I seem to have formed a close friendship with a married man

[Greekrunner]

Technically separated, although fairly recent (last 3 months) and still living in the same house. Yes, I know, that's what they all say, but he's telling this to everyone, not just me and some of them know his wife. I think it's true, but he's obviously not quite "single", he's still concerned about being away from home too much because it will cause a row, for example.

None of which has any relevance to me. I'm happily single with a large social circle including many male and female friends. I sometimes say I like men, but I wouldn't want one to keep 😆 I had a long marriage, which served me well, but I wouldn't want to do it again. I really am enjoying being single for more or less the first time as an adult.

I'm a runner, belong to a club and training for a marathon. This man runs a similar pace to me and is also training for a (different) marathon around the same date. So we've been training together and it's been fun. He hasn't talked a lot about his marriage, but I was one of the first to know when they separated and he's talked about how difficult their living situation is/how and when that might change.

I genuinely have no interest in a serious relationship with any man, but this is an objectively attractive man and we do seem to have the kind of connection that doesn't come along often. We get on. We're both treating it as a friendship connection, he's never made any kind of move, but we're texting pretty much daily and see each other at least 4 times a week, sometimes but not always with others. He initiates about 2/3 of the text exchanges, which are usually about running, but I have lots of other running friends and whilst we can be a bit obsessive no one else is texting daily 😆

It's nice to have someone to feel connected to without having to have a romantic relationship, but I also recognise that this is all a bit odd and must look pretty awful to outsiders.

The marathon is really important to me and the training is going well, if I'm honest I don't want to step back from the friendship either, but...

If I take a deep breath and ask for advice...?

He will, of course, be presenting you with his best side at the moment - this often involves making himself out to be a great guy. The not-so-nice side, including slagging the wife and telling you how misunderstood he is, will come out in due course, I'll wager.

If the op was clear that there is no romance there is no need to post.

The fact the op has posted tells us they are not clear.

What are you asking advice on? How to keep things platonic if he asks you on a date? I would start talking about dating someone, just so that he knows you're not romantically available. He's possibly considering you as a rebound fling.

I would consider what your boundaries are within this friendship and stay firm.

When you're together just keep dropping into conversation about a guy you've been seeing, you think it's getting more serious etc. That spells a clear signal about how you view the friendship.

If you don't want to put a stop to any potential relationship that's a different story...!

I have three male belay buddies who I go climbing with. When we're waiting for a route to become free we have a natter or go to the cafe. We can't do our sport on our own (unless we go on one of the two auto-belays which aren't very good). I don't know where they live, and have never met their spouses, and so far over the last five years that I've known them we've managed to avoid flirting and have not had sex. I like them very much but there's never even been any suggestion that anything else might go on. And my non-climbing-scared-of-heights boyfriend is cool with it too.

Well if it does I'll see that and it will definitely adversely affect my opinion of him. I've always given very short shrift to men who crtitise the mothers of their children.

Mumsnet rule

separated women still having to live with their ex should do as they please, live their life and he has no right to know about it

separated men still having to live with their ex are not really separated, definitely cheating and you should never speak to one

You say you can see the situation is unusual but IMO it's as old as the hills. I'm sure you know how this will pan out if you allow yourself to become any more embroiled. He is telling you he's more interested in a quick shage but get home in time for his wife to not be angry and agree to take him back. He's a man, after all.

I'm really not sure what the question is here...! You don't want anything different, neither does he. Training is going well and no boundaries have been crossed. What's the problem?

If you want to be the other woman and set your standards that low go right ahead

Well I've known him for 2 years and during that time he's gone through, trying to save the marriage, accepting it's not salvageable and then beginning the separation process.

During that time, I've only ever hear how upset he is, never a bad word against her and he's certainly never attempted "a quick shag", but yes I recognise that would be the expected MO. I am alive to it.

I'd keep being friends with him but if he makes a move and you do want something more, insist that nothing happens until he is no longer living with his wife.

That all sounds perfect. I guess the problem is I'm not so naive as to not wonder if that's too good to be true.

Why don't you just... cool off the texting and just see him for training?

It's only since they "separated" we've become close BTW. I knew things weren't going great at home, which he criticised himself for, but I never knew any detail, still don't.

Tbh this sounds like the situation I was in last year, we were separated but ex was still living here but I was attracted to my exercise buddy. The moment ex left the house, it suddenly happened. It’s fun so far, so keep an open mind, don’t rush it, see what happens and don’t injure yourself before the marathon.

I am friends with quite a few married men - some in stronger relationships than others.

but as I am not romantically interested int hem their relationship status is really only something I take an interest as a friend. I was very sorry to hear a friend had separated from his wife - it was awful for children involved. And for my fiend and his now ex wife.

it didn’t cause me any personal angst though nor did it have me questioning our friendship.

so what you have with this man is not a platonic friendship

@Greekrunner

Do you feel confident in your ability to keep this man 'at arm's length' or do you generally wear your heart on your sleeve? Do you feel this man is becoming overly attached? Do you feel he's trustworthy as far as not pushing your boundaries? If so, then there's no reason not to keep the friendship 'as is'. But if you tend to become emotionally involved easily or you've sensed that he is becoming overly involved, even the slightest bit, then you need to cool the friendship down and possibly involve other people and make any time with him a 'group activity'.

If, at the point that he is physically separated from his wife and a divorce has been filed you wish to revisit the situation, feel free to do so. Although I chose to never date a separated man only a man whose divorce was final.

Does he know it’s just a friendship or are you just guessing he knows it’s a friendship?

How convenient it would be for him to just 'stay' with you, a single woman with her own place, if it all gets too difficult. I.e. move in for free while he finds himself and then move on. He may not even be aware he's thinking this, but he's thinking it!

We have laughed about others jumping to conclusions and I have "advised" him that he should take some time to enjoy being single, as I have. We've also talked about being important friends. It does just seem to have become quite intense quite quickly. I'm someone who usually takes a long time to move from "aquaintance" to friend, so there is something that makes this feel unusual.

Well, he did "jokingly" ask another single female friend if she needed a lodger. She has plenty of space so if that was his angle he'd be much better targeting her. I still have adult DC living at home and that will absolutely not be happening. I'll never live with a man again, even if we were a thing.

It's not platonic, that's the difference.

He does seem unusually attached, whether that's overly, I'm not sure.

He has a wide circle, including loads of women, I guess it's something of a surprise that he's attached himself to me. Like I said at the start, we do seem to have a connection that doesn't happen everyday. I have lots of friends male and female too, but I haven't really experienced this before, which is why I'm questioning things.