I seem to have formed a close friendship with a married man

[Greekrunner]

Technically separated, although fairly recent (last 3 months) and still living in the same house. Yes, I know, that's what they all say, but he's telling this to everyone, not just me and some of them know his wife. I think it's true, but he's obviously not quite "single", he's still concerned about being away from home too much because it will cause a row, for example.

None of which has any relevance to me. I'm happily single with a large social circle including many male and female friends. I sometimes say I like men, but I wouldn't want one to keep 😆 I had a long marriage, which served me well, but I wouldn't want to do it again. I really am enjoying being single for more or less the first time as an adult.

I'm a runner, belong to a club and training for a marathon. This man runs a similar pace to me and is also training for a (different) marathon around the same date. So we've been training together and it's been fun. He hasn't talked a lot about his marriage, but I was one of the first to know when they separated and he's talked about how difficult their living situation is/how and when that might change.

I genuinely have no interest in a serious relationship with any man, but this is an objectively attractive man and we do seem to have the kind of connection that doesn't come along often. We get on. We're both treating it as a friendship connection, he's never made any kind of move, but we're texting pretty much daily and see each other at least 4 times a week, sometimes but not always with others. He initiates about 2/3 of the text exchanges, which are usually about running, but I have lots of other running friends and whilst we can be a bit obsessive no one else is texting daily 😆

It's nice to have someone to feel connected to without having to have a romantic relationship, but I also recognise that this is all a bit odd and must look pretty awful to outsiders.

The marathon is really important to me and the training is going well, if I'm honest I don't want to step back from the friendship either, but...

If I take a deep breath and ask for advice...?

You’re probably one of several ‘lovely and available ladies’ he’s sniffing around for opportunities, whether it’s a shag, a hot meal, a spare room, an ego boost, or yeah, even friendship (with the potential for more). This is SO not a criticism of you, OP. And in no way do I intend to put you down or make you feel less than. It’s just my perspective. From my own experience as a divorced (older) woman, I’ve found the majority of seemingly available men to be opportunistic and wanting or needing something from women. I’m acutely aware that my family home is more attractive than I am. Cynical but true.

This guy is taking up an awwwwwwful lot of your mental real estate for someone you're confident you're in a purely platonic friendship with.

Yes, I get all that and that's why I'm questioning it, but surely in any friendship you're both in need of something?. I don't have any friends I don't take anything from. It's not as cynical or overt as that, but we don't maintain relationships if we're not getting anything out of them.

It's defintitely true I'm an overthinker, I'm sure I'm in a platonic relationship and he's never given any indication otherwise, but I recognise there's enough there to wonder....or to make others wonder.

Some friendships are intense and that’s normal. People will often get confused or negative about male and female friendships. If you know you only want to be friends just carry on as you are if you have a feeling you may fancy him tread carefully incase he genuinely does just want friendship

I was going to suggest something like this.

I think it’s feels odd because it is already somewhat an emotional affair.

After all you have been on the emotional journey with him for two years.

You just need to decide if you would like to date him.

And you never asked what the cause of the breakdown in marriage was?

And yes to a pp suggestion of not going there until he has moved out of the marital home

Is he using you as a rebound type thing?

From what I'm reading, you have a case of mentionitis. You have no one to 'mention' him to, so you've made a post about him.

Your original post screams that you are going to get it on with him and don't really have a problem for mn to solve.

If you can accept that you are going to turn it into something more, good for you! It sounds as though you don't have confidence in yourself and your self-control.

Only you can determine if it would be a good idea. If you wanted to put him at a distance, you could have very easily done so by now.

Is it an emotional affair if you're both single? I don't know, it's a close friendship, what's the difference between that and an emotional affair if you're single? Yes, I know he's not, but he thinks he is and I do believe that, his sons and their mutual friends know they're separated.

I don't want to date him because of all of the above. If we'd met when he was properly single, maybe that would be different, but it's not. I also probably need the friendship more than I need a man 😆

I've never asked about his marriage, no. For a long time it felt very much none of my business. He's said bits, but only that they got together very young, have been together a long time, but now want different things from life.

Possibly/probably? But there's been no indication of sex, so that in itself is a bit odd?

Are you the poster who starts multiple threads musing about various male friends from a club? Or am I confusing you with someone else?

It’s the daily texting and talking at length about his relationship and how
you’re ‘important friends’ that would push it over into emotional affair territory for me.

Granted it’s not really an ‘affair’ per se as
you're single and he’s ‘separated’, but from your descriptions I’d say you’re a bit over the line from platonic.

So you don't talk about how important your female friends are with them? Genuine question, I don't have many, from a wide circle, that I'd say that to, but there are some.

Yes, I get all that and that's why I'm questioning it, but surely in any friendship you're both in need of something?. I don't have any friends I don't take anything from. It's not as cynical or overt as that, but we don't maintain relationships if we're not getting anything out of them.

That’s your POV and your approach to friendship. What makes you think he’s singing from the same song sheet? His needs will be different than yours. He’s about to face divorce (he’s separated, right?) and the financial impact that comes with it. There’s a part of him that might be looking for security (nothing wrong with that, but I’m not sure you want to be that provider).
I’d just dial it back and let him process the end of his marriage, for obvious reasons that really require no further explanation.

Sorry I misread your post! My apologies. I’m tired! Anyway, yeah… just… dial
it back. Let him process. Let him mourn the end of his marriage. That’s what friends do. Don’t confuse him. Don’t let him bring his confusion to your bed. It does need to turn into sex and messy stuff. Too soon.

So what's the issue then? He and you have a shared running interest and you chat about it. Neither of you want anything more from the relationship than friendship. Not sure what the problem is ?

OP, unfortunately there’s many women in here that don’t believe in having friends of the opposite sex (sad but true). I think you should continue being friends with this man but avoid getting “too close” (or shagging him). Just develop a normal healthy relationship you would do with any friend runner and stick to it. Don’t let him know you fancy him. Keep a “safe distance” (emotionally speaking). Once he’s out of the house, on his own and divorce papers served feel free to jump on him.

‘Objectively attractive’

And yet the thought of sex with him has never crossed your mind…. Ofc it has. You are even counting up his texts and checking he doesn’t message anyone else as often.

I don’t believe he is ‘separated’ and nor do you. He is married and still living in his family home. He sounds like an experienced player to me, keen to lure his next victim. Don’t be a fool op.

I'd stick to the running and have an answer for when he inevitably asks you out. If he makes it clearer than a casual keeping it friendly meet up and actually asks you on a date just say you're happy that you get along and not looking for anything else thanks.

He's an attractive man. You could ask anyone that, what would be the point in pretending I haven't noticed?

If he's not really separated, he's told an awful lot of people, including his children and mutual friends of him and his wife.

Oh and they all say they are separated. Be interesting to see if his divorce progresses/ if he moves out soon. Best watch and wait to find out if he is lying.

How would I know how often he's texting anyone else? 😆

Absolutely and I said that right at the beginning. He has definitely told his (adult) children though, so that's quite a performance if it's not true.