I seem to have formed a close friendship with a married man

[Greekrunner]

Technically separated, although fairly recent (last 3 months) and still living in the same house. Yes, I know, that's what they all say, but he's telling this to everyone, not just me and some of them know his wife. I think it's true, but he's obviously not quite "single", he's still concerned about being away from home too much because it will cause a row, for example.

None of which has any relevance to me. I'm happily single with a large social circle including many male and female friends. I sometimes say I like men, but I wouldn't want one to keep 😆 I had a long marriage, which served me well, but I wouldn't want to do it again. I really am enjoying being single for more or less the first time as an adult.

I'm a runner, belong to a club and training for a marathon. This man runs a similar pace to me and is also training for a (different) marathon around the same date. So we've been training together and it's been fun. He hasn't talked a lot about his marriage, but I was one of the first to know when they separated and he's talked about how difficult their living situation is/how and when that might change.

I genuinely have no interest in a serious relationship with any man, but this is an objectively attractive man and we do seem to have the kind of connection that doesn't come along often. We get on. We're both treating it as a friendship connection, he's never made any kind of move, but we're texting pretty much daily and see each other at least 4 times a week, sometimes but not always with others. He initiates about 2/3 of the text exchanges, which are usually about running, but I have lots of other running friends and whilst we can be a bit obsessive no one else is texting daily 😆

It's nice to have someone to feel connected to without having to have a romantic relationship, but I also recognise that this is all a bit odd and must look pretty awful to outsiders.

The marathon is really important to me and the training is going well, if I'm honest I don't want to step back from the friendship either, but...

If I take a deep breath and ask for advice...?

But you are interested op, why deny it??? You wouldn’t be posting otherwise.

You said you ‘get on’ ‘click’ and it rarely happens. That is chemistry.

If he is having a rough time in his marriage of course he might well tell others, that doesn’t mean they will divorce. It just means a bumpy patch. He is still living there op regardless. He is legally still married!

Don't even go there whilst he's still living under the same roof as his wife. It's just got drama and chaos written all over it otherwise.

Is he bollocks concerned with his wife’s welfare. I mean he is obviously a massive shit but I really can’t get over your mindset. You actually just want to talk about him don’t you.

OP, I think this will go in a different direction than you think.

First, you clearly have a crush on him. He's an attractive man, you can see that, you feel a connection, of course your mind has wandered to 'what if' and the realm of fantasy, and that's fine, I don't see anything wrong in that.

Second, everyone is assuming he is trying to get in your pant, but my feeling is that he may actually just want a friend, and if he wanted to get in your pants, he'd be texting about more than running and he'd be meeting up with you, just the two of you, trying to put things on a more romantic footing.

I think it's far more likely he likes the running, the emotional support and the friendship bond you have created, but then in a month or two, he'll announce he's asked out someone else in the running group and you will be very crestfallen. Or he'll go back and give his marriage another try.

You can end up being the cushion and emotional support before they move on to dating someone else!

I would keep any fun thoughts you have in your head, leave him to sort out his marriage, and be prepared for him to suddenly get a new girlfriend and not want to go running any more as much. I could be wrong, but men are often quite happy leaving things ambiguous when they are getting something valuable out of it and I think he would be making far more of it if he was going to put this on a romantic footing.

If they are truly separated why isn’t he allowed to leave the house without a row?

The answer is right there in that sentence in your first post.

For your sake, dial things back a bit- less frequent texting, avoid anything overly personal, keep messages breezy rather than intimate. If/when he moves out you can reappraise the situation.

I don't think it will be the running group, but I do think that's what will happen, actually. Probably someone younger than me.

Not really to be honest - I’d maybe say it to my sisters and a couple of really close friends I’ve known from childhood, but it’s not something I’d say to a friend from a hobby. I can’t even really imagine the context where it would come up - was he thanking you for supporting him?

Its a combination of everything you’ve mentioned together rather than one isolated issue, it just builds a picture. But if you’re ok with it and he’s ok with it then it’s fine, surely? Just keep a little mental note to yourself to be on the lookout for any signs he might be after something more.

I know, but I don't question him on his homelife. She doesn't like being home alone , or something. And actually I know quite a lot of women like that.

You know that doesn’t stack up.
They are arguing because he is spending too much time running and texting randoms!

She is an adult with adult children in what world are you that gullible? She doesn’t like to be left…. Surely if they were truly separated it wouldn’t be his problem?

You are in denial, and not asking too many tricky questions that might expose the true situation.

After he has strung you along and had his way he will announce suddenly that he won’t be able to divorce or leave after all, the kind man that he is, as she will take it ‘badly’ and you will be firmly locked into mistress status by then.

Fiver says you'll have shagged him by the end of February

No, I am absolutely taking this with a pinch of salt. They argue because splitting is tough and they're still trying to work out how to make it happen, because she's been a homemaker for a long time and doesn't know what to do without someone to care for and she doesn't like to be in the house alone, of course she'll have to get used to it when he does leave, but for now he's trying to keep the peace and show some consideration, is his version, obviously I don't know hers. All I ever say is that the whole thing must be hard on both of them and that it's going be a big and difficult change for her.

I do have one other friend with adult children who absolutely hates being in the house on her own though.

I'd take that. It absolutely will not happen. I know never say never, but it just won't happen while they're still living together, if ever.

That won't happen. I don't want a man in my life FT anyway. If it became some sort of FWB situation somewhere down the line, it definitely won't be while he's living with his wife. He can't come here because of my DC for a start 😆

I would love to hear his wife’s side of the story! Not unlike the threads on here

’Dh is always out running, leaving me to do all the chores at home. I have been a homemaker for 25 years and I am utterly sick of it, but we have been together, married happily since we were at school. He seems distracted some evenings, and we are arguing about the almost daily runs as it’s a lot. I know he loves me and will never leave but this is making me miserable . Wwyd? ‘

I'm still unclear what you're asking us OP?- you seem very very concerned regarding "how it looks" to other people but why?- if it's purely platonic and nothing is ever gonna happen then what's the issue with being friends? I have male friends and noone bats an eyelid as it's completely platonic and I see them akin to brothers. Noone has ever implied anything is going on because it isnt and so its not something I ever worry about, because well, why would I?

I suspect the reason you are overthinking this is exactly because you are attracted to him and subconsciously you want something to happen and are therefore worrying about it because you suspect others will pick up on your attraction to him. This situation necessitates total self reflection and brutal honesty with yourself without judgement.

What do you really want from him?

Absolutely, me too. I'm certian there's another version and I've told him that too.

Except he has definitely told his children he's going, which seems extreme if he's not going to do it.

So why are you getting so 'oh gosh what shall I do?' about him then

Because of people reacting the way posters here have?

You know his children? Or you simply believe what he said?

...but this is an objectively attractive man and we do seem to have the kind of connection that doesn't come along often.

This and the intensity (texting every day) are the issue. Both suggest more then a simple platonic friendship. You must see that, OP, and that's why you've posted.

They’re not separated and he’s a walking red flag trying his luck

😂😂😂 that old chestnut

Why have you bothered with a thread then, what's your issue, everyone's allowed friends

I don't see the problem here?

Yes, you've got a crush on him. Don't know how far that is reciprocated, but he clearly enjoys your frequent conversation. It's really normal for a separating couple to live together. They might get back together, they might not, but you're not competing with his wife so that isn't a problem either.

The semi-attached phase of a marriage is a bad time to get heavily involved with someone - too many things to go wrong - but you've said more than once you're not looking to get heavily involved. The only potential risk here is that you get more involved than you thought you would, then end up carrying half the emotional weight of his divorce. Worry about that if it happens: try to avoid it!

Hell, it doesn't matter if this does lead to a fling. Enjoy yourself. You can always come back here if you need to lick some wounds in future, but you'll have had a lovely time getting them 🙂