uncomfortable house on the fringes of an expensive town, meant that there was no money or anything else, and we just didn't fit in.

It was a strange decision. They get such pride from saying they live in this place. But at what cost?

They are still living like that. Scrimping and saving. I am fairly thrifty but sometimes I just throw money at things because I get so irritated when I think of the frustrating way they brought us up. I guess I'm rebelling against it a bit.

i don’t know how old you are OP but I’m 47 - a lot of the things you mention (eg never going out for meals or takeaways etc) was fairly common in the 80/90s - people didn’t eat out nearly as much back then, certainly up til the mid 90s, there were far fewer cafes / takeaways / restaurants, no big retail parks with TGIs etc Also holidays weren’t as common, we weren’t poor and none of my friends were really either but hardly any of us went on foreign holidays. Sign of the times!

as an aside, who puts the heating on overnight?! I’ve never done that in my life! Buy a better duvet, much cheaper in the long run!

Depending on how old you are, some of the things mentioned here aren’t necessarily a sign of having been poor. Hand-me-downs, going to jumble sales, not having puddings bar the occasional treat, walking long distances etc. These were the quite normal in my childhood (I’m in my 40s) and my parents were quite comfortable.

Snap! @Bigdoglittlecat

Yes, agree with @Bigdoglittlecat we never ever ate out or had a takeaway. But it wasn't as common back then.

I never saw white chicken breast until I was about 13 though. At a friends house (in the next town over, not the salubrious town we lived in). Her mum had said we were having chicken for dinner. Cant remember what the meal was but it was big cubes of white chicken breast and at first I didn't know what it was. My mum only ever bought cheap chicken wings and thighs, and kind of shredded it off, so it was pinky / brown little scraps. For pudding the friends mum brought out strawberries and cream - again, first I'd ever had that

I think until this point, I had kind of bought into my mums narrative that "we live in this lovely expensive town. We have it good. Other people have it worse than us."

Then I was in this little flat, which was warm, and dry, and had lovely food and I couldn't figure out what was going on.

If we had it "so good", why did we have a freezing, leaking house and shit food?

We knew we were poor, not destitute but poor.

We lived in a very deprived area in a council house. My parents had six jobs between them and I never saw them. We didn’t have any new clothes apart from school uniform and that would be handed down (my secondary school uniform was never replaced - bought once in year 7 and I wore the same uniform till year 11). Our meals were mainly potato or pasta. Very little protein or fresh food (we had £50/week for food for 6 of us in the 90’s). No puddings. My packed lunch was jam sandwiches and an apple, everyday. We wouldn’t have dared to ask for anything. We did go on holiday though - usually Haven in a caravan. And my parents spent the money they did have on trying to give us a better life, so strangely I had music lessons and dance lessons. I had to work as soon as I was able to and worked though A Levels and Uni (not unusual I guess but none of my friends did). I realised at secondary school how much poorer I was than my peers. Uni was even harder. Friend’s parents bought them houses and cars. I had a hardship loan and access to learning funding.

My life is very different now and I’m very grateful to my mum and dad for everything did.

Thanks for sharing on here. I don't think this is really glamourizing anything much. Your mum sounds like she must have been a strong woman with a difficult life.

I realize i'm risking a flaming in saying this, but my experience is somewhat the opposite. We were middle class (both parents university educated and worked full time, one as a teacher, the other designed telecoms systems for BT). We lived in a 4-bedroom house that my parents owned (only in my teens did I realize most people in my town did not have this) and we went on holidays several times a year, albeit not usually expensive ones.

Apart from the above (which admittedly is abundant evidence of being middle class), most of my clothes including my school uniform and some shoes were second hand, I only ever had cheap hobbies like badminton at the local YMCA, football on the park, and the local scout group, and we both attended the local state school (which was pretty rough now i think about it). Dad grew much of our food himself on an allotment and we owned one fairly old car, which we very rarely upgraded and tried to avoid using at all because 'fuel is too expensive'.

Only after becoming an adult (and sorting through some boxes of paperwork when clearing out the family home a while back) did I realize that for most of the 90's we had a household income >£50,000 (which was a lot back then and given the house was purchased for £28,000 in 1984) rising to probably >£100,000 in the early 00s did I understand that we were richer than pretty much everyone I went to school with.

Not exactly poor by most standards, so not complaining, but….
My family was MC but permanently skint, not uncommon then. (50s, 60s) We had a nice 4 bed house (mortgaged, not rented) but we never had crisps! - or cakes or biscuits that weren’t homemade. One of the things I had in common with dh (from a very similar background) when we first met, was that we only ever had orange squash or chocolate biscuits at other people’s houses, or at our own birthday parties.
A massive treat at a GM’s house, where we occasionally went for tea, was Dairylea Triangles!

I so rarely had any genuinely new clothes that I still remember a summer dress my DM had actually bought, when I was maybe 9. Otherwise it was all hand me downs from my sister, or from much better off cousins (who were ‘bigger’ so the things always felt ‘fat’. ) Or occasionally, homemade by my DM, who was admittedly a very competent dressmaker.,

On starting senior school, IIRC I was the only one who didn’t have all new uniform - it was all my sister’s cast-offs, inc. the indoor ‘Mary Jane’ shoes we had to have.
That was the reason I was bent on dds having everything new when starting a new school, but thankfully I could afford it.

The arrival of the electricity bill would inevitably trigger a huge row between my parents.

I wasn’t so much aware that we were poor, more that our house was shameful, our clothes were shameful, our haircuts (lack of) were shameful, the presents we got for Christmas were shameful (according to the kids at school, who asked and boasted about what they got). The food we took to school for packed lunches when someone was working so there were no free school meals was shameful and so were our lunch boxes. Everything was dirty, shabby, the wrong size, missing, cheap and nasty and from a shameful shop.

That was my experience. I don’t understand that we were poor. I knew that everything about us was something to be ashamed of. I still have a hard time not feeling ashamed by the life I live and how I look 40 years on, even though we are relatively well off.

We weren't poor as such but my mother spent 7 days a week in the pub and would have cans at home as well. We had money but she drank it and from an early age I knew her cigarettes or drink was priority. We went without a lot so she could drink and I knew it. Only for my father we'd have had nothing at all and would have been hungry more often than we had been.

We were poor-ish (1970s) as DM had to let rooms in our house, which didn't have the latest kitchen.

We had gas fires, paraffin heaters you took from room to room, the small wall near ceiling heaters in kitchen and bathroom. DM got rid of tumble drier when it broke as too expensive to repair/run.

We had a black and white TV set (small), few toys. Holidays abroad were not common (though I did go to Greece when I was a toddler), I went to France camping at age 9. Restaurants were a rarity - again went to those at 9 years. We did go to the local pubs (sat in gardens) and especially to pubs on holidays (at friends' houses so cheap or camping), daytimes and when raining.

We did have biscuits, DM made cakes (Queen cakes and our birthday cakes) and gingerbread men and later on we had crisps and bars like Trio. Anything like plastic lunchboxes with flasks (we had packed lunches) we actually saw an offer in a pub garden where you collected tokens and sent off for both these - we collected them and sent off and got them! No trendy clothes as no money. Second-hand or home made clothes and toys (dolls by DM). We did buy new sometimes. My DM was never into fashion or hair.

When DM inherited a significant lifechanging amount of money (unexpected too) from her uncle who only did this after he stayed with us when we were DC and he saw how poor we were. Even after that there was bitterness from an uncle (from marriage to DM's younger half sister), no matter that they were well off.

DM trained to be a teacher (did A levels first then teacher training college) when I was 5, when she qualified and earned money that helped a lot. Her DM (my nana) could've and would've helped us financially (she was wealthy) but my DM didn't want help and when she divorced my DF when I was 5 wanted only the house and no maintenance, he was an alcoholic and his parents weren't nice and had tried to kidnap his son from his first marriage so no contact allowed.

I can relate to quite a few of these - particularly the never asking for anything because it would make one parent angry or the other sad. It meant as soon as possible you found work (paper round) so that you had your own money to buy stuff.

It was fairly common in the 70s/80s though and I think that helped - that other kids had the same experience and so you all went out together to the park/river, shared a 10p bag of sherbet pips round and spent time coveting items in the Argos catalogue.

I can say in my family it did lead to drive/ambition for 'something better' but I think the opportunities were more available than now.

My mum struggled when her and my dad split up. We moved 90 miles away, for 6 years because that's where her mother (who I did not get on with) had moved to. I have to admit, if it hadn't been for her mother, sometimes we wouldn't have been able to eat.
I remember having to hide from the coal man, because she needed fuel before she got money. When he came a few days later, she used to apologise profusely, saying she was sorry she was out when he called earlier.
I had underwear made from old t shirts. Mum used to be a great cook, so meals were always good, but with very few leftovers. Didn't have pop or sweets and crisps. Christmas presents were little girlie things, lip gloss, tights etc. I went from sacks of presents when we were all together, to much less when they split up and it never bothered me, I was happy with anything I got. All my other friends parents were still together, so I could see the difference quite obviously. When I started earning money by babysitting, I used to treat me and mum to stuff, as she never treated herself, I was always put first. She was always good with money and could make it stretch, but things were still very tight. Times got better as I got older, but I remember occasionally being embarrassed about my clothes and sandwiches for school, then the graduation to free school dinners. I take nothing for granted, even now in my early 50's.

I always knew but as an adult I also cringe over how much adult stuff my mother shares with me. I should have been allowed to be a child to some extend.

It made it very hard for me as an adult with a comfortable income to learn to tell my own children no.

i recognise most of the OP’s first post. I wouldn’t say we were poor exactly but hard up, no spare cash, yes.

im bringing my kids up the same way. Not much wrong with it though if they have enough food and their clothes fit and they aren’t cold. No one needs to eat out or have lots of new things all the time.

My best friend at infant/junior school, she was poor, lived in a council house, her DM worked in a supermarket and as a cleaner. But her DM got her trendy clothes and nicer toys than I had (Girls World, Mr Frosty) and she had 3 much older sisters/brother who helped out.

My DM always drove and had a car/post office van. Whereas best friend's mum didn't drive or have a car, the boyfriend had one though.

With me, I think we didn't ask DM for things hardly at all, because we knew she was poor. But when we were slightly older we did ask (of course no expectations). My DB was chronically sick as a child with asthma so got better toys than me, because he'd been so sick (he was told at 12 he would most likely die from asthma, by a consultant).

Playing hide and seek and not answering the door. Who can be the most quiet. That was hiding from the rent man and the provvy woman.

Dinner being sharing soup with a few crisps on top.

Gas meter was 'broken' and the same 50p was fed through it time and time again (dad got prosecuted in the end for that).

Dad sewing up holes in his jeans, sewing patches over patches.

Lived mainly on chips because potatoes were cheap.

Never able to go on school trips. I never took the letters home because I knew I'd never be able to go on the skiing trip the school did every year.

Lots of 'power cuts'.

Never had loo roll. We used the local paper and pages from books. I used to steal loo roll from school. Not that it was much better. This was back when schools had that bloody awful tracing paper tuff that gave your arsehole paper cuts.

Mum paid a quid or so every week throughout the year and we got a Christmas hamper. One year there was a 'power cut' on Christmas eve and no food in the house apart from the hamper. We had no coal either so mum lit the gas oven and left the door open and lit the four burners and we ate from the hamper next to the gas oven for warmth and light.

Bath in the living room. Little bath, couple of kettles of hot water.

I didn't realise at the time but grandparents gave my parents money, bought us shoes and clothes etc.

We'd get a huge pile of parcels for Christmas which I strongly suspect came from out grandparents. After Christmas the big things got sold. Wed come back from school and find one of our presents on the table, waiting to go.

I mean, we knew we were poor I suppose. We knew not to ask for stuff. but we were on a really rough council estate in a mining village and most of us on the estate were in the same boat. So it was just normal. The kids at the top of the village weren't allowed to play with us from the estate.

My dad was a miner and he got part of his pay in cash and part in coal so we had a fire until the delivery ran out. A woman across the road used to follow the route of the cart with a bag, picking up cobbles that had fallen off. I didn't really think much of it at the time but that's one thing that looking back was so sad. She always had black eyes and over time her husband knocked all her teeth out and nobody thought much of that either, it was just normal.

This! Truly poor kids knew it, we knew it when our house was freezing, when we were privy to/part of conversations about how we were behind on the bills and will lose the house. We knew it when we stuck out at school as the scruffy kid. And when things like a car, family holidays and houses bigger than a shoebox were only for "rich people" and "posh people".