If you were a SAHM ... how did you swing it?

[TheBeesKnee]

Was the secret having a husband with a well paid job? Or something else?

I have a series of KIT days coming up. Baby is 8 months old. I can't bear the thought of leaving him. He changes so much day to day and I would love to stop work but we have a mortgage to pay. I am literally devastated.

Short of relocating somewhere VERY cheap I just don't see how I could take any more time off work. I'm only really able to take a year off because we were saving money for IVF when I fell pregnant after 4 years of trying.

It just all feels so shit.

I understand completely op, I couldn’t bear to leave Dd, I’d worked full time all my life. We ended up cutting *Right back and I mean a lot, only spent money on mortgage, bills, food and Dd when needed, it was hard at times, but I don’t regret it at all. Also did ivf and waited 9 years for her. At 4, I starting working part time around her, she’s 5 now and financially we’re getting a bit better. Is there any way you can cut right back at all or go part time?

Virtually everyone I know, male or female, who has been a SAHP did so because of unfortunate circumstances (child with SEN, illness, disability, redundancy, nervous breakdown) or for specific periods of time due to circumstances (studying, trailing spouse without a work visa).

Not one would have described it as having ‘swung’ something.

I took care of another baby in my home for a couple of years until I had a 2nd baby myself. Then when she was old enough, I did some more childcare at home.

When my 2nd child was about 6 months, DH got a much better job that offered loads of overtime, which he took as I managed things at home. So his extra pay made up the loss of my income and we never had to outsource cleaning/childcare etc and we always ate at home and he took lunch/coffee etc from home. We were pretty frugal, but still did some fun things and traveled with the kids every summer.

Didn't "swing" anything, both my children are disabled.

It's not all fun & games, being a stay at home parent can be more stressful.

I’m thinking you have a dh or dp as you say ‘we’?
I wasn’t a SAHM but I did manage to work part time for several years. As I did shift work and had 2 fixed days off this a) cut down our childcare bill
b) meant that apart from 1-2 days a week the dc were either with me, dh or both of us.
dh works very ‘normal’ regular hours compared to me but finishes at 15.30 which was also helpful especially with my late shifts.
it worked for us but financially we didn’t have much spare!
so anything you or your dp might be able to do in terms of flexi hours etc might be useful for you?

Erm, money?

A husband with a good salary or inheritance or private income.

Do you have to go back FT? Could you work things out to do 3 days a week?

I am a sahm (mostly). Dh has a well paid job and family money.

I didn't plan on being a sahm, I was ill postnatally and my psychiatrist advised me to give up work to bond with dc1. 8 years later, I'm resentful because no one else in my family wants me to work.

I am a sahm after dc3 (but all 3 are still young) because DH has a well paid job.

Also, meant to add that for some people the anticipation and preparation of going back and adjusting to it is much worse than the reality.

It was a long time ago now, but yes I had a reasonably well paid DH who earned a lot more than I did. We cut back as hard as we could on household expenses. I didn't need to 'swing it', we both felt that me being at home was the best thing for our family. In the end I took nine years off and went back to work when my youngest started school.

I worked around my DC for their school career, then I went looking for a full time job and by sheer fluke ended up with twenty hours a week about five miles down the road.

We didn’t need the money, so we saved some of it and used some of it to go Club when going on holidays.

Forgot to say took a small mortgage over five years to re do the bathroom and kitchen and cleared it in eighteen months, so saved the balance.

I was a SAHP for five years. I loved it. I could afford it because of DH's salary and my savings.
However, although we holidayed within the UK, we only travelled on holidays once during those years. At the time I didn't care because (in my opinion) when kids are small, its the same in another country as it is at home. We were also very slowly getting badly needed work done on the house so holidays were not affordable.

It’s not only about affording it in the shorter term but also about going back to work in the long term. Do you have the type of career where you could take some time out & not damage your prospects too much? I hardly know any SaHM’s (London) but lots that work part-time. Is that an option?

I’m a SAHM. I was furloughed for ages during covid, had loads of time off with the children who were very young at the time and life was so much easier. I went back to work and was miserable and thought fuck this and left. We needed IVF and was in my late 30s and I thought I’m missing out out on the best bit because I’m working for people I despise. Been home for two years, we have no childcare issues, I do every pick-up, drop off, attend every nativity, sports days etc. I’ve taken a hit financially and don’t spend money like I used to. I don’t want to be off forever, I’d like to get a job this year, but I’ve now got all the DC in to school and I think a lot of the tough times associated with young kids (sickness, nursery costs, sleepless nights) are behind us. I’m fortunate we could do it.

Husband earns enough, cut back on luxuries, lived within means, live in East Midlands where good standard of living due to lower house prices.
Most of my mum friends stayed home too. It's not that unusual here.
Kids are now in secondary school and I still only work a couple of days a week

Can you work part time as a compromise? You might find the thought of going back to work harder than actually doing it, especially if you can go back part time.

Think about the long term too, baby won't stay a baby for long and you'll be able to stay current with work, maybe build up a bit of a pension etc and still have a day or two with baby.

I have twins and couldn’t afford to return to work. Nursery for 2 cost most than my salary.

Initially went back to work, but packed it in after a few months. DC1 had a lot of hospital appointments and we found it worked out cheaper not to have two working parents. DH wasn’t on big money (about £28k I think). But no childcare costs, I had time to shop around carefully and cook properly. Grew a bit of veg. Learnt to fix the car and do home repairs. My time saved us money in so many ways. We cut out a lot of fripperies but had plenty of free fun. Once DC1 was at school and DC2 had some free preschool hours, I started a little side business which has grown to be our family’s sole income source.

if you want (or need) to make it work, you will find a way.

I had a break down and couldn't work. 9 months off sick then 3 months unemployed before returning part time. I didn't 'swing it' at all.
The true SAHPs I know have high earning spouses.

By having a disabled poorly baby who kept going back to hospital

Well dh had an ok paid job but we were mid 20s so it wasn't amazing. Mainly though we bought a house well below what we could have afforded so our repayments were very small. Also we were lucky that a flat we sold to buy the house made a good profit.

I wanted to stay home but even if I hadn't it would've been very tricky not to. Ds had a lot of health issues (not major just asthma / lots of bugs etc) and we have no family nearby or anything to help out.

I couldn't get help with kids and would have needed term time only work even then. So the best option was to stay home. I have lost prospects and i now work in a menial job. It totally destroyed my career but I had the time to dedicate to my babies. I just lost myself and sense of self worth along the way.

By having children before the Tories trashed the economy. I only had to work P/T and DH went to 4 days and did shift work so we covered each others work. Worked nights and evenings.
We dressed ourselves and the kids entirely in secondhand stuff, did cheap but fun holidays (camping, cheap sun holidays, drove across Europe as much cheaper than flying), shopped in Aldi before it was a thing, ate lots of lentils and beans, secondhand everything including presents/toys/bikes, bought a cheap house in what was a bit of a shit area and stretched the mortgage out over more years, did childcare swaps and babysitting swaps, did lots of nights in with friends rather than nights out, learnt to cut hair from YouTube, saves money wherever we could. Managed to be off apart from retraining until youngest was 3 and then part time until all three were in high school, been full time now for 2 years weirdly in a career that has got good because of some voluntary work I did when off with kids.
Now have more money and not much stuff but so very glad we did it. So many good memories, made lots of friends who now we have fun without the kids as they don't want to be around us but was great years of big gangs of us going to the forest, park, beach, museums, each others houses all for free but lots of adventures. I made A LOT of picnics and flasks of tea!

I went self employed For a few years which basically allowed me to be a SAHM. It worked well until cost of living crisis. Things gradually became tighter.

To be honest most SAHM I know either have a very wealthy partner or are on UC and hit to earning money cash in hand/having family hand outs. Anything in the middle is tricky

I became a freelancer and now spend my evenings and many weekends working, the upside being I have the life of a SAHM during the day. The downside is I have virtually no free time for myself. I'm either looking after the kids or doing the housework or working! I wouldn't change it though, because I know it'll get easier when the kids are all at school. At the moment I still have one toddler at home with me. I tried working full time, and even part time, but I felt I was missing out on so much of my kids lives (plus the absolute hassle of arranging childcare during school holidays, the stress of rushing back for pick ups etc).

Do you have a job that could translate to freelancing? It's a pretty good way of swinging the SAHM lifestyle while maintaining an income, if you don't mind working evenings / naptimes while the kids are still under school age.