If you were a SAHM ... how did you swing it?

[TheBeesKnee]

Was the secret having a husband with a well paid job? Or something else?

I have a series of KIT days coming up. Baby is 8 months old. I can't bear the thought of leaving him. He changes so much day to day and I would love to stop work but we have a mortgage to pay. I am literally devastated.

Short of relocating somewhere VERY cheap I just don't see how I could take any more time off work. I'm only really able to take a year off because we were saving money for IVF when I fell pregnant after 4 years of trying.

It just all feels so shit.

I did it while working - I was an academic and marked papers/wrote a book while at home with DD. It's hard work. Lovely to be home with a baby but there's always a sacrifice somewhere.

(Oh, and we relocated somewhere cheap.)

I moved in with my husband for a few years before we had children, I rented my house out and as my husband's mortgage and bills were so low, he continued to pay for those himself on the agreement that I saved all of my salary to put towards house deposit (we would need to move somewhere bigger once having children), and for savings in preparation for me becoming a SAHM.

He was actually earning less than me when I had our first child but we both wanted me to be a SAHM, and I couldn't do my career on a part-time basis. There was no way I would want to return to work full-time with a baby/young child. Just my personal preference.

My husband was made redundant two weeks before we had our second child, so went self-employed after she was born and immediately tripled his earnings, which meant that I didn't need to return to work.

I then invested my savings into more property, so that I would always have an income without having to work, and still gives me that financial cushion that many SAHM's don't have.

It really helped that both my husband and I are more savers than spenders and always like to financially plan ahead. We don't waste money on unnecessary things etc.

I worked bloody hard for my career and I wasn't giving it up for kids. I went pt for a couple of years and only ten years later am I back where I should be.

I didn't want to 'swing' anything.

I planned to stay at home until school
age but ended up staying at home for almost 10 years. I became unwell and my children have SEN so we felt it was best for
them to extend it that long. I don’t claim anything for them or myself though so that didn’t impact finances. Mainly we put the mortgage on interest only, knowing we could pay it when the kids were older. We live quite a simple life and don’t holiday annually. My husband earns an average wage which we can live off although I now earn too. I think it depends on your general lifestyle and housing costs.

We had a small house, cheap house in a cheap area. No car for a while. No foreign holidays.
Husband worked in retail so was earning below national average.
My priority was being at home with my children rather than having a career, so we waited till they were older to get the nicer house, etc.

Saved up enough to be able to take a couple of years off, I feel if you want to do it it's not that hard (assuming of course you've planned for this). We can live on one income and I don't waste money on frivolous things.

The only SAHMs I know (myself included) could only do it because their partner earned a lot. Not necessarily mega salary, but enough to support the family on that wage alone relative to cost of living/mortgages where they lived.

Instagram is full of influencers who will sell you the lie that there are "hacks" or budgeting things you can do to afford to stay at home on "normal" salary but in my experience it just isn't true. As a SAHM myself, any "hacks" I've encountered have barely made a different to our finances and we don't need to do them. It would be incredibly stressful to live off the tiny savings they make.

I'm a sahm. DH has a high salary plus I have my own assets. Im happy to be able to be a sahm and I won't pretend we have to make loads of sacrifices - DH earns a lot and we can still have nice holidays, a decent size house, private school. I enjoy being with my dcs all day and DH values my role enormously, and he is around to help before and after work and all weekends. But it is expensive as we're in London and having a high earning spouse is really what makes it possible, no other tricks.

We waited until I was 35 and my husband was earning a reasonable amount before having a baby. We scrimped and saved to manage on just his salary and we went without luxuries of any kind until I went back to work part time when my daughter was eight. We didn't have a holiday for five years, and then it was a very modest one, we didn't have new cars or clothes, and didn't ever go out for meals etc. we moved into our current house when I was six months pregnant and the house was semi derelict. We had just enough money to pay to have a new bathroom and kitchen installed, very much at mates rates, but did all the rest of the renovations ourselves, as well as reclaiming a large and overgrown garden. It really was a huge struggle financially but it was something we wanted to do and felt was really important for us.

It was always the plan to, and with 2 under 2 I couldn't afford to work either. Dh was young and just getting his career started so didn't earn much. It was just after the financial crash and our mortgage rate was extortionate. Our house was also a doer upper. We had nothing and it was really tough. It was a really lonely time.

I am currently a SAHM, my husband is a good earner and my previous salary wouldn’t touch the sides of childcare so we’d be losing money. I know the common thinking on here is that every mum who stays home previously left a great job and has now sabotaged her career, well I left a shite job with no prospects - yes I will have a gap in my CV and I’m sure potential employers in the future may well be put off, but it’s the choice I/we made for our family. My husband works good hours, can be flexible and is extremely present, if he wasn’t I’d rethink the setup for sure.

I know only one other SAHM well enough to know her personal circumstances and she is in a similar position.

The SAHP I know have generally got a good earning spouse, but probably not enough by Mumsnet standards, and are happy with a simpler life, or they're a SAHP by circumstance and the family make it work.

The big thing is that in situations where a WOHP/SAHP arrangement is in place is that it's something both people are on board with. Resentment can easily build from trying to swing something rather than having an open discussion about how it will work.

For example DH and I agreed whoever worked part time or was a SAHP picked up extra housework. On Mumsnet there's a lot of posters who think that the SAHP is only concerned with the children during the day and it's unreasonable to expect ty to pick up additional load at home.

My DH had a medium kind of income. We moved to another city where housing was cheaper, so we had a lower mortgage than we would have had if we'd stayed closer to family and in the city we grew up in. In fact, I don't think we'd have been able to have a mortgage and afford a house in that city at all. I budgeted very carefully and just made it work because it was something I really wanted. I'm sure not having to pay all the childcare helped because I didn't have family help at all.

My husbands salary isn't huge, but we can live off of it just fine. I've never earnt much really anyway so we've never missed it. In the UK a lot of people just work to pay for nursery, doesn't really make much sense to do that. When you could just look after them yourself.

Hmm 8 months old is still adorable. They become little tyrants at around 1 just as a heads up.

Cause we don't have a mortgage, we spend fuck all, we eat healthy home made food, we do the jobs around the house and garden ourselves, we repair things until we can't, I use buy nothing group for things, plus sell things we own but don't need. It's hard. But it's also a choice we make, we have a lot of time together as a family.

Are you the Waltons?

I hear you.

So far we are squeaking by on one average income (DH's) but this leaves zero discretionary spending money.
So I have a few hustles going...I clean a neighboring Airbnb, I've also started up our own airbnb but I'm only a week in.
Have also flipped furniture (quite enjoy that)

You won't always have an eight month old. It is hard putting a baby in nursery (for you), but they don't know any different and so long as you do enough settling in sessions and you've chosen a nice place, they'll be fine. Soon they'll be walking and talking a bit, and it will feel more natural.

The only SAHMs I know are either married to a hugely wealthy man, or did minimum wage jobs so couldn't afford to go back to work.

Dh isn't a High earner but the cost of child care would have left us worse off than me staying at home. So it was a no brainer really

Don't most people do their own garden and minor house maintenance, unless it's beyond them and needs a specialist? It would occur to me not to without reason.

FT SAHM never appealed, but equally FT elsewhere was mortifying to we lived like paupers and I worked part time. It wasn't sustainable long term so now DD is in school I'm back up to FT.

Oh for goodness sake, I just wrote a long post and mumsnet kindly randomly refreshed the page for me so it’s gone 🙃 basically saying that I’m a SAHM of sorts, and that I felt the same as you. I knew I would and never really had any intention of going back to ‘normal’ employment after my years maternity with DS, now 2yo.
I’m actually self employed because DH and I are farmers/have a reasonably successful business in agriculture. I do the paperwork, payroll, invoicing etc while DH is the brains, brawn and everything in between day to day, and we have several employees. Ultimately though, I spend every day with my son and so consider myself a SAHM. Our business allows us a comfortable life, where I don’t have to watch every Penny, can afford little treats here and there, I can do swimming lessons and various other groups etc with DS, but not a life where we have loads of expensive holidays or flash material things iyswim. I feel very lucky we’re able to do this.

I'm not a SAHP but DH and I work PT, different shifts so one of us is always with the children. (Unfairly, in my view) this arrangement is much better from a tax point of view than having a SAHP. But our household income isn't massive - I have the British thing of not wanting to say what we earn but it's well under £40K between us. No childcare costs though.

We afford this because we're both on the same page and planned for it.

If I were you, the first thing I'd do is talk to my DH about how you're feeling and what you want. I'm a big fan of families being able to have a SAHP if they choose to, but it's not fair, IMO, to force someone to take on the whole financial burden if they're not fully signed up to it.

Then, if your DH is on the same page, sit down and work out how much money you actually need to cover the costs of a SAHM. Remember, you won't need to pay for childcare, which is a big saving, and you might be able to make other savings as well (e.g. food budget if you currently eat out or use ready meals a lot due to time pressure). You might find the difference isn't that big - obviously this depends on how much you'd be earning if working.

Could you do a bit of something in evenings or at weekends to make up the difference?